Proof that I am the voice of the future.

A while ago I wrote this article but now I have just read this Cracked article which proves I am the voice of the future.

SUCK IT WORLD

A funny thing happened at work.

A funny thing happened at work.

Someone was talking to me, but I wasn't paying attention because I was rigorously lotioning my hands (they become very dry in the winter). Anywho they were chatting away and I would pick up words here and there, but for the most part I was lotioning my hands and thinking about if I took any more Motrin whether or not my liver would collapse. Then they said:

"blah blah blah blah honesty."

And I immediately jerked my head up and said:

"Wait, I don't have any Tea."

Apparently our future kids will have a real problem with cold sores

BRB

Man, have I been busy. And not even with fun stuff, just with work. I was stuck at the office till like 11:30 last night and had to come in at 5:30 this morning. Yuck.

Anywho, that is why I haven't had a chance to write on the blog for a while. Because I am trying to scrape together at least a little bit of a social life when I am not working. Even that is difficult when I don't have to worry about this blog on top of everything else.

I know, I know: you are so incredibly dissapointed that you don't have me here to entertain you. NEVER FEAR THOUGH! I will post something humorous soon enough. As soon as I finish working and after I figure out how to make it so my belly isn't making noises loud enough that my coworker thought that I was groaning due to an injury.

Seriously though, why is my tummy rumbling so loudly? I know I am not hungry, I just had lunch like an hour ago. Weheheheird.

My BF is going to hate me for showing you these....

...but he is so darn cute, I can't help myself.

Rat Kings: An Education

Above is a picture of a Rat King. This is essentially when rats who are living in a nest together get their tails entwined due to the filthy conditions. With each pull they become more stuck until they literally cannot get free of the other rats. Rat kings are considered to be the most unhealthly thing on the entire planet as they only exist when rats become excessively filthy. Think about that: take the dirtiest creature on the planet (a rat) and think of what they would consider dirty and then you understand why Rat Kings are supposed to be so incredibly gross.

Eventually all the rats die, either from starvation because they couldn't make it to any food, or from dimemberment because they struggle so much to get free they actually rip their own bodies in half.

In Medieval times they believed Rat Kings to be bad luck. Possibly because they consisted of terrifying wheels of enraged, crazed, disease infested rodents covered in their own shit. Yes, I could see how that might be bad luck.

Goddamn it MAX!

So through recent scientific sleuthing I have figured out that my older brother, Max, has pretty much effected almost every aspect of my personality.

Note: I have two younger siblings, Elle and Teddy, as well but they were adopted and this pertains more to genetics. So for the purposes of this article it is completely Max's fault.

He made me short.
OK, so maybe I'm not exactly short. Alright, I guess I'm tall at 5'9", but according to this article I read, if I was first born I could have been significantly taller. Like two inches taller. But because Max got to my mother's uterus first, he zapped all the good shit away and left me with a second hand one. They have actually proven this. And it's bullshit.

He shaped my entire personality.
So when I was growing up I was super-duper girly. Like really, really girly. I mean, I would watch Cinderella over and over and over again and everything in my room had to be pink or unicorns. I was also really into Ballet and Musical theater. But recently, I'm not really into any of that stuff anymore. I have started liking football and cigars and beer. Turns out this is Max's fault.
Younger siblings who grow up with the opposite sex have been scientifically proven to swing wholly into their gender stereotypes as children. Okay, this makes sense - I wanted to be as opposite as my brother as possible.
Here is where it gets weird though: Once you no longer live and interact with your opposite sex older sibling, the majority of the younger siblings will swing in the opposite direction, taking on many traits that are considered "gender defining" of the opposite sex. Which makes complete sense. Pretty much as soon as Max and I stopped living together and seeing each other everyday I started getting into more manly things and less girly ones. But it really only applies to the younger sibling who is genetically related to the older one. Which is so strange. Like really, really weird. And the thing is, the scientists don't know why this happens.

Well, he deserves a pat on the back for making me funny
I know you all think I am funny. I am funny. You know that. Well apparently it's because of Max. UC Davis did a study where they recorded sets of siblings telling jokes and the younger siblings were always ranked funnier, even when they read the same jokes. Also, in London they did some sort of interview with thousands of sibling pairs and they found that everyone thinks the younger sibling is funnier. While it makes sense in an attention seeking sort of way, they believe it is genetic. I didn't really want to read about it because I was so lost but I think it was genetic.

He took all the smart genes
For pretty much the same reason that he made me short, he made me stupider. Because I got stuck with the used uterus. On average the first born is 2 IQ points smarter. Damnit!

Alright, he did one last nice thing for me, he made me nicer
I don't really understand this one either, but scientists are saying that younger siblings can express empathy better and that we are able to socialize better. Knowing my brother and I, that is completely true.

I think all of this crap applies to my little brother, Teddy, and my little sister, Elle. Elle is the older one and Teddy is shorter, pretty manly because they still live together, he is pretty funny, and he has trouble in school. The only problem here is that Elle is most definitely the nicer of the two. She is a totally sweethear.
But based on most sibling patterns, as soon as Elle goes away to college, Teddy is going to become super effeminante. That will be funny to see.

6 Awesome things you might not have known about Ancient Egypt.

So I know people are getting all hurt in Egypt and stuff. And that Anderson Cooper got punched in the head ten times. And while all of that is indeed sad and I feel bad for the state of their country, the thing that upsets me most is the looting and destruction of some of the famous artifacts.

History is so precious and to think that some of the most powerful artifacts we have ever discovered could cease to exist becuse of idiot looters is heart breaking. You may or may not be surprised to find that I love history. I read almost any historical information I can get my hands on and I used to love the History Channel so much that I would keep it on constantly. You know, back before it essentially became "The Ice Road Truckers" channel.

To make you understand how sad I am about potential ramifications of the looting in Egypt, I am going to tell you about 6 Awesome things you might not have known about Ancient Egypt.

6.) Invented "The Dick Cheney"

So you know how Dick Cheney was this shadowy figure that no one trusted who was behind Good Ol' Dubbya? Well Tutenkhamen or King Tut had one of those as well, his name was Ay. In the above pic you can see that Ay and Dick even look alike.

For most of Tut's reign he was a child so this Ay guy pretty much took over and ran Egypt for Tut. Some even believe that Ay killed Tut right after Tut became an adult. Ay was Tut's Dad's favorite advisor despite the fact that Ay was a commoner. So Tut becomes king even though he is like 8 or something and like most 8 year olds, he doesn't give a crap about being Pharoh. Ay does though and so he pretty much deals with everything right up until Tut becomes an adult. Then Tut dies and Ay becomes his immediate successor. Ay even marries Tut's royal wife to solidify his position.

So he was a behind the scenes power hungry Dick (pun intended), but in all reality he actually seemed to be a decent ruler. I mean he didn't do anything too bad to the Egyptian people and he got them to return to their religion. He only got to rule for like 4 years though because, like Dick, he was old as shit.

5.) Invented Animal Husbandry

I know what you're thinking: the only reason Ana want's to talk about this is because she can include a picture of two goats boning and it's actually relevant. And you're right. But that doesn't make this any less of an accomplishment for the Egyptians.

There really isn't much to say about this other than the Ancient Egyptians (I am talking super Ancient here, like back when they first started out) domesticated animals and perfected techniques we still used today for animal husbandry. I would get into the details, but trust me, no healthy individual wants to hear about animals sperm. You get the importance from the picture.

4.) Invented Wedding/Engagement/Commitment Rings

If you are anything like me you have wondered once before why we wear rings on our left ring finger. And who decided to call it the ring finger? Well I'll tell you, it was the Ancient Egyptians' fault. They aparently didn't have the best sense of anatomy - wait I am going to stop there. They had a pretty damn decent sense of anatomy due to all their mummifying and shit. Better than the European's during the Dark Ages, thats for sure.

