6.) Thinking that winged creatures of myth are killing those around you.
This one goes pretty low on the list because, well, lets face it: doesn't everyone think this at some point in their life? Usually when I wake up in the mornings and I am still brushing the last remnants of sleep off my first thought will be, "Shit, I have to deal with those Valkyrie things again today." Then I'll open my eyes and be like, "Wait, no I don't, their not real. I forgot." And then I shrug and go on with my day.
Well I learned from watching the documentary Max Payne that if you think these things are after you, it's probably cool and you just took too much acid or something. The only thing you really have to worry about is if these things make you hurt yourself. Yes, that's right, Valkyrie will probably make you go crazy and jump out of a window or something. That's why if you see them, just be sure to ignore them and remember that they have feelings too. Wouldn't it hurt your feelings if half the people who saw you tried to kill themselves?
5.) Thinking the Russians are after you.
This is kind of a double edged sword. On one hand you will start trying to break codes that don't exist in the newest issue of "US Weekly," on the other hand your work will be the basis for modern economics as well as political science. Just like John Nash did in A Beautiful Mind. So if you can handle trying to discover Russian communications while reading about how Jennifer Aniston got her heart broken AGAIN, then maybe you can handle this kind of crazy. If just having to read one more story about Lindsay Lohan on drugs wants to make you rip your eyeballs out, then maybe this isn't the right crazy for you. I'd say stick to thinking Valkyrie are following you around.
4.) Killing people based on their sins.
"WHATS IN THE BOX?!? WHATS IN THE BOX!?!?!?!?"
Just a bit of advice: Don't scream the above words at work. Most people will not get that you are referencing Se7en and will instead think you are a crazy bitch.
Now killing a fat dude by suffocating him with food may seem like a good punishment, but only if you are crazy. If you think this, I would say you should probably check into a mental hospital ASAP. Also, if you are a female and were able to watch this documentary, especially the scene where he kills the prostitute, and not puke, then you might be crazy.
Here is another good test of crazyness. Look at a cork screw wine opener (you know the kind that if you push it up and down it looks like a man doing jumping jacks) now think about that scene with the hooker. If you will not forever be disturbed by this type of wine opener, you might be a little crazy.
3.) Going on a sojurn to the wilds of Alaska.
If you are a skinny white kid with absolutely no background in hunting or camping, maybe it wouldn't be such a great idea to have someone drop you off in the middle of an Alskan forest with your only supplies being two tuna melts. A tuna melt wouldn't even last very long without being refridgerated. You should probably bring a current map and possibly a compass at the very least.
You know what got me the most about this crap: This dude lived in a bus for a while right? And when he tried to make it back to civilization was when he starved to death. Now the bus has become some sort of shrine for him with 200+ letters for him being left there. Think about that. That means more than 200 people were able to make it there and back with out dying. And for some reason those 200+ people are worshiping the one dumbass who couldn't make it back.
So if you ever get the grand idea to go off into the Alaskan wilderness with no supplies, you are either completely insane, or incredibly dumb.
2.) Thinking you are trapped in a life boat with a tiger.
I read this memoir a while ago, and like most things, I don't really give a crap if what I remember about it is accurate by any accounts. But I will say, if you think that you are trapped in a life boat with a tiger, a hyena and a monkey, get the hell out of there. The tiger is not your friend, but the thing you really need to be worried about is the goddamned hyena. I saw a "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" episode where a group of hyena's ate a baby pig. They ate the principal too. The fact that you choose to stay in a small boat with a tiger and a hyena and a monkey (all animals that are known to eat humans and all are animals that are stronger than you) shows that you are madder than the mad hatter. I would rather jump and take my chances floating in the ocean than staying in that life boat. The kid also at one point tries to eat the tiger's poop. That does not seem like a wise choice.
And if I remember correctly, which is unlikely, they weren't even animals. The kid was soo crazy that he thought they were animals, but they were just humans. That means that kid tried to eat some human's poop instead of a tiger's. For some reason, this makes that even more disgusting.
So if you are stuck on a boat with a human, but think it's a tiger and try to eat whatever-it-is's poop, you might be a tad bit loopy.
1.) Stabbing yourself in the face with a nail file or stabbing yourself in the liver with a piece of broken mirror.
Self mutilation doesn't always equal crazy, but it does if you use a nail file to stab yourself in the face. I take back that previous sentence, disregarding piercings or tattoos, self mutilation means your batshit crazy. Especially if you use a nail file to stab yourself in the face. And that wasn't even Natalie Portman who did that. That was just Winona Ryder.
What makes you really crazy is if you stab yourself with a jagged piece of mirror and then don't notice it for an hour. I'd say that is pretty bad news for your mentail health. But don't worry, while you forgot about it for an hour your liver was slowly bleeding out and now you are dead. Cheers!
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