My Wedding

It has recently come to my attention that my friends and I are closing in on the marrying age. And while I find the idea of being married anytime in the near future absolutely repulsive, I have begun to make a few preparations for the big day.

I am not talking about crazy stuff here, I am simply talking about planning the ceremony, which will be centered around yours truly.

Even though I am not even close to finding a guy to marry, I have planned out the part where normal people would be walking down the aisle. Since most of you who are my readers will be a part of the ceremony in some way I will inform you how it is going to go down.

First of all my wedding will be on a boat, even if it is a garbage boat, it must be on a boat.
Second of all the ceremony will not be at an altar, or a church, it will be on a stage. Proscenium arch and all.

It will begin with my bridesmaids, dressed as in the picture below:

Yeah, you should thank me, because you all will be looking FIERCE!
They will begin by dancing down the aisles with the grooms men, who will just wear normal tuxedos, to the song "Moondance" by Van Morrison. Don't worry, I already have it choreographed.

They will reach the stage just about the time the song ends, and FLASH! Pyrotechnics go off - but wait - glitter rain downs from the ceiling a la Moulin Rouge style as I make my entrance slowly descending from the ceiling in a giant birdcage. I begin to sing "Somebody to Love" by Queen, the whole time I remain in the birdcage. I cannot reveal my wedding dress at this time. That will remain a surprise.

Once the song is over, my husband rises up out of the ground, releases me from the birdcage, and then we begin to sing a spunky duet of "Baby, I know it's true" by Hellogoodbye.

Next A priest swings in via Tarzan Rope, and wait, it's my brother (he happens to be ordained) and he reads us the vows. Instead of answering the traditional way, my husband and I reply by singing "I Do" by 98 Degrees.

You thought it was the last song, you thought it was over, no no no. Next thing you know you are surrounded by a Chorus of black gospel singers who join those in the wedding party for a very soulful rendition of "I'm on a Boat" by The Lonely Island.

The Pyrotechnics go off again and everyone who was previously singing is gone. It's now time for the reception. Just wait to see what I have in store for that.

Don't mess with Ana

So in the mornings I always struggle with watery eyes. Only it doesn't look like watery eyes, it looks like I am crying. I DO NOT CRY. I DO NOT CRY. Just so we are all clear here: I DO NOT CRY.

Friends, I ask you? When have you ever seen me cry? Never? That's right! Because, I DO NOT CRY. Maybe I will get a little teary-eyed when I am watching a particularly sad movie, like Bolt, but I DO NOT CRY over stuff that happens in my own life.

Crying makes you weak and inferior. You are exposing your weak side, and you no longer have an edge.

Now don't get me wrong, I can fake cry on command, or at least I used to be able to. I haven't needed to use that manipulation tactic in years. But it is a good one to get out of moving violations.

Earlier today while waiting for the metro I began to wipe my eyes because the were watering and a man came up to me and asked me why I was crying. I was truly offended. I don't think someone has said something that offensive to me in years. I became so incredibly infuriated that I froze like a deer in the headlights. I couldn't think of anything to say, but rage was bubbling up inside me and I became my very own Mt. Vesuvius. I didn't know what my next move was going to be but I knew I had to seek revenge for this humiliation.

As he was staring at me, waiting for a response, a train pulls up to the plat form. Here is my chance. I allow him to stand in front of me as we are waiting for the doors to open, carefully I am planning my attack. Then, just as the doors open, I assert my dominance all over his stupid face by running past him, stepping on his toe, and taking the last seat.

Wooo, I showed that betch. Don't mess with Ana.

I run this shet, should be called OkAna

So even though I am so freaking awesome I have absolutely no trouble finding men. However, I did sign up for this dating website called okcupid.com mostly because it is free and I like to laugh at some of the men on there.

And this guy has to have one of the weirdest profiles on the entire website:

I am sad-eyed, soft-furred, and highly snuggable.

My Self-Summary

yeaah, i know i'm adorable and practically irresistible .. but we are here for that tall fella at the other end of the leash, my loyal master ..

what can i tell you about him? he's dependable, witty, affectionate, and has a ready sense of humor, especially when it comes to picking on me (sigh) but hey the guy is fun and spontaneous to hang out with so i don't mind him keeping me on my toes with his child-like antics ..

he tends to favor azure but off-beat vacation spots like the -hotelito escondido- in the -pacific coast- of -mexico- but also likes to kick back and relax at home

what else .. master r. is quite into nature (yeahhhh - that means long walks by the river where i can run wild!), music, theaters and the arts, films and literatures (sigh) ..