But they believed that there was a vein in your left ring finger that ran all the way to your heart. I guess they got it confused with the Aorta or somethign because they thought you could bleed out if you cut it. So the would wear a ring of their loved one around this important artery to show that they were devoted for their life.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we even have wedding rings.

3.) Invented the black cat superstition

As we all know black cat's are not evil or bad luck. But they are unlucky because no one ever wants to adopt them. This is the Christians' fault.

The Ancient Egyptains were all about cats, they freaking loved cats man. And that was because they had this god who was call Bast and she looked like a black cat. So the Ancient Egyptians spent a crap load of time loving their cats and worshiping the black ones. They even bread the black ones to be black (through animal husbandry) by having cats with thicker stripes mate with cats who had darker fur, over time creating the black cat.

Then the Christians had to come along and screw everything up.

When they were trying to convince the Egyptians to join their religion they found that the cats were getting in their way. So they started this whole big lie about how the black cats were actually demons, not Bast. The Egyptians believed them and then they started coming up with more crap about the demon-cats. Like if one crossed in front of you, you would be cut off from God - essentially you would gain bad luck.

2.) Invented bling

So the Egyptians t0tally invented bling, I mean did you see the shit they were buried in? But they also invented building bling, their pyramids were the precurser to Times Square.

How you picture them is how they are now. How they really look is like the picture above which is shiney as shit. They did this by hauling blocks of limestone from around the country and then buffing the crap out of them. Much like that vietnamese lady from the nail salon buffs the crap out of your nails. So these limestone blocks were shinier than the newly waxed high school gymnasium and then were used as the outermost layer of the pyramid. Then the cap stone was coated in gold or electrum, whatever that is.
The reason it still doesn't look like that is because limestone wears down faster than the stone they used for the inside. Plus tourists kept stealing it for shit. Also, apparently before people figured out that historical monuments were important, they kept using it to build other shit. Dumbasses.

1.) Invented the most badass sports

The badass sport I am talking about is called "the fisherman's joust" and I have helpfully included above a photo of me dominating at it.

It's a sport where the fisherman would go on these boats of papyrus and then stab at each other with long poles. Eventually someone, or both, would fall off and not really anyone in Egypt knows how to swim. So a lot of them would straight up drown. Those that could have survived were probably eated by crocodiles and hippos. That's right crocodiles and hippos were more populous in the Nile than litter is in the Potomac.

Ok, that was an exaggeration, there is a lot more litter in the Potomac, but the point is there are a lot of things in the Nile that you don't want to have to face. This is why this sport is so badass. If you lost, you pretty much died.

Molasses Tidal Wave

Another reason why I kind of want to move to Boston: The Boston Molasses Disaster.

Apparently in 1918 this guy built a really shitty quality molasses tank. But it was super huge. And it kept leaking a whole bunch but the locals were like "if we paint the tank the same color as molasses, no one will notice the leaks." And so they continued to do that. Meanwhile fermentation of the molasses and the CO2 it was giving off built up and built up in the tank. Then on January 15, 1919, the giant tank exploded, knocking cars off the road a releasing a wave of molasses into Boston. The wave of molasses went rushing through the city at 35 MPH, which is super fast for freaking molasses! It lifted a train off of the tracks and killed 21 people and injured 150. This all happened in the North End of Boston and supposedly if you go there it still smells like molasses.

Oh and by the way, apparently all of this molasses was about to be turned into rum and then there was a huge rum shortage in Boston which led to a freak out.

This is why I think I belong in Boston, they have molasses tidal waves and almost riots when there is a shortage of rum. It sounds like something that happens in Candyland, not an actual city.

If I was a billionaire...

Just like most people, and in the words of a true poet, I want to be a billionare so fucking bad. Mostly for all of the completely useless shit I could buy. I dream and dream about the stables full of horses with narwhal horns glued to their heads that I would have and a bowling ally where humans are pins and you put yourself in a big ball and run at them and try to knock them down. I know, I do dream big. So right now I am about to make a list of all the crap I would buy if I had billions of dollars.

1. Tanks to blow up.
OK, I know usually my lists are longer, but this is what I want above all else. Apparently in the U.K., when they buy too much of something for the military, they remove the weapons and sell it to the civillians. So you can buy a tank for pretty cheap. And buy cheap I mean like $40,000+. Which is cheaper than I thought an acual tank would be. I don't know, but for some reason tanks aren't that bad. And they are perfectly legal to own. So I would buy a tank (or two, or three) and a giant field and place the tank in the field. I'm talking a really big field though, like bigger than a football stadium.
Then I would have to make a bunker of sorts for myself that would probably cost a good amount of money if I really wanted it to be safe.
At this point I would have to undergo severe weapons training so that I coul get a class a Class 2 gun permit. This is very important as it would allow me to purchase a M134 General Electric Minigun. Which, in case you were wondering, looks like this:

This gun can shoot 2,000 to 6,000 rounds a minute and 166 times per second. And you can pretty much only afford to own one if you are a billionare because it costs $400,000 or more to begin with and the ammo is incredibly expensive. 166 shots, which is one second, costs about $60. Here is the worst part about it though, there are only about 10 of them in civilian hands, and there will never be more. So you have to seek out who ever owns these things and then try to buy it off of them. Most people wouldn't find "I need it for my tank explosion expeirement" a compelling argument. So I would need to pay a very high amount for it.
Now I would have to contruct some thermite, which is surprisingly cheap. Its about 2 parts rust to 1 part aluminum shavings in weight and about half and half in volume. It is also the hottest burning substance on earth, reaching up to temperatures that are about half of the temperature of the sun. Also, it's totally legal because the government can't tell you that you can't have aluminum and rust. Once I made this I would set it inside the tank. One down fall about thermite is that it is hard to set on fire because it needs a really hot fire to start it. The only readily available substance that burns hot enough is magnesium. So I would place a bunch of thermite in the tank and ring it with magnesium.
It's really starting to come together guys. Listen for my next highly legal step. I would order tannerite and just coat the outside of the tank in it. Tannerite is a biannary explosive compound so there would be the step of mixing the two harmless on their own, but explosive together compounds. You can buy this from contruction company distributors and they don't regulate it so you can get as much as you need.
The thing about tannerite is that once the two compounds mix, it is highly explosive. I mean a single gun shot and it will go up in flames. - Now see why the mini gun is important.
I coat the tank, that is filled with thermite and magnesium, in tannerite and then I stand in my bunker and shoot at the tank with my mini gun. The tannerite will explode and the out side of the tank will be in flames, this will cause the magnesium to ignite and therefore the thermite to ignite and the whole thing will result in an enormous explosion that I will be glad I built my bunker for.

If I had a billion dollars I would do this, I would do this every single week. It would be so. very. badass.

Am I strange or do I have a mental disorder? You tell me.

So, I am very aware of my strangeness. It is something I feel great pride over, really, I do. And one thing I have a tendency to do is give things personalities when they really don't have them. Like punctuation. I know punctuation doesn't have a personality but to me the period is like the PC guy and the comma is a hipster and a colon is like Rambo and a semicolon is a big scaredy cat guy. Also 9's are really mean and capital letters are like a lonely rancher. Lower case letters are like the chimney sweeper in William Blake's "The Chimney Sweeper."

I have lot's more, actually it will get really weird. Letter's have personalities as well, Y is a gay guy. O is a christian creationist. G is just like Walt Disney.

Anyways, I have always thought that that was just me being super weird and shit and I never really put a whole lot of thought into it. Because, really, it doesn't matter what-so-ever.

But today I found out about this disorder called Ordinal Linguistic Personification. And basically it is just like what I explined to you about just giving shit personalities that don't really have personalities. It's a form of Synesthesia where your senses interpret things differently. Synesthesia is actually super common apparently, about 1 in 23 have it. So there could be a possiblity that I do have OLP. Not that it really matters in any way.

But I also give personalities to things that aren't things you find on a keyboard. Like pencils which are kind of goofy trouble makers. And soda cans are fat idiots like tweedle dee and tweedle dum. Hand lotion is a french woman. They didn't describe those things in that article so maybe I am just bizzare. Which is totally cool with me.

What do you think? Do I have OLP or Not?

Two pairs of pants: A true story.

I just pulled a pair of pants out of my pants. I am not even joking. I accidently left a pair of pants inside the pants I am now wearing and when I went to scratch my ankle i noticed there was something weird about my pants so I pulled on it and then I realized I was pulling another pair of pants out from inside my pants. I pulled the pair all the way out and stashed them in my desk.

What I want to know is how in the world did I manage to do this? How did I not notice there was a second pair of pants in my pants? Am I that unobservent? What else have I not been noticing my entire life? And also, is this the first time this has ever happened to me?

Your 8 Personalities.

So I'm at work right now and I'm thinking: "Ana, let's face it: you are really super awesome! But, here's the problem: No one at work knows how awesome you are because if you exposed your true personality people might go insane from the awesomeness: actually, they would probably be very confused and just not get you, you know? Anyhoo, a lot of people don't know how awesome you really are because you seem to have a multiple personality disorder where you act very different in front of different people: well it's not so much different but a controlled output of what you are actually thinking: and it's probably not just you, everybody probably does this: but not everyone has what seems to be an unhealthy obession with colons: they aren't the same things as periods you know: okay, they are kind of similar: like a double period in case a single period wasn't badass enough for you: you should stop now though it's getting annoying: really stop: no, seriously Ana's brain, you need to stop now: AHHH!"

In that last part I killed my brain by injecting a condensed mountain dew syrum straight into it, through my pupil. That is why I got to use the exclamation mark. That is also why this might not be the best article. And because I damaged my pupil, there will be no pictures either.

8.) Your church personality

Like an onion, there are many layers to your personality. The fakest will be your personaliy in church. But first, I have to ask (shit I don't want to use colons, or maybe I really do?) *insert badass period-like thing that can also be the eyes in a smiley-face* Why the hell are you in church? Seriously, why would someone reading my blog be in church? Oh, I get it, you watched Hunchback of Notre Dam recently and saw that a church was a place of sanctuary where cops won't arrest you. Now you are on the lamb and are hiding out in a church to save yourself. That is also why you are lying out your ass to the nuns over there about why you are really here and exposing them to a part of your personality that could barely be qualified as you.

7.) Your work personality

So now that you got out of that on the run scenario, you are relaxing at work. Not really, you are still kind of up tight because you want them to like you enough to give you more money. Sure, you might crack a few jokes here and there, but you aren't going to tell them about that time you smuggled cuban cigars onto an american cruise ship and then almost got kicked out of the boat because you smoked them in your room. Yes, it was a hysterical story that ended with you getting shoved into a running shower with a still lit cigar while your cabin mate tries to explain to the captain that it was the steam that caused the smoke detectors to go off. But you can't tell your coworkers that because they are all old as shit and wont think it's funny, they will think you are depraved and then you won't get more money from them.

6.) Your dating personality

Alright, it's after work and you are on that blind date from OKCupid. You kind of like this guy and you might even tell him the cigar story, if he seems laid back enough. You can be funny in front of him, but you can't reveal any of the awful traits about your personality. Like your narcissism, or your crippiling emotional detachment issues. Or your awful grammer and spelling. You still have to watch every little thing you say in case you accidently tip him off to how psychotic you really are. You can't let him know about that time you roundhouse kicked a hobo just to see how it felt. He probably wouldn't think that that was as badass as as you think it was.

P.S. - that wasn't a hobo, it was a bag of trash.

P.S.S. - that wasn't a roundhouse kick, you barely got your foot off the ground.

P.S.S.S - good for you fo believing in yourself enough to believe you actually roundhouse kicked a hobo, you delusional bastard.

5.) Your family personality

If your family is anything like my family (the recipe goes - put 6 nutjobs in a 3 bedroom house together, add a dash of dysfunction and a an utter lack of modesty and you will get the lovable, adorable and comically hilarious Albinson family - seriously we should have our own sitcom, or reality show, but I hate reality T.V.. I forget where I was going with this...)then you can probably just be yourself, because you have forced them into accepting even the parts of you that rival David Hasselhoff. However, most people have to tone down their bizarreness. So you probably can't talk to them about drinking or really any of your Saturday/Friday/Sunday/Thursday/any day that ends in "day" nights. So you can't tell them about your personal life, but you could probably make all of your super inappropriate jokes. So that's cool.

4.) Your friend personality

With these people you can totally talk about your drinking, tell inappropriate jokes, curse, do whatever - except you probably should always wear makeup around them and not walk around topless. If you walk around topless in front of people you don't know so well then they might fine you for public indecency. (Despite what you may think of me, I have never been fined for this so I am unsure if people or the police fine you for this.)

3.) Your best friend personality
You meet up with this person after your date to talk about it. You now go over everything in deep detail about that person. You flesh out what you think his future hopes and dreams will be based on his comment about Pokemon. "Yo, I never really was all that in to Pokemon." Obviously, a man who made the previous comment is a man you can't trust because he hates kittens and everything awesome about life. You can also fart in front of your bff because sometimes that stuff just slips out. When you bend over to pick sugar packets. See on of my previous entries, I won't tell you which one because it is kind of obvious.

2.) Your cat personality

You can poop in front of them. They do it in front of you.

1.) Your alone personality
After you talk about your date, you excuse yourself and now you are alone. When you are alone you can do all of the most weird, disgusting stuff you can't do in front of anyone else - including your cat. Yes, I am talking about watching "All Dogs Go to Heaven." You know you like it, but you can't do that in front of anyone else. Because your embarrassed. Of your terrible taste in movies. (but that is a funny movie. Wait, if you are a potential date then it as absolutely not. Not funny at all. But "The Pebble and The Penguin" is still a funny movie no matter what you say.)

I have no words for this....

Apparently, in Cambodia, if you have enough money you can do anything. Read the below article from this site. It starts off slow but read till the end and you will be horrified by the Cambodians.


Well arrived in Siem Reap after a very short flight from Phnom Penh, Cambodia's capital. Since last entry i have left Vietnam and moved onto country number two, Cambodia.

Long day up the Mekong Delta in a longboat after leaving Saigon, Phnom Penh is definitely a lot less busy than Vietnam, reason being it has a much smaller population and therefore a lot less motobikes so less chance of getting run over or knocked down. One of the ladies who started the trip did in fact get run over by a motobike and had to be airlifted to Bangkok for plastic surgery about 8 days into the trip, her first holiday aboad as well.

Anywho having a great time, weather is very very hot and food is still bloody marvellous. Changed from the Dong back into the US Dollar so Cambodia is a little more expensive than Vietnam but still not too bad i guess

bridge at Hoan Kiem Lake, Hanoi. We visited the Cu Chi tunnels a few days ago, one of the main underground networks used by the Viet Cong during the war with America, very very cramped, they definitely weren't designed for big lads like me. Also got to use an old AK-47 and fire a few rounds off that, a bit hard to use cos it was soo old it kept on jamming but was still great fun.

Yesterday we visited the Tuol Sleng genocide museum and the Killing Fields in Phnom Penh which was a pretty depressing and horrific day, learnt how cruel this country's government has been to its people and the torture and hell millions had to go through, really quite disturbing. Phnom Penh is famous for 3things according to one of the books i read, guns, girls and ganja. The reality wasn't quite as bad as the book, at least the parts i seen, did get offered some weed though and did get to fire some more guns and we had a casino in our hotel so u can spend a lot of money very quickly in Phnom Penh.

There was an old story about how if u went to the shooting range, not only cud u pick from 100 different sorts of guns but u also got the opportunity to shoot a cow with a B-40 (rocket launcher) of course no one believes, at least no one who has never been to the firing range in Phnom Penh. Me and Greg got a tuk-tuk out to the range, which is about 40 mins outside the city and were greeted with a handshake from one of the nice men at the range

firing colt handgun at shooting range cambodia. We sat down and he handed us what i thought was a menu, and it was a menu of sorts i guess, only it listed all the weapons and all the prices, including the rocket launcher which was the main reason we went out. I decided to get one magazine for the AK-47 and a couple of handguns, at a dollar a bullet you had to give it a lot of thought, and i think if i had brought $200 more i would def have fired a rocket, little too expensive. Anyway i was first up on the AK-47 and before i started shooting the guy asked me would i like a moving target, i thought he meant he would press a button or pull a string and the paper target at the bottom of the range would move from side to side, but no, that wasn't it, he said for an extra $15 i could shoot the hell out of a live chicken. I had to think about it for a few seconds and then i thought i better not, wud feel a little bad shooting a poor wee white chicken with this sort of a gun, the guy told me it's much better if there's a moving target especially when it's on automatic fire, but i decided not to. So the magazine lasted about 15 seconds, few single shots to start at the target then i just kept the finger down, it was bloody brilliant, the kick off the recoil and the noise, Jack Bauer has nothing on me for sure. After that i got to shoot a colt and a reugger at a stationary target and hit it 7 times out of 8 both times, couple of head shots and one to the groin, he would definitely have been dead or else very very sore. So that was most of my money gone so i bought a t-shirt and then asked about the cow story to see if it was true and yep if u have enough money they will take u out to the mountain range out the back and u can shoot a B-40 at a live cow, unbelievable, if i'd enough money, well maybe not, perhaps next time. Mannis u wud love this place mate, think we'll def have to organise a trip when u finish uni!!

Billy Bob Shakespeare: The Inventor

Prepare, I am about to get real English major-y on you.

I can respect and admire Shakespeare, but even I have difficulties reading and understanding every single detail and nuance about his work. Which means there is simply no hope for you whatsoever. But you still have to give ol Billy mad props for simply creating the Crap out of words. He isn't pulling some Sarah Palin bullshit, he actually straight-up invented words that we use constantly. I might have already used one so far, I'm not sure because there was over 1,700 ones he created. Insane right? Well I am about to blow your mind because I am going to list all of the crazy ones he created that you probably had no freaking idea weren't, like, always around.

Control

"Who can control his fate?" - Othello in Othello, act 5, sc. II.

Where it came from:
So here is the thing, Shakespeare didn't just willy nilly mash two words together to come up with some hybrid basterdization of the english language like "ridonkulous" which is is the combination of ridiculous and donkey. Why you would want to combine those two words, I am unsure of. I am also unsure what the hell it means. But I digress.

Shakespeare coined this term from the latin terms "contra" (against) and "rotulus" (a dimonstrative of rota or "wheel"), which literally means "against the wheel". This makes sense if you use this meaning in the above sentence. Othello is asking if he is able to determine his own fate. Wheels where a very common image for depicting fate in this time period. And so Othello is asking if he is able to go against the wheel of fate in motion, esentially determining his own outcome.

Why it's important now:
Genius, pure genius, especially because somehow this all let to the remote control which is honestly God's gift to man.

Hurry

"Hold, there is forty ducats. Let me have A dram of poison, such soon-speeding gear As will disperse itself through all the veins That the life-weary taker may fall dead, And that the trunk may be discharged of breath As violently as hasty powder fired Doth hurry from the fatal cannon's womb. " - Romeo in Romeo and Juliet, act 5 sc. I.

Where it came from:
Shakespeare used this word a bunch of times, which is why it is so hard to pinpoint a single quote used. It is thought to come from "hurren" which in Middle Europe (the etyomology dictionaries I looked through didn't specify a certain language "hurren" came from though the Oxford English Dictionary implied Duestchland, the same wonderful place that gave us tulips, clogs, and Amsterdam) meant "to vibrate rapibly, buzz." Shakespeare took this meaning and developed "hurry" as rapid movement. Though, some etyomologists believe it is derived from the Swedish "hurra" (to whirl around) which is where "hurl" developed from. However, except from the above quote, the Shakespearian use of "hurry" does not necessarily involve objects in air, nor does it in modern context. Therefore it is most likely a modification of "hurren."

Why it's important now:
Because what eles would you say while someone is trying to diffuse a bomb. "Hurry up!" is clearly the best answer.

Lonely

"My hazards still have been your solace: and
Believe't not lightly--though I go alone,
Like to a lonely dragon, that his fen
Makes fear'd and talk'd of more than seen--your son
Will or exceed the common or be caught
With cautelous baits and practise." - Coriolanus in Coriolanus, act IV, sc. I.

Where it came from:
This is the first recorded use of this word and though it might only be lone+ly, you still have to give Shakey mad props for making this a common English word. I try to use this trick constantly and it never catches on. The other day I used the word gluteny in a sentence and the people around me were like "What? Gluttony?" And I was like "No, gluteny, as in filled with gluten, a protein found in wheats." And they were like "What?" And I was like "Just use it from now on." And they were like "No." And I was like "Oh."

Why it's important now:
Obvi because the above dude would have no way to express how emo he is. And don't even get me started on be nice to lonely people because you have to read the profile above and realize how much of a douche this guy is. I found him on OKcupid and he sent me this message:

Yes, this guy told me that he liked is men like he likes his coffee: Black. Really, a great way to show you are interested in a girl.

Also, lonely is an important word because it allows Kim Jong Il to express how lonely he is:

Road

"AT last, with easy roads, he came to Leicester,
Lodg'd in the abbey; where the reverend abbot,
With all his convent, honourably receiv'd him;"

- Griffith in King Henry VIII, act 4, sc. II.

Where it came from:
According to the Oxford English Dictionary Shakespeare developed the above use of the word "road" (meaning path on which one traveled) from the word "rode" (the action of riding or related senses). Billy Bob here wanted to convey not only the easy path which the man took, but also that the act of riding on them was easy as well. He wanted to ensure the audience was aware that it was an all around pleasant and easy trip. Unfortunately in prose you don't always have time to spell it out for the audience like I just did so Billy thought to himself, "Why, I'll just invent a new word and everyone will know what I mean." Unfortunately for Billy, no one really knows what he means half the time anyway so it was probably completely lost until now. Your welcome Billy.
There is also the unfortunate problem that Billy's audience was drunkards and prostitutes, meaning they wouldn't know if he made up a word or if the word was already there, because they didn't speak real English. And, before you even attempt to protest this, I must tell you Cockney rhyming slang is not real English. A language where you get Hampsteads means teeth because of Hampsteads Heath and than that rhymes with teeth is not a real language.

Why its important now:
Hello, have you been alive in the last 100 years? People say the word road constantly. I live on a road. We don't say "Path" or any bullshit like that. Think of all of the changes in childhood icons. No more "Yellow Brick Road" or "Roadrunner" or "Road to Eldorado" (which was actually an awesome movie that I wish I watch soon). There would be no "Abbey Road," "On the Road," or "The Road." No "road-rage," and we all know that is what we would miss the most.

Note: "On the Road" and "The Road" are VERY different books despite the title having a difference of only one word. The former is a coming of age tale of a road trip across America as well as the hipster bible, and the other is an apocolyptic novel drugging the depths of human darkness. I found this out the hardway while reading "The Road" and believing I was reading the other. Needless to say I could not figure out why in a story about a road trip there wasn't even a car and lots of cannibalism.

What's really cool about Billy Bob is that he also invented phrases that we use all the freaking time as well.

Break the Ice

"If it be so, sir, that you are the man
Must stead us all and me amongst the rest,
And if you break the ice and do this feat,
Achieve the elder, set the younger free
For our access, whose hap shall be to have her
Will not so graceless be to be ingrate."
- Tranio in Taming of the Shrew, act I, sc II

Where it came from:
Most people's complete knowledge of Taming of the Shrew comes from Ten Things I Hate About You, and while that is very entertaining and Heath Ledger looks AMAZINGLY hot in it, it's not exactly accurate.

Above: Hot Guy?

However, it is accurate enough to get the point of this quote across. In the quote abouve Tranio (the guy equivalent to the Douchey modeling guy) has just been convinced by Hortensio (The adorable, vest-wearing Joseph Gordon Levitt) to fund Petruchio's (Heath Ledger) courtship of Katherine (That blonde girl who looks like she has down syndrom) because then her little sister Bianca (The hot sister) will be available to be wed. Make sense? Better, because I am not going through that one again. Anywhoo, Tranio then says to Petruchio the above quote, and when he says "break the ice" they aren't thinking what we mean, they are thinking that Kate is an ice cold bitch and they have to litterally break her like you would a horse. Petruchio is determined to do it because, frankly, he will do anything for some pun-tang and some mula.

Note: Shakespeare also invented the word pun-tang.

Why it's important now:
How many "ice breakers" do you hear all the time? They invented games to break the ice, and I am not talking about the one featured above (although that one is awesome), I am talking about the ones where you go around in a circle and have to say your dream car or something ridiculous like that. Imagine if Liam here didn't write this, there would be no more really awkward moments the first day of class, no way for your teacher to single you out as a trouble maker when you say "a Kia" is your dream car.
There would also no longer be any wonderful one liners and bad jokes, like this one:
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice!
Oh man, 0h man. Those are classic.

Catch a Cold

"Why, that’s certain. 'Tis dangerous to catch a cold, to sleep, to drink; but I tell you, my lord fool, out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety."
- Hotspur in Henry IV Part 1, act 2, sc III.

Where it came from:
So the set up here is Hotspur comes up with a plan and someone is like, "Naw, trick, that be dangerous." And Hotspur is like "Bitch, pleezz, e'rythang be dangerous. Getting a cold is danger, sleepin' be dangerous. Damn, even drankin be dangers. Hold up tho, if my plan gets yo stupid ass outta trouble then we goin ta straight up pick a flower, cuz' that shit be safe."

Why it's important now:
You say I "caught a cold" every time you call in sick to your boss. You know you do, because if you told him you had a stomach virus he would know the truth, you are hungover. I find the best way to lie and get your boss to believe you is to go for something really embaressing that he figures you wouldn't say if it wasn't true. Such things as, I ripped one of my intestineds, I have explosive diarehha, I ate some fukku. These are all things no one is going to question, simply because no one is ever going to want to hear the details of that shit. Or maybe you really did catch a cold. That is also a probability.

Naked Truth

"The naked truth of it is, I have no
shirt. I go woolward for penance."
-Don Armando in Love's Labour's Lost, act 5, sc. II.

Where it came from:
In this quote Shakey uses the phrase as a pun because the dude didn't have a shirt. Get it? Haha. But, what is really interesting about this quote is that Billy here only put into words an image that had been around for centuries.

See the image above? Well it is called "Calumny of Appelles" and it was painted by Boticelli. Alright so get ready for some original Ana theorizing here, straight from the two semesters I skeeted by in Shakespeare and the one semester of Art History where I pretty much blew my instrutor's mind.
The above image was widely circurculated in Shakespeare's time as it was made in the Rennaisance and so it was finished in 1494ish. Anywho, Boticelli painted this image directly of off a description this other dude saw of a painting called "Calumny." While no one really know whats the original Calumny looked like or whatever, we have this guy, Appelles' description of it:

"On the right of it sits a man with very large ears, almost like those of Midas, extending his hand to Slander while she is still at some distance from him. Near him, on one side, stand two women—Ignorance, I think, and Suspicion. On the other side, Slander is coming up, a woman beautiful beyond measure, but full of passion and excitement, evincing as she does fury and wrath by carrying in her left hand a blazing torch and with the other dragging by the hair a young man who stretches out his hands to heaven and calls the gods to witness his innocence. She is conducted by a pale ugly man who has piercing eye and looks as if he had wasted away in long illness; he may be supposed to be envy. Besides, there are two women in attendance on Slander, egging her on, tiring [dressing] her and tricking her out. According to the interpretation of them given me by the guide of the picture, one was Treachery and the other Deceit. They were followed by a woman dressed in deep mourning, with black clothes all in tatters—Repentance, I think her name was. At all events, she was turning back with tears in her eyes and casting a stealthy glance, full of shame, at Truth, who was approaching."

So, you can see that the naked bitch is clearly supposed to be Truth. Shakespeare lived in a time where paintings from the Renn Fest were deeply revered and though you couldn't just look them up on google, there were still reproductions in engravings and etchings being passed around, as well as the descriptions being way more detailed than the one above. My theory is that my old friend Billy totes McGoats saw the picture, or a version of it and when he was writing is play later he was all like "Truth is totally a naked lady. haha." So then he used the words "naked truth" as both a pun as well as a reference to the Boticelli painting.

And what?!

Why it's important now:
This is the section where I am supposed to list all the famous things this phrase is in, but instead I am going to discuss Leslie Neilson. He is the only comedian who can take a terrible joke and make it hysterical by doing nothing other than just reading it aloud. This is why Naked Gun really deserves more consideration in pop culture. It is a hysterical movie. No one ever mentions it though. I just don't understand. Really, Leslie Neils and Shakespeare are like two peas in a pod.

The Best Thing about William Shakespeare:

Want to know why no one really thinks he is a real person? Because the name William Shakespeare, in his time, literally meant "Penis Masterbation." Look at it. It totally does mean that. It would be the modern equivalent of "Dick Jackoff." No one would take a guy named that seriously at all. But everyone knows Willy was a dirty old pervert and half of his shows, even the "serious" ones, were chock full of dirty, dirty jokes. Maybe that was because his audience was full of whores.

Six Things Society Outright Lied to Me About.

So my roommate Cat wrote this article recently called "Ten Things I wasn't prepared for in my post-graduate life" and it's pretty good, I wasn't prepared for a lot of those things either, but I think a more helpful article would be "Six Things Society Outright Lied to Me About." So I am going to write that article. Right now.

6.) If you are pretty, you will get free things.
If by free things you mean a case of syphalis and a hangover, then yes, if you are pretty you will get free things. The only truly free thing you will recieve as an attractive woman is sex and that usually comes with bad, bad consequences. Everything else that seems free is most definitly not. You get a bunch of free drinks? Well that guy will eventually expect something from you, whether it be your phone number or a hook up. He isn't just giving you those drinks to be nice. And now you feel awkward because he pressured you into accepting the drinks and now he is pressuring you for something else. This is why you have to remember that nothing is really free, so just don't accept the drinks to begin with if you don't want to turn the guy down later. Here is another good hint: Almost every guy you meet at a bar will be a huge dissapointment to you.
Guys who are creeping around bars aren't looking for girlfriends, they are looking for a one night stand. So never think a guy that you meet randomly at a bar has relationship potential. I don't know a single one of my friends who is in a relationship who met a guy at a bar. But just to be clear here, I mean meet a guy you have never met, nor have any ties to at a bar. If you meet a guy at a bar through a mutual friend it is a different story.
Back to my original point though, being pretty means that people want something from you. Just like every other good aspect about you.Your smart? People want to exploit that. Your funny? People want to exploit that as well. The world is basically filled with people who want to exploit you for your god given gifts and unless you are a jaded, sarcastic bitch like me, you will probably get taken advantage of. Just try to remember that nothing is truly for free.

5.) Chicks before dicks.
Every girl has heard this before. Guys have their own variation of it: Bros before hos. And both of these slogans might have been very helpful when you were in highschool, but once you graduate college they aren't true anymore. A guy that you are serious about will almost always come before a friend. Heres why: Money. Marriage isn't just a union of love, it's a union of money. And now that your money and his money are tied together, he is going to matter a little more than your friends do. It's just the truth. This is why when you start to feel seriously about a guy, even before you get married, he will come before your friends. Because eventually money will be involved. Those stupid slogans that society throws at us only work when you have an immature notion of love and no experience in it.

4.) If you have more than 4 drinks 3 times a week, you are an alocholic.
Alright this might horrify my mother, but I know that it is actually completely normal behavior for a young twenty-something. I drink almost every single night of the week and 4-5 of those days I blow right past 4 drinks. Am I an alocholic? Most likely not. If I am, then I am a very highly functioning one. With the above, very loose definition of alcoholism, I would be very definitely able to say that all of my friends and almost everyone I know is an alcoholic. With the exception of pregnant women.
People think you drink a lot in college. Untrue. You don't drink that often, but when you do drink, you drink enough to shame your family. When you graduate and are working full time you drink almost every day, and you have at least 3 drinks every day. Why? Because you hate your life and you want to drown it in alchohol. Really though, you do it because when you come home from work you can't exactly go out on a bender, and you don't have anything else to do, so you stay home and drink enough that you think your life is actually interesting.

3.) Working out will make you happy.
We have all heard that working out gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy. I think that is a whole lot of horseshit. I have never, ever felt happy after working out. I feel miserable because now I am tired and sweaty and in pain. Maybe I feel slightly accomplished, but in general I am usually still punnishing myself for eating that bag of popcorn and wondering if I burned enough calories to make up for it. And just like with the alcohol, no one really talks about it, but I am pretty sure the majority of Americans feel this way. Yeah, we all pretend we like to go running, because if we tell other people that then they will think we aren't as out of shape as we really are and also, maybe it will come true.
Yes, there are always exceptions, like the freaks like my little sister who really do like to run, but most of us hate it and are secretly scared to admit it because we think the world will then think we are fat. Here it is though, the world will think you are fat if you are fat, regardless if you claim to like running. Here is another thing, historically, beauty is based on what is hardest to accomplish. Back in the day being fat was considered hot because it was damn hard to be fat when you were poor and working the fields all day. Now being skinny is hot because it is damn hard to be skinny when you sit on your ass in front of a computer all day. So no, you won't like working out, but you have to do it if you want to be attractive, so like getting a job and paying taxes you just have to suck it up and do it.
Just a thought though: Wouldn't people be skinnier if we still played games like hide and seek like we would when we were kids? Why don't we do that anymore? Man, I would kill to play a good game of hide and seek.

2.) If you are dedicated, and work hard, you will succeed.
This is bull shit. Yes, if you are dedicated and work hard you will do well, but I think you learn pretty early on that there is no real quantifiable way to determine success in real life. Most base it on happiness and in todays society you will probably never achieve complete happiness. This is why no matter how hard I work, I am still unhappy, because my career means nothing to me. Maybe if I was on a different track I would be happier.
Its also bullshit because 50% of success is based purely on who you know. That's a damn fact.

1.) That there is such a thing as "the love of your life."
I don't even want to go too deep into explaining this one at the risk of giving you readers far too much insight into my psyche. It's pretty much a deep, disturbing cave that you can never find a way back from. Nevertheless I will say this, find someone good enough and stick with them. Its the difference between being a satisficer and a maximizer. Satisficers are almost always the happier of the two. If you keep rejecting men because they weren't your "Mr. Perfect" you are going to end up all sad and alone and at the ripe old age of 40 where you can't even really procreate anymore. Get married and pop out kids while you can, you are gonna love your kids a whole lot more than whoever the heck you married anyways.

Love Advice

I know, I know, I am not necessarily the best person to give out relationship advice, but in case you are an idiot and do want to hear my advice, I am prepared to give it.
While I was searching the web trying to think of cheap but fun dates (I have pretty much decided that they can't exist in the winter time) I stumbled across possibly the biggest idiot of all when it comes to love. This man, Greg Godek, has possibly the stupidest relationship tips I have ever read, yet the man has written several books and has even been on Oprah.
Now the man writes books that are supposed to advise men on how to treat their woman, and some of the tips are cute but overplayed. But some, some are down right creepy. Creppy enough that if a guy did them to me I would run away screaming in fear.
Here I'll give you some examples:

Tip: Gift wrap a wishbone in a jewelry box. Send it to her with a note that says, "I wish you were here."

Above: The only type of bones I am okay with accepting as a gift.

My Response: Why the hell are you sending me the bones of a deceased bird? Why is this a romantic gesture?!? "Oh hey, if you ever leave me I'll kill you and keep your bones" Is the message I get out of this insanly creepy gift.

Tip:Want to jazz up the presentation of a special meal?
Buy a little hunk of dry ice from a local ice house. Put it in a bowl of water and place it on your serving tray. You'll create wondrous, billowing white clouds!

"What are you hiding in the mist, honey? What is that? WHAT IS THAT!?!?"

My Response:You know what is really, very closely associated with dry ice and billowing smoke? Witches and Halloween. Are you trying to to make our house into a horror movie where no one can see and a murder and run around hidden in the haze? What's next? Are you going to break out a cauldron and start casting spells?



Tip:Hire a pianist to play during a romantic dinner at home.

Unless it's him. He is the only way this isn't creepy.

My Response: So it's just me, you and a complete stranger at our meal right now? Is this supposed to be a hint that you want a threesome or something?



Tip:Best movie kisses:
The Way We Were: When Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford kiss in front of her fireplace.
Life Is Beautiful: The kiss underneath the banquet table.
Gone with the Wind: When Rhett steals a major kiss from Scarlett while he's helping her escape as Atlanta burns.

I don't know how this wasn't considered the best kiss of all time.

My Response: Ok so this wasn't even a hint. How is this supposed to be helpful at all to men who are looking for relationship advice? Also, doesn't this seem like it was written by a gay man or a woman? Supposedly he is married, but I don't know a single straight male who would use the word "major" in that way or has ever enjoyed any Barbra Streisand movie. Also I don't think a straight man would ever even entertain a thought concerning the best movie kisses.

Tip: Mary was a Beanie Baby fanatic. Her husband, Bob, hired a custom doll-maker to create a "Beanie Bob" for her.

Above: The only appropriate doll to have of your husband.

My Response: 1.) What grown woman is collecting Beanie Babies? Is Bob actually a child molestore? 2.) I do not, nor do I ever want, a doll version of anyone I am dating. I honestly think that that might be the creepiest thing I have ever heard, well the wishbone thing was creepier.

Tip: This guy starts off with tips about hearts (why you need tips about hearts, I don't know), at it begins with things like "Make a heart-shaped pizza" or "Trace a heart shape in fogged up windows," but then it just jumps to "Have a heart-shaped pool built" and "Get a heart-shaped tattoo with her initials in it."

Above: The ONLY acceptable heart Tattoo to get. That is, unless your me because I have an ADORABLE set of hearts tattooed on my ankle.

My Response: I feel as though the ridiculousness between the gestures is aparent enough that there is no need for me to even point it out, however I must say that any man who thinks drawing a heart in a fogged up window is akin to getting a heart tattoo with her initials in it is a man who is clearly insane.

And this is honestly the last tip he gives:

Tip: Best way to create more time in your life: Shoot your TV

My Response: I dont know in what situation bringing a gun into your relationship would be acceptable. I think I would immediately break up with a guy who just shot his T.V. for no discernable reason and if he shot MY T.V. well I would take his creepy wishbone and shove it so far up his ass that his body would be ready to hibernate for winter. Any man who thinks that shooting something is a reasonable way to deal with your problems is a man you need to run from. I don't know how this Godek passed a psych evalutation let alone ended up making millions from his relationship advice books.

Demotivational Posters

At my work, mostly in the gym area, they have these motivational posters which are just about the corniest things I have ever seen. I think that this is pretty normal though. Below is actually one of the posters we have:

"Why yes, My working out is extremely similar to climbing Mount Everest."

So obviously when I see these things I immediately think of some of my favorite demotivational posters and where they would be appropriate around the office.

This one should definitely go in one of the conference room to remind us that some people don't even have chairs. Heck, if we sat on each other then I think we would be tons more productive.

This should be hung up in a hallway so that we can all be reminded that the letter d exists. I always forget.

Yeah, I don't know how this would help at work, but it sure is funny.

This should hang around in the bathrooms so that when you are in there, staring at yourself in the mirror and trying to psych yourself up for your big presentation, you glance at this poster and your hubris takes a shot in the balls. That's right, it doesn't matter about where you went to school or what you have accomplished in life, this monkey is riding a freaking bull! And that is a billion times more badass than you will ever be. Now go have a great presentation.

This should be hung up in every employee's cubicle or office, reminding them that their boss is always watching and they should probably stop blogging. Oh, wait...

This should be hung up right next to the bull-riding monkey in the bathroom, reminding you to always take chances. Maybe you will be abducted by a psychopathic serial killer, or maybe you get some awesome free candy, either way isn't not knowing what could have happened the real loss here?

This should be hung right outside of your superior's office to let everyone know that you need to be a submissive, whiney, brown-nosing bitch if you want to get anywhere on the corporate ladder.

This should also hang outside of your boss's office, letting you and all of the other underlings know that you will never be truly successful, unless you are an idiot who thinks finally getting the last of the wax out of his ear counts as success.

This is just funny. I don't just lol, but I actually laugh out loud when I see this.

This should be hung in my apartment, because now I know what I am going to do with Cat's sharpies next time she passes out. (Insert evil laugh)

This should be hung in the HR Department so that everyone who goes there to ask for a raise is reminded that you only need $17 to be a Gangsta.

The Voice of Cinderella is dead!

Alert!

I just found out that the voice of Cinderella, Ilene Woods, in Disney's 1950 classic, Cinderella, died of alzheimers on July 1, 2010. I'm sorry I didn't know about this sooner. It's so sad!

The Gay Mecca?

Now, I may be oblivious to most of the world and current events but I do know about the really important stuff. Or so I thought. This morning, while reading this article, I found out some extremely important information. That Palm Springs was a gay mecca. I thought it was San Francisco. Here I have been thinking about how awesome it would be to go to San Francisco and thinking about all the fun I could have with the gay men there when I should have been planning a trip to Palm Springs!

I don't want to sound like I am being sexist, or whatever the word is that is against the gays (maybe gayist? Note the above admission about being oblivious to the world), but here in this blog I make rash generalizations about every little colorful niche. That means asians, black people, white people, indians and even the gays are going to be lumped into my little stereotypical view of them. Don't worry, it's a positive one. This is why I feel the need to go to Palm Springs now, I miss my gay friends from dancing. The ones who would hold me and tell me how pretty I was constantly and I never had to worry about them hitting on me. They were also brutally honest and would tell me if the outfit I was wearing was just not working.

The other day I was getting ready to go out with this new guy I have been seeing and I ask Cat if I should curl my hair, she says "Idk." I then ask my straight friend Mike if I should curl my hair and he says it doesn't matter. Then later on, after it was to late to do something about it, the douche tells me I should have curled my hair. I know he was joking, but if he had been gay, or if I had a gay friend around, they would have told me straight up what I should have done with my hair. Gay men always know what will look the best.

This is excepting the Gay Couple With Out Kids (GCWOKs) on "How I Met Your Mother" who told Ted that he could rock the red cowboy boots. He couldn't.

Above: Apparently the only GCWOKs without taste since they are in the process of approving Ted's ridiculous cowboy boots.

Plus, if I have learned anything from "Moulin Rouge" it's that if you have a gay friend who wears sparkly things, he will always be there to save you from rape or falling to your death from bronchitis.

Now you may look at this pic and think, "Ok he is creepy looking, but could he really save my ass?" Well check out this next pic.

That's right, he is a badass who has an eye on your ass in a totally platonic way.

And as creepy as that castle was, Dr. Furter looked like he would be tons of fun in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show."

I mean, come on, he was so much fun apparently Lady Gaga took all her make up tips from him.

And despite most of my knowledge about gays stemming from pop culture stereotypes, I still feel as though I could connect with them during their harder times. I totally understood what Hedwig was going through in "Hedwig and the Angry Inch."

It's really difficult to walk through a crowded bar in those kinds of wings. Why, when I went out last Saturday I couldn't even make it through the door of the bar with my wings. I had to stand outside the whole night. It's really hard. And they shouldn't discriminate against those with fashion sense by building such small door frames! I got you Hedwig, I got you.

I miss my gays, enough that I now know my next vacation plans involve me going to Palm Springs. Even though I am not sure where that place is. I know that it is either in California or the East Coast's lamer version of California, Florida. I am going to put my money on California though because I don't think that the gays would want to deal with all the old people in Florida. And yes, I am quite aware that it is only one Google search away to figure out the location of this city. But does it really matter which coast the Gay Mecca is on? I think not.

I do want to say in all seriousness though: Should I have curled my hair before I went out with that guy? Do guys like curly or straight hair better? Do guys even notice hair?

Also, if you are a gay guy looking for a new bff, hit me up. We can go to a rave or something. I have never been to one of those before. I'll even buy a day-glo bra for it.

Top 8 Weirdest People I have ever known

I'm a pretty normal person, I grew up in the suburbs and I'm white. So I fit the 80's teen movie stereotype of a normal teenager. Regardless of all of this I have collected some very strange characters and personalities in my day. I mean, I'm talking a Simpsons' cast size of weirdness. But in all of that weirdness, I definitely have a top 8 weirdest people I have ever known. I am not talking about passing a random bum on the street, I am talking I have had, at some point in time, relationships with these people. And, here is the thing, I think these are pretty standard weird people that everyone else has known as well. You have all had friends like this, just like I have. And yes, a few people might lump me in with the people listed below. But I am talking in extremes here people.

8.) That OCD friend who takes way too much medication.

Maybe they are really organized or maybe they have to wash their hands 3 times in a row, the severity of this depends on the person. They probably also go to the doctor for every little thing and have a pill and perscription for diseases you didn't even think existed, but you know they don't have. They have an uncanny similarity to Monk, from "Monk."

My friend Jenn is about the most OCD person I have ever met. She honestly does have a pill for everything, from adderall to xanax. She also cleans an obnoxious amount. I'm not hating, becuase she cleans my room sometimes, but she is incredibly strange. But I guess it worked out good for her because now she organizes shit for a living.
This is the least weird one because we can all be a little OCD about certain things.

7.) That girl/guy who acts like they are from the ghetto even if they have never been there.
Everyone knows someone like this, who despite being born and raised in an affluent area, insists that they are from the "streets." This is mostly offensive to those who truly did grow up in the streets. Jamie Kennedy made an entire movie about this.

In high school I knew a girl named Elizabeth, who despite from being from the suburbs of Virginia acted like she walk straight out of Anacostia. When I knew her I had hair down to my butt and I was talking about cutting it all off for locks of love. She says to me, "Why you goin cut it off an' give it to dem cancers. Dey jus goinna die anyway. Givvit to me an' I'll make a nice jerry curl out it." Seriously she said that to me. She might have been stupid, which would explain the accent, but she got pretty good grades and she was in all honors classes with me. I really have no reason behind the idiotic comments she would constantly make.
One summer she went on a trip to Puerto Rico and when she came back she had what appeared to be a snake bite on her leg. When I ask her about it this is what she told me, "So I was jus sunbathin' an shit on da beach, when outta nowhere dis fuckin gorilla pops out da jungle and bites me!" I replied with, "What did he do after that surf away?" I was joking of course, but she didn't understand that. Elizabeth: "Yeah! He grab somes' surfboard an hops into the sea!" I still don't know what really happened to her leg, but for her to come up with that desperate of an explanation, I'm not sure I want to know.
This kind of person is ranked low because even though they are incredibly annoying, they are mostly harmless.

6.) That friend who just makes shit up for no goddamned reason.
This might be the most annoying out of all the types because you can never tell what is the truth and what is an outright lie. Everything you say she has to top you, even if it doesn't make any freaking sense. Just like Penelope who Kristin Wigg plays on SNL.

The difference between Penelope and your friend is that what Penelope says comes true, what your friend says doesn't. I had this other friend in highschool named Lilly who would just say the most ridiculous things like that she owned a castle in France. Earth to Lilly, they are called Chateaus in France and anyone who actually owns one would be snotty enough to make a big deal about the difference. Just like yatch owners do about the difference between a yatch and a boat. Yes, us commoners know they are named different things, but because we don't own one we aren't going to call one thing by two different names.

A yatch is a boat for godsakes!

Anyways, she also once told me Michael Jackson was her dad. Now that I think about it, she might not have been purpously lying, she might have been straight up dilusional. Who in their right mind would want Michael Jackson as their father? I mean, if you are going to pick a celebrity to lie about, why not pick one without severe mental problems? Personally, I would pick Caleb Deschanel as my dad because then I could be sisters with Emily and Zooey Deschanel. And that would be AWESOME!

Above: The best sisters ever, that is after Elle and I.

5.) The older dude who creeps you out.

Maybe he was in your neighborhood growing up, maybe he was a regular at your favorite bar in college. He was the creepy old guy who, for some reason, never realized how creepy he was. Just like that guy from "Family Guy."

I knew one of these guys during college and I know another one right now. The current one is known as the Bethesda Bopper and he looks to be about 80+ years old but for some reason decides to come to Union Jacks every single night. I swear I see him there constantly. He comes and he creeps and he does the same dance move over and over where he is stepping from side to side and just bopping his head. I don't think I have ever heard him speak, but I have seen him get down once or twice (I am talking he got low like he dropped his booty to the floor) and it was not a pretty picture.

The guy I knew in college, let's call him James in order to spare some feelings, wasn't nearly as old, maybe only 50+. But he was almost creepier because he was a highschool teacher who would come to college bars to hang out with his former students. He and I developed some weird relationship where I pretty much felt bad for the dude and let him hang around. He would come to my birthday events and even my graduation party. He never hit on me but man, it was weird.

4.) The guy who you just can't figure out what they do for a living.

This is the guy who hangs around and you just for the life of you can't figure out how in the hell they make money. I'm not talking you don't know what they do because they are so important like Barney is in "How I Met Your Mother."

Above: The Definition of Awesomeness

No, I am talking about the guy you don't know what he does for a living because he doesn't seem to have a job, but always seems to have money. This guy isn't necessarily scary or anything, and maybe he is even really likable. He just doesn't seem to exist outside of your life. I am talking about a guy like Kramer.

Again, to spare feelings, I will call the guy I knew Robert. This guy I hung out with after I graduated and before I got a job so I was still living off my parents. Robert and I would hang out all the time because, like me, he had nothing to do. Difference was, he wasn't living off of his parents so how in the world did he support himself. He was a really nice guy, but you can be the nicest guy in the world and if you don't have a legitimate explanation for how you support yourself, you are creepy. It left me imagining he was some sort of professional hitman who worked for the local crime syndicate. Maybe he even had a fancy nickname based on how he executed his victims like Chef if he liked to boil his victims alive like a lobster.

On a side note, I think boiling someone either as a way to kill someone, or after they are dead would be an excellent way to clean up after yourself. I suppose it would kill DNA and remove a whole lot of evidence from the body, like gun powder residue and things like this. It would also comprimise the flesh causing issue with IDing the body as well as cause of death. I suspect more people don't clean up this way due to the issues one would have gaining access to an instrument that would be capable of boiling a human body. Access alone to something of that nature would make it easy to tie you to your victims.

3.) The guy with anger problems.

Speaking of horrendus murders, another very strange person we all know is that one guy who has severe anger problems. This guy is totally normal one minute, talking to you about work while you are drinking coffee, then you accidentally spill a little bit of coffee on his shoe and he becomes this:

No one wants to mess with Christian Bale from "American Psycho" or really just Christian Bale at all because he seems like kind of a douche. My girlfriend, Em, dated a guy named Will who was exactly this crazy. Though the craziest thing we thought he did (break a window into her apartment) turned out to be an accident caused by a drunk neighbor. Still will was crazy enough she had to get a restraining order against him. I never really got why they dated in the first place, apparently he had a giant pimple on his ass which he would ask her to pop from time to time. Yeah, that sounds like a real winner.

2.) The sketchball.

This is the guy who you don't know what he does, because you are afraid to ask. He can get you anything, no matter how bizarre, you just have to ask. Skunk meat? Yeah, he has a guy for that. He has a guy for everything. Sometimes he is a really handy guy to know, he got you a really good discount on that truck rental when you moved. Other times, he scares the shit out of you when he tries to see if you are in the market for some vague hunting excursion where you test your skills against nature's smartest animal. He is kind of like Charlie or Frank from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."

Above: You can't always be sure exactly what kind of meat Charlie is eating.

Above: One plus side of being the sketchy guy, awesome pajamas.

Not because I am scared of hurting his feelings, but because I am scared of him, I am going to call this one K. Now I knew K in college and his appearance alone was sketchy enough, he didn't have a leg. Then he would get talking and his random accents, from places you could never quite pinpoint, made the whole experience of K that much weirder. He could get you anything you wanted, but you never quite knew where it came from. I learned very early on not to ingest anything he gave me. He also believe my Celiac's Disease was a government conspiracy and so he gave me these pills that would supposedly cure it by introducing some sort of culture into my stomach. I took one and I had digestive problems for months afterwards.

He would also lie about stuff, but the difference between him and the girl who lies for no reason is that K never realized he was lying. When he thought he could be a one legged porn star, he really believed that. And honestly, good for him. He truly believed in himself, no matter how weird his ambitions were. I know a few people who could learn from his self confidence.

1.) The straight up crazy.

I used to be really ashamed of this, but it has been a few years and now I stopped caring, once I had to take a little stay in the UMD Baltimore Hospital wayyyy back when, in the mental wing. I was just there for depression. It really was not a big deal at all, but the people they housed me with were down right freaky. I mean, they were insane like Drusila from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

Above: "But this IS my happy face"

There was this one woman, Jackie, who was a billion times crazier than the rest. And that is including the woman who thought that my coloring was so wonderful she took a picture I colored, framed it, and gave it to her granddaughter as a birthday present. I swear the night Jackie got her period was one of the most disturbing nights of my life. I can't go into details of it bust lets just say she thought the menstral blood was fingerpaint and the linolium and the walls of the common area were her canvas. The woman couldn't even speak real words she was so crazy.
But, I am sure that you know someone like this, maybe not as extreme, but similar. This person is a good check for yourself. If you start to resemble her in anyway, you might want to rethink your life. She sure scared me straight into sanity.