In my head you are portrayed by Alexander Skarsgard.

One of the things about being so Awesome, is that I am very prone to doing stupid shit. I think this has do to with the fact that because I am so awesome I forget about paying attention to things that normal people pay attention to.

For example the other day my friend Alyssa told me she was going to be picking me up and I should come outside for her. When I went outside I saw a black SUV, the exact kind Alyssa drives, so I hopped in the back seat. Once I was in there I realized that I had no clue who the driver was. Yet, instead of getting out of the car I chose to sit there and stare at him. Like a deer in the headlights. He, as surprised as I was, just stared right back at me. This staring contest went on for what seemed like 2 and 1/2 months until I started hiccuping and I bolted out of the car.

Now, I know everyone and their mom has a story like this. But the thing that is so special about mine is that I am the main character in it.

See I view my life like a movie, I am the star and you all are all supporting actors. That's why when something happens to me it is a million times more awesome. You experience things as they happen, I experience things to their full potential, including music, lights, make up, and with more attractive people recast into your roles.

This sometimes gets me into a little bit of trouble, because I tend to not care as much about other people and their problems or feelings. But they should be thanking me because in my head I am making them famous.

I will never understand the way other people think or work. It seems to me that they should be happy that I allow them in my movie at all.

Cinco de Mayo

Those who know me know that I get really excited about themed parties. To the point of obsession. When I am at a theme party I am in full on character, from elaborate costumes down to the accent.

So I am happy to announce that sometime this weekend I plan on having a MEXICAN themed party!

At this party I will be playing ricky martin, jennifer lopez, the mexican hat dance, and that other mexican singer who isn't as good as ricky. I will be offering tacos, chips and salsa, queso and guac. It will be byob, but your drinks must be mexican, like margaritas or cerveza. We will be making ojos de dios and there will be a pinata. I haven't decided completely on what movie we may watch but it could be:
Nacho Libre
The Mexican
Apacalypto
The Road to El Dorado.

Personally, I am favoring The Road to El Dorado.

I am thinking I will have it on Saturday. Any thoughts/suggestions/comments?

Milk was a bad choice...

I LOVE Anchorman. It has to be one of my all time favorite movies EVER.

That is why I am so upset about this.

The United States of Picking and Flicking.

So I am going to go a little unorthidox today and talk about something that is very serious and personally, very important to me. I am talking about picking your nose. I know a lot of people are very anti the pick-and-flick, but I am a huge fan.

Not many people have the kahonas to stand up on their little soap box and announce to the world that they enjoy digging for gold in their free time, but I am gonna take one for the team here and announce to the world my favorite past time.

I just never quite understood what was so inherently wrong about it. As long as you keep a good supply of hand sanitizer on you, why not go spelunking? We all do it, just no one ever wants to admit it.

Maybe the thrill of being caught is one of the reasons I love it so. How sneakily can I get that booger that has been bothering me all day? Will anyone notice? And if they do notice does anyone have the balls to say something to me?

Ever since I have turned 21, so many things are no longer as fun as they once were. Mostly drinking. Nothing was more exciting than walking up to that bouncer with a terrible fake and seeing just how far I could push the limits before I got in trouble. Since that has now lost its luster I am forced to finding enjoyment in pushing other boundaries. Like social norms. Society doesn't want me to pick my nose? Well too bad. We live in America Buddy! And that bird that I think it was what a grandfather bird would look like (what is it, the bald something or other?) says I have my freedoms. I earned my freedom to pick my nose wherever I want. And no one, not even Ben Franklin, can ever take that away from me.

Chupacabra

Have you ever heard of the chupacabra? Apparently it's this animal that lives somewhere in the south of North America and eats goats. Well I don't know/ don't care what the accounts of it's looks say it looks like, but I thought I would have a go at what I think it looks like.

Mungo in his new hat

Crap I hate.

I am not going to be all girly and crap and try to pretend that I think everyone is equal. I really don't think everyone is equal at all. Because no one is as good as me. And because no one is as good as me I inherit the right to judge everyone. And I judge harshly. If you believe in all that equality bullcrap then you obviously have never met me because I am such a fine specimen of the Homospaiens that it would blow your freakin mind.

