My Wedding

It has recently come to my attention that my friends and I are closing in on the marrying age. And while I find the idea of being married anytime in the near future absolutely repulsive, I have begun to make a few preparations for the big day.

I am not talking about crazy stuff here, I am simply talking about planning the ceremony, which will be centered around yours truly.

Even though I am not even close to finding a guy to marry, I have planned out the part where normal people would be walking down the aisle. Since most of you who are my readers will be a part of the ceremony in some way I will inform you how it is going to go down.

First of all my wedding will be on a boat, even if it is a garbage boat, it must be on a boat.
Second of all the ceremony will not be at an altar, or a church, it will be on a stage. Proscenium arch and all.

It will begin with my bridesmaids, dressed as in the picture below:

Yeah, you should thank me, because you all will be looking FIERCE!
They will begin by dancing down the aisles with the grooms men, who will just wear normal tuxedos, to the song "Moondance" by Van Morrison. Don't worry, I already have it choreographed.

They will reach the stage just about the time the song ends, and FLASH! Pyrotechnics go off - but wait - glitter rain downs from the ceiling a la Moulin Rouge style as I make my entrance slowly descending from the ceiling in a giant birdcage. I begin to sing "Somebody to Love" by Queen, the whole time I remain in the birdcage. I cannot reveal my wedding dress at this time. That will remain a surprise.

Once the song is over, my husband rises up out of the ground, releases me from the birdcage, and then we begin to sing a spunky duet of "Baby, I know it's true" by Hellogoodbye.

Next A priest swings in via Tarzan Rope, and wait, it's my brother (he happens to be ordained) and he reads us the vows. Instead of answering the traditional way, my husband and I reply by singing "I Do" by 98 Degrees.

You thought it was the last song, you thought it was over, no no no. Next thing you know you are surrounded by a Chorus of black gospel singers who join those in the wedding party for a very soulful rendition of "I'm on a Boat" by The Lonely Island.

The Pyrotechnics go off again and everyone who was previously singing is gone. It's now time for the reception. Just wait to see what I have in store for that.

Mother: you might want to skip over this one.

The best songs to hook up to, and the circumstance in which they should be used.

Hella Good - No Doubt
Why: This beat is just incredibly sexual.
When to use: When you just can't control yourself anymore.

Remix to Ignition - R. Kelly
Why: Because this song makes hooking up feel like the easiest thing to do in the world.
When to use: When you feel like a super pimp.

Pomp and Circumstance - Sir Edward Elger
Why: You just graduated to Man hood
When to use: When you are hooking up for the first time, or when you are with a Cougar/Silver fox.

Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden
Why: It's one of the greatest love ballads of the 90's
When to use: When you want a loving, slow, and beautiful hook up.

Every Breath You Take - The Police
Why: I am not even going to explain this one.
When to use: When you want to have an 80's hook-up.

I'm A Slave For You - Britney Spears
Why: This is one of the sexiest music videos ever made.
When to use: When you want to be just a little bit of a slut.

Bad Things - Jace Everett
Why: It's the theme song for one the of sexiest T.V. shows of all time, True Blood.
When to use: When you are feeling a little bit country.

Girl I Want to Make You Sweat - UB40
Why: Although when I first heard this song I thought it was about rape, after really examining the lyrics I realized that it is about pleasure.
When to use: When you are on a cruise boat or just feeling very island-y(yes, I just made a new word).

The worst songs to hook-up to, but you know that you have to try it once anyway.
Maybe it's just me, but whenever I tell myself, or someone else tells me something that I shouldn't be doing, I immediately want to do it. So I am going to list out the songs you should never hook up to, and then I am going to do it. I will most definitely post the outcome on here later.

Jizz in My Pants - The Lonely Island
Nothing is more sexy than premature ejaculation.

Any Snow Patrol Song
I do love Snow Patrol, but all of their songs are just way too depressing. It would ruin the mood right away.

I Dreamed a Dream - Les Miserables
A woman on her death bed talking about how a man slept with her and then ditched her is a sure fire way to get a girl in bed.

Memory - Cats
Singing about how I used to be a lot prettier really gets me going.

Hakuna Matata - Lion King
Whenever I am making out I like to think of precious moments from my childhood.

Not Big - Lily Allen
I think the title is pretty much all the explanation needed.



***I will post videos of all of the songs shortly***

When I am famous I am totally going to do this

HYSTERICAL!

