1,000,000 Things I don't understand about China

So this is my list of completely factual (and probably made up by yours truly) Chinese stuff that I don't understand.

This list includes little China (aka lil C, Memoirs of a little China, Letters from little China, The Bridge on the River little China, and Japan) as well as big China (aka Big C, Kung fu China, Mulan, Rush Hour China, or China).


10. Making 1,000 origami cranes for one freaking wish.

Alladin climbed down into a pit of sand that was shaped like a very scary tiger's mouth to get his 3 wishes. Yes, he almost died, but I still think this is easier than folding 1000 origami cranes. Not to mention much more interesting.

As an experiment, I decided to fold some cranes myself. The first one experienced technical difficulties. Think the friend or family member you have that isn't completely retarded but everyone knows isn't completely there. They probably can't even catch their own fish so you have to catch one for them and leave it in a shallow pond for them to catch. It was so easy but they managed to screw even that one up and now their beak is stuck in the mud and you don't even know how in the hell you are supposed to get them out. It's not like you have opposable thumbs, but you can't just leave them there.

The second one was much better, albeit I made it as big as possible because I thought my hungover vision might be similar to that of an elderly person's. If that was true, the logical step would be to make the crane as big as possible so that I could clearly see all the folding I was doing. I don't know how much it helped but that crane was less like the retard and more like the Forest Gump. At least he could feed himself.

Now this third one, if I do say so myself, was the most glorious paper crane ever made. When it was finished the sun shone a little brighter and the clouds actually smiled.

I don't get into these exacting details of my cranes' intelligence to bore you, no, I do this to make a point. Folding paper cranes is boring as hell and takes forever. Why in hell would you fold 1,000 of these to get one measly wish? If you had any sense at all you would go to China, find a child/slave/worker and get them to fold 1,000 of these for a peso (or whatever the hell they use in China), then tell them to pass their wish on to you for some nice dog meat.

Better plan? I think so.


9. The one dog and one child rule.

So I understand the one dog thing. Who the hell wants more than one dog? Besides, they let you keep the dog meat after they kill your extra dogs. It's not like the government is bad or anything.

I even understand the one child rule. Children are a necessary means of continuing our species. Procreating is not something anyone actually wants to do, but has to do. Now the act of procreating, well that is a different story...
But back to my point, the government is being extremely generous in China by allowing you to stop after one. It's like "Hey, good for you! Now your reward is that you don't have to deal with anymore."

What I don't understand about this rule and whole situation is that children are not like dogs, you can't just kill the extra one. So what in the hell do they do with the extra children?

Now I know what you are thinking, that you are going to go look up what they actually do to the kids and then let me know to clear my confusion. I am informing you right now that I will refuse to look at all rational arguments or facts concerning this matter. I instead will choose to believe that they take all of the extra kids and corral them into factories and sweat shops to create all of those hello kitty dolls that freak me out. Or maybe they are making 1,000 paper cranes for dog meat and pesos. I don't know these things, and I never will, but wouldn't it be more productive of the government to just kill them like they would the dogs?

Now, I am not promoting eugenics, but I do think that the people who are most likely breaking this one child law are probably idiots. I mean how hard is it to use a condom? And if they didn't know about the law in the first place, well they kinda just proved my point there. So if the parents are idiots, the kids are bound to be only a small step above down syndrome (probably just like my first crane, Eugene the mascot for eugenics) meaning there is very little point in keeping them around.

I once saw a very scientific and legitimate documentary entitled "Idocracy." The scientists Luke Wilson and Maya Rudolph traveled to the future where everyone was incredibly stupid, such as Dax Shepard. They traced the reasons behind the future stupidity back to the present day and Rednecks' inability to any form of contraception. If we do not want this future, then maybe China should just start killing all of the extra kids.


8. Hello Kitty

I dislike Hello Kitty to an extreme. I don't understand the draw behind a creepy cartoon cat that apparently likes the color pink.


7. Anime

Real people don't look like that. I actually think that the Simpson's is more realistic in their depictions of humans. Now don't get me wrong, I watch the occasional Anime show. Mostly Pokemon. And I do have a huge crush on Brock. But really? What is up with the eyes? Who the fuck has eyes like that?

And don't try to tell me there is a difference between Manga, Anime and all the other crap asians and emo Americans draw. There is absolutely no difference to me at all. And trying to convince me otherwise is akin to trying to convince me that the floor of my room is not an special shelf for my clothing and Hot Wheels or that Regan was indeed a real person. (For the record, he never existed, just like Will Smith.) Basically, don't bother.

Just know this: If I ever complete my plans to one day become the devil incarnate and incite the rapture, I will demolish all evidence that Anime and those creepy, creepy eyes ever existed. This also goes for Hello Kitty. And Paper Cranes. And anything else I so choose to demolish once I rule the world.


6. Chinese food

Call me old fashioned, but I like to know what I am eating. I grow very nervous and anxious when I am eating a meat that I can't figure out what it is. "It tastes like chicken, but has the texture of beef." It really freaks me out. And not because I am concerned about eating cat weasel or Fido, no I am so nervous because what if I am eating PORK? I am not 100% sure what pork actually tastes like so I assume every mystery meat is pork. And it disgusts me. In America, even if the food isn't labeled, you always know what sort of meat you are eating. In China, or the picture I have in my head of China, there are mystery meats everywhere. It's like the twilight zone of meat.

5. Water Skiing to China from Japan

If you go to this magical website called "Google Maps" the wizard inside will tell you the most direct route on which to travel while undergoing your quest. This wizard, or warlock - which ever term you feel the most comfortable using - is an all knowing being and is the wisest witch in all the land.

I do not understand the mockery that is made of the warlock about his directions from Japan to China. These directions tell you that the best route includes step 42 "Jet Ski across the Pacific Ocean." Why is this so funny when Jet skiing is clearly the best route.
1. Jet ski's are the most awesomely fun way to travel. I jet ski everywhere. I even jet skied to work this morning.
2. Jet ski's are awesome
3. Jet ski's are fun
4. Jet ski's are a way to travel

Do you understand the infallible logic here? Obviously the wizard is enhancing your journey. Not only are you getting there the quickest way, but not the most fun way as well. So next time you want to travel from mini China to big China, jet ski.

(the above piece is in no way derived from my stock in Wave Runner. Which is about to go way up.)


27. Their story about the sun.

Once upon a time there was a thousand suns and it was super hot and shit so this warrior dude took out some arrows and shot down all but one sun. The end.

Who did so much fecking opium that they came up with this god awful explanation for absolutely nothing?
What was the point behind creating this story? It only shows the culture's complete lack of understanding of physics or any science ever. I thought Asians were supposed to be good at math and science.
Where was the logic behind telling this to children? You should only tell this story to your children if you are using it as a way to scare them into being good by threatening them with that warrior. Or threatening them with a thousand suns because that would be the end of the world.
When was the time period in which this seemed like a logical and reasonable explanation for the sun being in the sky? I don't think I have heard a worse explanation.
Why? No elaboration needed. Just: Why?

69. Kim Jong Ill

No one try to tell me that he isn't Chinese. I know that. My issue here is his recent travels to China. As a supposed friend of America, China should not be consorting with this crazy man. Or at the very least they should be candid and open about their activities when they are concerning this mad man. How and why was he able to travel undetected through China? The have their hand in every cookie jar from the great wall to some other place in China. The government obviously knew about his travels, not to mention high up officials actually met with the man. And only belatedly told the US.

I don't care how Ronery Kim Jong Ill is, he should not be allowed to freely roam.


2. Hong Kong

You are an awesome city. Super cool. Why did you go back to China? Why? You took mega hits in your awesomeness.


And the thing that makes the least sense to me (drum roll please) is:

1,000,000. Fortune Cookies

How do they get the fortunes into the cookies? How? Is it magic? Some sort of super advanced technology I don't know about? You couldn't bake the cookies with the fortune in it! The paper would burn or something. Probably. There are so many holes in this story. Damnit! How the feck do you get the fortunes in the cookie?!?! HOW!?!



I hope you enjoyed my completely accurate list. No reason to look up any of the information I gave you. It is completely correct. I do have to list things I like about China though:

Mulan, enough said.
The year of the snake, my birth year. Obviously I would be born in such a badass year.
Technology. I know you invented all of it, so thank you.

That's about it.