Since I have the God given right to judge everyone I feel as though I need to have a rant right now about the top 10 things I hate the most this terrible Monday morning:

10. The Sky
Depending on where you are reading this blog from (this is a shout out to all my readers in Guyana - the last half of your country's name is awesome), the sky looks pretty craptastic right now. Like it's constipated. But, lets really break this down. If the sky was a giant asshole would rain be diahreea? Snow would be like regular poops and sleet/hail would be like what? A poop after you ate a lot of corn? But then what would a sunny day be? The day you got your but hole professionally whitened? Or the day you finally got that much needed brazillian wax? Maybe thunderstorms are the sky's crimson wave? The only thing that we could know for sure about the sky and it's asshole is that any of it's bowel movements piss me off.



9. People with giant slugs/boils on their face
I was harmlessly taking the metro this morning with my good friend Jmart, when someone TRULY offended us with her face. This girl has ISSUES! She had this giant boil/slug/fetus protruding from her face. She reminded me of the brain slugs from Futurama. I almost upchucked all over her, just because I thought that it would be less disgusting.



8. Emotions
The only emotion anyone should ever express to me is complete and utter awe in my awesomeness. But any emotion makes you a weak and deplorable human being. But what makes me angrier than other people having emotions, is when I slip up and let myself have emotions. I RARELY every disappoint myself, but when I do, I become enraged and furious. Right now I am something akin to the Incredible Hulk why? Wouldn't you like to know. Filthy peons, why would I expose a weakness to you? Just know, I feel so incredibly disgusted I think I might be vomiting more than my pregnant boss today. If I see you don't be surprised if I rip off your face, turn it in to jerky, feed it to a dog, wait till he vomits it back up, then I'll put it back on your face. Nothing is worse then hear little children scream in desperate terror just because they looked at you. And that will happen to you constantly from now on.


7. People who don't courtesy flush in public rest rooms
Look, we have all been there. You just HAD to have that second cup of coffee and that high fiber oatmeal now you are in public and if you don't give in and use the restroom available you might just fly off to the moon with the amount of gas coming out your ass. And yes, we all know its you that just let one go, it wasn't as quiet as you think. So please go use the restroom, but I beg of you to take a courtesy flush. Nothing is worse then when an innocent bystander, like myself, pops in for a quick pee and unknowingly they are stepping into what sounds like a dogfight of WWI. I hear those bombs dropping, and now you have made my shit list. No pun intended.

6. when the DVR cuts off the end of your show
I don't ask a lot from others. All that I ask is that you aren't a total betchface. When you cut off the end of my shows, you cut off the world from decency. Please don't take away my special time, or we will resort back to cave man times and I will sic a raptor on you. Little known fact about me, I can control all dinosaurs. You think they don't exist, well the joke is on you because I just keep them hidden so that they can continue to do my bidding. Ever wonder where your socks go when you wash them? Ask triceratops. Ever wonder who is controlling the traffic lights? Ask T-Rex. Don't mess with me or you will get your ass beat up by some very hungry dinosaurs.
BTW, thats not chicken you're eating, its pterodactyl.

5. Those Humane society commercials with sarah McLachlan songs.
Ok, we get it, that sarah bitch loves her dogs and cats. Not my dog, not my problem. Thats what I say. I already adopted a cat from your shit. STOP ASKING FOR MORE. You know whats a bigger problem? Children starving to death. Rampant Aids. Disgusting Water people are forced to drink. Listen I love animals, I do. But if I am truly going to contribute to a cause, lets fix the things that are wrong with ourselves first. Lets fix the children who die every day in America because they are completely neglected by their parents. Lets fix the foster care system so children no longer fall through the cracks. I am sorry, but as long as in our own country humans are being treated worse then animals, we need to fix that first. I know that this was not a funny one, but this really pisses me off. Worry about your own species first assholes.