How did I only find out about this today? Hilarious!

You can read the whole article at the Huffington post. Soo Gnarley, and incredibly funny.

Hunky actor Channing Tatum talks about his penis in the new issue of Details, specifically the on-set accident that burned it quite badly last fall.

Filming "The Eagle of the Ninth" in Scotland, Tatum had to wade into freezing water in a wetsuit.
He explained:

"The only way to keep warm was by pouring a mix of boiling water and river water down your suit. We were finally done shooting for the day, and one of the crew guys asks if I want to warm up before I go. I'm like, Nah, I'm good. And then I thought, Why not? Thing is, he'd forgotten to dilute the kettle water. So he poured scalding water down my suit. And I was trying to pull the suit away from my body to somehow get away from the boiling water, and the more I pulled the suit away, the lower the water went. It just went straight down and pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick."

He was rushed to a hospital, put on morphine and eventually healed. But Tatum, best known perhaps for his lead role in "G.I. Joe," saved pictures of the damage and showed them off to the interviewer.

Channing Tatum's penis is gross. It looks like a hot dog that's been left too long on the grill. The tip is hot-pink, singed, and shriveled. It appears angry. And it's painful to view. My penis hurts just from looking at it. Movie stars tend to be vain, by nature and profession, but Chan--that's what everyone calls him--does not mind one bit showing me his sad, withered wiener.

"It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life," he says, flipping through photos on his iPhone until he lands on a grainy snapshot of a scorched member. His scorched member. "I'm good . . . now," he says with a grin. "Now my penis is fantastic! One hundred percent recovered. Put me back in the game, Coach."


WONDERFUL!

Don't mess with Ana

So in the mornings I always struggle with watery eyes. Only it doesn't look like watery eyes, it looks like I am crying. I DO NOT CRY. I DO NOT CRY. Just so we are all clear here: I DO NOT CRY.

Friends, I ask you? When have you ever seen me cry? Never? That's right! Because, I DO NOT CRY. Maybe I will get a little teary-eyed when I am watching a particularly sad movie, like Bolt, but I DO NOT CRY over stuff that happens in my own life.

Crying makes you weak and inferior. You are exposing your weak side, and you no longer have an edge.

Now don't get me wrong, I can fake cry on command, or at least I used to be able to. I haven't needed to use that manipulation tactic in years. But it is a good one to get out of moving violations.

Earlier today while waiting for the metro I began to wipe my eyes because the were watering and a man came up to me and asked me why I was crying. I was truly offended. I don't think someone has said something that offensive to me in years. I became so incredibly infuriated that I froze like a deer in the headlights. I couldn't think of anything to say, but rage was bubbling up inside me and I became my very own Mt. Vesuvius. I didn't know what my next move was going to be but I knew I had to seek revenge for this humiliation.

As he was staring at me, waiting for a response, a train pulls up to the plat form. Here is my chance. I allow him to stand in front of me as we are waiting for the doors to open, carefully I am planning my attack. Then, just as the doors open, I assert my dominance all over his stupid face by running past him, stepping on his toe, and taking the last seat.

Wooo, I showed that betch. Don't mess with Ana.

I run this shet, should be called OkAna

So even though I am so freaking awesome I have absolutely no trouble finding men. However, I did sign up for this dating website called okcupid.com mostly because it is free and I like to laugh at some of the men on there.

And this guy has to have one of the weirdest profiles on the entire website:

I am sad-eyed, soft-furred, and highly snuggable.

My Self-Summary

yeaah, i know i'm adorable and practically irresistible .. but we are here for that tall fella at the other end of the leash, my loyal master ..

what can i tell you about him? he's dependable, witty, affectionate, and has a ready sense of humor, especially when it comes to picking on me (sigh) but hey the guy is fun and spontaneous to hang out with so i don't mind him keeping me on my toes with his child-like antics ..

he tends to favor azure but off-beat vacation spots like the -hotelito escondido- in the -pacific coast- of -mexico- but also likes to kick back and relax at home

what else .. master r. is quite into nature (yeahhhh - that means long walks by the river where i can run wild!), music, theaters and the arts, films and literatures (sigh) ..

he prefers organic and simply prepared dishes such as those
at -makoto-, -buck fishing & camping- and -black salt- but also gets the craving sometime for a messy half-smoke at -ben chili bowl- .. of course, i'm only happy when he brings home a doggy bag of bone-in morsels ..

