My Wedding

It has recently come to my attention that my friends and I are closing in on the marrying age. And while I find the idea of being married anytime in the near future absolutely repulsive, I have begun to make a few preparations for the big day.

I am not talking about crazy stuff here, I am simply talking about planning the ceremony, which will be centered around yours truly.

Even though I am not even close to finding a guy to marry, I have planned out the part where normal people would be walking down the aisle. Since most of you who are my readers will be a part of the ceremony in some way I will inform you how it is going to go down.

First of all my wedding will be on a boat, even if it is a garbage boat, it must be on a boat.
Second of all the ceremony will not be at an altar, or a church, it will be on a stage. Proscenium arch and all.

It will begin with my bridesmaids, dressed as in the picture below:

Yeah, you should thank me, because you all will be looking FIERCE!
They will begin by dancing down the aisles with the grooms men, who will just wear normal tuxedos, to the song "Moondance" by Van Morrison. Don't worry, I already have it choreographed.

They will reach the stage just about the time the song ends, and FLASH! Pyrotechnics go off - but wait - glitter rain downs from the ceiling a la Moulin Rouge style as I make my entrance slowly descending from the ceiling in a giant birdcage. I begin to sing "Somebody to Love" by Queen, the whole time I remain in the birdcage. I cannot reveal my wedding dress at this time. That will remain a surprise.

Once the song is over, my husband rises up out of the ground, releases me from the birdcage, and then we begin to sing a spunky duet of "Baby, I know it's true" by Hellogoodbye.

Next A priest swings in via Tarzan Rope, and wait, it's my brother (he happens to be ordained) and he reads us the vows. Instead of answering the traditional way, my husband and I reply by singing "I Do" by 98 Degrees.

You thought it was the last song, you thought it was over, no no no. Next thing you know you are surrounded by a Chorus of black gospel singers who join those in the wedding party for a very soulful rendition of "I'm on a Boat" by The Lonely Island.

The Pyrotechnics go off again and everyone who was previously singing is gone. It's now time for the reception. Just wait to see what I have in store for that.

I run this shet, should be called OkAna

So even though I am so freaking awesome I have absolutely no trouble finding men. However, I did sign up for this dating website called okcupid.com mostly because it is free and I like to laugh at some of the men on there.

And this guy has to have one of the weirdest profiles on the entire website:

I am sad-eyed, soft-furred, and highly snuggable.

My Self-Summary

yeaah, i know i'm adorable and practically irresistible .. but we are here for that tall fella at the other end of the leash, my loyal master ..

what can i tell you about him? he's dependable, witty, affectionate, and has a ready sense of humor, especially when it comes to picking on me (sigh) but hey the guy is fun and spontaneous to hang out with so i don't mind him keeping me on my toes with his child-like antics ..

he tends to favor azure but off-beat vacation spots like the -hotelito escondido- in the -pacific coast- of -mexico- but also likes to kick back and relax at home

what else .. master r. is quite into nature (yeahhhh - that means long walks by the river where i can run wild!), music, theaters and the arts, films and literatures (sigh) ..

he prefers organic and simply prepared dishes such as those
at -makoto-, -buck fishing & camping- and -black salt- but also gets the craving sometime for a messy half-smoke at -ben chili bowl- .. of course, i'm only happy when he brings home a doggy bag of bone-in morsels ..

master r. is also quite active and athletic (running, swimming, yoga, kayaking and is in a indoor soccer league) .. he likes to get up too early and go for a brisk run and workout before i and my sidekick -sky- take him on our walks ..

he then put on his -clark kent- get-up as a -it- technologist and disappears until sundown (sigh)..

why am i doing this for him? well, he was with someone for quite a few dog years but has beensingle for almost a year ..

now that springtime is here and he is ready once again to frolic in the grasses, go chase a stick and roll in the mud, so to speak .. i'd like to hook him up with a gal who:

1) likes me a lot and believes in treats
:-) :-) :-) (tail waggin')

2) has a good sense of humor and is open-minded, culturally adventurous, personable and prefer indigenous cultures, secluded beaches and independent excursions over tours and all-inclusive resorts

3) has her own things going in life and is self-assured and happy within ..

he believes that a relationship is sustained in the long run by treating the other always with fairness and understanding through open, no-fault communication

so long for now young ladies and may your water bowl runneth over, your spirit unleashed, andyour bed pad warm and toasty ..

yours, Blue the dog

On a typical Friday night I am

waltz dancing to "Blue Danube" with my wide-eyed damsels, Blue & Sky

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here

is that I like it when you bite

You should message me if

~ if you believe, as i do , that sometime the wonders of life, the magical tickets to all its best rides, are found inside a hurrily trampled over unmarked envelope on the sidewalk of life, addressed to the one who picks it up ~



This guy then proceeded to ask me to go sake bombing with him on friday. I said no but he has been non stop messaging me.

