How To Be Awesome: Lesson 4, Just Do It

Please don't sue me nike, its not like I have any money anyways. But Nike does have a pretty awesome slogan, "Just Do It." It's very similar to the Barney Stinson quote for today:

Look, our forefathers died for the "pursuit of happiness," okay? Not for the "sit around and wait of happiness." Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.

I feel as though this quote doesn't need a lot of elaborating, it's pretty self evident in its meaning. What this quote does need is an awesome story behind it that is not relevant at all. And here I go:

Yesterday I decided to walk to Cancun, and since I can run at the speed of light, the walk from College Park to Cancun only took .43 hours. That number is from a factual equation that I just made up in my head. Anyways, while I was in Cancun, I got to thinking, "Am I just gonna sit around Cancun and drink Margaritas for the rest of my life?" I will admit, there are worse situations, but I need to LIVE MY LIFE! So I decided the best idea would be for me to go to Siberia. I figure out there, the men will LOVE a chick with the name Anastasia. While I am in Siberia though I realize that the parkas really don't do much for my figure, so I SNOW SUIT UP, but you really can't wear stilettos in the snow. I decided to test my luck with my stilettos though, so I ended up duck taping them to a pair of tennis rackets to try and make some awesome snow shoes.

Then I went hunting and I killed a polar bear and a panda and a kangaroo with my bare hands, and since I like my meat rare I decided to just eat my feast there in my snow. BUT THEN MY SNOW SHOE BROKE. Can you believe it? Little old me stuck out in the middle of Siberia with only a polar bear, a panda, and a kangaroo to eat. Well, I used my geniousness to make a temporary shelter by combining the skins of those three animals. But then an avalanche came and trapped me in my shelter, it was awful. I was stuck there for 10 weeks before I realized that I was faster than the speed of light and I ran out of there. I ran all the way to Milan, where I was spotted on the street by Versace and she said my look was "Mountain Chic" and I would be the inspiration for her winter line.

Moral of the story: Don't go to Siberia unless you have a super power.

How To Be Awesome: Lesson 3, Emo kids are LAME

In case you haven't picked up on this by now, I am a very preachy, very judgmental person. There are so very, very many things that I hate in this world that I don't think it would be physically possible for me to list them all. For example I hate frayed shoelaces, I hate it when people breath audibly, I hate eggs because they are the chicken equivalent of a woman's red vaginal bomb (think about it and you will hate eggs too), I hate China, I hate it when people call me Anna, I hate Kristen Stewart, I hate Drew Barrymore, I hate it when people don't bow when I enter a room, I hate people who think they are smarter than I am (Because it's just simply impossible to be more smarter than me), I hate Benjamin Franklin, and though those are only a few of the things/people I hate, I hate EMO people most of all.

The Great and Legen... ...wait for it... ...dary Barney Stinson once said:

When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be AWESOME instead. True story.

You see being sad, is a shameful act. Sad people are worthless people, Awesome people are Awesome people. Do you understand what I mean?

Let me tell you a little story about a gorgeous, intelligent, awesome little girl (*ME*):

Once upon a time, in the age of the Tyrant Madman Bush, a little girl lived in a small little hut on the edge of a giant mountain called Mount Everest. This little girl was so good at everything she did, she was even awesome at pooping, that she decided to climb Mount Everest. She climbed up and down it in one afternoon. 2 hours exactly. It would have been 1 hour in total but she had to stop to take the previously mentioned poop. I know, I know, you were wondering how someone could be awesome at pooping, well anyone is awesome at anything when you can do it on top of Mount Everest.
But, I digress. So this little girl was just getting down from the mountain when she hears about a famous boxer named Creed who wants to box against an unknown. It is a chance for a nobody to become a somebody. It is supposed to be an easy match for Creed to win, but someone forgot to tell the little girl this. And as she was training by running up a huge thing of steps somewhere in a far off land called Philly, she began to become a little frightened because she worried she might loose. But then she realized how friggin awesome she was and kicked the crap out of Creed.

You see children, Believe in your inner awesomeness and then you will be awesome.


HAhahaha, I couldn't keep a straight face through typing that last line. You can't be awesome! I am awesome! Are you like me? no. Why? Because I am writing this blog, and you are reading it. Ergo *ME*>you. So unless you start really being like me, you can't be awesome. SORRY BITCH!

How To Be Awesome: Lesson 2, "Suit Up!"

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I had to go to compliance driver training this morning... aka: I had to take a break and do my real job.

But, I am going to start off today's posts with a BANG! How to be Awesome, Lesson 2: "Suit Up!"

The quote for this one is simply, "Suit Up!" But this short quote embodies so much of the qualities needed to be awesome. To put this most simply, "when you look awesome, people think you are awesome, and then you are much closer to being awesome." Yes, it is about the power suit, but mostly about the power. Wearing something that looks expensive makes people fear you. And we all know that fear is only a step away from love. However, though you make think the ultimate goal is love, it's not. The ultimate goal is fear.

I could make anyone love me, I am the most lovable thing you have ever seen. I put baby kittens to shame. I friggin reek of lovability. But yet, most people fear me. Love gets you small favors here and there, fear gets you grovelling. So I make people fear with three major tactics:
1. Wear a suit, suit jacket, or heels so pointy they could stab someone through the heart at all times. Even in bed.
2. Botox your face so much that you loose all ability to express emotion.
3. Spend your free time developing your calf muscles. Nothing is scarier than huge calf muscles.

I employ these three simple tactics through out my life and everyone is constantly scared of me. Ergo I get them to do whatever I want.

But! Everyone needs one thing that makes them seem soft, this is so you can use this thing to manipulate people into doing more shit for you. My one thing is my cat, Mungo. I use my love for Mungo as away to draw people back in when they become too turned off by my calf muscles.

ex:
Person: "Dude, Ana, we can't be friends anymore. I am too scared that you will sell my future children for organs in order to fund your botox injections and dalmation coats."
Me: "Awe, that's too bad! Mungy-pants, my cat, is the love of my life and I am so worried about him because he sneezed the other day. That's why I have been acting particularly mean recently. I just don't know what I would do if he died!"
Person: "Oh no! I am so sorry I said those things to you! You can have as many of my future children as you want!"

And THAT children, is why they call me Rumplestiltskin.

And now that I have completely lost my original point I am just going to do my best to sum up this entry in a few words: Suit up, botox is wonderful, get a cat, and be awesome.

And to up the Awesome Ante for this entry, here is and original rendering, by yours truly, of the Stinsinator himself:

How To Be Awesome: Lesson 1, Lying

In honor of "How I Met Your Mother," I am going to be doing a series of life lessons where I take a Barney Stinson quote, and teach you "readers" (I put readers in quotes because I know I am the only one who actually reads this) a life lesson about how to be awesome.

Today's lesson is centered around the quote: "A lie is a great story ruined by the truth."

I am hesitant to call this quote "so true" due to it's subject matter, but oh, it is so true. I personally like to embellish most of my stories. For instance: instead of telling people "I don't eat pig because I don't like the taste of it," I instead tell people "I don't eat pig because once, when I was little I was at a farm and I fell in love with a pig named Betsy. After I cared for Betsy until she grew fat and happy. Then, the owners of the farm murdered her before my eyes. They slit her throat and made me watch as the blood poured from her neck." See the difference? The truth makes it so people still bother me to try and eat pork, even though I told them I don't like it. The lie makes it so no one ever bothers me about eating pork again. Hoorah! Everyone is happy.

Another lie I like to tell everyone is that I was injured in a dirt bike accident. Lets compare the truth to the lie again.
Truth: "I was straddling a dirt bike trying to learn how to work it when it fell over on me and I got surprisingly hurt from a stupid accident."
Lie: "During my time as a BMX-er, I attempted to complete the never before seen stunt called 'The SkippyMilkshakeCostaRicaBootyTwist.' It was so complex and intense that I ended up falling from 60ft in the air and crashed in a fiery explosion. I walked away surprisingly uninjured from what could have been a deadly accident."
I feel like I don't even really need to justify the lie here, its just so much more awesome.

So, in conclusion, make up as much crap as you want about your life. Most people will forget half the crap you tell them anyways, so why not entertain yourself, and your listener with a wild and insane story. There are 2 types of people that get away with lying: The person who never lies, so when they do they are immediately forgiven, and the person who lies so much that no one would believe them even if they were telling the truth. I prefer to be the latter. Yes, no one ever knows what I am talking about, but they love me anyway because it feels like they are talking to a soap opera.