8.) That OCD friend who takes way too much medication.
Maybe they are really organized or maybe they have to wash their hands 3 times in a row, the severity of this depends on the person. They probably also go to the doctor for every little thing and have a pill and perscription for diseases you didn't even think existed, but you know they don't have. They have an uncanny similarity to Monk, from "Monk."
My friend Jenn is about the most OCD person I have ever met. She honestly does have a pill for everything, from adderall to xanax. She also cleans an obnoxious amount. I'm not hating, becuase she cleans my room sometimes, but she is incredibly strange. But I guess it worked out good for her because now she organizes shit for a living.
This is the least weird one because we can all be a little OCD about certain things.
7.) That girl/guy who acts like they are from the ghetto even if they have never been there.
Everyone knows someone like this, who despite being born and raised in an affluent area, insists that they are from the "streets." This is mostly offensive to those who truly did grow up in the streets. Jamie Kennedy made an entire movie about this.
In high school I knew a girl named Elizabeth, who despite from being from the suburbs of Virginia acted like she walk straight out of Anacostia. When I knew her I had hair down to my butt and I was talking about cutting it all off for locks of love. She says to me, "Why you goin cut it off an' give it to dem cancers. Dey jus goinna die anyway. Givvit to me an' I'll make a nice jerry curl out it." Seriously she said that to me. She might have been stupid, which would explain the accent, but she got pretty good grades and she was in all honors classes with me. I really have no reason behind the idiotic comments she would constantly make.
One summer she went on a trip to Puerto Rico and when she came back she had what appeared to be a snake bite on her leg. When I ask her about it this is what she told me, "So I was jus sunbathin' an shit on da beach, when outta nowhere dis fuckin gorilla pops out da jungle and bites me!" I replied with, "What did he do after that surf away?" I was joking of course, but she didn't understand that. Elizabeth: "Yeah! He grab somes' surfboard an hops into the sea!" I still don't know what really happened to her leg, but for her to come up with that desperate of an explanation, I'm not sure I want to know.
This kind of person is ranked low because even though they are incredibly annoying, they are mostly harmless.
6.) That friend who just makes shit up for no goddamned reason.
This might be the most annoying out of all the types because you can never tell what is the truth and what is an outright lie. Everything you say she has to top you, even if it doesn't make any freaking sense. Just like Penelope who Kristin Wigg plays on SNL.
The difference between Penelope and your friend is that what Penelope says comes true, what your friend says doesn't. I had this other friend in highschool named Lilly who would just say the most ridiculous things like that she owned a castle in France. Earth to Lilly, they are called Chateaus in France and anyone who actually owns one would be snotty enough to make a big deal about the difference. Just like yatch owners do about the difference between a yatch and a boat. Yes, us commoners know they are named different things, but because we don't own one we aren't going to call one thing by two different names.
A yatch is a boat for godsakes!
Anyways, she also once told me Michael Jackson was her dad. Now that I think about it, she might not have been purpously lying, she might have been straight up dilusional. Who in their right mind would want Michael Jackson as their father? I mean, if you are going to pick a celebrity to lie about, why not pick one without severe mental problems? Personally, I would pick Caleb Deschanel as my dad because then I could be sisters with Emily and Zooey Deschanel. And that would be AWESOME!
Above: The best sisters ever, that is after Elle and I.
5.) The older dude who creeps you out.
Maybe he was in your neighborhood growing up, maybe he was a regular at your favorite bar in college. He was the creepy old guy who, for some reason, never realized how creepy he was. Just like that guy from "Family Guy."
I knew one of these guys during college and I know another one right now. The current one is known as the Bethesda Bopper and he looks to be about 80+ years old but for some reason decides to come to Union Jacks every single night. I swear I see him there constantly. He comes and he creeps and he does the same dance move over and over where he is stepping from side to side and just bopping his head. I don't think I have ever heard him speak, but I have seen him get down once or twice (I am talking he got low like he dropped his booty to the floor) and it was not a pretty picture.
The guy I knew in college, let's call him James in order to spare some feelings, wasn't nearly as old, maybe only 50+. But he was almost creepier because he was a highschool teacher who would come to college bars to hang out with his former students. He and I developed some weird relationship where I pretty much felt bad for the dude and let him hang around. He would come to my birthday events and even my graduation party. He never hit on me but man, it was weird.
4.) The guy who you just can't figure out what they do for a living.
This is the guy who hangs around and you just for the life of you can't figure out how in the hell they make money. I'm not talking you don't know what they do because they are so important like Barney is in "How I Met Your Mother."
Above: The Definition of Awesomeness
No, I am talking about the guy you don't know what he does for a living because he doesn't seem to have a job, but always seems to have money. This guy isn't necessarily scary or anything, and maybe he is even really likable. He just doesn't seem to exist outside of your life. I am talking about a guy like Kramer.
Again, to spare feelings, I will call the guy I knew Robert. This guy I hung out with after I graduated and before I got a job so I was still living off my parents. Robert and I would hang out all the time because, like me, he had nothing to do. Difference was, he wasn't living off of his parents so how in the world did he support himself. He was a really nice guy, but you can be the nicest guy in the world and if you don't have a legitimate explanation for how you support yourself, you are creepy. It left me imagining he was some sort of professional hitman who worked for the local crime syndicate. Maybe he even had a fancy nickname based on how he executed his victims like Chef if he liked to boil his victims alive like a lobster.
On a side note, I think boiling someone either as a way to kill someone, or after they are dead would be an excellent way to clean up after yourself. I suppose it would kill DNA and remove a whole lot of evidence from the body, like gun powder residue and things like this. It would also comprimise the flesh causing issue with IDing the body as well as cause of death. I suspect more people don't clean up this way due to the issues one would have gaining access to an instrument that would be capable of boiling a human body. Access alone to something of that nature would make it easy to tie you to your victims.
3.) The guy with anger problems.
Speaking of horrendus murders, another very strange person we all know is that one guy who has severe anger problems. This guy is totally normal one minute, talking to you about work while you are drinking coffee, then you accidentally spill a little bit of coffee on his shoe and he becomes this:
No one wants to mess with Christian Bale from "American Psycho" or really just Christian Bale at all because he seems like kind of a douche. My girlfriend, Em, dated a guy named Will who was exactly this crazy. Though the craziest thing we thought he did (break a window into her apartment) turned out to be an accident caused by a drunk neighbor. Still will was crazy enough she had to get a restraining order against him. I never really got why they dated in the first place, apparently he had a giant pimple on his ass which he would ask her to pop from time to time. Yeah, that sounds like a real winner.
2.) The sketchball.
This is the guy who you don't know what he does, because you are afraid to ask. He can get you anything, no matter how bizarre, you just have to ask. Skunk meat? Yeah, he has a guy for that. He has a guy for everything. Sometimes he is a really handy guy to know, he got you a really good discount on that truck rental when you moved. Other times, he scares the shit out of you when he tries to see if you are in the market for some vague hunting excursion where you test your skills against nature's smartest animal. He is kind of like Charlie or Frank from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."
Above: You can't always be sure exactly what kind of meat Charlie is eating. 
Above: One plus side of being the sketchy guy, awesome pajamas.
Not because I am scared of hurting his feelings, but because I am scared of him, I am going to call this one K. Now I knew K in college and his appearance alone was sketchy enough, he didn't have a leg. Then he would get talking and his random accents, from places you could never quite pinpoint, made the whole experience of K that much weirder. He could get you anything you wanted, but you never quite knew where it came from. I learned very early on not to ingest anything he gave me. He also believe my Celiac's Disease was a government conspiracy and so he gave me these pills that would supposedly cure it by introducing some sort of culture into my stomach. I took one and I had digestive problems for months afterwards.
He would also lie about stuff, but the difference between him and the girl who lies for no reason is that K never realized he was lying. When he thought he could be a one legged porn star, he really believed that. And honestly, good for him. He truly believed in himself, no matter how weird his ambitions were. I know a few people who could learn from his self confidence.
I used to be really ashamed of this, but it has been a few years and now I stopped caring, once I had to take a little stay in the UMD Baltimore Hospital wayyyy back when, in the mental wing. I was just there for depression. It really was not a big deal at all, but the people they housed me with were down right freaky. I mean, they were insane like Drusila from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."
There was this one woman, Jackie, who was a billion times crazier than the rest. And that is including the woman who thought that my coloring was so wonderful she took a picture I colored, framed it, and gave it to her granddaughter as a birthday present. I swear the night Jackie got her period was one of the most disturbing nights of my life. I can't go into details of it bust lets just say she thought the menstral blood was fingerpaint and the linolium and the walls of the common area were her canvas. The woman couldn't even speak real words she was so crazy.
But, I am sure that you know someone like this, maybe not as extreme, but similar. This person is a good check for yourself. If you start to resemble her in anyway, you might want to rethink your life. She sure scared me straight into sanity.
a. Elizabeth: What did she say about the book you were reading in Literature? "Who is this ....they are always talking about? Have ... do the cleaning"?
ReplyDeleteb. #5 ewww
c. Tell me who Robert is.
d. You could write a whole book about #1. Then you could buy your own Tree Code.
We were talking about the book "The Awakening" and there was a quote about "Letting the housekeeping go to the dickens" and she didn't understand what it meant and when on a rant about how "the dickens been doin' the house cleaning all along."
ReplyDeleteTurns out, for no logical reason, she though "the dickens" were a slave family taking care of the housecleaning. I don't know how she made that kind of an intuitive leap but it was very, very wrong.
You don't know robert.
You just hatin' that I ain't dance wit' you.
ReplyDelete- Bethesda Bopper