Love Advice

I know, I know, I am not necessarily the best person to give out relationship advice, but in case you are an idiot and do want to hear my advice, I am prepared to give it.
While I was searching the web trying to think of cheap but fun dates (I have pretty much decided that they can't exist in the winter time) I stumbled across possibly the biggest idiot of all when it comes to love. This man, Greg Godek, has possibly the stupidest relationship tips I have ever read, yet the man has written several books and has even been on Oprah.
Now the man writes books that are supposed to advise men on how to treat their woman, and some of the tips are cute but overplayed. But some, some are down right creepy. Creppy enough that if a guy did them to me I would run away screaming in fear.
Here I'll give you some examples:

Tip: Gift wrap a wishbone in a jewelry box. Send it to her with a note that says, "I wish you were here."

Above: The only type of bones I am okay with accepting as a gift.

My Response: Why the hell are you sending me the bones of a deceased bird? Why is this a romantic gesture?!? "Oh hey, if you ever leave me I'll kill you and keep your bones" Is the message I get out of this insanly creepy gift.

Tip:Want to jazz up the presentation of a special meal?
Buy a little hunk of dry ice from a local ice house. Put it in a bowl of water and place it on your serving tray. You'll create wondrous, billowing white clouds!

"What are you hiding in the mist, honey? What is that? WHAT IS THAT!?!?"

My Response:You know what is really, very closely associated with dry ice and billowing smoke? Witches and Halloween. Are you trying to to make our house into a horror movie where no one can see and a murder and run around hidden in the haze? What's next? Are you going to break out a cauldron and start casting spells?



Tip:Hire a pianist to play during a romantic dinner at home.

Unless it's him. He is the only way this isn't creepy.

My Response: So it's just me, you and a complete stranger at our meal right now? Is this supposed to be a hint that you want a threesome or something?



Tip:Best movie kisses:
The Way We Were: When Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford kiss in front of her fireplace.
Life Is Beautiful: The kiss underneath the banquet table.
Gone with the Wind: When Rhett steals a major kiss from Scarlett while he's helping her escape as Atlanta burns.

I don't know how this wasn't considered the best kiss of all time.

My Response: Ok so this wasn't even a hint. How is this supposed to be helpful at all to men who are looking for relationship advice? Also, doesn't this seem like it was written by a gay man or a woman? Supposedly he is married, but I don't know a single straight male who would use the word "major" in that way or has ever enjoyed any Barbra Streisand movie. Also I don't think a straight man would ever even entertain a thought concerning the best movie kisses.

Tip: Mary was a Beanie Baby fanatic. Her husband, Bob, hired a custom doll-maker to create a "Beanie Bob" for her.

Above: The only appropriate doll to have of your husband.

My Response: 1.) What grown woman is collecting Beanie Babies? Is Bob actually a child molestore? 2.) I do not, nor do I ever want, a doll version of anyone I am dating. I honestly think that that might be the creepiest thing I have ever heard, well the wishbone thing was creepier.

Tip: This guy starts off with tips about hearts (why you need tips about hearts, I don't know), at it begins with things like "Make a heart-shaped pizza" or "Trace a heart shape in fogged up windows," but then it just jumps to "Have a heart-shaped pool built" and "Get a heart-shaped tattoo with her initials in it."

Above: The ONLY acceptable heart Tattoo to get. That is, unless your me because I have an ADORABLE set of hearts tattooed on my ankle.

My Response: I feel as though the ridiculousness between the gestures is aparent enough that there is no need for me to even point it out, however I must say that any man who thinks drawing a heart in a fogged up window is akin to getting a heart tattoo with her initials in it is a man who is clearly insane.

And this is honestly the last tip he gives:

Tip: Best way to create more time in your life: Shoot your TV

My Response: I dont know in what situation bringing a gun into your relationship would be acceptable. I think I would immediately break up with a guy who just shot his T.V. for no discernable reason and if he shot MY T.V. well I would take his creepy wishbone and shove it so far up his ass that his body would be ready to hibernate for winter. Any man who thinks that shooting something is a reasonable way to deal with your problems is a man you need to run from. I don't know how this Godek passed a psych evalutation let alone ended up making millions from his relationship advice books.