4. When girls wear all pink and are walking tiny little dogs
Only 6 words: You're not Elle Woods. Stop It.

3. When people touch me
I hate it when people touch me. I hate cuddling, I hate kissing, I hate handshakes, high fives, fist bumps. You name it and it involves touching, I hate it. I especially hate it when people I don't know or I do know and I dislike try to hug me. I can barely stand to hug my own mother, you really think I want to hug you? No, I want to spit on your face. I also hate it when people kiss me on the forehead or cheek. Was that really necessary? Yes, mother, I am talking to you. When you hug me and put me in a death grip until I allow you to kiss me, I get a little angry. I call this pointless kissing. I hate it when boyfriends, friends, parents, or anyone else does it. You want to show me affection? Bow to me. That really proves your love. I find kissing as disgusting as a 6 year old boy does. And maybe there are a lot of similarities between me and a 6 year old boy, but that doesn't make my points any less valid.

2. When the coffee maker doesn't work
Everyone has that one thing that gets them going in the morning, maybe a shower, some coke, adderall, or what. Mine is coffee. Coffee is one of the top 3 most important substances to me. It goes: 1. Rum, 2. Beer, 3. Coffee, 4. Hair Spray, 5. Jelly. And the jelly is for exactly what you think it is for... So when I don't get my morning Coffee because some incompetent fool breaks my coffee machine I black out with rage and wake up several hours later in Tijuanna with a dead stripper and two toes missing. Where did my toes go? I kicked that fools ass so hard that my toes actually broke off in her anus. I then have to retrieve them and get them reattached. And you don't want to know the pain she feels during the retrieval process.

1. Everyone
If you are a person, a human being, or even something resembling a human being, I hate you. I hate you more than you think is humanly possible. because I am inhuman. And therefore I am capable of hating more that you could ever dream. Be so afraid.

Goosey GOose

Goose GOose Says: "Perple ern der mertro cern sterll her ernd serr errou ervern whern yer wering herderphones. Ser terk ert ferm sermern wher lerned der herd wer, perkering yer nerse ernd dern tering ter werp ert ern sermern errou jerst cerrd er 'fert bertch' ers nert erker. Sher herd errou, ern nerw derts her hernd erntering der ner fler zerne of yer ferce."

Translation: "People on the metro can still hear and see you even when you're wearing headphones. So take it from someone who learned the hard way, picking your nose and then trying to wipe it on someone you just called a 'fat bitch' is not okay. She heard you, and now that's her hand entering the no fly zone of your face."

My life long dream.....

Many of us know what its like to have a life long dream; something that is so desperately important to you that you would do absolutely anything in your power to get it. It's a beautiful vision that keeps you going through the bad days and hard times. It's what you think about before you go to bed, it's what you day dream about all afternoon. It is a driving force that helps you accomplish the things that you hold so very close and dear. A life long dream is why we live.

Everyone's dream is different, and catered exactly to you. What your dream is has so much to do with what kind of a person you are. For some it may be to find true love, for others it may be to find fortune. For many its to find true happiness.

I have finally worked up the courage to being my quest to complete my life dream and I need all my readers to contribute for me to accomplish it.




That's right! My life long dream is to take a bath in adderall! But I need your help!

GIVE ME YOUR PILLS BETCHDECK!

My version of a stuffed animal....

Mmmm smells like your making ground black people...

So apparently this cookbook in Australia included in its pasta recipe: "salt and freshly ground black people." You can read the whole story here, but the most important thing you should know is that it asked for black people.

Sounds like Hannibal Lector got a day job.

Cat Cat vs. The Evil HummingBee

It would sadden and disturb you if I told you how long it took me to make this. Especially due to the quality of the art work.

Goosey GOose

Goosey Goose says, "Derts der berst derng derbout worderking nerxt ter er berdunch derf mern? Erf erou fert, erou cern erderways berame ert ern derm."

Translation: "What's the best thing about working next to a bunch of men? If you fart, you can ALWAYS blame it on them."

This Combination will be Legend... ...wait for it... ...dary!