I purposely made my profile as RIDICULOUS as possible, and for some god knows why reason I think it is making men MORE attracted to me.

Here is my profile:

I am avant-garde, specialinagoodway, and awesome.

My Self-Summary

I am a 21 year old recent college graduate who works in D.C.
D.C. chillin
P.G. chillin
My name's Ana and I came to get it.

I’m really good at

Its hard for me to single things out here because in general, I am just so freakin awesome that I am perfect at everything. I am especially talented at playing the bagpipes.

The first things people usually notice about me

How fly I am. And my face. But how could you not notice someone's face?

The six things I could never do without

Air.
Water.
Earth.
Livable Temperatures.
Nourishment.
Some place to use the bathroom.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Salt. I really, really, really, really, really like salt.

On a typical Friday night I am

Hopefully sake bombing. Sake bombing is one of my all time favorite things to do. So hopefully at any given time I am sake bombing. So most Friday nights I sake bomb then my friends and I hit the town. And by hitting the town I mean we get a little inebriated and then we begin to yell, throw and do the most inappropriate things we can think of. (I would have been grammatically correct here, but "of which we can think" sounds way to classy when I am talking about being drunk.)

You should message me if

You are not easily offended.




Yes, I did mention using the bathroom in my profile, and Yes, I have been asked on several dates so far. Even though I told every one that I really only ever thought about Salt. Either these men have excellent senses of humor, or they are the weirdest people ever.

Oh and here is like the best part!

You are supposed to post a Journal Entry about what your dating experiences have been in the past and here is mine:

Let's get down to Business...

May 18

To defeat the Huns
Did they send me daughters
When I asked for sons?
You're the saddest bunch
I ever met
But you can bet
Before we're through
Mister, I'll make a man
out of you

Tranquil as a forest
But on fire within
Once you find your center
you are sure to win
You're a spineless, pale
pathetic lot
And you haven't got a clue
Somehow I'll make a man
out of you

I'm never gonna catch
my breath
Say good-bye to those
who knew me
Boy, was I a fool in school
for cutting gym
This guy's got 'em
scared to death
Hope he doesn't see
right through me
Now I really wish that I
knew how to swim

(Be a man)
We must be swift as
the coursing river
(Be a man)
With all the force
of a great typhoon
(Be a man)
With all the strength
of a raging fire
Mysterious as the
dark side of the moon

Time is racing toward us
till the Huns arrive
Heed my every order
and you might survive
You're unsuited for
the rage of war
So pack up, go home
you're through
How could I make a man
out of you?

(Be a man)
We must be swift as
the coursing river
(Be a man)
With all the force
of a great typhoon
(Be a man)
With all the strength
of a raging fire
Mysterious as the
dark side of the moon

(Be a man)
We must be swift as
the Coursing river
(Be a man)
With all the force
of a great typhoon
(Be a man)
With all the strength
of a raging fire
Mysterious as the
dark side of the moon

Somehow this profile of mine has generated so much buzz that Okcupid felt the need to message me about creating higher standards for the men that I was willing to talk to. Admittedly, I had no standards because it all began as a joke profile. But now I think I might seriously take a look into all of this.

One of the guys who messaged me was a cute doctor who was doing his residency at Johns Hopkins. If he asks me on a date, how could I say no to that?

Wish me luck, my dear readers and Let me know what you think of all this. I suggest you go on there for yourself. It's very entertaining.

I think I will begin weekly postings of the random profiles I come across. Its too good not to feature on here.

I'm the Quizmeister

I like to take quizzes, mostly because they just tell me how Awesome I am all the time. Here are some results:


Well we all knew this already.

You Have an Extremely Active Imagination

Your mind is vivid, lively, and colorful. There is a lot going on in your head. You have the ability to make pictures and movies in your mind. You are extremely visual. Your creativity knows no bounds. You don't put restrictions or limits on your thoughts. You have a gift that other people wish they had. So exercise that imagination as much as you want!

How Active is Your Imagination?

Blogthings: If Quizzes Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Take Quizzes

Not the Octagon? Oh well Beefy McManstick is a pretty sweet name for my penis.

Your Penis Name Is: Beefy McManstick

Keep it in your pants!

Penis Name Generator

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

Apparently in my past life I was a whale. Interesting. This would certainly explain my love of plankton. No seriously, Egg and Batter then deep fry some good plankton or krill, oh that shet is soo good.

You Were a Whale

You see the unseen and connect on the deepest level. You help others find their soul's song.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

Don't they realize that this is my name already? Duh! Everyone knows that they are to address me as "Analbin, Empress of the Great Oceans."