master r. is also quite active and athletic (running, swimming, yoga, kayaking and is in a indoor soccer league) .. he likes to get up too early and go for a brisk run and workout before i and my sidekick -sky- take him on our walks ..

he then put on his -clark kent- get-up as a -it- technologist and disappears until sundown (sigh)..

why am i doing this for him? well, he was with someone for quite a few dog years but has beensingle for almost a year ..

now that springtime is here and he is ready once again to frolic in the grasses, go chase a stick and roll in the mud, so to speak .. i'd like to hook him up with a gal who:

1) likes me a lot and believes in treats
:-) :-) :-) (tail waggin')

2) has a good sense of humor and is open-minded, culturally adventurous, personable and prefer indigenous cultures, secluded beaches and independent excursions over tours and all-inclusive resorts

3) has her own things going in life and is self-assured and happy within ..

he believes that a relationship is sustained in the long run by treating the other always with fairness and understanding through open, no-fault communication

so long for now young ladies and may your water bowl runneth over, your spirit unleashed, andyour bed pad warm and toasty ..

yours, Blue the dog

On a typical Friday night I am

waltz dancing to "Blue Danube" with my wide-eyed damsels, Blue & Sky

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here

is that I like it when you bite

You should message me if

~ if you believe, as i do , that sometime the wonders of life, the magical tickets to all its best rides, are found inside a hurrily trampled over unmarked envelope on the sidewalk of life, addressed to the one who picks it up ~



This guy then proceeded to ask me to go sake bombing with him on friday. I said no but he has been non stop messaging me.

I purposely made my profile as RIDICULOUS as possible, and for some god knows why reason I think it is making men MORE attracted to me.

Here is my profile:

I am avant-garde, specialinagoodway, and awesome.

My Self-Summary

I am a 21 year old recent college graduate who works in D.C.
D.C. chillin
P.G. chillin
My name's Ana and I came to get it.

I’m really good at

Its hard for me to single things out here because in general, I am just so freakin awesome that I am perfect at everything. I am especially talented at playing the bagpipes.

The first things people usually notice about me

How fly I am. And my face. But how could you not notice someone's face?

The six things I could never do without

Air.
Water.
Earth.
Livable Temperatures.
Nourishment.
Some place to use the bathroom.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Salt. I really, really, really, really, really like salt.

On a typical Friday night I am

Hopefully sake bombing. Sake bombing is one of my all time favorite things to do. So hopefully at any given time I am sake bombing. So most Friday nights I sake bomb then my friends and I hit the town. And by hitting the town I mean we get a little inebriated and then we begin to yell, throw and do the most inappropriate things we can think of. (I would have been grammatically correct here, but "of which we can think" sounds way to classy when I am talking about being drunk.)

You should message me if

You are not easily offended.




Yes, I did mention using the bathroom in my profile, and Yes, I have been asked on several dates so far. Even though I told every one that I really only ever thought about Salt. Either these men have excellent senses of humor, or they are the weirdest people ever.

Oh and here is like the best part!

You are supposed to post a Journal Entry about what your dating experiences have been in the past and here is mine:

Let's get down to Business...

May 18

To defeat the Huns
Did they send me daughters
When I asked for sons?
You're the saddest bunch
I ever met
But you can bet
Before we're through
Mister, I'll make a man
out of you

Tranquil as a forest
But on fire within
Once you find your center
you are sure to win
You're a spineless, pale
pathetic lot
And you haven't got a clue
Somehow I'll make a man
out of you

I'm never gonna catch
my breath
Say good-bye to those
who knew me
Boy, was I a fool in school
for cutting gym
This guy's got 'em
scared to death
Hope he doesn't see
right through me
Now I really wish that I
knew how to swim

(Be a man)
We must be swift as
the coursing river
(Be a man)
With all the force
of a great typhoon
(Be a man)
With all the strength
of a raging fire
Mysterious as the
dark side of the moon

Time is racing toward us
till the Huns arrive
Heed my every order
and you might survive
You're unsuited for
the rage of war
So pack up, go home
you're through
How could I make a man
out of you?

(Be a man)
We must be swift as
the coursing river
(Be a man)
With all the force
of a great typhoon
(Be a man)
With all the strength
of a raging fire
Mysterious as the
dark side of the moon

(Be a man)
We must be swift as
the Coursing river
(Be a man)
With all the force
of a great typhoon
(Be a man)
With all the strength
of a raging fire
Mysterious as the
dark side of the moon

Somehow this profile of mine has generated so much buzz that Okcupid felt the need to message me about creating higher standards for the men that I was willing to talk to. Admittedly, I had no standards because it all began as a joke profile. But now I think I might seriously take a look into all of this.

One of the guys who messaged me was a cute doctor who was doing his residency at Johns Hopkins. If he asks me on a date, how could I say no to that?

Wish me luck, my dear readers and Let me know what you think of all this. I suggest you go on there for yourself. It's very entertaining.

I think I will begin weekly postings of the random profiles I come across. Its too good not to feature on here.

I think its a huge accomplishment when I manage not to accomplish anything

So far these past couple of weeks have been out of control busy for me. So that's why my blog is slacking. But, lucky for you, my good old friend Jenn has started her own blog! So if you wanna read some funny shet, but not as funny as my shet you can go there!

And BTW, I have not received any picture requests in a while. Help a girl out here.

I am working on a very special picture as a graduation present for my friends that will be posted on here later today. Be excited. Very excited.

Damnit! I guess Ella Lynne is out the window.

According to this article, Sookie is the 14th most used baby name for girls. Are you freaking kidding me? What the hell is wrong with people! Why in the world are you naming your CHILDREN, not your pets or stuffed animals, but your CHILDREN after a fictional character in a t.v. show. And it's not even a normal name, it's a super weird name to begin with.

Not to mention apparently you all have ruined the girls name I have had picked out for years, Ella. I can't name my child something normal. My child has to be named something weird like me.

You know what? NO MORE BABY TALK. It is making me a little, actually, very nauseous.

Ok we are allowed to talk about the weirdest baby names ever. I have done some googling and found the weirdest names.

4real Superman Wheaton

4real Superman Wheaton was born in February 2008. The New Zealand court has taken issue with his name because numerals are not allowed in names. The parents, however, are debating this law. If they cannot name him 4real, they will make his name "Superman," officially, but friends and family will call him "4real." They were inspired when they saw the baby for the first time under the ultra-sound and discovered he was "for real!"^[1]

GoldenPalaceDotCom Silverman

GoldenPalaceDotCom Silverman is a $15,000 name. The Internet casino GoldenPalace.com bought the name on eBay from expecting parents, and got more than it paid for in media attention. The branded baby was born in May, 2005. Actually, the little guy was not the first GoldenPalaceDotCom, a mother of five, Terri Illigan, sold her naming rights for $15,199, and changed her name to GoldenPalace.com, as well.^[1]

Savior God Scientist Allah

Savior God Scientist Allah was the name of a 16-month old Michigan boy. Unfortunately, he died after falling from a seventh story window on April 20, 2006.^[1]

Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappa

Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappa is the youngest child of Frank Zappa. Her siblings are Moon Unit Zappa, Dweezil Zappa and Ahmet Zappa. Apparently, she was screaming louder than any other baby in the nursery, and that's how she got the name "Diva." And I suppose "thin muffins" make you scream, too. ^[1]

Espn Malachi McCall

Espn Malachi McCall (pronounced "Espen"), born in August 2001, is the youngest of three children in the world known to be named ESPN. Like Espn Curiel in Corpus Christi, and Espn Blondeel in Michigan, McCall's parents are sports fans. His middle name means a biblical messenger of God, so they sometimes call him "the sports messenger." If they have another son, they will name him Fox Sports McCall.^[1] y mama ween

Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K.

Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K., pronounced, "Your Highness," was born in February of 2003 to Evelyn and Kendall. This name is (in case you missed it) a reference to the illicit drug ketamine. ^[1]

Lleieusszuieusszesszes Willihiminizisteizzi Hurrizzissteizzi

Lleieusszuieusszesszes Willihiminizisteizzi Hurrizzissteizzi was a resident of Los Angeles; appears in Robert Ripley's second Believe It or Not! (1948).^[1]

Dick Assman

Dick Assman is a Canadian service station owner. His name propelled him to international celebrity status in 1995, after David Letterman discovered him. On the show, Joe Namath declared himself an "Ass-maniac" and Tony Orlando performed a musical tribute. Afterwards, Assman received a number of contracts for commercial appearances, as well as many marriage proposals. Who doesn't want to be Mrs. Assman?^[1]

Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116

Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 (pronounced Albin) was a name given to a child by the parents of a Swedish family, which they described as "a pregnant, expressionistic development that we see as an artistic creation." The name was rejected by a Swedish court and they were charged a fine. The child’s name was later changed to A (also pronounced Albin), but this too was rejected. On his first passport, the boy's name reads "Icke namngivet gossebarn," meaning "unnamed little boy."^[1]

@

@ was the name that a Chinese couple attempted to give their child in August 2007. Li Yuming, the deputy chief of the State Language Commission, did not say if officials accepted the name. The Chinese, though familiar with the @ symbol, often use the English "at" to sound it out. With a drawn out "T" is sounds something like "ai ta," or "love him," in Mandarin.

found these names here

Here are some great Celebrity Names:

#20.

Kal-El

Child Of: Nicolas Cage

Fun Fact No. 1: Nic Cage likes comics.
Fun Fact No. 2: Nic changed his last name from Coppola to Cage in honor of Marvel character Luke Cage.
Fun Fact No. 3: He named his kid Kal-El after Superman.
Fun Fact No. 4: Why didn't he name his kid Luke?

#19.

Pilot Inspektor

Child Of: Jason Lee

Jason Lee is a pretty funny dude. Maybe, you've seen a Kevin Smith movie or the first season of My Name Is Earl. Maybe, sometimes he should stop trying to be so funny, like when he named his kid "Pilot."

Why "Pilot?" Because he heard a song by the band Grandaddy (called "He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot"). If the man had just waited for eight more tracks on the same album he could have named him E. Knievel Interlude which is equally ridiculous, but in a far more awesome way.

#18.

Fifi Trixibelle

Child Of: Bob Geldof and Paula Yates

The Irish singer and songwriter Geldof named his daughter Fifi after his aunt, and his wife was fascinated with the lifestyles of southern belles, hence the last part. But Trixi?

God knows where that came from. Maybe, they just decided to throw in as many dog names as they could.

#17.

Apple

Child Of: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris "You Know How I Know You're Gay? You Like Coldplay" Martin

At first, we assumed the naming process went a little bit like that time Newton invented gravity. You know, he was eating an apple or something. We never paid attention in History. Anyway, Gwyneth explained the name on an episode of Oprah back in August of 2004. Her exact words were:

"Right, well, um, basically it was because when we were first pregnant, her daddy said, if it's, basically one day he just said if it's a girl I think her name should be Apple. And I just, it sounded so sweet, and it conjures such a lovely picture for me, you know apples are so sweet and they're wholesome, and it's biblical and it's just, they're so, and I just thought it sounded so lovely and ..."

Obviously, Gwyneth has no clue why she named her kid Apple, either.

#16.

Coco

Child Of: Courteney Cox and David Arquette

According to Wikipedia, the most trusted source on the Internet, they were originally going to name the baby Courteney Cox Arquette, but this went against David's Jewish traditions, so they named it Coco after a nickname Courteney used to have. Courteney decided this was a good name after she decided she didn't want her daughter to ever get a spot on the Supreme Court.

#15.

Kyd

Child Of: David Duchovny and Tea Leoni

We enjoy a whimsical play on words as much as the next website, and the Duchovnys apparently shared a hearty chuckle at the thought of being able to shout, "Hey, kid!" and secretly know it was spelled with a "Y." If you go that direction, why not take it all the way and go with "Phatboi" or "Rhettard?" Both will stay funnier a lot longer than "Kyd."

#14.

Sage Moonblood

Son Of: Sylvester Stallone

OK, we might let this one fly considering Moonblood is Sage's middle name. Plus, this is Sly Stallone, here. Let us take this opportunity to link to that John Rambo trailer yet again. What we're saying is the name probably had to have the word "blood" in it somewhere, and the kid's lucky he didn't wind up with Scream Stabblood.

#13.

Destry

Child Of: Steven Spielberg

Whenever we put this name into Google to find out why anyone would name their baby this, it just brought up the word "Destroy," which actually makes us feel a bit better about it.

Some old-school GI Joe fans have implied that Destry is merely the feminine version of Destro. We'll have to research that, but if true, it comes off here and goes right on the Most Awesome Baby Names list.

#12.

Maddox

Adopted child Of: Angelina Jolie (and Brad Pitt)

Without any research, it's fairly obvious that Jolie named their adopted son after the Internet celebrity Maddox, probably after dismissing Gabe, Tycho and Lowtax.

#11.