So apparently Jason Lewis from SATC(Jerry 'Smith' Jerrod) is going to be in a How I met your mother episode with Malin Akerman (Watchmen, 27 Dresses) and Chris Kattan (Who cares what he has done). I am so Excited about this episode!

Here is what Perez said.

Queen, Best. Band. Ever.

Sooo many people are unaware of how VERY entertaining Queen music videos can be,

below is my fave, "I want to break free" Now you can probably see where Lady Gaga Gets her weirdness from:

ZAC POSEN FOR TAR-GGEE

Ok, despite what you may think about me, I love pretty dresses. So how could I not be SOOOO Freakin Excited about the Zac Posen for Target line that is dropping April 25th.

Here is the look book

Fall in love like I just did.

How To Be Awesome: Lesson 4, Just Do It

Please don't sue me nike, its not like I have any money anyways. But Nike does have a pretty awesome slogan, "Just Do It." It's very similar to the Barney Stinson quote for today:

Look, our forefathers died for the "pursuit of happiness," okay? Not for the "sit around and wait of happiness." Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.

I feel as though this quote doesn't need a lot of elaborating, it's pretty self evident in its meaning. What this quote does need is an awesome story behind it that is not relevant at all. And here I go:

Yesterday I decided to walk to Cancun, and since I can run at the speed of light, the walk from College Park to Cancun only took .43 hours. That number is from a factual equation that I just made up in my head. Anyways, while I was in Cancun, I got to thinking, "Am I just gonna sit around Cancun and drink Margaritas for the rest of my life?" I will admit, there are worse situations, but I need to LIVE MY LIFE! So I decided the best idea would be for me to go to Siberia. I figure out there, the men will LOVE a chick with the name Anastasia. While I am in Siberia though I realize that the parkas really don't do much for my figure, so I SNOW SUIT UP, but you really can't wear stilettos in the snow. I decided to test my luck with my stilettos though, so I ended up duck taping them to a pair of tennis rackets to try and make some awesome snow shoes.

Then I went hunting and I killed a polar bear and a panda and a kangaroo with my bare hands, and since I like my meat rare I decided to just eat my feast there in my snow. BUT THEN MY SNOW SHOE BROKE. Can you believe it? Little old me stuck out in the middle of Siberia with only a polar bear, a panda, and a kangaroo to eat. Well, I used my geniousness to make a temporary shelter by combining the skins of those three animals. But then an avalanche came and trapped me in my shelter, it was awful. I was stuck there for 10 weeks before I realized that I was faster than the speed of light and I ran out of there. I ran all the way to Milan, where I was spotted on the street by Versace and she said my look was "Mountain Chic" and I would be the inspiration for her winter line.

Moral of the story: Don't go to Siberia unless you have a super power.

I'll Bag YOUR Wine

Just for the record, I created this bag THREE YEARS AGO!

I remember it like it was yesterday...

I was a young girl, new to the city of College Park, 18 years old. I found the drink prices to be appallingly high, little did I know they were insanely cheap, so I devised an ingenious scheme to get free alcohol.

Step 1, take a canvas bag and cut a small hole in one of the bottom corners.

Step 2, go to a frat party, preferable a frat that is desperate for girls, and steal a box of wine.

Step 3, open the box and take out the bag.

Step 4, place bag of wine inside of the canvas bag with the nozzle sticking out through the hole you already cut.

Step 5, place a smaller purse inside canvas bag, over top of the bag of wine.

Step 6, DRINK BITCH!

Step 7, when you are passing out in a random parking lot after drinking half the bag, you can now use the rest of your bag of wine as a pillow.


Yeah see, you don't need to pay $60 for the shit, just follow my instructions and you not only have a bag for you wine, but a pillow too!

SUCK ON THESE NUTS!

For your convenience I included below a pretty detail depiction on how to use the bag as a pillow correctly.

The Sordid Tale of Boogersnatch and Cootergrundle.

I know you have been waiting for it all day, but here is my idea for a broadway show:

An old mink coat rises up off the ground. It has just been thrown away by its owner Mrs. Tightass, because it was so old. Broken and defeated, Boogersnatch (the name of the coat) wanders through the isolated streets in the wee hours of the morning. While wandering, Boogersnatch accidentally falls into a black hole and he ends up being transported to the outter reaches of space. Boogersnatch is now aimlessly floating, with no control over his direction, when, to his surprise he reaches the end of the universe and is sucked through the wall by what appears to be a giant blow dryer.
On the other side of this wall, Boogersnatch finds a whole new world. In this parallel universe, coats wear people! Because the rules of this new universe are all crazy, Boogersnatch figures out that he is actually naked. So while he is running away from the cops who are trying to arrest him for public indecency, he runs into an adorable sable coat with fox trimmings, who was wearing a latino woman. Apparently Latinos make the best coats, followed by native americans, then black people, then white people, and so on, and at the very end are chinese people. They are too short and skinny to provide any warmth. And in the coat universe it is very cold.
Well Boogersnatch falls madly in love with Cootergrundle (the name of the sable coat with fox trimmings)while she is helping him find something to wear. However, It turns out that this new universe has ruined its environment and killed all the humans. So there are no more coats! Boogersnatch then comes up with a wonderful idea; The will all go back to the first universe and kill all the humans and make coats out of them. Boogersnatch explains that it will be really easy to kill all the humans because the coats can just smother them to death.
The coats then prepare to journey to the first universe and Boogersnatch asks Cootergrundle to marry him. She accepts and Boogersnatch tells her he is pregnant with their love baby and the two rejoice. Then all the coats go to the next universe and kill most of the humans by smothering them to death, except for a few witch they decide to keep on the farm. This whole incident turns out to be a million years ago, and the "farm" is actually the earth. And what we think is "God" is actually just Boogersnatch and Cootergrudel's love child, Snuchplasker. And when we die we all actually just end up becoming coats.


Best musical ever.

Dayman! Defeater of the Nightman! AHAA!

Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia might be the funniest show ever created. The Absolute BEST episode they have ever made is called
"The Nightman Cometh." For those who have never seen the show before, you can watch the episode and still find it very entertaining, let me just give you a run down of all the characters so you can fully enjoy it.

Charlie: I believe he is supposed to be mentally retarded. He is illiterate and he is madly in love with a character known simply as "The Waitress" to the point of obsession. She hates him however because due to his creepy stalking, kidnapping, and other inappropriate behaviors, he has destroyed her life.

Mac: He thinks that he is a super badass. He also believes that he has awesome karate skills. He doesn't.

Dennis: Sweet Dee's brother. He thinks that he is the most attractive man ever. He will sleep with anything.

Frank: Thought he was Dennis and Sweet Dee's dad, but he wasn't. The creepiest and craziest person ever. Very wealthy and loves to do weird things, like gamble with chinese men for body parts.

Sweet Dee: Wanted to be an actress but failed, Dennis' sister, Hangs out with the group of guys not because they like her or that she likes them, but because she has no other friends.

Also another interesting fact about this show is that the majority of this is unscripted and improved. So Watch the episode posted below, or click here to watch it on hulu.

How To Be Awesome: Lesson 3, Emo kids are LAME

In case you haven't picked up on this by now, I am a very preachy, very judgmental person. There are so very, very many things that I hate in this world that I don't think it would be physically possible for me to list them all. For example I hate frayed shoelaces, I hate it when people breath audibly, I hate eggs because they are the chicken equivalent of a woman's red vaginal bomb (think about it and you will hate eggs too), I hate China, I hate it when people call me Anna, I hate Kristen Stewart, I hate Drew Barrymore, I hate it when people don't bow when I enter a room, I hate people who think they are smarter than I am (Because it's just simply impossible to be more smarter than me), I hate Benjamin Franklin, and though those are only a few of the things/people I hate, I hate EMO people most of all.

The Great and Legen... ...wait for it... ...dary Barney Stinson once said:

When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be AWESOME instead. True story.

You see being sad, is a shameful act. Sad people are worthless people, Awesome people are Awesome people. Do you understand what I mean?

Let me tell you a little story about a gorgeous, intelligent, awesome little girl (*ME*):

Once upon a time, in the age of the Tyrant Madman Bush, a little girl lived in a small little hut on the edge of a giant mountain called Mount Everest. This little girl was so good at everything she did, she was even awesome at pooping, that she decided to climb Mount Everest. She climbed up and down it in one afternoon. 2 hours exactly. It would have been 1 hour in total but she had to stop to take the previously mentioned poop. I know, I know, you were wondering how someone could be awesome at pooping, well anyone is awesome at anything when you can do it on top of Mount Everest.
But, I digress. So this little girl was just getting down from the mountain when she hears about a famous boxer named Creed who wants to box against an unknown. It is a chance for a nobody to become a somebody. It is supposed to be an easy match for Creed to win, but someone forgot to tell the little girl this. And as she was training by running up a huge thing of steps somewhere in a far off land called Philly, she began to become a little frightened because she worried she might loose. But then she realized how friggin awesome she was and kicked the crap out of Creed.

You see children, Believe in your inner awesomeness and then you will be awesome.


HAhahaha, I couldn't keep a straight face through typing that last line. You can't be awesome! I am awesome! Are you like me? no. Why? Because I am writing this blog, and you are reading it. Ergo *ME*>you. So unless you start really being like me, you can't be awesome. SORRY BITCH!

I'm too sexy for these straws, too sexy for these glasses, in general, I am too sexy.

Better than Chuck Norris

Well I suppose I do have readers. You all are not in my head like so much of the way I view the world is! My friend, AND READER, Jenn asked me to draw her while she was hold her cats. Well, I must say, this is one of my best works yet:



Does anyone else have any requests? Just let me know and I will make it happen.

Cinderella me: Hot Shit.

Mormons, OH MY!

I love mormons, I love musicals. I am going to make a mormon musical! Wait - Trey Parker and Matt Stone stole my idea!

This Perez article tells you all about it.

I guess a lot of people would think of an idea as genious as "The Book of Mormon."

Now I have to brainstorm all over again to think of an idea for my musical... Don't worry I will post my brilliant idea by the end of the day.

Here is a sneak peak of me on broadway:

LET ME DRAW YOU, let me caress your body, you got me going crazy ooo, turn me up, turn me on!

You know the best thing about kickball?
I am awesome at it.
You know the best thing about life?
I am awesome at it.
You know the best thing about me?
I am awesome.
You know the best things about you?
You are slightly awesome for loving me, because I am so awesome.

Buttt, I just wanted to put up this post to let you know about my offer to draw. You tell me something you want drawn, and I will draw it. Here is an example of something I drew on paint for my friend Cat:



This piece is called: "Cat's Outta The Bag"

You want this kinda talent representing you? LET ME KNOW!

Now I am off to meet my kickball, kicking butt buddies!

HOORAH for BEER! The juice of GODS! The Most precious substance ever!

My name is mungo

I wrote the most Awesome song ever for my cat this morning. It goes like this:

Chorus:
My name is Mungo
And you just don't know
My name is Mungo
And I be sexy fo sho
My name is Mungo
And you is just a ho
My name is Mungo
And here/here/here I go

Verse 1:
I lick my paws
You like it like that
I show my claws
And you say "Look at that cat"
I make you rub me
by laying on my belly
Yeah you just love me
But I run away cuz you is smelly.

Chorus:
My name is Mungo
And you just don't know
My name is Mungo
And I be sexy fo sho
My name is Mungo
And you is just a ho
My name is Mungo
And here/here/here I go

Verse 2:
I got so much game
All the ladies really love me
especially penny lane
but the bitches bug me
Cuz I aint got no mo balls
And I wear pink hats
I also wear no draws
But hell, I'm a cat!

Chorus:
My name is Mungo
And you just don't know
My name is Mungo
And I be sexy fo sho
My name is Mungo
And you is just a ho
My name is Mungo
And here/here/here I go

Bridge:
Don't judge me
Just love me
and hug me
You so fugly

Chorus:
My name is Mungo
And you just don't know
My name is Mungo
And I be sexy fo sho
My name is Mungo
And you is just a ho
My name is Mungo
And here/here/here I go

Unidragontaur

We all know what a unicorn is, a beautiful, majestic creature. Why, I rode on one just the other day! Except halfway through the ride his horn fell off and it seemed to be made from the cardboard ring paper-towels come on. My mother told me that that was just how unicorns make babies. Their horns fall off, then you have to bury the horn, and in 2 weeks, a baby unicorn will rise out of the ground. So then we had to bury the horn because if you don't the Mama unicorn will go on a killing rampage. I once saw a Panda get killed by a unicorn, and I never want to see something like that again.

Anyways, so we all know what a unicorn is, and well all know what a centaur is. What about a unitaur? Have you ever seen one of those? Well I never have, so I began to draw this wonderful creation. But then I began to think to myself:

"When has America ever done anything in moderation? Never. So, by only combining two creatures I am being unpatriotic."

This absolutely appalled me. I hate being unpatriotic. In fact, I go out of my way to show my pride in this great country. I got the flag tatooed on my whohaw. So then I thought:

"If I am to be more patriotic I have to add more crap to this animal! But what is the animal that most embodies America? It can't be something wussy like a bird. What is the most American animal that ever existed?"

Then, it hit me:

"A DRAGON!"

So, now that you know the story, here is my picture of *ME* as a unidragontaur:

How To Be Awesome: Lesson 2, "Suit Up!"

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I had to go to compliance driver training this morning... aka: I had to take a break and do my real job.

But, I am going to start off today's posts with a BANG! How to be Awesome, Lesson 2: "Suit Up!"

The quote for this one is simply, "Suit Up!" But this short quote embodies so much of the qualities needed to be awesome. To put this most simply, "when you look awesome, people think you are awesome, and then you are much closer to being awesome." Yes, it is about the power suit, but mostly about the power. Wearing something that looks expensive makes people fear you. And we all know that fear is only a step away from love. However, though you make think the ultimate goal is love, it's not. The ultimate goal is fear.

I could make anyone love me, I am the most lovable thing you have ever seen. I put baby kittens to shame. I friggin reek of lovability. But yet, most people fear me. Love gets you small favors here and there, fear gets you grovelling. So I make people fear with three major tactics:
1. Wear a suit, suit jacket, or heels so pointy they could stab someone through the heart at all times. Even in bed.
2. Botox your face so much that you loose all ability to express emotion.
3. Spend your free time developing your calf muscles. Nothing is scarier than huge calf muscles.

I employ these three simple tactics through out my life and everyone is constantly scared of me. Ergo I get them to do whatever I want.

But! Everyone needs one thing that makes them seem soft, this is so you can use this thing to manipulate people into doing more shit for you. My one thing is my cat, Mungo. I use my love for Mungo as away to draw people back in when they become too turned off by my calf muscles.

ex:
Person: "Dude, Ana, we can't be friends anymore. I am too scared that you will sell my future children for organs in order to fund your botox injections and dalmation coats."
Me: "Awe, that's too bad! Mungy-pants, my cat, is the love of my life and I am so worried about him because he sneezed the other day. That's why I have been acting particularly mean recently. I just don't know what I would do if he died!"
Person: "Oh no! I am so sorry I said those things to you! You can have as many of my future children as you want!"

And THAT children, is why they call me Rumplestiltskin.

And now that I have completely lost my original point I am just going to do my best to sum up this entry in a few words: Suit up, botox is wonderful, get a cat, and be awesome.

And to up the Awesome Ante for this entry, here is and original rendering, by yours truly, of the Stinsinator himself:

I also love eating Dumpings

I love eating Rick

No words needed

Look at my wittle baby boo

He looks so posed, like a Sears picture.

Excuse of the Day: I drink so much because I am so goddamn smart.

So According to The Telegraph, a British newspaper, the women who drink the most are also the smartest women. You can check out the article here.

I don't think I can apropriately explain how very happy this makes me. I now have a whole new world of excuses to rely on!

"Dear Officer, I am not drunk! I am just proving how smart I am!"

Just think of it this way, with every alcoholic sip you take, you are making your chances for becoming a Nobel Lauriet higher.

I don't care how out of line my reasoning is! I just found a way to justify drinking 10 bottles of wine a week and nothing can ever take that away from me!

Shut Up

Yo, I know I can't speel but shut yo trap or I might have to give yousa beat down. I'll sic mR. T on yo asssz.

How To Be Awesome: Lesson 1, Lying

In honor of "How I Met Your Mother," I am going to be doing a series of life lessons where I take a Barney Stinson quote, and teach you "readers" (I put readers in quotes because I know I am the only one who actually reads this) a life lesson about how to be awesome.

Today's lesson is centered around the quote: "A lie is a great story ruined by the truth."

I am hesitant to call this quote "so true" due to it's subject matter, but oh, it is so true. I personally like to embellish most of my stories. For instance: instead of telling people "I don't eat pig because I don't like the taste of it," I instead tell people "I don't eat pig because once, when I was little I was at a farm and I fell in love with a pig named Betsy. After I cared for Betsy until she grew fat and happy. Then, the owners of the farm murdered her before my eyes. They slit her throat and made me watch as the blood poured from her neck." See the difference? The truth makes it so people still bother me to try and eat pork, even though I told them I don't like it. The lie makes it so no one ever bothers me about eating pork again. Hoorah! Everyone is happy.

Another lie I like to tell everyone is that I was injured in a dirt bike accident. Lets compare the truth to the lie again.
Truth: "I was straddling a dirt bike trying to learn how to work it when it fell over on me and I got surprisingly hurt from a stupid accident."
Lie: "During my time as a BMX-er, I attempted to complete the never before seen stunt called 'The SkippyMilkshakeCostaRicaBootyTwist.' It was so complex and intense that I ended up falling from 60ft in the air and crashed in a fiery explosion. I walked away surprisingly uninjured from what could have been a deadly accident."
I feel like I don't even really need to justify the lie here, its just so much more awesome.

So, in conclusion, make up as much crap as you want about your life. Most people will forget half the crap you tell them anyways, so why not entertain yourself, and your listener with a wild and insane story. There are 2 types of people that get away with lying: The person who never lies, so when they do they are immediately forgiven, and the person who lies so much that no one would believe them even if they were telling the truth. I prefer to be the latter. Yes, no one ever knows what I am talking about, but they love me anyway because it feels like they are talking to a soap opera.

Vampire Kangaroo?

So since I have just graduated college, I thought that I would pass along a little golden nugget of information that can change your life; how to make any animal look crazy.

No matter the cuteness of the particular animal you want to draw, you can make them look like they are psychotic.

step 1: Give the animal insanely big teeth. It doesn't matter if the animal has big teeth or even teeth, just give it big teeth.

step 2: Give the animal ridiculously long claws. The same rule for the teeth works with the claws: it doesn't matter if the animal has claws, just give it some. And if you want the animal to be particularly creepy, make it's claws bloody.

step 3: Give the Animal mean eyes:


Man, I feel like something is seriously judging me right now.

There you go, three easy steps to making a demented animal. Here is how I made a normally adorable Kangaroo look scary as shit:



AHHH! I'm gonna feed you to my joey! Cuz AHh I'm a Vampire KANGAROO!

Back with Avengance!

Hello to all my imaginary readers out there!

Well I have decided to spark up the old blog, but this time with a slightly different voice. Instead of just putting up a smorgesboard (I know that's spelled wrong, but who cares?) of other websites, I will be posting things that I have to say, or drawings I made, or anecdotes about me and my friends, or really whatever I like.

So, to start it all off, here is a picture of a ninja with red shoes I drew. Check out those skills!


And I will leave you with a line that I like to live my life by:

"There's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they're cheering for you. You do that, and some day they will." - Sue Sylvester