he prefers organic and simply prepared dishes such as those
at -makoto-, -buck fishing & camping- and -black salt- but also gets the craving sometime for a messy half-smoke at -ben chili bowl- .. of course, i'm only happy when he brings home a doggy bag of bone-in morsels ..

master r. is also quite active and athletic (running, swimming, yoga, kayaking and is in a indoor soccer league) .. he likes to get up too early and go for a brisk run and workout before i and my sidekick -sky- take him on our walks ..

he then put on his -clark kent- get-up as a -it- technologist and disappears until sundown (sigh)..

why am i doing this for him? well, he was with someone for quite a few dog years but has beensingle for almost a year ..

now that springtime is here and he is ready once again to frolic in the grasses, go chase a stick and roll in the mud, so to speak .. i'd like to hook him up with a gal who:

1) likes me a lot and believes in treats
:-) :-) :-) (tail waggin')

2) has a good sense of humor and is open-minded, culturally adventurous, personable and prefer indigenous cultures, secluded beaches and independent excursions over tours and all-inclusive resorts

3) has her own things going in life and is self-assured and happy within ..

he believes that a relationship is sustained in the long run by treating the other always with fairness and understanding through open, no-fault communication

so long for now young ladies and may your water bowl runneth over, your spirit unleashed, andyour bed pad warm and toasty ..

yours, Blue the dog

On a typical Friday night I am

waltz dancing to "Blue Danube" with my wide-eyed damsels, Blue & Sky

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here

is that I like it when you bite

You should message me if

~ if you believe, as i do , that sometime the wonders of life, the magical tickets to all its best rides, are found inside a hurrily trampled over unmarked envelope on the sidewalk of life, addressed to the one who picks it up ~



This guy then proceeded to ask me to go sake bombing with him on friday. I said no but he has been non stop messaging me.

I purposely made my profile as RIDICULOUS as possible, and for some god knows why reason I think it is making men MORE attracted to me.

Here is my profile:

I am avant-garde, specialinagoodway, and awesome.

My Self-Summary

I am a 21 year old recent college graduate who works in D.C.
D.C. chillin
P.G. chillin
My name's Ana and I came to get it.

I’m really good at

Its hard for me to single things out here because in general, I am just so freakin awesome that I am perfect at everything. I am especially talented at playing the bagpipes.

The first things people usually notice about me

How fly I am. And my face. But how could you not notice someone's face?

The six things I could never do without

Air.
Water.
Earth.
Livable Temperatures.
Nourishment.
Some place to use the bathroom.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Salt. I really, really, really, really, really like salt.

On a typical Friday night I am

Hopefully sake bombing. Sake bombing is one of my all time favorite things to do. So hopefully at any given time I am sake bombing. So most Friday nights I sake bomb then my friends and I hit the town. And by hitting the town I mean we get a little inebriated and then we begin to yell, throw and do the most inappropriate things we can think of. (I would have been grammatically correct here, but "of which we can think" sounds way to classy when I am talking about being drunk.)

You should message me if

You are not easily offended.




Yes, I did mention using the bathroom in my profile, and Yes, I have been asked on several dates so far. Even though I told every one that I really only ever thought about Salt. Either these men have excellent senses of humor, or they are the weirdest people ever.

Oh and here is like the best part!

You are supposed to post a Journal Entry about what your dating experiences have been in the past and here is mine:

Let's get down to Business...

May 18

To defeat the Huns
Did they send me daughters
When I asked for sons?
You're the saddest bunch
I ever met
But you can bet
Before we're through
Mister, I'll make a man
out of you

Tranquil as a forest
But on fire within
Once you find your center
you are sure to win
You're a spineless, pale
pathetic lot
And you haven't got a clue
Somehow I'll make a man
out of you

I'm never gonna catch
my breath
Say good-bye to those
who knew me
Boy, was I a fool in school
for cutting gym
This guy's got 'em
scared to death
Hope he doesn't see
right through me
Now I really wish that I
knew how to swim

(Be a man)
We must be swift as
the coursing river
(Be a man)
With all the force
of a great typhoon
(Be a man)
With all the strength
of a raging fire
Mysterious as the
dark side of the moon

Time is racing toward us
till the Huns arrive
Heed my every order
and you might survive
You're unsuited for
the rage of war
So pack up, go home
you're through
How could I make a man
out of you?

(Be a man)
We must be swift as
the coursing river
(Be a man)
With all the force
of a great typhoon
(Be a man)
With all the strength
of a raging fire
Mysterious as the
dark side of the moon

(Be a man)
We must be swift as
the Coursing river
(Be a man)
With all the force
of a great typhoon
(Be a man)
With all the strength
of a raging fire
Mysterious as the
dark side of the moon

Somehow this profile of mine has generated so much buzz that Okcupid felt the need to message me about creating higher standards for the men that I was willing to talk to. Admittedly, I had no standards because it all began as a joke profile. But now I think I might seriously take a look into all of this.

