12 Reasons why I think the world will end in 2012

Usually I am right - scratch that - I am always right. That's better.
Yes, I am always right, which is why you should being paying my words heed when I proclaim that the world is ending in 2012. I may have no "scientific" evidence to back this claim up, but then you can't spell "scientology" with out "Scient" and we all know scientology is a load of crap so we can only assume that science is as well. But I do know that as readers you will want evidence as to why I think that the world will end in 2012 so I have created a list of 12 reasons why I think the world will end in 2012.

12.) The recent vampire craze / Stepheney Meyer.

I am not condeming all vampire realted TV Shows, books, movies, or what have you, in fact, I am an avid fan of True Blood. No, I am specifically pointing to the Twilight Series. The fact that this piece of shit masquarading as a novel was able to become a phenomenom is absolutely mind blowing. Call me a literature snob or whatever but I attempted to give this book series a fair shot. I read the whole first book. And then I vomited. I felt as though I might have actually have become stupider after reading it. Dear God, it is one of the most read books in America. Why can't our youth have such an appreciation for Wuthering Heights, or if they are into fantasy, The Stand. I think the fact that this book became a best seller is a sure sign of our impending doom.

11.) FourLoko gets outlawed.

When they out lawed Four Loko, it seemed like the governement was taking an intentional dump on me. I loved Four Loko, I loved it like it was a family member. It was therefore me through the goodtimes, like my graduation party, and the bad times, like that terrible camping trip my friends convinced me to go on. Four Loko never deserted me, until now. Don't worry Four Loko, I know it's not your fault, it's the U.S. governments fault. And when the U.S. government starts taking away my best friends like this, I think it's safe to say that this is a sign that the end of the world is near.

10.) Hulu Plus.

In the early 1900's Aliens invaded the earth using a subtle strategy that was to lead to their eventual take over. They began invading the arts. Then, in the 70's, they invented Hulu as a way to speed up their takeover. It was ingenious, by getting us addicted to watching the T.V. on the computer, they were melting our minds away. In a 2009(or around that time) ad campaign they came right out and explained it all to us, usuing one of their most successful creatures, Alec Baldwin. But America never realized that Hulu wasn't joking. America just laughed away. Perhaps this has to do with our brains already melting.

Now Hulu has taken another step towards their ultimate goal of world domination, Hulu plus. Hulu plus is the most magnificently horrible thing to ever happen to me. It keeps me trapped in my bed for hours at a time, unable to accomplish even the most menial task because I cannot stop watching every single episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in order. Soon, everyone will be paralyzed by the convenience of having every episode of your favorite shows available for your watching for only a small monthly fee. We will watch these shows with a hypnotic obedience and eventually we will no longer have brains at all. At this point the Aliens will assasinate all public political leaders and secure their position as the human race's new masters. This will happen in December, 2012.

9.) Starbucks downsize.

Just like the animals who have a supernatural ability to sense when something is inherently wrong with the earth so they retreat, Starbucks has begun it's retreat. It used to be that you couldn't through your empty soy mocha cup without hitting a Starbucks, now, you might have to walk up to two whole blocks before encountering one. GASP. The Starbucks are downsizing because they know the world will end and they are utilizing their escape plan while they still have time. By the time December 2012 rolls around, there won't be a Starbucks in sight.

8.) MonsterQuest.

By proving that so many monsters (which had become staples in not only my child development, but in my view and perception of the world and how it works) don't exist, this show has fractured the delicate human psyche. I know I am not the only one who cried when it was proven that the Loch Ness Monster doesn't exist. This show's lack of boundries when it comes to the human condition is a recipe for disaster. People will begin to riot if they are ever able to prove Bigfoot doesn't exist. These riot will grow in size until there will be no SWAT team in the world that can supress the people. Think: UMD riot where the couch was lit on fire times one billion. Yes, that big. And all because the producers at MonsterQuest coudln't control themselves.

Note: The MonsterQuest crew has not been able to prove that Bigfoot isn't real, they were unable to find evidence that suggested he wasn't real, however they haven't found any evidence to suggest that he is real. They have been able to prove that Hogzilla is real, or at least a form of him is, so there's that.

7.) Global warming.

I don't really have anything to say about Global warming other than it ruined my graduation by dumping a foot of snow on it and then tried to ruin my graduation party by sending snowmaggedon. Bitch. I will say that this is definitely a sign that the end of the world is close.

6.) Reality TV.

The complete downward spiral that television has taken recently is a clear indication of the end of the world. I think the above picture is all the explanation needed.

5.) The economy.

Even though I currently work in Investor Relations, I don't even begin to grasp all of the components of the economy. I also don't even try to keep up with politics so I am unsure of what the politically correct thing to say about the economy is now-a-days. What I do know is that it is in the shitter. I know this mostly because it is extremly difficult to get a job. I think that this will ad a lot of desperation to the riot started by MonsterQuest. It will add looting as well.

4.) Nostradamus.

Below is the quatrain by Nostradamus about the world ending in 2012:

"During the appearance of
The Bearded Star, the three
great princes will be made
enemies. The shaky peace on
earth will be struck by fire
from the skies. Po, The
winding Tiber, a serpent placed
on the shore."

MABUS will soon die,
Then will come a horrible
slaughter of people and animals
At once vengance revealed coming
from a hundred hands
Thirst and Famine when
The Comet shall pass"

Continue reading for my explanation of this.

3.) John Cusack.

John Cusack made a movie about how the world will end in 2012 and he doesn't lie. If he says the world is ending in 2012, it is. Though not in the way the movie says it is.

2.) Mayan Calandar.

I went and visited the Yucatan peninsula once and while I was there I saw a whole bunch of Mayan ruins. This makes me a certifyable expert on Mayans, according to myself. Now their calandar says the world will end in 12/2012. I have looked at the calandar and verified this information myself. The Mayans, like John Cusack and Shakira's hips, don't lie. If their calander ends in 12/2012 it's because thats when the world ends, not because they simply ran out of space like the above completely inaccurate, though somewhat amusing cartoon depicts.

1.) Because I said so / Little Women.

In Little Women one of the girls dies, and right before she dies she says something along the lines of "I don't really care that I die becuase while you guys were planning for your futures, I wasn't really planning on anything. So I am not disappointed at all because I never planned anything for me to miss out on. I think this is a sign that I am supposed to die."

So here is my deal, I haven't really planned out my future either. I guess I have a lot of different things that I would like to be, but nothing that I felt an intense need to be. In fact I can't really see myself past Decemeber 2012. Now, I don't think this is due to my impending death (well maybe it is in a way), but I think this is due to my impending death and ressurection.

Check it: I am reasonable sure that my body is going to be the vessel to house the anti-christ. This is why I drew the above picture where my eyes are shooting laser beams to cause an explosion.

My theory about all of this crap: MonsterQuest will start a riot and the terrible economy will fuel the anger of the rioters. I will join in the riots because MonsterQuest upsets me so much and due to the fact that I don't have a job so I have nothing better to do. During the riot I will raid the Jersey Shore house because I honestly cannot figure out why any of them are famous. In an attempt to defend himself from me, Pauly D will start DJing as a defense mechanism. The simplistic and annoying beats, along with his attempt to dance and Snooki's squealing will eventually kill me. Do not fear readers! I will rise again relatively quickly as the anti-christ.

As the anti-christ I will incite the rapture which will allow the aliens to begin their takeover. Me and my minions will battle the Hulu aliens and eventually win. Global Warming isn't global warming at all, but instead it is the earth gradually turning into hell and I begin my reign of terror.

Now when I am the anti-christ, you all are going to love me for a while because you are oblivious to my evilness. Then you will figure out what I am and half of you will hate me, because I am the anti-christ, and the other half will love me still because you have it in your twisted minds that things that are inherently evil (like vampires) are actually good inside. Next thing you know it looks like this huge comet is hurtling right at the earth, a la Nostradumus' prediction. I call up Bruce Willis and convince him to take out the comet with some sort of missile or whatever they use in the movie. My immediate reaction to call on Bruce Willis pisses off Robert Duvall and John Cusack and the three fight, just like Nostradamus said they would. But Bruce Willis ends up destorying the comet and the earth is all good.

I realize that I didn't need the comet to destroy earth, because I was already destroying it, and even though I am the anti-christ, I turn over a new leaf. I become super good. So good that the Jews think that I am their Messiah. The Devil gets pissed at me, but I'm like "Whatevs" and go on doing my humanitarian thing. But I shouldn't have ignored the Devil like that because then he kills me and the earth gets super destroyed. Then the Russian end up nuking everyone on 12/21/2012, including themselves.

Incase you hadn't guessed it, I am MABUS. I know this because if you give numerical values to each of the letters they add up to 56 and if you give a numberical value to each of the letters in my college nickname, analbin (It's not what you think I'll tell you in a sec), they add up to 53. Both of those solutions are in the 50's, proving that I am MABUS in Nostradamus' quatrain as well as the anti-christ.

BAM! I just blew your mind.

Note: My college nickname was analbin not because I was a bin for anal but because of an unfortunate screen name my mother created for me for a housing website. They combined my first and last name together in possibly the most humiliating way possible. It was very hard to find a room mate on that website because of this name. I embraced it though and ended up with possibly the most awesome graduation cap ever. Maybe I'll post a picture of it sometime.