Your Vampire Name Is: Empress of the Great Oceans

I never knew what life was until it ran out in a red gush over my lips, my hands!

What's Your Vampire Name?

Blogthings: Free Quizzes for Everyone

I am an artist right now. I mean haven't you seen these super sweet pictures I have posted?

You Should Be an Artist

You are incredibly creative, spontaneous, and unique. No one can guess what you're going to do next, but it's usually something amazing. You can't deal with routine, rules, or structure. You're easily bored. As long as you are able to innovate and break the rules, you are extremely successful. You do best when you: - Can work by yourself - Can express your personality in your work You would also be a good journalist or actor.

What Should You Be When You Grow Up?

Blogthings: We're Not Shrinks, But We Play Them On the Internet

Thats right the name Ana rocks. I inspire betches with my name!

You Have an Inspired First Name

You are a highly original and naturally creative person. You are always thinking outside the box. You are have adventurous spirit, and you are extremely energetic. If you love something, it's easy for you to stay motivated. You have your own unique take on the world. Your views are both independent and progressive. You aren't shy about living a bold and interesting life. You are a bit stubborn and headstrong when it comes to what you believe in.

What Kind of First Name Do You Have?

Blogthings: If Quizzes Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Take Quizzes

Well I am really not afraid of anyone. But it would be super Awesome if I actually did have horns like this. I read an article that discussed how you can shape coral into the shape of horns and attach them to your head. Apparently because of the high calcium content of coral, the human body will accept the horns and begin to attach them to your actual skull. Yeah that's right, I have done my homework, which included reading that one article and watching a certain Bones episode, don't be surprised if next time you see me I happen to have horns. I would look like a wood nymph. Once upon a time I played the role of a wood nymph in a staged production of "The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe."

As a method actor I insisted on living in the woods and scavenging for my food for 3 months before Opening Night. Ever since those wonderful, magical days where I truly embodied the character of a Wood Nymph, I have been longing to relive that experience, only with greater attention to detail. This is why I believe I will get horn implants and live out the rest of my days in a meadow, somewhere in Georgia (the biggest wood nymph population is in Georgia). I will frolic and jump and dance and twirl and spin and hop and skip...

You Believe That You're Fearless

You may not be the strongest person, but you have a lot of perseverance. You don't give up easily, and you're in it for the long run. You have incredible endurance. You respect people who are brave and try to do their best. Effort counts for a lot in your book. You have no respect for people who are paralyzed by their fears. In your opinion, that's just a life wasted.

The Horns Test

Blogthings: Take a Quiz. Annoy Your Friends.

I just took this one for Alyssa and Jessie:

Your Dream Guy is Edward

You are a true romantic, and for you, love is a very emotional and passionate thing. You want to be wooed, charmed, and even seduced. You have old fashioned ideas about romance. You don't mind being with a protective guy like Edward, as long as he has your best interests at heart. You like being taken care of completely, even if things get a little intense at times.

Who's Your Dream Guy: Jacob or Edward?

Blogthings: We're Not Shrinks, But We Play Them On the Internet

Well now that you are all now aware of how incredibly impressive I am, I will now actually do the work I am paid for. You know, after I am updated on my perez. As a ta ta for now present I will leave you with an image of a b-e-a-utiful man:


Dear Mr. Beau Biden,

I am hear to comfort you as you are going through these very emotionally and physically taxing times. Let me know if you need anything, and I mean anything (Wink). Please don't let this stroke ruin your very handsome face.

Love,
Ana

But you can call me Bananarama if you want Beau.

How To Be Awesome: Lesson 3, Emo kids are LAME

In case you haven't picked up on this by now, I am a very preachy, very judgmental person. There are so very, very many things that I hate in this world that I don't think it would be physically possible for me to list them all. For example I hate frayed shoelaces, I hate it when people breath audibly, I hate eggs because they are the chicken equivalent of a woman's red vaginal bomb (think about it and you will hate eggs too), I hate China, I hate it when people call me Anna, I hate Kristen Stewart, I hate Drew Barrymore, I hate it when people don't bow when I enter a room, I hate people who think they are smarter than I am (Because it's just simply impossible to be more smarter than me), I hate Benjamin Franklin, and though those are only a few of the things/people I hate, I hate EMO people most of all.

The Great and Legen... ...wait for it... ...dary Barney Stinson once said:

When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be AWESOME instead. True story.

You see being sad, is a shameful act. Sad people are worthless people, Awesome people are Awesome people. Do you understand what I mean?