One of the guys who messaged me was a cute doctor who was doing his residency at Johns Hopkins. If he asks me on a date, how could I say no to that?

Wish me luck, my dear readers and Let me know what you think of all this. I suggest you go on there for yourself. It's very entertaining.

I think I will begin weekly postings of the random profiles I come across. Its too good not to feature on here.

I'm the Quizmeister

I like to take quizzes, mostly because they just tell me how Awesome I am all the time. Here are some results:


Well we all knew this already.

You Have an Extremely Active Imagination

Your mind is vivid, lively, and colorful. There is a lot going on in your head. You have the ability to make pictures and movies in your mind. You are extremely visual. Your creativity knows no bounds. You don't put restrictions or limits on your thoughts. You have a gift that other people wish they had. So exercise that imagination as much as you want!

How Active is Your Imagination?

Blogthings: If Quizzes Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Take Quizzes

Not the Octagon? Oh well Beefy McManstick is a pretty sweet name for my penis.

Your Penis Name Is: Beefy McManstick

Keep it in your pants!

Penis Name Generator

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

Apparently in my past life I was a whale. Interesting. This would certainly explain my love of plankton. No seriously, Egg and Batter then deep fry some good plankton or krill, oh that shet is soo good.

You Were a Whale

You see the unseen and connect on the deepest level. You help others find their soul's song.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

Don't they realize that this is my name already? Duh! Everyone knows that they are to address me as "Analbin, Empress of the Great Oceans."

Your Vampire Name Is: Empress of the Great Oceans

I never knew what life was until it ran out in a red gush over my lips, my hands!

What's Your Vampire Name?

Blogthings: Free Quizzes for Everyone

I am an artist right now. I mean haven't you seen these super sweet pictures I have posted?

You Should Be an Artist

You are incredibly creative, spontaneous, and unique. No one can guess what you're going to do next, but it's usually something amazing. You can't deal with routine, rules, or structure. You're easily bored. As long as you are able to innovate and break the rules, you are extremely successful. You do best when you: - Can work by yourself - Can express your personality in your work You would also be a good journalist or actor.

What Should You Be When You Grow Up?

Blogthings: We're Not Shrinks, But We Play Them On the Internet

Thats right the name Ana rocks. I inspire betches with my name!

You Have an Inspired First Name

You are a highly original and naturally creative person. You are always thinking outside the box. You are have adventurous spirit, and you are extremely energetic. If you love something, it's easy for you to stay motivated. You have your own unique take on the world. Your views are both independent and progressive. You aren't shy about living a bold and interesting life. You are a bit stubborn and headstrong when it comes to what you believe in.

What Kind of First Name Do You Have?

Blogthings: If Quizzes Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Take Quizzes

Well I am really not afraid of anyone. But it would be super Awesome if I actually did have horns like this. I read an article that discussed how you can shape coral into the shape of horns and attach them to your head. Apparently because of the high calcium content of coral, the human body will accept the horns and begin to attach them to your actual skull. Yeah that's right, I have done my homework, which included reading that one article and watching a certain Bones episode, don't be surprised if next time you see me I happen to have horns. I would look like a wood nymph. Once upon a time I played the role of a wood nymph in a staged production of "The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe."

As a method actor I insisted on living in the woods and scavenging for my food for 3 months before Opening Night. Ever since those wonderful, magical days where I truly embodied the character of a Wood Nymph, I have been longing to relive that experience, only with greater attention to detail. This is why I believe I will get horn implants and live out the rest of my days in a meadow, somewhere in Georgia (the biggest wood nymph population is in Georgia). I will frolic and jump and dance and twirl and spin and hop and skip...

You Believe That You're Fearless

You may not be the strongest person, but you have a lot of perseverance. You don't give up easily, and you're in it for the long run. You have incredible endurance. You respect people who are brave and try to do their best. Effort counts for a lot in your book. You have no respect for people who are paralyzed by their fears. In your opinion, that's just a life wasted.

The Horns Test

Blogthings: Take a Quiz. Annoy Your Friends.

I just took this one for Alyssa and Jessie:

Your Dream Guy is Edward

You are a true romantic, and for you, love is a very emotional and passionate thing. You want to be wooed, charmed, and even seduced. You have old fashioned ideas about romance. You don't mind being with a protective guy like Edward, as long as he has your best interests at heart. You like being taken care of completely, even if things get a little intense at times.

Who's Your Dream Guy: Jacob or Edward?

Blogthings: We're Not Shrinks, But We Play Them On the Internet

Well now that you are all now aware of how incredibly impressive I am, I will now actually do the work I am paid for. You know, after I am updated on my perez. As a ta ta for now present I will leave you with an image of a b-e-a-utiful man:


Dear Mr. Beau Biden,

I am hear to comfort you as you are going through these very emotionally and physically taxing times. Let me know if you need anything, and I mean anything (Wink). Please don't let this stroke ruin your very handsome face.

Love,
Ana

But you can call me Bananarama if you want Beau.

Ana's Top Ten Most Disgusting or Strange Pick-up Lines That DID NOT Actually Deter the Man.

Many of those who know me are aware of my compulsive lying. Now, I don't do this to just anyone, mostly just men I meet at the bar. I feel a deep urge to just make up the most ridiculous lies I can, or I say the most ridiculous things I can. I really enjoy pushing it as far as I can possibly go and see how much a man will take. In College Park it is especially funny because men will deal with just about anything to get laid.

So with that bit of background information, I introduce "Ana's Top Ten Most Disgusting or Strange Pick-up Lines That DID NOT Actually Deter the Man." (Yes, I hate to admit it, but these lines sometimes actually made men become MORE interested in me.)

10. "Our names are Anastasia and Katrina and we are Russian twins."
Ok so you might say, "Well men LOVE twins why is this so strange?" The strangeness mostly has to do with the fact that this was what I would tell men FROM EUROPE about Cat and I while we clearly had only American accents. Yet, they still seemed to believe us. Not to mention that I still don't really see much of a resemblance between Cat and I.

9. "You look like you just walked out of a 'Lord of the Gays' parade."
It was really the shirt he was wearing. But this one goes so low on the list because I think that most men might try harder to actually change my mind after I would say this to them.

8."I'm a Mexican Chicken."
Oh this one is an inside joke, but it involves a sombrero, the cluck-u chicken man, and many cervezas.

7. "Look I really physically do not have a cellphone"
This man COULD NOT take a hint.

6. "blah-haha-blugh-hem"
That was the sound of me vomiting. This is one of the most iconic of all my anecdotes, but it is ranked so low because it actually wasn't a pick up line. Basically I was seeing this guy (we will call him Wings because of the intense amount of hair on his back and the manner in which this hair was shaped) and when he asked me to be his girlfriend I vomited all over his face. No, I wasn't very drunk at all. Yes, being his girlfriend seemed that disgusting to me. Surprisingly he continued to try and date me. I had to end it though after he took me to his away weekend and I saw him with his shirt off for the first time.

5. "How do you feel about Light-saber lava? I really only date men who are world wide champions."
Now this line I actually use pretty frequently. You see it does two things, it filters out the jocks and jerks while it draws in the nerds and geeks. Yes, I am proud to admit that I am a nerd and geek lover. The dorkier the better. So while to some men they find this a really strange thing to say, other men think that it is the hottest thing I could ever say. But regardless of drawing in men, I really, truly do refuse to date anyone who won't play light-saber lava with me. It is truly and deeply my favorite sport.

4. "I am actually only 14, I just hit puberty really early."
This one sometimes has an unexpected effect. When men become more interested in me after I say this I get a little creeped out.

3. "The smell of vomit is such a turn on."
I use this one at Santa Fe in CP a lot. For some unknown and appalling reason that bar ALWAYS smells like vomit. So when a man approached me in Fe the other night I had the PERFECT opportunity to send him running. Only he really didn't seemed that disturbed by what I had just said.

2. "I polished these buttons with my own urine."
I really don't know what possessed me to say this, especially since I liked the guy I was talking to. Maybe I just have the weirdest sense of humor. But he actually thought that that was the most hysterical thing ever.

1. "I am actually still a man and I am just waiting on my sex change operation."
I really thought that this would be the most offensive thing I could possibly say to a guy at Cornerstone, but for GOD knows why he actually offered to buy me a drink. This just goes to show you HOW desperate men are to get their decks slippery when wet.

One person's infection is another person's entire world

So I had to go buy a new pair of shoes while I was at work because the shoes I was wearing ripped in half. I taped them back together with packing tape, but my boss suggested that I go buy a new pair and not look like trailer park trash with one shoe being taped together.

I went and got and new pair of shoes and said pair of shoes gave me HUGE blisters. But being the kind of person I am, I decided to just pop them and go play kickball. Now one of my popped blisters is very infected. I would say that I regret this incident, but the infection vaguely looks like a cottonball or a mature dandylion. That in turn makes me think that I have a whole world filled with "Who" like creatures on my ankle.

Only I wouldn't have "Whos" I would have "Ands." "Ana asks an And" would be the title of my story. I would ask my Ands so many questions. I would ask my Ands really important philosophical questions like, "What if there was a fish who was really poisonous, and the Shark ate this fish and then died. Would you rather be the shark or the fish? Both died, but would you rather be eaten or poisoned?" These kind of questions say a lot about a person. Another really important question: "If you were to compare me to a character on Scrubs which one would I be?" And other questions that not only reveal a lot about someone else, but reveal a lot about how they see me. You see, I am an excellent dancer like Turk, I have intense daydreams like J.D., and I am a little bit of a spazz like Elliot. So I exhibit traits from all three of these characters, but which one do you think I most closely resemble? (Readers post your answers to both of these questions below.)

I would protect my Ands from those betchy monkeys and other birds. But if the mayor ever tried to lecture me about treating people right I would just douse him in some Neosporin, and be like "Betch please."

And my Ands wouldn't celebrate Christmas so there would be no Grinch. They celebrate the Sun God and the Spider Woman and a trickster named Eye-Juggler tries to steal all their feathers. There is not a Grinch stealing presents.

Monday list of Hate

Since I have actually been doing work all day long I have unfortunately been unable to update my blog today. But don't worry my readers, this just means that you will have tons of awesome pictures throughout the rest of the week.

But, because it is Monday, here is my hate list for this week:

10. The Chinese Government.
Do I really need to explain this one? The best thing China ever did was give the US the plot line for Mulan, which in turn produced one of the greatest songs ever made: Make a man out of you. I love me some Donny Osmond.

9. When other people have fun while I am forced to do something boring.
If you had more fun then me, I really DO NOT want to hear about it. Just shut up and let me go on living in denial .

8. When people give me answers to the crossword puzzle.
This is not a two person activity. I don't want to hear what you have to say.

7. Gwyenth Paltrow
You can just look at this betch's face and know that she thinks she is better than you. With her stupid hair and her stupid husband. She is about as Aryan as you can get. I mean she married the lead singer of Coldplay for God's sake. Whore.

6. Blisters on the bottom of your feet.
Then you have to pop them, and while this can be fun and satisfying, you without a doubt forget to grab a cloth or something to wipe the juice coming out with. Now you have to go get a cloth but because the blister is on the bottom of your foot you are getting the juice all over the floor. Then when all the juice is out, your foot is still sore because there is only a thin layer of dead skin protecting the new skin. Hey body! I would rather just use a freakin bandaid. You unhelpful son of a shitcock.

5. Time's 100 Most Influential People of 2010.
Mostly I am just furious at Time for not naming me number 1. Who is Oprah? No one has ever heard of Oprah. Now Ana? Yeah, everyone knows who Ana is.

4. Kangaroos
I know I may seem like the most logical, rational person ever, but I have a deep seeded hatred for Kangaroos that is really unexplainable. I think its their pouches. That's just disturbing. I think about if I had a giant pocket on my stomach, permanently attached, would I put my spawn in there? Hell no, I would put my shet in there so I would never have to carry a purse again. I dislike all animals that aren't inherently selfish. I think that is why I hate kangaroos.

3. When people open their mouths while they are chewing.
If you do this, you are disgusting. Nothing is less appetizing (except for chocoteeth) than watching someone eat with their mouth open. It is actually repulsive.

2. Lefty Standers
This is especially annoying at stations like Dupont Circle, Adams Morgan and Friendship Heights, where the escalators are so incredibly long that if you don't walk down/up them you will spend 10 minutes riding them. So I HATE it when lefty standers make it so that I can't walk down/up. And what I hate even more are the lefty standers that actually give me attitude when I tell them to move. You are ruining my day. RUINING MY DAY.

1. Chocoteeth
So those who know me know that I find poop to be pretty hysterical. One might even say my sense of humor is on par with a 5 year old boy when it comes to poop jokes. But I accidentally stumbled upon a poop joke that is so incredibly disturbing and disgusting that I puked a little when I saw it. If you google Chocoteeth, you will come upon a video of a man actually brushing his teeth with his own poop. This is one of the few times that I am ashamed of a poop joke. So incredibly repulsive.

In my head you are portrayed by Alexander Skarsgard.

One of the things about being so Awesome, is that I am very prone to doing stupid shit. I think this has do to with the fact that because I am so awesome I forget about paying attention to things that normal people pay attention to.

For example the other day my friend Alyssa told me she was going to be picking me up and I should come outside for her. When I went outside I saw a black SUV, the exact kind Alyssa drives, so I hopped in the back seat. Once I was in there I realized that I had no clue who the driver was. Yet, instead of getting out of the car I chose to sit there and stare at him. Like a deer in the headlights. He, as surprised as I was, just stared right back at me. This staring contest went on for what seemed like 2 and 1/2 months until I started hiccuping and I bolted out of the car.

Now, I know everyone and their mom has a story like this. But the thing that is so special about mine is that I am the main character in it.

See I view my life like a movie, I am the star and you all are all supporting actors. That's why when something happens to me it is a million times more awesome. You experience things as they happen, I experience things to their full potential, including music, lights, make up, and with more attractive people recast into your roles.

This sometimes gets me into a little bit of trouble, because I tend to not care as much about other people and their problems or feelings. But they should be thanking me because in my head I am making them famous.

I will never understand the way other people think or work. It seems to me that they should be happy that I allow them in my movie at all.

Cinco de Mayo

Those who know me know that I get really excited about themed parties. To the point of obsession. When I am at a theme party I am in full on character, from elaborate costumes down to the accent.

So I am happy to announce that sometime this weekend I plan on having a MEXICAN themed party!

At this party I will be playing ricky martin, jennifer lopez, the mexican hat dance, and that other mexican singer who isn't as good as ricky. I will be offering tacos, chips and salsa, queso and guac. It will be byob, but your drinks must be mexican, like margaritas or cerveza. We will be making ojos de dios and there will be a pinata. I haven't decided completely on what movie we may watch but it could be:
Nacho Libre
The Mexican
Apacalypto
The Road to El Dorado.

Personally, I am favoring The Road to El Dorado.

I am thinking I will have it on Saturday. Any thoughts/suggestions/comments?

The United States of Picking and Flicking.

So I am going to go a little unorthidox today and talk about something that is very serious and personally, very important to me. I am talking about picking your nose. I know a lot of people are very anti the pick-and-flick, but I am a huge fan.

Not many people have the kahonas to stand up on their little soap box and announce to the world that they enjoy digging for gold in their free time, but I am gonna take one for the team here and announce to the world my favorite past time.

I just never quite understood what was so inherently wrong about it. As long as you keep a good supply of hand sanitizer on you, why not go spelunking? We all do it, just no one ever wants to admit it.

Maybe the thrill of being caught is one of the reasons I love it so. How sneakily can I get that booger that has been bothering me all day? Will anyone notice? And if they do notice does anyone have the balls to say something to me?

Ever since I have turned 21, so many things are no longer as fun as they once were. Mostly drinking. Nothing was more exciting than walking up to that bouncer with a terrible fake and seeing just how far I could push the limits before I got in trouble. Since that has now lost its luster I am forced to finding enjoyment in pushing other boundaries. Like social norms. Society doesn't want me to pick my nose? Well too bad. We live in America Buddy! And that bird that I think it was what a grandfather bird would look like (what is it, the bald something or other?) says I have my freedoms. I earned my freedom to pick my nose wherever I want. And no one, not even Ben Franklin, can ever take that away from me.

Crap I hate.

I am not going to be all girly and crap and try to pretend that I think everyone is equal. I really don't think everyone is equal at all. Because no one is as good as me. And because no one is as good as me I inherit the right to judge everyone. And I judge harshly. If you believe in all that equality bullcrap then you obviously have never met me because I am such a fine specimen of the Homospaiens that it would blow your freakin mind.

Since I have the God given right to judge everyone I feel as though I need to have a rant right now about the top 10 things I hate the most this terrible Monday morning:

10. The Sky
Depending on where you are reading this blog from (this is a shout out to all my readers in Guyana - the last half of your country's name is awesome), the sky looks pretty craptastic right now. Like it's constipated. But, lets really break this down. If the sky was a giant asshole would rain be diahreea? Snow would be like regular poops and sleet/hail would be like what? A poop after you ate a lot of corn? But then what would a sunny day be? The day you got your but hole professionally whitened? Or the day you finally got that much needed brazillian wax? Maybe thunderstorms are the sky's crimson wave? The only thing that we could know for sure about the sky and it's asshole is that any of it's bowel movements piss me off.



9. People with giant slugs/boils on their face
I was harmlessly taking the metro this morning with my good friend Jmart, when someone TRULY offended us with her face. This girl has ISSUES! She had this giant boil/slug/fetus protruding from her face. She reminded me of the brain slugs from Futurama. I almost upchucked all over her, just because I thought that it would be less disgusting.



8. Emotions
The only emotion anyone should ever express to me is complete and utter awe in my awesomeness. But any emotion makes you a weak and deplorable human being. But what makes me angrier than other people having emotions, is when I slip up and let myself have emotions. I RARELY every disappoint myself, but when I do, I become enraged and furious. Right now I am something akin to the Incredible Hulk why? Wouldn't you like to know. Filthy peons, why would I expose a weakness to you? Just know, I feel so incredibly disgusted I think I might be vomiting more than my pregnant boss today. If I see you don't be surprised if I rip off your face, turn it in to jerky, feed it to a dog, wait till he vomits it back up, then I'll put it back on your face. Nothing is worse then hear little children scream in desperate terror just because they looked at you. And that will happen to you constantly from now on.


7. People who don't courtesy flush in public rest rooms
Look, we have all been there. You just HAD to have that second cup of coffee and that high fiber oatmeal now you are in public and if you don't give in and use the restroom available you might just fly off to the moon with the amount of gas coming out your ass. And yes, we all know its you that just let one go, it wasn't as quiet as you think. So please go use the restroom, but I beg of you to take a courtesy flush. Nothing is worse then when an innocent bystander, like myself, pops in for a quick pee and unknowingly they are stepping into what sounds like a dogfight of WWI. I hear those bombs dropping, and now you have made my shit list. No pun intended.

6. when the DVR cuts off the end of your show
I don't ask a lot from others. All that I ask is that you aren't a total betchface. When you cut off the end of my shows, you cut off the world from decency. Please don't take away my special time, or we will resort back to cave man times and I will sic a raptor on you. Little known fact about me, I can control all dinosaurs. You think they don't exist, well the joke is on you because I just keep them hidden so that they can continue to do my bidding. Ever wonder where your socks go when you wash them? Ask triceratops. Ever wonder who is controlling the traffic lights? Ask T-Rex. Don't mess with me or you will get your ass beat up by some very hungry dinosaurs.
BTW, thats not chicken you're eating, its pterodactyl.

5. Those Humane society commercials with sarah McLachlan songs.
Ok, we get it, that sarah bitch loves her dogs and cats. Not my dog, not my problem. Thats what I say. I already adopted a cat from your shit. STOP ASKING FOR MORE. You know whats a bigger problem? Children starving to death. Rampant Aids. Disgusting Water people are forced to drink. Listen I love animals, I do. But if I am truly going to contribute to a cause, lets fix the things that are wrong with ourselves first. Lets fix the children who die every day in America because they are completely neglected by their parents. Lets fix the foster care system so children no longer fall through the cracks. I am sorry, but as long as in our own country humans are being treated worse then animals, we need to fix that first. I know that this was not a funny one, but this really pisses me off. Worry about your own species first assholes.

4. When girls wear all pink and are walking tiny little dogs
Only 6 words: You're not Elle Woods. Stop It.

3. When people touch me
I hate it when people touch me. I hate cuddling, I hate kissing, I hate handshakes, high fives, fist bumps. You name it and it involves touching, I hate it. I especially hate it when people I don't know or I do know and I dislike try to hug me. I can barely stand to hug my own mother, you really think I want to hug you? No, I want to spit on your face. I also hate it when people kiss me on the forehead or cheek. Was that really necessary? Yes, mother, I am talking to you. When you hug me and put me in a death grip until I allow you to kiss me, I get a little angry. I call this pointless kissing. I hate it when boyfriends, friends, parents, or anyone else does it. You want to show me affection? Bow to me. That really proves your love. I find kissing as disgusting as a 6 year old boy does. And maybe there are a lot of similarities between me and a 6 year old boy, but that doesn't make my points any less valid.

2. When the coffee maker doesn't work
Everyone has that one thing that gets them going in the morning, maybe a shower, some coke, adderall, or what. Mine is coffee. Coffee is one of the top 3 most important substances to me. It goes: 1. Rum, 2. Beer, 3. Coffee, 4. Hair Spray, 5. Jelly. And the jelly is for exactly what you think it is for... So when I don't get my morning Coffee because some incompetent fool breaks my coffee machine I black out with rage and wake up several hours later in Tijuanna with a dead stripper and two toes missing. Where did my toes go? I kicked that fools ass so hard that my toes actually broke off in her anus. I then have to retrieve them and get them reattached. And you don't want to know the pain she feels during the retrieval process.

1. Everyone
If you are a person, a human being, or even something resembling a human being, I hate you. I hate you more than you think is humanly possible. because I am inhuman. And therefore I am capable of hating more that you could ever dream. Be so afraid.

Goosey GOose

Goosey Goose says, "Derts der berst derng derbout worderking nerxt ter er berdunch derf mern? Erf erou fert, erou cern erderways berame ert ern derm."

Translation: "What's the best thing about working next to a bunch of men? If you fart, you can ALWAYS blame it on them."

How To Be Awesome: Lesson 4, Just Do It

Please don't sue me nike, its not like I have any money anyways. But Nike does have a pretty awesome slogan, "Just Do It." It's very similar to the Barney Stinson quote for today:

Look, our forefathers died for the "pursuit of happiness," okay? Not for the "sit around and wait of happiness." Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.

I feel as though this quote doesn't need a lot of elaborating, it's pretty self evident in its meaning. What this quote does need is an awesome story behind it that is not relevant at all. And here I go:

Yesterday I decided to walk to Cancun, and since I can run at the speed of light, the walk from College Park to Cancun only took .43 hours. That number is from a factual equation that I just made up in my head. Anyways, while I was in Cancun, I got to thinking, "Am I just gonna sit around Cancun and drink Margaritas for the rest of my life?" I will admit, there are worse situations, but I need to LIVE MY LIFE! So I decided the best idea would be for me to go to Siberia. I figure out there, the men will LOVE a chick with the name Anastasia. While I am in Siberia though I realize that the parkas really don't do much for my figure, so I SNOW SUIT UP, but you really can't wear stilettos in the snow. I decided to test my luck with my stilettos though, so I ended up duck taping them to a pair of tennis rackets to try and make some awesome snow shoes.

Then I went hunting and I killed a polar bear and a panda and a kangaroo with my bare hands, and since I like my meat rare I decided to just eat my feast there in my snow. BUT THEN MY SNOW SHOE BROKE. Can you believe it? Little old me stuck out in the middle of Siberia with only a polar bear, a panda, and a kangaroo to eat. Well, I used my geniousness to make a temporary shelter by combining the skins of those three animals. But then an avalanche came and trapped me in my shelter, it was awful. I was stuck there for 10 weeks before I realized that I was faster than the speed of light and I ran out of there. I ran all the way to Milan, where I was spotted on the street by Versace and she said my look was "Mountain Chic" and I would be the inspiration for her winter line.

Moral of the story: Don't go to Siberia unless you have a super power.

How To Be Awesome: Lesson 3, Emo kids are LAME

In case you haven't picked up on this by now, I am a very preachy, very judgmental person. There are so very, very many things that I hate in this world that I don't think it would be physically possible for me to list them all. For example I hate frayed shoelaces, I hate it when people breath audibly, I hate eggs because they are the chicken equivalent of a woman's red vaginal bomb (think about it and you will hate eggs too), I hate China, I hate it when people call me Anna, I hate Kristen Stewart, I hate Drew Barrymore, I hate it when people don't bow when I enter a room, I hate people who think they are smarter than I am (Because it's just simply impossible to be more smarter than me), I hate Benjamin Franklin, and though those are only a few of the things/people I hate, I hate EMO people most of all.

The Great and Legen... ...wait for it... ...dary Barney Stinson once said:

When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be AWESOME instead. True story.

You see being sad, is a shameful act. Sad people are worthless people, Awesome people are Awesome people. Do you understand what I mean?

Let me tell you a little story about a gorgeous, intelligent, awesome little girl (*ME*):

Once upon a time, in the age of the Tyrant Madman Bush, a little girl lived in a small little hut on the edge of a giant mountain called Mount Everest. This little girl was so good at everything she did, she was even awesome at pooping, that she decided to climb Mount Everest. She climbed up and down it in one afternoon. 2 hours exactly. It would have been 1 hour in total but she had to stop to take the previously mentioned poop. I know, I know, you were wondering how someone could be awesome at pooping, well anyone is awesome at anything when you can do it on top of Mount Everest.
But, I digress. So this little girl was just getting down from the mountain when she hears about a famous boxer named Creed who wants to box against an unknown. It is a chance for a nobody to become a somebody. It is supposed to be an easy match for Creed to win, but someone forgot to tell the little girl this. And as she was training by running up a huge thing of steps somewhere in a far off land called Philly, she began to become a little frightened because she worried she might loose. But then she realized how friggin awesome she was and kicked the crap out of Creed.

You see children, Believe in your inner awesomeness and then you will be awesome.


HAhahaha, I couldn't keep a straight face through typing that last line. You can't be awesome! I am awesome! Are you like me? no. Why? Because I am writing this blog, and you are reading it. Ergo *ME*>you. So unless you start really being like me, you can't be awesome. SORRY BITCH!

I'm too sexy for these straws, too sexy for these glasses, in general, I am too sexy.

Cinderella me: Hot Shit.

Mormons, OH MY!

I love mormons, I love musicals. I am going to make a mormon musical! Wait - Trey Parker and Matt Stone stole my idea!

This Perez article tells you all about it.

I guess a lot of people would think of an idea as genious as "The Book of Mormon."

Now I have to brainstorm all over again to think of an idea for my musical... Don't worry I will post my brilliant idea by the end of the day.

Here is a sneak peak of me on broadway: