1,000,000 Things I don't understand about China

So this is my list of completely factual (and probably made up by yours truly) Chinese stuff that I don't understand.

This list includes little China (aka lil C, Memoirs of a little China, Letters from little China, The Bridge on the River little China, and Japan) as well as big China (aka Big C, Kung fu China, Mulan, Rush Hour China, or China).


10. Making 1,000 origami cranes for one freaking wish.

Alladin climbed down into a pit of sand that was shaped like a very scary tiger's mouth to get his 3 wishes. Yes, he almost died, but I still think this is easier than folding 1000 origami cranes. Not to mention much more interesting.

As an experiment, I decided to fold some cranes myself. The first one experienced technical difficulties. Think the friend or family member you have that isn't completely retarded but everyone knows isn't completely there. They probably can't even catch their own fish so you have to catch one for them and leave it in a shallow pond for them to catch. It was so easy but they managed to screw even that one up and now their beak is stuck in the mud and you don't even know how in the hell you are supposed to get them out. It's not like you have opposable thumbs, but you can't just leave them there.

The second one was much better, albeit I made it as big as possible because I thought my hungover vision might be similar to that of an elderly person's. If that was true, the logical step would be to make the crane as big as possible so that I could clearly see all the folding I was doing. I don't know how much it helped but that crane was less like the retard and more like the Forest Gump. At least he could feed himself.

Now this third one, if I do say so myself, was the most glorious paper crane ever made. When it was finished the sun shone a little brighter and the clouds actually smiled.

I don't get into these exacting details of my cranes' intelligence to bore you, no, I do this to make a point. Folding paper cranes is boring as hell and takes forever. Why in hell would you fold 1,000 of these to get one measly wish? If you had any sense at all you would go to China, find a child/slave/worker and get them to fold 1,000 of these for a peso (or whatever the hell they use in China), then tell them to pass their wish on to you for some nice dog meat.

Better plan? I think so.


9. The one dog and one child rule.

So I understand the one dog thing. Who the hell wants more than one dog? Besides, they let you keep the dog meat after they kill your extra dogs. It's not like the government is bad or anything.

I even understand the one child rule. Children are a necessary means of continuing our species. Procreating is not something anyone actually wants to do, but has to do. Now the act of procreating, well that is a different story...
But back to my point, the government is being extremely generous in China by allowing you to stop after one. It's like "Hey, good for you! Now your reward is that you don't have to deal with anymore."

What I don't understand about this rule and whole situation is that children are not like dogs, you can't just kill the extra one. So what in the hell do they do with the extra children?

Now I know what you are thinking, that you are going to go look up what they actually do to the kids and then let me know to clear my confusion. I am informing you right now that I will refuse to look at all rational arguments or facts concerning this matter. I instead will choose to believe that they take all of the extra kids and corral them into factories and sweat shops to create all of those hello kitty dolls that freak me out. Or maybe they are making 1,000 paper cranes for dog meat and pesos. I don't know these things, and I never will, but wouldn't it be more productive of the government to just kill them like they would the dogs?

Now, I am not promoting eugenics, but I do think that the people who are most likely breaking this one child law are probably idiots. I mean how hard is it to use a condom? And if they didn't know about the law in the first place, well they kinda just proved my point there. So if the parents are idiots, the kids are bound to be only a small step above down syndrome (probably just like my first crane, Eugene the mascot for eugenics) meaning there is very little point in keeping them around.

I once saw a very scientific and legitimate documentary entitled "Idocracy." The scientists Luke Wilson and Maya Rudolph traveled to the future where everyone was incredibly stupid, such as Dax Shepard. They traced the reasons behind the future stupidity back to the present day and Rednecks' inability to any form of contraception. If we do not want this future, then maybe China should just start killing all of the extra kids.


8. Hello Kitty

I dislike Hello Kitty to an extreme. I don't understand the draw behind a creepy cartoon cat that apparently likes the color pink.


7. Anime

Real people don't look like that. I actually think that the Simpson's is more realistic in their depictions of humans. Now don't get me wrong, I watch the occasional Anime show. Mostly Pokemon. And I do have a huge crush on Brock. But really? What is up with the eyes? Who the fuck has eyes like that?

And don't try to tell me there is a difference between Manga, Anime and all the other crap asians and emo Americans draw. There is absolutely no difference to me at all. And trying to convince me otherwise is akin to trying to convince me that the floor of my room is not an special shelf for my clothing and Hot Wheels or that Regan was indeed a real person. (For the record, he never existed, just like Will Smith.) Basically, don't bother.

Just know this: If I ever complete my plans to one day become the devil incarnate and incite the rapture, I will demolish all evidence that Anime and those creepy, creepy eyes ever existed. This also goes for Hello Kitty. And Paper Cranes. And anything else I so choose to demolish once I rule the world.


6. Chinese food

Call me old fashioned, but I like to know what I am eating. I grow very nervous and anxious when I am eating a meat that I can't figure out what it is. "It tastes like chicken, but has the texture of beef." It really freaks me out. And not because I am concerned about eating cat weasel or Fido, no I am so nervous because what if I am eating PORK? I am not 100% sure what pork actually tastes like so I assume every mystery meat is pork. And it disgusts me. In America, even if the food isn't labeled, you always know what sort of meat you are eating. In China, or the picture I have in my head of China, there are mystery meats everywhere. It's like the twilight zone of meat.

5. Water Skiing to China from Japan

If you go to this magical website called "Google Maps" the wizard inside will tell you the most direct route on which to travel while undergoing your quest. This wizard, or warlock - which ever term you feel the most comfortable using - is an all knowing being and is the wisest witch in all the land.

I do not understand the mockery that is made of the warlock about his directions from Japan to China. These directions tell you that the best route includes step 42 "Jet Ski across the Pacific Ocean." Why is this so funny when Jet skiing is clearly the best route.
1. Jet ski's are the most awesomely fun way to travel. I jet ski everywhere. I even jet skied to work this morning.
2. Jet ski's are awesome
3. Jet ski's are fun
4. Jet ski's are a way to travel

Do you understand the infallible logic here? Obviously the wizard is enhancing your journey. Not only are you getting there the quickest way, but not the most fun way as well. So next time you want to travel from mini China to big China, jet ski.

(the above piece is in no way derived from my stock in Wave Runner. Which is about to go way up.)


27. Their story about the sun.

Once upon a time there was a thousand suns and it was super hot and shit so this warrior dude took out some arrows and shot down all but one sun. The end.

Who did so much fecking opium that they came up with this god awful explanation for absolutely nothing?
What was the point behind creating this story? It only shows the culture's complete lack of understanding of physics or any science ever. I thought Asians were supposed to be good at math and science.
Where was the logic behind telling this to children? You should only tell this story to your children if you are using it as a way to scare them into being good by threatening them with that warrior. Or threatening them with a thousand suns because that would be the end of the world.
When was the time period in which this seemed like a logical and reasonable explanation for the sun being in the sky? I don't think I have heard a worse explanation.
Why? No elaboration needed. Just: Why?

69. Kim Jong Ill

No one try to tell me that he isn't Chinese. I know that. My issue here is his recent travels to China. As a supposed friend of America, China should not be consorting with this crazy man. Or at the very least they should be candid and open about their activities when they are concerning this mad man. How and why was he able to travel undetected through China? The have their hand in every cookie jar from the great wall to some other place in China. The government obviously knew about his travels, not to mention high up officials actually met with the man. And only belatedly told the US.

I don't care how Ronery Kim Jong Ill is, he should not be allowed to freely roam.


2. Hong Kong

You are an awesome city. Super cool. Why did you go back to China? Why? You took mega hits in your awesomeness.


And the thing that makes the least sense to me (drum roll please) is:

1,000,000. Fortune Cookies

How do they get the fortunes into the cookies? How? Is it magic? Some sort of super advanced technology I don't know about? You couldn't bake the cookies with the fortune in it! The paper would burn or something. Probably. There are so many holes in this story. Damnit! How the feck do you get the fortunes in the cookie?!?! HOW!?!



I hope you enjoyed my completely accurate list. No reason to look up any of the information I gave you. It is completely correct. I do have to list things I like about China though:

Mulan, enough said.
The year of the snake, my birth year. Obviously I would be born in such a badass year.
Technology. I know you invented all of it, so thank you.

That's about it.

Literally

Alright guys, I am coming out of retirement for this post because this annoys me so very much that I cannot stay quiet anymore.

Literally.

Why is it that when people actually mean "truly" or some synonym of that, they say "literally." I believe that about 89% of the time that people say "literally" they are actaully talking quite figuratively. I just heard someone in my office say "there was smoke coming out of my ears, literally."

Really? Was there really smoke coming out of your ears? Because if there was then I think you should have probably seen a doctor. The much more likely scenario is that there was smoke coming out of your ears figuratively.

Let's go back to 2nd grade for a moment:
The word "litereally" is a describing word, that means it is a word you use to DESCRIBE! It is not an emphasizing word like "very," and therefore it should not be used in that manner.

And yes, I understand that this entry might be extremely hypocritical in the sense that I probably break grammatical rules constantly. However, I am awesome, so do as I say and not as I do and I say only use the word "literally" if you know how to use it correctly.

Thank you very much and have a nice day.

This is some good shit, 100% columbian

Lately I have been on a diet, trying to loose about 35-40 lbs as fast as humanly possible. This means as little calories as possible and lots and lots of excercise. Problem = no calories no energy to excercise.

However, I think I have found my magic diet drink: Iced Coffee. No not the crap from starbucks or Dunkin' Doughnuts, there is nothing in my coffee, except coffee and splenda. The great thing about it is, it curbs my appetite, it has less than 5 calories a cup, and it gives me plenty of energy. The bad thing about it is, I have become completely dependent on it, like a crack addict feinding for crack, and I have insomnia.

I didn't mind the dependence or the insomnia at first, it just meant more coffee and more time to do stuff, but what I do mind very much is how many cups I am drinking a day. Right now it is 11:31AM and I have already had 4 cups. I have only been awake for 4 hours. That means about a cup an hour, which isn't that bad until I realize that throughout the work day I end up having around 8 or 9 cups of coffee.

After 6PM I always cut my self off or I won't be able to sleep at all, but that leaves about 9 hours filled with coffee.

I honestly think that I have an addiction. I mean I try to stop, but I can't. About an hour after I stop drinking it I start getting jittery. About two hours after I stop drinking I get weird nervous butterflies in my stomach. About three hours after I stop drinking I just cant stop thinking about where I am going to get my next fix. About four hours after I stop drinkin I go and stand in front of my fridgerator, just staring at the big pot of coffee I have inside, thinking about whether or not I should have some.

I just read that last paragraph over and I think that I have honestly lost it. If you didn't know I was talking about coffee, it would honestly sound like I was talking about some sort of drug.

Do they have rehab for coffee? I think I might need a coffee intervention soon.

Well I have to go now, I want to get some more coffee.

Quarter Life Crisis

Lately I have been freaking out about my life. I have realized that I can no longer continue with this sould sucking job and be a sane person. I sit all alone all day long, completely devoid of human contact while working on projects that I for the most part don't understand.

Yes, I understand that I am lucky I have a job in this economy. But honestly, I would be happier being a waitress or hostess. This is why I have decided I need to join the PeaceCorps. Thats right, I NEED to join it.

I need a life of adventure and since most cops are jerks and the military puts women in desk jobs, the PeaceCorps feels like it is my only option. I want to get dropped off in the middle of the jungle somewhere. I want to live for two years in a place with no technology. I want to have to struggle to live in the elements. I need this.

I am having a quarter-life crisis. I am freaking out about my future. I never wanted a desk job, and I will never be happy working in one for the rest of my life.

This whole thing has made me realize how lucky I am that none of my relationships have ever worked out. Not only that but every guy I have ever dated has become extremely unredateable after we have broken up (Aaron = weird neo-nazi man with a shaved head, Eric = complete loser who didn't get a job). Because of this I can go and just completely change my life style without anyone holding me back. I am independant and that is about the biggest confidence booster I can think of.

So if this PeaceCorps thing doesn't work out because I don't get in or something I really don't know what I will do. I am thinking I will apply for long term volunteering for Habitat for Humanity which is kind of similar. And if I don't get into that? I guess I keep applying to similar programs until someone takes me.

If I am persistant enough I will eventually get in somewhere.

I'm Ana Boat

In case you didn't know, my first name is Ana. This is pronounced like "On A." Because of this, I have decided it is my life's mission to find and marry a man with an awesome last name. This way my name can be hilarious. Below are a few possible names, please feel free to suggest any.





1. Ana Boat (believe it or not, this is not my actual last name)





2. Ana Dong





3. Ana Whim





4. Ana Budget





5. Ana Bicycle/ Ana Bike





6. Ana Cloud





7. Ana Clearday





8. Ana Top





9. Ana Shoestring





10. Ana Prayer





If you meet a man with any of the following last names, please send him my way. Especially if his last name is Boat. Thats my favorite one.

If I were homeless...

So I know that in these pressing times many people sit and think about what they would do if they were suddenly to have less money. If I were to suddenly have less money it would mean that I would be forced to become homeless because I barely make enough to live in an apartment right now.

Here is my plans if I became homeless:

I would ask my parents to give me my car again. I would then live out of this car. For food I would get one of those adapters that plugs in to your cigarette lighter and then has a regular looking power outlet on the other end. I would then plug a hot plate into this and proceed to use the hot plate to heat up my food, aka cans of soup. And not the expensive kind, just the regular old campbells.

OR this kind:

I would park my car overnight by bars in different areas so that cops would not bother me while I was sleeping. No one would assume I was homeless, instead they would assume that I was trying to sleep my drunkeness off. During the day I would keep my car in various neighborhoods for free parking.

I would join a gym, but a cheap one like the YMCA, but this is only if the place where I worked didn't have one. My thought on this is that people are not really weirded out if you spend upwards of 5 hours a day at a gym, they think you just really like to work out. You can also use said gym to shower and you can rifle through the lost and found. Most gyms have things like blow dryers and hairspray set out too so you wouldn't need to waste money on those items. A gym also has t.v.s to watch your faveorite programming. Plus a gym is considerably less expensive than an apartment.

Also, you can work on getting a hot bod at that gym which would help with my next plan.

I would be a huge whore if I was homeless. I wouldn't sleep with a whole bunch of men, but I sure would go home with just about anyone, just so I could have the chance to sleep in a real bed. Hey! He might even take me out to breakfast the next morning and free food! Yay!

I would still try to have an office job, and so I would still have an income of sorts. This style of living I have laid out is not for having absolutely no $$, but for having less than $500 a month.

Or, I could just move back in with my parents. But they don't have HBO.

A whole world of crazy.

I feel like this just cant be me, but why does it seem like most bosses are the biggest idiots. I just wonder how they got in such positions of power when it seems like they have no idea what they are doing. ever.

I don't understand how one boss in particular could have such an incredible lack of understanding about technology that he can barely send emails when we live in such a technology oriented world.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people type on the keyboard like their fingers are chickens pecking for corn on the ground. You know exactly what I am talking about.

Its not the 80's anymore you either need to adapt or retire.

I hate Old Farts. I solemly swear that when I am that old, I will never let myself get out of touch with the new inventions and such. I will never be borderline senile and annoy the shit out of my employees.

Well on the brightside, he is fun to make fun of.

Now that I am finally working, I have found a whole new appreciation for TV shows like "The Office" because they are actually pretty realistic. I feel like Jim surrounded by a whole world of crazy, only without a cute receptionist to flirt with. Why aren't there more male receptionists?

Crap I want to do before I turn 30.

Feel free to add ideas and what not. I have eight and a half years to do this crap but some of these are very intense so I have to get started. I want to accomplish one of these this week. I will probably go with "Eat a completely raw steak" because that seems the most tangible right now. That or get a massage.

1. Run a marathon.

2. Visit the 7 Wonders of the World (and the Pyramids of Giza)

a. Christ the Redeemer Statue in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

b. The Great Wall of China (yes - I will actually visit China, no - I will not bring my cat.)

c. The Colosseum, Rome, Italy

d. Petra, Jordan

e. Machu Picchu, Peru

f. Chichen Itza, Mexico - DONE!

g. Taj Mahal, India

h. The Great Pyramids of GIza, Egypt

3. See Greek Ruins

4. Sky Dive

5. Live outside of MD/DC/VA

6. Learn how to Tango

7. Go on a cross-country road trip with friends

8. Visit a Castle

9. Write a book

10. Go to the Louvre

11. Go hunting

12. Climb a big-ass mountain

13. Live at sea for a month or longer

14. Get a professional massage

15. Meet and marry the love of my life

16. Adopt a child

17. Drive a race car

18. Experience Mardi Gras

19. Make-out with a celebrity

20. Go skiing

21. Learn how to shoot a gun

22. Save somebody's life

23. Own a house/property

24. Get a mustache tattooed on my finger

25. Be on a gameshow

26. Drive a motorcycle

27. Do something that terrifies me (I haven't figured out what this is yet.)

28. Eat a completely raw steak

29. Throw the first pitch at an MLB game

30. Learn to fly a plane.

I am a Chola. Or at least more Chola than Miley.

Part I

Somewhere, out in space, the farthest space from Planet U.S.A. (that's what I like to call "Earth"), there was this pretty cool little planet that was a lot like Planet U.S.A., except for one thing, everyone there had Powers. There were actually two kinds of Powers that you could be born with, you either had Magical Powers or Super Powers.

Magical Powers were powers that involved doing crap like levetation, turning crap into other crap, turning yourself into an animal, living for longer, reading peoples mind, etc. Basically Magical Powers were the kind of powers that people think witches and werewolves and other magical creatures have. Get it?

Super Powers were the kind of powers that superheroes have. You know, superstrength, flying, x-ray vision, superspeed, superreflexes. This is not a hard concept to understand. So, if you don't get it, stop trying.

I bet you think I am going to say that the two groups hated each other. Nope. They actually got along really well. This isn't going to be a Romeo and Juliet kind of story here, although there was a boy and a girl and they loved each other. The boy, Valiant, had Magical Powers, and the girl, Jubilee, had Super Powers.

They grew up together and were good old pals. And they loved each other very much. Not romantically, but the kind of love that is built on respect, trust, and acceptence of another person. Not the kind of love that is built on lust. They loved each other deeply, but for who each other were. See? Not Romeo and Juliet. Especially because their friendship was not only accepted by everyone else, but encouraged.

What makes these two special (besides their obvious special powers), what makes up the plot of this little diddy, is that eventually the two decided to get married. And when they had a child, it was the first child in the history of that Planet to have both Super Powers and Magical Powers. This child's name was John. His parents were not very creative. No one called him John though. Everyone called him Buster. He always hated both John and Buster as names though and instead secretly always wanted to be called Cobra because it sounded so badass. But I digress.

So Buster was pretty special, the only thing was that his 'rents were so worried about creepy, white haired scientists taking over the kid who had both powers, that they never let him do shet.

You see, usually when a person with Magical Powers and a person with Super Powers had kids, the kid would only get one set of Powers. It was pretty much a toss up about which set he would get, but no one ever got both. Sometimes the kids would get no Powers, but those kids were always really sick anyways so they usually died out before they turned 5.

Buster's parents, Valiant and Jubilee, told everyone that Buster happened to be one of those kids that had no Powers and that he was all sick and you know what so he had to be kept home and watched over. Buster became this planet's version of a bubble boy. And he lived out his life fine because even though his parents kept him secluded, they loved him, and yadda yadda yadda you know all about that sappy bullshit, I don't have to write it down. And people stopped caring what happend to Buster because they thought he didn't have any Powers, so when he lived to be older than most, no one really noticed.

On Buster's 18th birthday he got all pissy at his parents because he pretty much wanted to get laid and they never even let him meet another girl. So he tells his parents that they have to let him go or he was going to break free. They tell him no, and he gets so angry that he pretty much explodes with energy and burns his house down. Then when his parents are still in awe of Buster's power and whatnot, Buster makes a break for it and runs away.

End of Part I, look for Part II very soon.

Sunburnt.

I am sunburnt. It hurts as though Zeus himself was throwing thousands of mid-size lightening bolts towards me. Every slight movement feels as though a hundred of these previously described midsize lightening bolts was piercing through my skin. They penetrate my outershell, my membraine which before seems completely unpenetrable. I am no castle, but a woman. Who knew a lack of sunscreen would bring on new views of mortality and weakness.

Yes, if there were such things as vampires, I would change myself.

I would never have to worry about sunscreen again.

A-town down

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I have been actually working at this thing I do called a job. And at night I have been preoccupied with reading every single Sookie Stackhouse novel before this season's premier of True Blood (so freaking excited). Yes, I know I get a little obsessed with T.V., but I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with watching every season of a T.V. show in one sitting. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Well the point of this entry was to let you know what for a little while I will not have the time to post. My pregger boss just went out on maternity leave and my boss's boss's secretary (I realize this is confusing) has her last day on Wednesday. So pretty much I am assuming both of their responsibilities and it's a little overwhelming.

And while my boss hasn't had her baby yet, she has stopped coming into the office to work. I was thoroughly disappointed when I realized that I would not engage in the heroic act of racing her to the hospital when she went into labor during work. I thought if I did something especially honorable or brave she might even name her baby after me. Ana if it is a girl and Stan if it is a boy. Or Bernie would work if it was a boy too (When I was still in my mom they thought I was a dude and so my parents were going to name me Bernie. When I came out, SURPRISE, all woman!). I realize this is a little Michael Scott-esque, but he was a relatively successful person so I don't seen any reason not to emulate him.

And don't try and tell me that Michael Scott isn't a real person. Have you seen "The Office," it's obviously a documentary.

Anyways, I will try to post again as soon as I can (ASAIC, just doesn't have the same ring to it that ASAP does), but I can't make any promises.

Peace, Love, A-town down.

My Wedding

It has recently come to my attention that my friends and I are closing in on the marrying age. And while I find the idea of being married anytime in the near future absolutely repulsive, I have begun to make a few preparations for the big day.

I am not talking about crazy stuff here, I am simply talking about planning the ceremony, which will be centered around yours truly.

Even though I am not even close to finding a guy to marry, I have planned out the part where normal people would be walking down the aisle. Since most of you who are my readers will be a part of the ceremony in some way I will inform you how it is going to go down.

First of all my wedding will be on a boat, even if it is a garbage boat, it must be on a boat.
Second of all the ceremony will not be at an altar, or a church, it will be on a stage. Proscenium arch and all.

It will begin with my bridesmaids, dressed as in the picture below:

Yeah, you should thank me, because you all will be looking FIERCE!
They will begin by dancing down the aisles with the grooms men, who will just wear normal tuxedos, to the song "Moondance" by Van Morrison. Don't worry, I already have it choreographed.

They will reach the stage just about the time the song ends, and FLASH! Pyrotechnics go off - but wait - glitter rain downs from the ceiling a la Moulin Rouge style as I make my entrance slowly descending from the ceiling in a giant birdcage. I begin to sing "Somebody to Love" by Queen, the whole time I remain in the birdcage. I cannot reveal my wedding dress at this time. That will remain a surprise.

Once the song is over, my husband rises up out of the ground, releases me from the birdcage, and then we begin to sing a spunky duet of "Baby, I know it's true" by Hellogoodbye.

Next A priest swings in via Tarzan Rope, and wait, it's my brother (he happens to be ordained) and he reads us the vows. Instead of answering the traditional way, my husband and I reply by singing "I Do" by 98 Degrees.

You thought it was the last song, you thought it was over, no no no. Next thing you know you are surrounded by a Chorus of black gospel singers who join those in the wedding party for a very soulful rendition of "I'm on a Boat" by The Lonely Island.

The Pyrotechnics go off again and everyone who was previously singing is gone. It's now time for the reception. Just wait to see what I have in store for that.

Mother: you might want to skip over this one.

The best songs to hook up to, and the circumstance in which they should be used.

Hella Good - No Doubt
Why: This beat is just incredibly sexual.
When to use: When you just can't control yourself anymore.

Remix to Ignition - R. Kelly
Why: Because this song makes hooking up feel like the easiest thing to do in the world.
When to use: When you feel like a super pimp.

Pomp and Circumstance - Sir Edward Elger
Why: You just graduated to Man hood
When to use: When you are hooking up for the first time, or when you are with a Cougar/Silver fox.

Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden
Why: It's one of the greatest love ballads of the 90's
When to use: When you want a loving, slow, and beautiful hook up.

Every Breath You Take - The Police
Why: I am not even going to explain this one.
When to use: When you want to have an 80's hook-up.

I'm A Slave For You - Britney Spears
Why: This is one of the sexiest music videos ever made.
When to use: When you want to be just a little bit of a slut.

Bad Things - Jace Everett
Why: It's the theme song for one the of sexiest T.V. shows of all time, True Blood.
When to use: When you are feeling a little bit country.

Girl I Want to Make You Sweat - UB40
Why: Although when I first heard this song I thought it was about rape, after really examining the lyrics I realized that it is about pleasure.
When to use: When you are on a cruise boat or just feeling very island-y(yes, I just made a new word).

The worst songs to hook-up to, but you know that you have to try it once anyway.
Maybe it's just me, but whenever I tell myself, or someone else tells me something that I shouldn't be doing, I immediately want to do it. So I am going to list out the songs you should never hook up to, and then I am going to do it. I will most definitely post the outcome on here later.

Jizz in My Pants - The Lonely Island
Nothing is more sexy than premature ejaculation.

Any Snow Patrol Song
I do love Snow Patrol, but all of their songs are just way too depressing. It would ruin the mood right away.

I Dreamed a Dream - Les Miserables
A woman on her death bed talking about how a man slept with her and then ditched her is a sure fire way to get a girl in bed.

Memory - Cats
Singing about how I used to be a lot prettier really gets me going.

Hakuna Matata - Lion King
Whenever I am making out I like to think of precious moments from my childhood.

Not Big - Lily Allen
I think the title is pretty much all the explanation needed.



***I will post videos of all of the songs shortly***

When I am famous I am totally going to do this

HYSTERICAL!

How did I only find out about this today? Hilarious!

You can read the whole article at the Huffington post. Soo Gnarley, and incredibly funny.

Hunky actor Channing Tatum talks about his penis in the new issue of Details, specifically the on-set accident that burned it quite badly last fall.

Filming "The Eagle of the Ninth" in Scotland, Tatum had to wade into freezing water in a wetsuit.
He explained:

"The only way to keep warm was by pouring a mix of boiling water and river water down your suit. We were finally done shooting for the day, and one of the crew guys asks if I want to warm up before I go. I'm like, Nah, I'm good. And then I thought, Why not? Thing is, he'd forgotten to dilute the kettle water. So he poured scalding water down my suit. And I was trying to pull the suit away from my body to somehow get away from the boiling water, and the more I pulled the suit away, the lower the water went. It just went straight down and pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick."

He was rushed to a hospital, put on morphine and eventually healed. But Tatum, best known perhaps for his lead role in "G.I. Joe," saved pictures of the damage and showed them off to the interviewer.

Channing Tatum's penis is gross. It looks like a hot dog that's been left too long on the grill. The tip is hot-pink, singed, and shriveled. It appears angry. And it's painful to view. My penis hurts just from looking at it. Movie stars tend to be vain, by nature and profession, but Chan--that's what everyone calls him--does not mind one bit showing me his sad, withered wiener.

"It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life," he says, flipping through photos on his iPhone until he lands on a grainy snapshot of a scorched member. His scorched member. "I'm good . . . now," he says with a grin. "Now my penis is fantastic! One hundred percent recovered. Put me back in the game, Coach."


WONDERFUL!

Don't mess with Ana

So in the mornings I always struggle with watery eyes. Only it doesn't look like watery eyes, it looks like I am crying. I DO NOT CRY. I DO NOT CRY. Just so we are all clear here: I DO NOT CRY.

Friends, I ask you? When have you ever seen me cry? Never? That's right! Because, I DO NOT CRY. Maybe I will get a little teary-eyed when I am watching a particularly sad movie, like Bolt, but I DO NOT CRY over stuff that happens in my own life.

Crying makes you weak and inferior. You are exposing your weak side, and you no longer have an edge.

Now don't get me wrong, I can fake cry on command, or at least I used to be able to. I haven't needed to use that manipulation tactic in years. But it is a good one to get out of moving violations.

Earlier today while waiting for the metro I began to wipe my eyes because the were watering and a man came up to me and asked me why I was crying. I was truly offended. I don't think someone has said something that offensive to me in years. I became so incredibly infuriated that I froze like a deer in the headlights. I couldn't think of anything to say, but rage was bubbling up inside me and I became my very own Mt. Vesuvius. I didn't know what my next move was going to be but I knew I had to seek revenge for this humiliation.

As he was staring at me, waiting for a response, a train pulls up to the plat form. Here is my chance. I allow him to stand in front of me as we are waiting for the doors to open, carefully I am planning my attack. Then, just as the doors open, I assert my dominance all over his stupid face by running past him, stepping on his toe, and taking the last seat.

Wooo, I showed that betch. Don't mess with Ana.

I run this shet, should be called OkAna

So even though I am so freaking awesome I have absolutely no trouble finding men. However, I did sign up for this dating website called okcupid.com mostly because it is free and I like to laugh at some of the men on there.

And this guy has to have one of the weirdest profiles on the entire website:

I am sad-eyed, soft-furred, and highly snuggable.

My Self-Summary

yeaah, i know i'm adorable and practically irresistible .. but we are here for that tall fella at the other end of the leash, my loyal master ..

what can i tell you about him? he's dependable, witty, affectionate, and has a ready sense of humor, especially when it comes to picking on me (sigh) but hey the guy is fun and spontaneous to hang out with so i don't mind him keeping me on my toes with his child-like antics ..

he tends to favor azure but off-beat vacation spots like the -hotelito escondido- in the -pacific coast- of -mexico- but also likes to kick back and relax at home

what else .. master r. is quite into nature (yeahhhh - that means long walks by the river where i can run wild!), music, theaters and the arts, films and literatures (sigh) ..

he prefers organic and simply prepared dishes such as those
at -makoto-, -buck fishing & camping- and -black salt- but also gets the craving sometime for a messy half-smoke at -ben chili bowl- .. of course, i'm only happy when he brings home a doggy bag of bone-in morsels ..

master r. is also quite active and athletic (running, swimming, yoga, kayaking and is in a indoor soccer league) .. he likes to get up too early and go for a brisk run and workout before i and my sidekick -sky- take him on our walks ..

he then put on his -clark kent- get-up as a -it- technologist and disappears until sundown (sigh)..

why am i doing this for him? well, he was with someone for quite a few dog years but has beensingle for almost a year ..

now that springtime is here and he is ready once again to frolic in the grasses, go chase a stick and roll in the mud, so to speak .. i'd like to hook him up with a gal who:

1) likes me a lot and believes in treats
:-) :-) :-) (tail waggin')

2) has a good sense of humor and is open-minded, culturally adventurous, personable and prefer indigenous cultures, secluded beaches and independent excursions over tours and all-inclusive resorts

3) has her own things going in life and is self-assured and happy within ..

he believes that a relationship is sustained in the long run by treating the other always with fairness and understanding through open, no-fault communication

so long for now young ladies and may your water bowl runneth over, your spirit unleashed, andyour bed pad warm and toasty ..

yours, Blue the dog

On a typical Friday night I am

waltz dancing to "Blue Danube" with my wide-eyed damsels, Blue & Sky

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here

is that I like it when you bite

You should message me if

~ if you believe, as i do , that sometime the wonders of life, the magical tickets to all its best rides, are found inside a hurrily trampled over unmarked envelope on the sidewalk of life, addressed to the one who picks it up ~



This guy then proceeded to ask me to go sake bombing with him on friday. I said no but he has been non stop messaging me.

I purposely made my profile as RIDICULOUS as possible, and for some god knows why reason I think it is making men MORE attracted to me.

Here is my profile:

I am avant-garde, specialinagoodway, and awesome.

My Self-Summary

I am a 21 year old recent college graduate who works in D.C.
D.C. chillin
P.G. chillin
My name's Ana and I came to get it.

I’m really good at

Its hard for me to single things out here because in general, I am just so freakin awesome that I am perfect at everything. I am especially talented at playing the bagpipes.

The first things people usually notice about me

How fly I am. And my face. But how could you not notice someone's face?

The six things I could never do without

Air.
Water.
Earth.
Livable Temperatures.
Nourishment.
Some place to use the bathroom.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Salt. I really, really, really, really, really like salt.

On a typical Friday night I am

Hopefully sake bombing. Sake bombing is one of my all time favorite things to do. So hopefully at any given time I am sake bombing. So most Friday nights I sake bomb then my friends and I hit the town. And by hitting the town I mean we get a little inebriated and then we begin to yell, throw and do the most inappropriate things we can think of. (I would have been grammatically correct here, but "of which we can think" sounds way to classy when I am talking about being drunk.)

You should message me if

You are not easily offended.




Yes, I did mention using the bathroom in my profile, and Yes, I have been asked on several dates so far. Even though I told every one that I really only ever thought about Salt. Either these men have excellent senses of humor, or they are the weirdest people ever.

Oh and here is like the best part!

You are supposed to post a Journal Entry about what your dating experiences have been in the past and here is mine:

Let's get down to Business...

May 18

To defeat the Huns
Did they send me daughters
When I asked for sons?
You're the saddest bunch
I ever met
But you can bet
Before we're through
Mister, I'll make a man
out of you

Tranquil as a forest
But on fire within
Once you find your center
you are sure to win
You're a spineless, pale
pathetic lot
And you haven't got a clue
Somehow I'll make a man
out of you

I'm never gonna catch
my breath
Say good-bye to those
who knew me
Boy, was I a fool in school
for cutting gym
This guy's got 'em
scared to death
Hope he doesn't see
right through me
Now I really wish that I
knew how to swim

(Be a man)
We must be swift as
the coursing river
(Be a man)
With all the force
of a great typhoon
(Be a man)
With all the strength
of a raging fire
Mysterious as the
dark side of the moon

Time is racing toward us
till the Huns arrive
Heed my every order
and you might survive
You're unsuited for
the rage of war
So pack up, go home
you're through
How could I make a man
out of you?

(Be a man)
We must be swift as
the coursing river
(Be a man)
With all the force
of a great typhoon
(Be a man)
With all the strength
of a raging fire
Mysterious as the
dark side of the moon

(Be a man)
We must be swift as
the Coursing river
(Be a man)
With all the force
of a great typhoon
(Be a man)
With all the strength
of a raging fire
Mysterious as the
dark side of the moon

Somehow this profile of mine has generated so much buzz that Okcupid felt the need to message me about creating higher standards for the men that I was willing to talk to. Admittedly, I had no standards because it all began as a joke profile. But now I think I might seriously take a look into all of this.

One of the guys who messaged me was a cute doctor who was doing his residency at Johns Hopkins. If he asks me on a date, how could I say no to that?

Wish me luck, my dear readers and Let me know what you think of all this. I suggest you go on there for yourself. It's very entertaining.

I think I will begin weekly postings of the random profiles I come across. Its too good not to feature on here.

I think its a huge accomplishment when I manage not to accomplish anything

So far these past couple of weeks have been out of control busy for me. So that's why my blog is slacking. But, lucky for you, my good old friend Jenn has started her own blog! So if you wanna read some funny shet, but not as funny as my shet you can go there!

And BTW, I have not received any picture requests in a while. Help a girl out here.

I am working on a very special picture as a graduation present for my friends that will be posted on here later today. Be excited. Very excited.

Damnit! I guess Ella Lynne is out the window.

According to this article, Sookie is the 14th most used baby name for girls. Are you freaking kidding me? What the hell is wrong with people! Why in the world are you naming your CHILDREN, not your pets or stuffed animals, but your CHILDREN after a fictional character in a t.v. show. And it's not even a normal name, it's a super weird name to begin with.

Not to mention apparently you all have ruined the girls name I have had picked out for years, Ella. I can't name my child something normal. My child has to be named something weird like me.

You know what? NO MORE BABY TALK. It is making me a little, actually, very nauseous.

Ok we are allowed to talk about the weirdest baby names ever. I have done some googling and found the weirdest names.

4real Superman Wheaton

4real Superman Wheaton was born in February 2008. The New Zealand court has taken issue with his name because numerals are not allowed in names. The parents, however, are debating this law. If they cannot name him 4real, they will make his name "Superman," officially, but friends and family will call him "4real." They were inspired when they saw the baby for the first time under the ultra-sound and discovered he was "for real!"^[1]

GoldenPalaceDotCom Silverman

GoldenPalaceDotCom Silverman is a $15,000 name. The Internet casino GoldenPalace.com bought the name on eBay from expecting parents, and got more than it paid for in media attention. The branded baby was born in May, 2005. Actually, the little guy was not the first GoldenPalaceDotCom, a mother of five, Terri Illigan, sold her naming rights for $15,199, and changed her name to GoldenPalace.com, as well.^[1]

Savior God Scientist Allah

Savior God Scientist Allah was the name of a 16-month old Michigan boy. Unfortunately, he died after falling from a seventh story window on April 20, 2006.^[1]

Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappa

Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappa is the youngest child of Frank Zappa. Her siblings are Moon Unit Zappa, Dweezil Zappa and Ahmet Zappa. Apparently, she was screaming louder than any other baby in the nursery, and that's how she got the name "Diva." And I suppose "thin muffins" make you scream, too. ^[1]

Espn Malachi McCall

Espn Malachi McCall (pronounced "Espen"), born in August 2001, is the youngest of three children in the world known to be named ESPN. Like Espn Curiel in Corpus Christi, and Espn Blondeel in Michigan, McCall's parents are sports fans. His middle name means a biblical messenger of God, so they sometimes call him "the sports messenger." If they have another son, they will name him Fox Sports McCall.^[1] y mama ween

Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K.

Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K., pronounced, "Your Highness," was born in February of 2003 to Evelyn and Kendall. This name is (in case you missed it) a reference to the illicit drug ketamine. ^[1]

Lleieusszuieusszesszes Willihiminizisteizzi Hurrizzissteizzi

Lleieusszuieusszesszes Willihiminizisteizzi Hurrizzissteizzi was a resident of Los Angeles; appears in Robert Ripley's second Believe It or Not! (1948).^[1]

Dick Assman

Dick Assman is a Canadian service station owner. His name propelled him to international celebrity status in 1995, after David Letterman discovered him. On the show, Joe Namath declared himself an "Ass-maniac" and Tony Orlando performed a musical tribute. Afterwards, Assman received a number of contracts for commercial appearances, as well as many marriage proposals. Who doesn't want to be Mrs. Assman?^[1]

Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116

Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 (pronounced Albin) was a name given to a child by the parents of a Swedish family, which they described as "a pregnant, expressionistic development that we see as an artistic creation." The name was rejected by a Swedish court and they were charged a fine. The child’s name was later changed to A (also pronounced Albin), but this too was rejected. On his first passport, the boy's name reads "Icke namngivet gossebarn," meaning "unnamed little boy."^[1]

@

@ was the name that a Chinese couple attempted to give their child in August 2007. Li Yuming, the deputy chief of the State Language Commission, did not say if officials accepted the name. The Chinese, though familiar with the @ symbol, often use the English "at" to sound it out. With a drawn out "T" is sounds something like "ai ta," or "love him," in Mandarin.

found these names here

Here are some great Celebrity Names:

#20.

Kal-El

Child Of: Nicolas Cage

Fun Fact No. 1: Nic Cage likes comics.
Fun Fact No. 2: Nic changed his last name from Coppola to Cage in honor of Marvel character Luke Cage.
Fun Fact No. 3: He named his kid Kal-El after Superman.
Fun Fact No. 4: Why didn't he name his kid Luke?

#19.

Pilot Inspektor

Child Of: Jason Lee

Jason Lee is a pretty funny dude. Maybe, you've seen a Kevin Smith movie or the first season of My Name Is Earl. Maybe, sometimes he should stop trying to be so funny, like when he named his kid "Pilot."

Why "Pilot?" Because he heard a song by the band Grandaddy (called "He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot"). If the man had just waited for eight more tracks on the same album he could have named him E. Knievel Interlude which is equally ridiculous, but in a far more awesome way.

#18.

Fifi Trixibelle

Child Of: Bob Geldof and Paula Yates

The Irish singer and songwriter Geldof named his daughter Fifi after his aunt, and his wife was fascinated with the lifestyles of southern belles, hence the last part. But Trixi?

God knows where that came from. Maybe, they just decided to throw in as many dog names as they could.

#17.

Apple

Child Of: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris "You Know How I Know You're Gay? You Like Coldplay" Martin

At first, we assumed the naming process went a little bit like that time Newton invented gravity. You know, he was eating an apple or something. We never paid attention in History. Anyway, Gwyneth explained the name on an episode of Oprah back in August of 2004. Her exact words were:

"Right, well, um, basically it was because when we were first pregnant, her daddy said, if it's, basically one day he just said if it's a girl I think her name should be Apple. And I just, it sounded so sweet, and it conjures such a lovely picture for me, you know apples are so sweet and they're wholesome, and it's biblical and it's just, they're so, and I just thought it sounded so lovely and ..."

Obviously, Gwyneth has no clue why she named her kid Apple, either.

#16.

Coco

Child Of: Courteney Cox and David Arquette

According to Wikipedia, the most trusted source on the Internet, they were originally going to name the baby Courteney Cox Arquette, but this went against David's Jewish traditions, so they named it Coco after a nickname Courteney used to have. Courteney decided this was a good name after she decided she didn't want her daughter to ever get a spot on the Supreme Court.

#15.

Kyd

Child Of: David Duchovny and Tea Leoni

We enjoy a whimsical play on words as much as the next website, and the Duchovnys apparently shared a hearty chuckle at the thought of being able to shout, "Hey, kid!" and secretly know it was spelled with a "Y." If you go that direction, why not take it all the way and go with "Phatboi" or "Rhettard?" Both will stay funnier a lot longer than "Kyd."

#14.

Sage Moonblood

Son Of: Sylvester Stallone

OK, we might let this one fly considering Moonblood is Sage's middle name. Plus, this is Sly Stallone, here. Let us take this opportunity to link to that John Rambo trailer yet again. What we're saying is the name probably had to have the word "blood" in it somewhere, and the kid's lucky he didn't wind up with Scream Stabblood.

#13.

Destry

Child Of: Steven Spielberg

Whenever we put this name into Google to find out why anyone would name their baby this, it just brought up the word "Destroy," which actually makes us feel a bit better about it.

Some old-school GI Joe fans have implied that Destry is merely the feminine version of Destro. We'll have to research that, but if true, it comes off here and goes right on the Most Awesome Baby Names list.

#12.

Maddox

Adopted child Of: Angelina Jolie (and Brad Pitt)

Without any research, it's fairly obvious that Jolie named their adopted son after the Internet celebrity Maddox, probably after dismissing Gabe, Tycho and Lowtax.

#11.

Memphis Eve

Child Of: Bono

A pretentious baby name coming from a smug, pretentious man like Bono shouldn't be much of a surprise. The man does call himself Bono, after all. This is also the same person that bought a first-class plane ticket to transport his favorite hat to a concert location.

But really, "Memphis Eve?" Does that even make sense? "One more day until Memphis, kids!"

#10.

Ocean

Child Of: Forest Whitaker

The last King of Scotland actually did explain why he named his son Ocean. His words:

"I want those names to be their destiny, for my daughter to be honest and my son to be expansive. I try to be like a forest, revitalizing and constantly growing."

That's very inspirational, and we do hope his daughter is inspired by the ocean to become expansive, rather than becoming huge, salty and smelling of fish.

#9.

Prince Michael II/Blanket

Child Of: Michael Jackson

You can really chart Michael Jackson's journey into Crazytown with the naming of his children. When his first kid was produced somehow in 1997, he gave him the pretentious but not-quite-insane name Prince Michael Jackson. In 2002, another boy comes along and Michael, completely out of name ideas, calls him Prince Michael II. You'd expect his nickname to be "The Revenge," but instead Michael started calling him "Blanket."

It's such a great example of how a completely innocent word, given the right set of circumstances, can be nightmarishly disturbing.

#8.

Rocket Rodriguez

Child Of: Robert Rodriguez

But you might say, "Cracked, Rocket is such an awesome name!" OK, but you've got to try to imagine this kid having a life outside of porn industry. After all, imagine you're about to be put under on the operating table, and the nurse leans over and tells you your heart surgery is going to be performed by Rocket Rodriguez. OK, that would actually be pretty awesome. But seriously, imagine if the kid ever wanted to run for President ... wait, no, still awesome. OK, we may have to reconsider this one.

Interesting Tidbit: Rocket has four younger siblings: Racer, Rebel, Rogue and Rhiannon. Yeah, Rob has a thing for alliteration.

#7.

Blue Angel

Child Of:The Edge (From U2)

Not one, but two children of U2 band members making the list! Coincidence? We think not!

It's telling that Edge could so easily have just left it at "Angel" and given the kid a perfectly normal name. Nope, he's The Edge and dammit, it's important the kid have a weird name that's difficult to explain, and reminds people of those stunt fighter pilots.

#6.

Audio Science

Child Of: Actress Shannyn Sossamon

It's true that Shannyn Sossamon just barely qualifies as a celebrity, but she forces her way onto this list with this exceptionally bizarre name.

We learn with this entry that the only thing sadder than a pretentious baby name is a failed attempt at a pretentious baby name that ends up sounding like the name of a class at a local community college.

#4 & 5.

Moon Unit and Diva Thin Muffin

Children Of: Frank Zappa

We've piled all of Frank Zappa's ridiculous kid names into one entry, rather than let him dominate half the list (He named his other kids Dweezil and Ahmet).

He was a funny guy, rest his soul, but as with Jason Lee earlier it's really not cool to saddle your kid with a goofy name just so you can chuckle when you see the birth certificate.

#3.

Moxie Crimefighter

Child Of: Penn Jillette

Apparently, Jillette's wife had no middle name, and their theory was that you never use the middle name anyway so why not have some fun with it. This does not explain the "Moxie" part.

#2.

Tu Morrow

Child Of: Rob Morrow (from the TV show Numb3rs)

Now, we've just about reached the lowest of the low. Below the wacky joke names, and the pretentious hippie names, we have the pun names. Tu Morrow.

We've heard tales of these people; the ones named "Mary Christmas" and "Candy Barr" and "Ruby Cox." It's not only the worst kind of name, it's the worst kind of humor. "Tu Morrow?" That's not one of those things that starts out funny and then wears out its welcome with time; that stops being funny before you say it. It doesn't get any worse than this.

#1.

Jermajesty

Child Of: Jermaine Jackson

We stand corrected.

you can find the above article here

Now I really have to get on my shet. I need too get really creative when I am thinking of baby names if I want to beat any of these betches.

Hmm, I really like Crimefighter as a middle name, but I am no copier.

If you had a child really young you could name it Jungle Juice in honor of the powers that led to the night it was conceived.

What about Dark Princess Fairy Bright. That name is so freakin hysterical because I bet you a million bucks some loser out there on the internet would think that it is incredibly beautiful. Anyone named that is bound to die alone playing WOW and petting her cats.

I would really, I mean REALLY like to name my son John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt after one of my all time favorite songs. If I ever marry a man I tots McGoats name my son this. And mother, this is not a joke. Not like the soy sauce or the climbing mount Everest or the parallel universe of coats. This is for real what I plan on naming my son.

As for the daughter, this one is a little more tricky... I have it! I will name my baby daughter Vyvance Stiletto. We will call her Barbie for short. This is great because she will be named after 3 things I love so much, Vyvance- my time release Adderall, Stilettos - you know I love my shoes, and Barbies - yes, I have graduated college and I still have a Barbie collection, not to mention that my mother still gives me one for xmas every year.

Boo ya. Best. Child's. Names. Ever.

Ching Chong Ping Pong

So many people are aware of my weird and intense passion for salt. Well that love is carried over into soy sauce. Oh I could drink an entire Kikoman bottle of soy sauce if my friends didn't constantly deem it "inappropriate." They never let me have any fun. You know what would be a great money making scheme? Me taking bets from my friends over how much soy sauce I could drink.

If anyone would like to place a wager I would be happy to attempt the feat. Especially if I was able to pick the day that I could chug the elixer from heaven. When I am hungover, oh nothing seems too ridiculous to eat.

What if I mixed soy sauce and sake and drank that? Oh I bet that shet would be delicious. As many of you know, I like to keep the ingredients for sake bombs on hand in my apartment at all times. It is EXTREMELY important that I am able to do a sake bomb every Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. So what if I mixed it up this time and did a sake soy bomb! ohhhh I bet it would taste like buddha (I assume that buddha tastes very delicious).

But, I digress from my original point. Which was my love of soy sauce. To many people it seems a little contradictory that I love soy sauce and sake bombs, but I dislike Asians. Now let me clear this up for once and all. I DO NOT dislike Asians. I dislike China, and I don't even dislike all of China. I only dislike very specific aspects of China and I will list them all out for you here:

-Their government & lack of free speech.
-Anime
-Hello Kitty
-The weird ass meats that they eat.
-Those weird coffee shops where there are like 50 cats walking around.
-Their obsession with Ping Pong
-The crazy high population

I am sorry if you found that offensive, but I am not even gonna try to pretend like this blog is politically correct.

But their are somethings I love about China, mostly the weird stories my friend Chen Wang Pang tells me about her time in China. Yes her last name is Wang Pang, and that is one of the reasons why I love China, is that they have last names that just play into the racist stereotypes. Like the one that goes "You know how Chinese people name their kids? They drop a spoon down the stairs and the noises it makes on the way down become the kid's name" Wang Pang Ching Chong Ping Pong Shrimp Fried Rice.

But Asians really do have THE BEST NAMES! My favorite one comes from this guy who I work with. His name is, and this is seriously and literally his name, Phat Dong.

I feel like every man in America wishes that was his name.

I googled "Funny Chinese Pictures" and the below picture of a t-shirt came up. I really think I should buy this for Phat Dong because It would be HYSTERICAL when he wore it.

yo-yo master

When I saw this video I burst out laughing in the middle of my dead silent office.



Apparently this guy duped SEVERAL Midwestern news shows into believing that he was a yo-yo champ.

here is another clip:

Soooo Bored

I am a little bored right now, so I have been going through several websites, Like

askville.com

Tower of Teddy Bears

zombo.com

And

Idiot Test 2
I got to the "Crazy Smart" level before I failed, and then you have to restart it from the beginning which I don't wanna do so I am going to be a satisficer and be okay with the score I have.

And before I went through all these websites, I spent about 30 minutes trying to swallow my own tongue. I think I came incredibly close to actually doing it. But then I got freaked out about what would happen if I actually did swallow my own tongue. What if I choked to death in my cubicle because I tried to swallow my own tongue. That would be soooo funny. One of the weirdest deaths of all time.

I now know how I want to die.

Well according to this article about tongues, the only way I could swallow my own tongue would be if I cut it off and then tried to swallow it. Gross.

A friend of mine told me how he wanted to die once. He said he would go to the top of a building and tie one end of a piano wire around his neck and another end to the building. He would then super glue his hands to his head and jump from the building. The piano wire would completely decapitate him and he would fall to the ground with his head in his hands.

Thats pretty clever. But if you are that bent on dying, are you really gonna wanna go through that much effort to die a certain way?

I'm the Quizmeister

I like to take quizzes, mostly because they just tell me how Awesome I am all the time. Here are some results:


Well we all knew this already.

You Have an Extremely Active Imagination

Your mind is vivid, lively, and colorful. There is a lot going on in your head. You have the ability to make pictures and movies in your mind. You are extremely visual. Your creativity knows no bounds. You don't put restrictions or limits on your thoughts. You have a gift that other people wish they had. So exercise that imagination as much as you want!

How Active is Your Imagination?

Blogthings: If Quizzes Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Take Quizzes

Not the Octagon? Oh well Beefy McManstick is a pretty sweet name for my penis.

Your Penis Name Is: Beefy McManstick

Keep it in your pants!

Penis Name Generator

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

Apparently in my past life I was a whale. Interesting. This would certainly explain my love of plankton. No seriously, Egg and Batter then deep fry some good plankton or krill, oh that shet is soo good.

You Were a Whale

You see the unseen and connect on the deepest level. You help others find their soul's song.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

Don't they realize that this is my name already? Duh! Everyone knows that they are to address me as "Analbin, Empress of the Great Oceans."

Your Vampire Name Is: Empress of the Great Oceans

I never knew what life was until it ran out in a red gush over my lips, my hands!

What's Your Vampire Name?

Blogthings: Free Quizzes for Everyone

I am an artist right now. I mean haven't you seen these super sweet pictures I have posted?

You Should Be an Artist

You are incredibly creative, spontaneous, and unique. No one can guess what you're going to do next, but it's usually something amazing. You can't deal with routine, rules, or structure. You're easily bored. As long as you are able to innovate and break the rules, you are extremely successful. You do best when you: - Can work by yourself - Can express your personality in your work You would also be a good journalist or actor.

What Should You Be When You Grow Up?

Blogthings: We're Not Shrinks, But We Play Them On the Internet

Thats right the name Ana rocks. I inspire betches with my name!

You Have an Inspired First Name

You are a highly original and naturally creative person. You are always thinking outside the box. You are have adventurous spirit, and you are extremely energetic. If you love something, it's easy for you to stay motivated. You have your own unique take on the world. Your views are both independent and progressive. You aren't shy about living a bold and interesting life. You are a bit stubborn and headstrong when it comes to what you believe in.

What Kind of First Name Do You Have?

Blogthings: If Quizzes Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Take Quizzes

Well I am really not afraid of anyone. But it would be super Awesome if I actually did have horns like this. I read an article that discussed how you can shape coral into the shape of horns and attach them to your head. Apparently because of the high calcium content of coral, the human body will accept the horns and begin to attach them to your actual skull. Yeah that's right, I have done my homework, which included reading that one article and watching a certain Bones episode, don't be surprised if next time you see me I happen to have horns. I would look like a wood nymph. Once upon a time I played the role of a wood nymph in a staged production of "The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe."

As a method actor I insisted on living in the woods and scavenging for my food for 3 months before Opening Night. Ever since those wonderful, magical days where I truly embodied the character of a Wood Nymph, I have been longing to relive that experience, only with greater attention to detail. This is why I believe I will get horn implants and live out the rest of my days in a meadow, somewhere in Georgia (the biggest wood nymph population is in Georgia). I will frolic and jump and dance and twirl and spin and hop and skip...

You Believe That You're Fearless

You may not be the strongest person, but you have a lot of perseverance. You don't give up easily, and you're in it for the long run. You have incredible endurance. You respect people who are brave and try to do their best. Effort counts for a lot in your book. You have no respect for people who are paralyzed by their fears. In your opinion, that's just a life wasted.

The Horns Test

Blogthings: Take a Quiz. Annoy Your Friends.

I just took this one for Alyssa and Jessie:

Your Dream Guy is Edward

You are a true romantic, and for you, love is a very emotional and passionate thing. You want to be wooed, charmed, and even seduced. You have old fashioned ideas about romance. You don't mind being with a protective guy like Edward, as long as he has your best interests at heart. You like being taken care of completely, even if things get a little intense at times.

Who's Your Dream Guy: Jacob or Edward?

Blogthings: We're Not Shrinks, But We Play Them On the Internet

Well now that you are all now aware of how incredibly impressive I am, I will now actually do the work I am paid for. You know, after I am updated on my perez. As a ta ta for now present I will leave you with an image of a b-e-a-utiful man:


Dear Mr. Beau Biden,

I am hear to comfort you as you are going through these very emotionally and physically taxing times. Let me know if you need anything, and I mean anything (Wink). Please don't let this stroke ruin your very handsome face.

Love,
Ana

But you can call me Bananarama if you want Beau.

Why Hello Mr. Biden you are S-E-X-Y

I don't know how many of you readers are aware of hot HOT Beau Biden, Joe Biden's son, is, but he is really cute. He is like a sexy Michael Scott. My new celebrity crush.

Ana's Top Ten Most Disgusting or Strange Pick-up Lines That DID NOT Actually Deter the Man.

Many of those who know me are aware of my compulsive lying. Now, I don't do this to just anyone, mostly just men I meet at the bar. I feel a deep urge to just make up the most ridiculous lies I can, or I say the most ridiculous things I can. I really enjoy pushing it as far as I can possibly go and see how much a man will take. In College Park it is especially funny because men will deal with just about anything to get laid.

So with that bit of background information, I introduce "Ana's Top Ten Most Disgusting or Strange Pick-up Lines That DID NOT Actually Deter the Man." (Yes, I hate to admit it, but these lines sometimes actually made men become MORE interested in me.)

10. "Our names are Anastasia and Katrina and we are Russian twins."
Ok so you might say, "Well men LOVE twins why is this so strange?" The strangeness mostly has to do with the fact that this was what I would tell men FROM EUROPE about Cat and I while we clearly had only American accents. Yet, they still seemed to believe us. Not to mention that I still don't really see much of a resemblance between Cat and I.

9. "You look like you just walked out of a 'Lord of the Gays' parade."
It was really the shirt he was wearing. But this one goes so low on the list because I think that most men might try harder to actually change my mind after I would say this to them.

8."I'm a Mexican Chicken."
Oh this one is an inside joke, but it involves a sombrero, the cluck-u chicken man, and many cervezas.

7. "Look I really physically do not have a cellphone"
This man COULD NOT take a hint.

6. "blah-haha-blugh-hem"
That was the sound of me vomiting. This is one of the most iconic of all my anecdotes, but it is ranked so low because it actually wasn't a pick up line. Basically I was seeing this guy (we will call him Wings because of the intense amount of hair on his back and the manner in which this hair was shaped) and when he asked me to be his girlfriend I vomited all over his face. No, I wasn't very drunk at all. Yes, being his girlfriend seemed that disgusting to me. Surprisingly he continued to try and date me. I had to end it though after he took me to his away weekend and I saw him with his shirt off for the first time.

5. "How do you feel about Light-saber lava? I really only date men who are world wide champions."
Now this line I actually use pretty frequently. You see it does two things, it filters out the jocks and jerks while it draws in the nerds and geeks. Yes, I am proud to admit that I am a nerd and geek lover. The dorkier the better. So while to some men they find this a really strange thing to say, other men think that it is the hottest thing I could ever say. But regardless of drawing in men, I really, truly do refuse to date anyone who won't play light-saber lava with me. It is truly and deeply my favorite sport.

4. "I am actually only 14, I just hit puberty really early."
This one sometimes has an unexpected effect. When men become more interested in me after I say this I get a little creeped out.

3. "The smell of vomit is such a turn on."
I use this one at Santa Fe in CP a lot. For some unknown and appalling reason that bar ALWAYS smells like vomit. So when a man approached me in Fe the other night I had the PERFECT opportunity to send him running. Only he really didn't seemed that disturbed by what I had just said.

2. "I polished these buttons with my own urine."
I really don't know what possessed me to say this, especially since I liked the guy I was talking to. Maybe I just have the weirdest sense of humor. But he actually thought that that was the most hysterical thing ever.

1. "I am actually still a man and I am just waiting on my sex change operation."
I really thought that this would be the most offensive thing I could possibly say to a guy at Cornerstone, but for GOD knows why he actually offered to buy me a drink. This just goes to show you HOW desperate men are to get their decks slippery when wet.