Let me tell you a little story about a gorgeous, intelligent, awesome little girl (*ME*):

Once upon a time, in the age of the Tyrant Madman Bush, a little girl lived in a small little hut on the edge of a giant mountain called Mount Everest. This little girl was so good at everything she did, she was even awesome at pooping, that she decided to climb Mount Everest. She climbed up and down it in one afternoon. 2 hours exactly. It would have been 1 hour in total but she had to stop to take the previously mentioned poop. I know, I know, you were wondering how someone could be awesome at pooping, well anyone is awesome at anything when you can do it on top of Mount Everest.
But, I digress. So this little girl was just getting down from the mountain when she hears about a famous boxer named Creed who wants to box against an unknown. It is a chance for a nobody to become a somebody. It is supposed to be an easy match for Creed to win, but someone forgot to tell the little girl this. And as she was training by running up a huge thing of steps somewhere in a far off land called Philly, she began to become a little frightened because she worried she might loose. But then she realized how friggin awesome she was and kicked the crap out of Creed.

You see children, Believe in your inner awesomeness and then you will be awesome.


HAhahaha, I couldn't keep a straight face through typing that last line. You can't be awesome! I am awesome! Are you like me? no. Why? Because I am writing this blog, and you are reading it. Ergo *ME*>you. So unless you start really being like me, you can't be awesome. SORRY BITCH!

Unidragontaur

We all know what a unicorn is, a beautiful, majestic creature. Why, I rode on one just the other day! Except halfway through the ride his horn fell off and it seemed to be made from the cardboard ring paper-towels come on. My mother told me that that was just how unicorns make babies. Their horns fall off, then you have to bury the horn, and in 2 weeks, a baby unicorn will rise out of the ground. So then we had to bury the horn because if you don't the Mama unicorn will go on a killing rampage. I once saw a Panda get killed by a unicorn, and I never want to see something like that again.

Anyways, so we all know what a unicorn is, and well all know what a centaur is. What about a unitaur? Have you ever seen one of those? Well I never have, so I began to draw this wonderful creation. But then I began to think to myself:

"When has America ever done anything in moderation? Never. So, by only combining two creatures I am being unpatriotic."

This absolutely appalled me. I hate being unpatriotic. In fact, I go out of my way to show my pride in this great country. I got the flag tatooed on my whohaw. So then I thought:

"If I am to be more patriotic I have to add more crap to this animal! But what is the animal that most embodies America? It can't be something wussy like a bird. What is the most American animal that ever existed?"

Then, it hit me:

"A DRAGON!"

So, now that you know the story, here is my picture of *ME* as a unidragontaur:

How To Be Awesome: Lesson 2, "Suit Up!"

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I had to go to compliance driver training this morning... aka: I had to take a break and do my real job.

But, I am going to start off today's posts with a BANG! How to be Awesome, Lesson 2: "Suit Up!"

The quote for this one is simply, "Suit Up!" But this short quote embodies so much of the qualities needed to be awesome. To put this most simply, "when you look awesome, people think you are awesome, and then you are much closer to being awesome." Yes, it is about the power suit, but mostly about the power. Wearing something that looks expensive makes people fear you. And we all know that fear is only a step away from love. However, though you make think the ultimate goal is love, it's not. The ultimate goal is fear.

I could make anyone love me, I am the most lovable thing you have ever seen. I put baby kittens to shame. I friggin reek of lovability. But yet, most people fear me. Love gets you small favors here and there, fear gets you grovelling. So I make people fear with three major tactics:
1. Wear a suit, suit jacket, or heels so pointy they could stab someone through the heart at all times. Even in bed.
2. Botox your face so much that you loose all ability to express emotion.
3. Spend your free time developing your calf muscles. Nothing is scarier than huge calf muscles.

I employ these three simple tactics through out my life and everyone is constantly scared of me. Ergo I get them to do whatever I want.

But! Everyone needs one thing that makes them seem soft, this is so you can use this thing to manipulate people into doing more shit for you. My one thing is my cat, Mungo. I use my love for Mungo as away to draw people back in when they become too turned off by my calf muscles.

ex:
Person: "Dude, Ana, we can't be friends anymore. I am too scared that you will sell my future children for organs in order to fund your botox injections and dalmation coats."
Me: "Awe, that's too bad! Mungy-pants, my cat, is the love of my life and I am so worried about him because he sneezed the other day. That's why I have been acting particularly mean recently. I just don't know what I would do if he died!"
Person: "Oh no! I am so sorry I said those things to you! You can have as many of my future children as you want!"

And THAT children, is why they call me Rumplestiltskin.

And now that I have completely lost my original point I am just going to do my best to sum up this entry in a few words: Suit up, botox is wonderful, get a cat, and be awesome.

And to up the Awesome Ante for this entry, here is and original rendering, by yours truly, of the Stinsinator himself: