But, I am going to start off today's posts with a BANG! How to be Awesome, Lesson 2: "Suit Up!"
The quote for this one is simply, "Suit Up!" But this short quote embodies so much of the qualities needed to be awesome. To put this most simply, "when you look awesome, people think you are awesome, and then you are much closer to being awesome." Yes, it is about the power suit, but mostly about the power. Wearing something that looks expensive makes people fear you. And we all know that fear is only a step away from love. However, though you make think the ultimate goal is love, it's not. The ultimate goal is fear.
I could make anyone love me, I am the most lovable thing you have ever seen. I put baby kittens to shame. I friggin reek of lovability. But yet, most people fear me. Love gets you small favors here and there, fear gets you grovelling. So I make people fear with three major tactics:
1. Wear a suit, suit jacket, or heels so pointy they could stab someone through the heart at all times. Even in bed.
2. Botox your face so much that you loose all ability to express emotion.
3. Spend your free time developing your calf muscles. Nothing is scarier than huge calf muscles.
I employ these three simple tactics through out my life and everyone is constantly scared of me. Ergo I get them to do whatever I want.
But! Everyone needs one thing that makes them seem soft, this is so you can use this thing to manipulate people into doing more shit for you. My one thing is my cat, Mungo. I use my love for Mungo as away to draw people back in when they become too turned off by my calf muscles.
ex:
Person: "Dude, Ana, we can't be friends anymore. I am too scared that you will sell my future children for organs in order to fund your botox injections and dalmation coats."
Me: "Awe, that's too bad! Mungy-pants, my cat, is the love of my life and I am so worried about him because he sneezed the other day. That's why I have been acting particularly mean recently. I just don't know what I would do if he died!"
Person: "Oh no! I am so sorry I said those things to you! You can have as many of my future children as you want!"
And THAT children, is why they call me Rumplestiltskin.
And now that I have completely lost my original point I am just going to do my best to sum up this entry in a few words: Suit up, botox is wonderful, get a cat, and be awesome.
And to up the Awesome Ante for this entry, here is and original rendering, by yours truly, of the Stinsinator himself:
