My plan to win a zombie apocalypse. By Ana, Age 21.

Lending to my obsession with fantasy and a dash of sci-fi, I have several different survival plans based on different apocalyptic scenarios. I gather this information from movies, books, and scientific articles I made up. Now my plans for a vampire insurgence pretty much equates to becoming one. The werewolf one involves just staying near a beach at all times (seriously though, when have you ever heard of a werewolf going anywhere near a beach?). Most of my other plans have similar simplistic solutions. The only one that is worth going into any detail over is my plan in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Now, zombie movies/books/t.v. shows never seem to get the survival plan exactly right. I don’t understand this. Especially when Bert from Tremors has pretty much handed us a fool proof plan. I know what you are going to say, Graboids and zombies are completely different. But the basic concepts are the same.

Step 1.0 Get a fortress.
I have a couple of places I keep in mind at all times that would be good fortresses. If there was a zombie attack, I would get my ass over there immediately. One place is Eleanor Roosevelt High School in Greenbelt, MD. This high school has no windows and is constructed completely of brick. No zombie would be able to break into that thing. There is also a working kitchen due to it being a highschool. The same merits of this building are also the same reasons why a prison would be an excellent strategic fortress.
I just realized what the last sentence says about the high school.
But travelling to this fortess would be quite easy I believe due to the fact that it is not exactly out of the city. Therefore there would be only slight traffic towards it. I think if you could travel along the Metro tunnels you could make it to the Greenbelt station. From there we would be able to travel via dirtbike and ATV across Greenbelt park and avoid most major roads.

Also living in MD would be the perfect place to fend off zombies, mostly due to the ridiculous weather. Think about it, in the summer it is unreasonably warm and the zombies would probably rot. In the winter it is unreasonably cold and the zombies would get freezer burn or something.

Step 1.2 Get MREs
Bert taught me that MREs , or Meals Ready to Eat, are the perfect nutrition in any battle scenario. Steal as many as you possibly can.

Step 1.3 Make sure you have some sort of water supply.
It doesn’t necessarily have to be clean because you can boil the water later on. Most public buildings, schools and prisons, have access to emergency water supplies. Check the building plans.
Now that you have your fortress problems solved it’s time to discuss who you want on your rag tag team of helpers. Now don’t think about current friends or family, think more along the lines of central casting stereotypes.


Step 2.0 Figure out where you lie in the band of brothers.
Once you peg yourself into a certain stereotype, then build the rest of the group around what you are missing. I myself am the strong female who wasn’t a warrior before, but isn’t afraid to kick some ass. I am ruthless, but will sacrifice myself to make sure others survive. I am also the main love interest for all of the males.

Step 2.1 Find a guy who is battle hardened (aka Hero)
Now he has to know his way around a fight, but he also has to be hot. And he has to have a hard shell that you break down with your witticisms and good looks to reveal a gooey center that means he will do anything to protect you. He also should know some good battle strategies.

Step 2.2 Find a techno nerd.
Find someone, preferably a cute guy, who knows how to fix any computer/hack into anything/create power sources/fix all technological problems. They should also wear funny T-shirts, have black glasses, and be dashingly attractive while endearingly shy.

Step 2.3 Get a doctor.
This should be an ER doctor or someone of this nature that can think well under stress an perform MacGuiver-like surgeries during the heat of the battle. Also should be a handsome man.
Step 2.4 Get a girl.
It doesn’t really matter who she is, or what she does. She just has to be less attractive than you and whinier than you. Her only purpose is to make you more likeable no matter how big your head gets from all the men falling in love with you.
Now that you have the cast that you need, you should probably let everyone else die. I know it sounds harsh but they will just slow you down and serve no purpose. If you have these people in your group of friends, great, otherwise stop worrying about your loved ones. If you really care about them, share these plans with them now so that they will be able to survive without you.


Step 3.0 Get a stockpile of weapons.
This is where your gang will come in handy. Before the complete takeover of the zombies, get the battle hardened due to tell you where a huge stockpile of government weapons is. Next get the techno nerd to hack into the security system for you. Then go along with the Hero to steal all of the weapons and hightail it back to your fortress.

Ok, I revise this statement. Most zombies are attracted to noise, so therefore get a crossbow and a crap load of arrows. Always stay far enough away that you can shoot the arrows, but aren't close enough to get sprayed by the zombis blood.

Step 3.1 Raid a home depot.
Similar to Step 3.0, but on home depot. You really don’t know about the tools and shit you might need, so take as much as you can.

Step 3.2 Jack everything you can from Best Buy.
Just like Step 3.0 and Step 3.1, you don’t know what computer shit you might need for Techno nerd, so steal everything you can now.

Step 3.3 Rob an army surplus store.
I am sure you are capable of imagining the usefulness of this, but I must metion that it is incredibly important to keep your body covered at all times. If you get the tiniest bit of zombie blood in your system, you are done. So if you even have a nick from shaving, make sure it stays covered by biohazard level gear, underneath army quality camo. You can find all of this at a surplus store.

Step 3.4 Hoard as much Gas as possible.
In every disaster movie a lack of gas is a huge problem. If you hoard as much of it as you can you will be much better off.


Step 4.0 Be able to shoot those who you used to love.
Now I understand the problem most might have with shooting a loved one, but if they are a zombie, you have to shoot them. Otherwise they will eat you. I am very sorry Mommy, but if you become a zombie and try to eat me, I will kill you. I mean you were already dead, so it’s not like I would be really killing you. I don’t think a whole lot of people would be able to kill their own mothers, even in this scenario, which is one of the reasons I told you to ditch everyone but your gang.


Now you need to think of defense strategies:

Step 5.0 Keep livestock around.
Just in case a zombie crowd discovers your hide out, you should use livestock to distract them while you make your escape.

Step 5.1 Dig a moat.
I don’t know how plausible this is, but seeing how impossible a zombie apocalypse is to begin with, I am gonna say this might be possible. Dig a moat. Zombies can’t swim, they can barely walk. If you dig a moat around your fortress the zombies will fall in and won’t be able to get out.


Ok so I think that is pretty much it when it comes to my zombie apocalypse plan. If I need to add anything I will let you know. It’s pretty much foolproof though. Also, fyi, the government, or anyone really, won’t be able to organize society again after the apocalypse so you should pretty much not give birth to any kids and let your species die out. You don’t really want to give a zombie ridden world to your kids do you?