Crap I hate.

I am not going to be all girly and crap and try to pretend that I think everyone is equal. I really don't think everyone is equal at all. Because no one is as good as me. And because no one is as good as me I inherit the right to judge everyone. And I judge harshly. If you believe in all that equality bullcrap then you obviously have never met me because I am such a fine specimen of the Homospaiens that it would blow your freakin mind.

Since I have the God given right to judge everyone I feel as though I need to have a rant right now about the top 10 things I hate the most this terrible Monday morning:

10. The Sky
Depending on where you are reading this blog from (this is a shout out to all my readers in Guyana - the last half of your country's name is awesome), the sky looks pretty craptastic right now. Like it's constipated. But, lets really break this down. If the sky was a giant asshole would rain be diahreea? Snow would be like regular poops and sleet/hail would be like what? A poop after you ate a lot of corn? But then what would a sunny day be? The day you got your but hole professionally whitened? Or the day you finally got that much needed brazillian wax? Maybe thunderstorms are the sky's crimson wave? The only thing that we could know for sure about the sky and it's asshole is that any of it's bowel movements piss me off.



9. People with giant slugs/boils on their face
I was harmlessly taking the metro this morning with my good friend Jmart, when someone TRULY offended us with her face. This girl has ISSUES! She had this giant boil/slug/fetus protruding from her face. She reminded me of the brain slugs from Futurama. I almost upchucked all over her, just because I thought that it would be less disgusting.



8. Emotions
The only emotion anyone should ever express to me is complete and utter awe in my awesomeness. But any emotion makes you a weak and deplorable human being. But what makes me angrier than other people having emotions, is when I slip up and let myself have emotions. I RARELY every disappoint myself, but when I do, I become enraged and furious. Right now I am something akin to the Incredible Hulk why? Wouldn't you like to know. Filthy peons, why would I expose a weakness to you? Just know, I feel so incredibly disgusted I think I might be vomiting more than my pregnant boss today. If I see you don't be surprised if I rip off your face, turn it in to jerky, feed it to a dog, wait till he vomits it back up, then I'll put it back on your face. Nothing is worse then hear little children scream in desperate terror just because they looked at you. And that will happen to you constantly from now on.


7. People who don't courtesy flush in public rest rooms
Look, we have all been there. You just HAD to have that second cup of coffee and that high fiber oatmeal now you are in public and if you don't give in and use the restroom available you might just fly off to the moon with the amount of gas coming out your ass. And yes, we all know its you that just let one go, it wasn't as quiet as you think. So please go use the restroom, but I beg of you to take a courtesy flush. Nothing is worse then when an innocent bystander, like myself, pops in for a quick pee and unknowingly they are stepping into what sounds like a dogfight of WWI. I hear those bombs dropping, and now you have made my shit list. No pun intended.

6. when the DVR cuts off the end of your show
I don't ask a lot from others. All that I ask is that you aren't a total betchface. When you cut off the end of my shows, you cut off the world from decency. Please don't take away my special time, or we will resort back to cave man times and I will sic a raptor on you. Little known fact about me, I can control all dinosaurs. You think they don't exist, well the joke is on you because I just keep them hidden so that they can continue to do my bidding. Ever wonder where your socks go when you wash them? Ask triceratops. Ever wonder who is controlling the traffic lights? Ask T-Rex. Don't mess with me or you will get your ass beat up by some very hungry dinosaurs.
BTW, thats not chicken you're eating, its pterodactyl.

5. Those Humane society commercials with sarah McLachlan songs.
Ok, we get it, that sarah bitch loves her dogs and cats. Not my dog, not my problem. Thats what I say. I already adopted a cat from your shit. STOP ASKING FOR MORE. You know whats a bigger problem? Children starving to death. Rampant Aids. Disgusting Water people are forced to drink. Listen I love animals, I do. But if I am truly going to contribute to a cause, lets fix the things that are wrong with ourselves first. Lets fix the children who die every day in America because they are completely neglected by their parents. Lets fix the foster care system so children no longer fall through the cracks. I am sorry, but as long as in our own country humans are being treated worse then animals, we need to fix that first. I know that this was not a funny one, but this really pisses me off. Worry about your own species first assholes.

4. When girls wear all pink and are walking tiny little dogs
Only 6 words: You're not Elle Woods. Stop It.

3. When people touch me
I hate it when people touch me. I hate cuddling, I hate kissing, I hate handshakes, high fives, fist bumps. You name it and it involves touching, I hate it. I especially hate it when people I don't know or I do know and I dislike try to hug me. I can barely stand to hug my own mother, you really think I want to hug you? No, I want to spit on your face. I also hate it when people kiss me on the forehead or cheek. Was that really necessary? Yes, mother, I am talking to you. When you hug me and put me in a death grip until I allow you to kiss me, I get a little angry. I call this pointless kissing. I hate it when boyfriends, friends, parents, or anyone else does it. You want to show me affection? Bow to me. That really proves your love. I find kissing as disgusting as a 6 year old boy does. And maybe there are a lot of similarities between me and a 6 year old boy, but that doesn't make my points any less valid.

2. When the coffee maker doesn't work
Everyone has that one thing that gets them going in the morning, maybe a shower, some coke, adderall, or what. Mine is coffee. Coffee is one of the top 3 most important substances to me. It goes: 1. Rum, 2. Beer, 3. Coffee, 4. Hair Spray, 5. Jelly. And the jelly is for exactly what you think it is for... So when I don't get my morning Coffee because some incompetent fool breaks my coffee machine I black out with rage and wake up several hours later in Tijuanna with a dead stripper and two toes missing. Where did my toes go? I kicked that fools ass so hard that my toes actually broke off in her anus. I then have to retrieve them and get them reattached. And you don't want to know the pain she feels during the retrieval process.

1. Everyone
If you are a person, a human being, or even something resembling a human being, I hate you. I hate you more than you think is humanly possible. because I am inhuman. And therefore I am capable of hating more that you could ever dream. Be so afraid.