My Wedding

It has recently come to my attention that my friends and I are closing in on the marrying age. And while I find the idea of being married anytime in the near future absolutely repulsive, I have begun to make a few preparations for the big day.

I am not talking about crazy stuff here, I am simply talking about planning the ceremony, which will be centered around yours truly.

Even though I am not even close to finding a guy to marry, I have planned out the part where normal people would be walking down the aisle. Since most of you who are my readers will be a part of the ceremony in some way I will inform you how it is going to go down.

First of all my wedding will be on a boat, even if it is a garbage boat, it must be on a boat.
Second of all the ceremony will not be at an altar, or a church, it will be on a stage. Proscenium arch and all.

It will begin with my bridesmaids, dressed as in the picture below:

Yeah, you should thank me, because you all will be looking FIERCE!
They will begin by dancing down the aisles with the grooms men, who will just wear normal tuxedos, to the song "Moondance" by Van Morrison. Don't worry, I already have it choreographed.

They will reach the stage just about the time the song ends, and FLASH! Pyrotechnics go off - but wait - glitter rain downs from the ceiling a la Moulin Rouge style as I make my entrance slowly descending from the ceiling in a giant birdcage. I begin to sing "Somebody to Love" by Queen, the whole time I remain in the birdcage. I cannot reveal my wedding dress at this time. That will remain a surprise.

Once the song is over, my husband rises up out of the ground, releases me from the birdcage, and then we begin to sing a spunky duet of "Baby, I know it's true" by Hellogoodbye.

Next A priest swings in via Tarzan Rope, and wait, it's my brother (he happens to be ordained) and he reads us the vows. Instead of answering the traditional way, my husband and I reply by singing "I Do" by 98 Degrees.

You thought it was the last song, you thought it was over, no no no. Next thing you know you are surrounded by a Chorus of black gospel singers who join those in the wedding party for a very soulful rendition of "I'm on a Boat" by The Lonely Island.

The Pyrotechnics go off again and everyone who was previously singing is gone. It's now time for the reception. Just wait to see what I have in store for that.

One person's infection is another person's entire world

So I had to go buy a new pair of shoes while I was at work because the shoes I was wearing ripped in half. I taped them back together with packing tape, but my boss suggested that I go buy a new pair and not look like trailer park trash with one shoe being taped together.

I went and got and new pair of shoes and said pair of shoes gave me HUGE blisters. But being the kind of person I am, I decided to just pop them and go play kickball. Now one of my popped blisters is very infected. I would say that I regret this incident, but the infection vaguely looks like a cottonball or a mature dandylion. That in turn makes me think that I have a whole world filled with "Who" like creatures on my ankle.

Only I wouldn't have "Whos" I would have "Ands." "Ana asks an And" would be the title of my story. I would ask my Ands so many questions. I would ask my Ands really important philosophical questions like, "What if there was a fish who was really poisonous, and the Shark ate this fish and then died. Would you rather be the shark or the fish? Both died, but would you rather be eaten or poisoned?" These kind of questions say a lot about a person. Another really important question: "If you were to compare me to a character on Scrubs which one would I be?" And other questions that not only reveal a lot about someone else, but reveal a lot about how they see me. You see, I am an excellent dancer like Turk, I have intense daydreams like J.D., and I am a little bit of a spazz like Elliot. So I exhibit traits from all three of these characters, but which one do you think I most closely resemble? (Readers post your answers to both of these questions below.)

I would protect my Ands from those betchy monkeys and other birds. But if the mayor ever tried to lecture me about treating people right I would just douse him in some Neosporin, and be like "Betch please."

And my Ands wouldn't celebrate Christmas so there would be no Grinch. They celebrate the Sun God and the Spider Woman and a trickster named Eye-Juggler tries to steal all their feathers. There is not a Grinch stealing presents.

The United States of Picking and Flicking.

So I am going to go a little unorthidox today and talk about something that is very serious and personally, very important to me. I am talking about picking your nose. I know a lot of people are very anti the pick-and-flick, but I am a huge fan.

Not many people have the kahonas to stand up on their little soap box and announce to the world that they enjoy digging for gold in their free time, but I am gonna take one for the team here and announce to the world my favorite past time.

I just never quite understood what was so inherently wrong about it. As long as you keep a good supply of hand sanitizer on you, why not go spelunking? We all do it, just no one ever wants to admit it.

Maybe the thrill of being caught is one of the reasons I love it so. How sneakily can I get that booger that has been bothering me all day? Will anyone notice? And if they do notice does anyone have the balls to say something to me?

Ever since I have turned 21, so many things are no longer as fun as they once were. Mostly drinking. Nothing was more exciting than walking up to that bouncer with a terrible fake and seeing just how far I could push the limits before I got in trouble. Since that has now lost its luster I am forced to finding enjoyment in pushing other boundaries. Like social norms. Society doesn't want me to pick my nose? Well too bad. We live in America Buddy! And that bird that I think it was what a grandfather bird would look like (what is it, the bald something or other?) says I have my freedoms. I earned my freedom to pick my nose wherever I want. And no one, not even Ben Franklin, can ever take that away from me.

Chupacabra

Have you ever heard of the chupacabra? Apparently it's this animal that lives somewhere in the south of North America and eats goats. Well I don't know/ don't care what the accounts of it's looks say it looks like, but I thought I would have a go at what I think it looks like.

Crap I hate.

I am not going to be all girly and crap and try to pretend that I think everyone is equal. I really don't think everyone is equal at all. Because no one is as good as me. And because no one is as good as me I inherit the right to judge everyone. And I judge harshly. If you believe in all that equality bullcrap then you obviously have never met me because I am such a fine specimen of the Homospaiens that it would blow your freakin mind.

Since I have the God given right to judge everyone I feel as though I need to have a rant right now about the top 10 things I hate the most this terrible Monday morning:

10. The Sky
Depending on where you are reading this blog from (this is a shout out to all my readers in Guyana - the last half of your country's name is awesome), the sky looks pretty craptastic right now. Like it's constipated. But, lets really break this down. If the sky was a giant asshole would rain be diahreea? Snow would be like regular poops and sleet/hail would be like what? A poop after you ate a lot of corn? But then what would a sunny day be? The day you got your but hole professionally whitened? Or the day you finally got that much needed brazillian wax? Maybe thunderstorms are the sky's crimson wave? The only thing that we could know for sure about the sky and it's asshole is that any of it's bowel movements piss me off.



9. People with giant slugs/boils on their face
I was harmlessly taking the metro this morning with my good friend Jmart, when someone TRULY offended us with her face. This girl has ISSUES! She had this giant boil/slug/fetus protruding from her face. She reminded me of the brain slugs from Futurama. I almost upchucked all over her, just because I thought that it would be less disgusting.



8. Emotions
The only emotion anyone should ever express to me is complete and utter awe in my awesomeness. But any emotion makes you a weak and deplorable human being. But what makes me angrier than other people having emotions, is when I slip up and let myself have emotions. I RARELY every disappoint myself, but when I do, I become enraged and furious. Right now I am something akin to the Incredible Hulk why? Wouldn't you like to know. Filthy peons, why would I expose a weakness to you? Just know, I feel so incredibly disgusted I think I might be vomiting more than my pregnant boss today. If I see you don't be surprised if I rip off your face, turn it in to jerky, feed it to a dog, wait till he vomits it back up, then I'll put it back on your face. Nothing is worse then hear little children scream in desperate terror just because they looked at you. And that will happen to you constantly from now on.


7. People who don't courtesy flush in public rest rooms
Look, we have all been there. You just HAD to have that second cup of coffee and that high fiber oatmeal now you are in public and if you don't give in and use the restroom available you might just fly off to the moon with the amount of gas coming out your ass. And yes, we all know its you that just let one go, it wasn't as quiet as you think. So please go use the restroom, but I beg of you to take a courtesy flush. Nothing is worse then when an innocent bystander, like myself, pops in for a quick pee and unknowingly they are stepping into what sounds like a dogfight of WWI. I hear those bombs dropping, and now you have made my shit list. No pun intended.

6. when the DVR cuts off the end of your show
I don't ask a lot from others. All that I ask is that you aren't a total betchface. When you cut off the end of my shows, you cut off the world from decency. Please don't take away my special time, or we will resort back to cave man times and I will sic a raptor on you. Little known fact about me, I can control all dinosaurs. You think they don't exist, well the joke is on you because I just keep them hidden so that they can continue to do my bidding. Ever wonder where your socks go when you wash them? Ask triceratops. Ever wonder who is controlling the traffic lights? Ask T-Rex. Don't mess with me or you will get your ass beat up by some very hungry dinosaurs.
BTW, thats not chicken you're eating, its pterodactyl.

5. Those Humane society commercials with sarah McLachlan songs.
Ok, we get it, that sarah bitch loves her dogs and cats. Not my dog, not my problem. Thats what I say. I already adopted a cat from your shit. STOP ASKING FOR MORE. You know whats a bigger problem? Children starving to death. Rampant Aids. Disgusting Water people are forced to drink. Listen I love animals, I do. But if I am truly going to contribute to a cause, lets fix the things that are wrong with ourselves first. Lets fix the children who die every day in America because they are completely neglected by their parents. Lets fix the foster care system so children no longer fall through the cracks. I am sorry, but as long as in our own country humans are being treated worse then animals, we need to fix that first. I know that this was not a funny one, but this really pisses me off. Worry about your own species first assholes.

4. When girls wear all pink and are walking tiny little dogs
Only 6 words: You're not Elle Woods. Stop It.

3. When people touch me
I hate it when people touch me. I hate cuddling, I hate kissing, I hate handshakes, high fives, fist bumps. You name it and it involves touching, I hate it. I especially hate it when people I don't know or I do know and I dislike try to hug me. I can barely stand to hug my own mother, you really think I want to hug you? No, I want to spit on your face. I also hate it when people kiss me on the forehead or cheek. Was that really necessary? Yes, mother, I am talking to you. When you hug me and put me in a death grip until I allow you to kiss me, I get a little angry. I call this pointless kissing. I hate it when boyfriends, friends, parents, or anyone else does it. You want to show me affection? Bow to me. That really proves your love. I find kissing as disgusting as a 6 year old boy does. And maybe there are a lot of similarities between me and a 6 year old boy, but that doesn't make my points any less valid.

2. When the coffee maker doesn't work
Everyone has that one thing that gets them going in the morning, maybe a shower, some coke, adderall, or what. Mine is coffee. Coffee is one of the top 3 most important substances to me. It goes: 1. Rum, 2. Beer, 3. Coffee, 4. Hair Spray, 5. Jelly. And the jelly is for exactly what you think it is for... So when I don't get my morning Coffee because some incompetent fool breaks my coffee machine I black out with rage and wake up several hours later in Tijuanna with a dead stripper and two toes missing. Where did my toes go? I kicked that fools ass so hard that my toes actually broke off in her anus. I then have to retrieve them and get them reattached. And you don't want to know the pain she feels during the retrieval process.

1. Everyone
If you are a person, a human being, or even something resembling a human being, I hate you. I hate you more than you think is humanly possible. because I am inhuman. And therefore I am capable of hating more that you could ever dream. Be so afraid.

Goosey GOose

Goose GOose Says: "Perple ern der mertro cern sterll her ernd serr errou ervern whern yer wering herderphones. Ser terk ert ferm sermern wher lerned der herd wer, perkering yer nerse ernd dern tering ter werp ert ern sermern errou jerst cerrd er 'fert bertch' ers nert erker. Sher herd errou, ern nerw derts her hernd erntering der ner fler zerne of yer ferce."

Translation: "People on the metro can still hear and see you even when you're wearing headphones. So take it from someone who learned the hard way, picking your nose and then trying to wipe it on someone you just called a 'fat bitch' is not okay. She heard you, and now that's her hand entering the no fly zone of your face."

My life long dream.....

Many of us know what its like to have a life long dream; something that is so desperately important to you that you would do absolutely anything in your power to get it. It's a beautiful vision that keeps you going through the bad days and hard times. It's what you think about before you go to bed, it's what you day dream about all afternoon. It is a driving force that helps you accomplish the things that you hold so very close and dear. A life long dream is why we live.

Everyone's dream is different, and catered exactly to you. What your dream is has so much to do with what kind of a person you are. For some it may be to find true love, for others it may be to find fortune. For many its to find true happiness.

I have finally worked up the courage to being my quest to complete my life dream and I need all my readers to contribute for me to accomplish it.




That's right! My life long dream is to take a bath in adderall! But I need your help!

GIVE ME YOUR PILLS BETCHDECK!

Cat Cat vs. The Evil HummingBee

It would sadden and disturb you if I told you how long it took me to make this. Especially due to the quality of the art work.

Goosey GOose

Goosey Goose says, "Derts der berst derng derbout worderking nerxt ter er berdunch derf mern? Erf erou fert, erou cern erderways berame ert ern derm."

Translation: "What's the best thing about working next to a bunch of men? If you fart, you can ALWAYS blame it on them."

How To Be Awesome: Lesson 4, Just Do It

Please don't sue me nike, its not like I have any money anyways. But Nike does have a pretty awesome slogan, "Just Do It." It's very similar to the Barney Stinson quote for today:

Look, our forefathers died for the "pursuit of happiness," okay? Not for the "sit around and wait of happiness." Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.

I feel as though this quote doesn't need a lot of elaborating, it's pretty self evident in its meaning. What this quote does need is an awesome story behind it that is not relevant at all. And here I go:

Yesterday I decided to walk to Cancun, and since I can run at the speed of light, the walk from College Park to Cancun only took .43 hours. That number is from a factual equation that I just made up in my head. Anyways, while I was in Cancun, I got to thinking, "Am I just gonna sit around Cancun and drink Margaritas for the rest of my life?" I will admit, there are worse situations, but I need to LIVE MY LIFE! So I decided the best idea would be for me to go to Siberia. I figure out there, the men will LOVE a chick with the name Anastasia. While I am in Siberia though I realize that the parkas really don't do much for my figure, so I SNOW SUIT UP, but you really can't wear stilettos in the snow. I decided to test my luck with my stilettos though, so I ended up duck taping them to a pair of tennis rackets to try and make some awesome snow shoes.

Then I went hunting and I killed a polar bear and a panda and a kangaroo with my bare hands, and since I like my meat rare I decided to just eat my feast there in my snow. BUT THEN MY SNOW SHOE BROKE. Can you believe it? Little old me stuck out in the middle of Siberia with only a polar bear, a panda, and a kangaroo to eat. Well, I used my geniousness to make a temporary shelter by combining the skins of those three animals. But then an avalanche came and trapped me in my shelter, it was awful. I was stuck there for 10 weeks before I realized that I was faster than the speed of light and I ran out of there. I ran all the way to Milan, where I was spotted on the street by Versace and she said my look was "Mountain Chic" and I would be the inspiration for her winter line.

Moral of the story: Don't go to Siberia unless you have a super power.

I'll Bag YOUR Wine

Just for the record, I created this bag THREE YEARS AGO!

I remember it like it was yesterday...

I was a young girl, new to the city of College Park, 18 years old. I found the drink prices to be appallingly high, little did I know they were insanely cheap, so I devised an ingenious scheme to get free alcohol.

Step 1, take a canvas bag and cut a small hole in one of the bottom corners.

Step 2, go to a frat party, preferable a frat that is desperate for girls, and steal a box of wine.

Step 3, open the box and take out the bag.

Step 4, place bag of wine inside of the canvas bag with the nozzle sticking out through the hole you already cut.

Step 5, place a smaller purse inside canvas bag, over top of the bag of wine.

Step 6, DRINK BITCH!

Step 7, when you are passing out in a random parking lot after drinking half the bag, you can now use the rest of your bag of wine as a pillow.


Yeah see, you don't need to pay $60 for the shit, just follow my instructions and you not only have a bag for you wine, but a pillow too!

SUCK ON THESE NUTS!

For your convenience I included below a pretty detail depiction on how to use the bag as a pillow correctly.

Better than Chuck Norris

Well I suppose I do have readers. You all are not in my head like so much of the way I view the world is! My friend, AND READER, Jenn asked me to draw her while she was hold her cats. Well, I must say, this is one of my best works yet:



Does anyone else have any requests? Just let me know and I will make it happen.

Cinderella me: Hot Shit.

Mormons, OH MY!

I love mormons, I love musicals. I am going to make a mormon musical! Wait - Trey Parker and Matt Stone stole my idea!

This Perez article tells you all about it.

I guess a lot of people would think of an idea as genious as "The Book of Mormon."

Now I have to brainstorm all over again to think of an idea for my musical... Don't worry I will post my brilliant idea by the end of the day.

Here is a sneak peak of me on broadway:

LET ME DRAW YOU, let me caress your body, you got me going crazy ooo, turn me up, turn me on!

You know the best thing about kickball?
I am awesome at it.
You know the best thing about life?
I am awesome at it.
You know the best thing about me?
I am awesome.
You know the best things about you?
You are slightly awesome for loving me, because I am so awesome.

Buttt, I just wanted to put up this post to let you know about my offer to draw. You tell me something you want drawn, and I will draw it. Here is an example of something I drew on paint for my friend Cat:



This piece is called: "Cat's Outta The Bag"

You want this kinda talent representing you? LET ME KNOW!

Now I am off to meet my kickball, kicking butt buddies!

HOORAH for BEER! The juice of GODS! The Most precious substance ever!

My name is mungo

I wrote the most Awesome song ever for my cat this morning. It goes like this:

Chorus:
My name is Mungo
And you just don't know
My name is Mungo
And I be sexy fo sho
My name is Mungo
And you is just a ho
My name is Mungo
And here/here/here I go

Verse 1:
I lick my paws
You like it like that
I show my claws
And you say "Look at that cat"
I make you rub me
by laying on my belly
Yeah you just love me
But I run away cuz you is smelly.

Chorus:
My name is Mungo
And you just don't know
My name is Mungo
And I be sexy fo sho
My name is Mungo
And you is just a ho
My name is Mungo
And here/here/here I go

Verse 2:
I got so much game
All the ladies really love me
especially penny lane
but the bitches bug me
Cuz I aint got no mo balls
And I wear pink hats
I also wear no draws
But hell, I'm a cat!

Chorus:
My name is Mungo
And you just don't know
My name is Mungo
And I be sexy fo sho
My name is Mungo
And you is just a ho
My name is Mungo
And here/here/here I go

Bridge:
Don't judge me
Just love me
and hug me
You so fugly

Chorus:
My name is Mungo
And you just don't know
My name is Mungo
And I be sexy fo sho
My name is Mungo
And you is just a ho
My name is Mungo
And here/here/here I go

Unidragontaur

We all know what a unicorn is, a beautiful, majestic creature. Why, I rode on one just the other day! Except halfway through the ride his horn fell off and it seemed to be made from the cardboard ring paper-towels come on. My mother told me that that was just how unicorns make babies. Their horns fall off, then you have to bury the horn, and in 2 weeks, a baby unicorn will rise out of the ground. So then we had to bury the horn because if you don't the Mama unicorn will go on a killing rampage. I once saw a Panda get killed by a unicorn, and I never want to see something like that again.

Anyways, so we all know what a unicorn is, and well all know what a centaur is. What about a unitaur? Have you ever seen one of those? Well I never have, so I began to draw this wonderful creation. But then I began to think to myself:

"When has America ever done anything in moderation? Never. So, by only combining two creatures I am being unpatriotic."

This absolutely appalled me. I hate being unpatriotic. In fact, I go out of my way to show my pride in this great country. I got the flag tatooed on my whohaw. So then I thought:

"If I am to be more patriotic I have to add more crap to this animal! But what is the animal that most embodies America? It can't be something wussy like a bird. What is the most American animal that ever existed?"

Then, it hit me:

"A DRAGON!"

So, now that you know the story, here is my picture of *ME* as a unidragontaur:

How To Be Awesome: Lesson 2, "Suit Up!"

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I had to go to compliance driver training this morning... aka: I had to take a break and do my real job.

But, I am going to start off today's posts with a BANG! How to be Awesome, Lesson 2: "Suit Up!"

The quote for this one is simply, "Suit Up!" But this short quote embodies so much of the qualities needed to be awesome. To put this most simply, "when you look awesome, people think you are awesome, and then you are much closer to being awesome." Yes, it is about the power suit, but mostly about the power. Wearing something that looks expensive makes people fear you. And we all know that fear is only a step away from love. However, though you make think the ultimate goal is love, it's not. The ultimate goal is fear.

I could make anyone love me, I am the most lovable thing you have ever seen. I put baby kittens to shame. I friggin reek of lovability. But yet, most people fear me. Love gets you small favors here and there, fear gets you grovelling. So I make people fear with three major tactics:
1. Wear a suit, suit jacket, or heels so pointy they could stab someone through the heart at all times. Even in bed.
2. Botox your face so much that you loose all ability to express emotion.
3. Spend your free time developing your calf muscles. Nothing is scarier than huge calf muscles.

I employ these three simple tactics through out my life and everyone is constantly scared of me. Ergo I get them to do whatever I want.

But! Everyone needs one thing that makes them seem soft, this is so you can use this thing to manipulate people into doing more shit for you. My one thing is my cat, Mungo. I use my love for Mungo as away to draw people back in when they become too turned off by my calf muscles.

ex:
Person: "Dude, Ana, we can't be friends anymore. I am too scared that you will sell my future children for organs in order to fund your botox injections and dalmation coats."
Me: "Awe, that's too bad! Mungy-pants, my cat, is the love of my life and I am so worried about him because he sneezed the other day. That's why I have been acting particularly mean recently. I just don't know what I would do if he died!"
Person: "Oh no! I am so sorry I said those things to you! You can have as many of my future children as you want!"

And THAT children, is why they call me Rumplestiltskin.

And now that I have completely lost my original point I am just going to do my best to sum up this entry in a few words: Suit up, botox is wonderful, get a cat, and be awesome.

And to up the Awesome Ante for this entry, here is and original rendering, by yours truly, of the Stinsinator himself:

Vampire Kangaroo?

So since I have just graduated college, I thought that I would pass along a little golden nugget of information that can change your life; how to make any animal look crazy.

No matter the cuteness of the particular animal you want to draw, you can make them look like they are psychotic.

step 1: Give the animal insanely big teeth. It doesn't matter if the animal has big teeth or even teeth, just give it big teeth.

step 2: Give the animal ridiculously long claws. The same rule for the teeth works with the claws: it doesn't matter if the animal has claws, just give it some. And if you want the animal to be particularly creepy, make it's claws bloody.

step 3: Give the Animal mean eyes:


Man, I feel like something is seriously judging me right now.

There you go, three easy steps to making a demented animal. Here is how I made a normally adorable Kangaroo look scary as shit:



AHHH! I'm gonna feed you to my joey! Cuz AHh I'm a Vampire KANGAROO!