Memphis Eve

Child Of: Bono

A pretentious baby name coming from a smug, pretentious man like Bono shouldn't be much of a surprise. The man does call himself Bono, after all. This is also the same person that bought a first-class plane ticket to transport his favorite hat to a concert location.

But really, "Memphis Eve?" Does that even make sense? "One more day until Memphis, kids!"

#10.

Ocean

Child Of: Forest Whitaker

The last King of Scotland actually did explain why he named his son Ocean. His words:

"I want those names to be their destiny, for my daughter to be honest and my son to be expansive. I try to be like a forest, revitalizing and constantly growing."

That's very inspirational, and we do hope his daughter is inspired by the ocean to become expansive, rather than becoming huge, salty and smelling of fish.

#9.

Prince Michael II/Blanket

Child Of: Michael Jackson

You can really chart Michael Jackson's journey into Crazytown with the naming of his children. When his first kid was produced somehow in 1997, he gave him the pretentious but not-quite-insane name Prince Michael Jackson. In 2002, another boy comes along and Michael, completely out of name ideas, calls him Prince Michael II. You'd expect his nickname to be "The Revenge," but instead Michael started calling him "Blanket."

It's such a great example of how a completely innocent word, given the right set of circumstances, can be nightmarishly disturbing.

#8.

Rocket Rodriguez

Child Of: Robert Rodriguez

But you might say, "Cracked, Rocket is such an awesome name!" OK, but you've got to try to imagine this kid having a life outside of porn industry. After all, imagine you're about to be put under on the operating table, and the nurse leans over and tells you your heart surgery is going to be performed by Rocket Rodriguez. OK, that would actually be pretty awesome. But seriously, imagine if the kid ever wanted to run for President ... wait, no, still awesome. OK, we may have to reconsider this one.

Interesting Tidbit: Rocket has four younger siblings: Racer, Rebel, Rogue and Rhiannon. Yeah, Rob has a thing for alliteration.

#7.

Blue Angel

Child Of:The Edge (From U2)

Not one, but two children of U2 band members making the list! Coincidence? We think not!

It's telling that Edge could so easily have just left it at "Angel" and given the kid a perfectly normal name. Nope, he's The Edge and dammit, it's important the kid have a weird name that's difficult to explain, and reminds people of those stunt fighter pilots.

#6.

Audio Science

Child Of: Actress Shannyn Sossamon

It's true that Shannyn Sossamon just barely qualifies as a celebrity, but she forces her way onto this list with this exceptionally bizarre name.

We learn with this entry that the only thing sadder than a pretentious baby name is a failed attempt at a pretentious baby name that ends up sounding like the name of a class at a local community college.

#4 & 5.

Moon Unit and Diva Thin Muffin

Children Of: Frank Zappa

We've piled all of Frank Zappa's ridiculous kid names into one entry, rather than let him dominate half the list (He named his other kids Dweezil and Ahmet).

He was a funny guy, rest his soul, but as with Jason Lee earlier it's really not cool to saddle your kid with a goofy name just so you can chuckle when you see the birth certificate.

#3.

Moxie Crimefighter

Child Of: Penn Jillette

Apparently, Jillette's wife had no middle name, and their theory was that you never use the middle name anyway so why not have some fun with it. This does not explain the "Moxie" part.

#2.

Tu Morrow

Child Of: Rob Morrow (from the TV show Numb3rs)

Now, we've just about reached the lowest of the low. Below the wacky joke names, and the pretentious hippie names, we have the pun names. Tu Morrow.

We've heard tales of these people; the ones named "Mary Christmas" and "Candy Barr" and "Ruby Cox." It's not only the worst kind of name, it's the worst kind of humor. "Tu Morrow?" That's not one of those things that starts out funny and then wears out its welcome with time; that stops being funny before you say it. It doesn't get any worse than this.

#1.

Jermajesty

Child Of: Jermaine Jackson

We stand corrected.

you can find the above article here

Now I really have to get on my shet. I need too get really creative when I am thinking of baby names if I want to beat any of these betches.

Hmm, I really like Crimefighter as a middle name, but I am no copier.

If you had a child really young you could name it Jungle Juice in honor of the powers that led to the night it was conceived.

What about Dark Princess Fairy Bright. That name is so freakin hysterical because I bet you a million bucks some loser out there on the internet would think that it is incredibly beautiful. Anyone named that is bound to die alone playing WOW and petting her cats.

I would really, I mean REALLY like to name my son John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt after one of my all time favorite songs. If I ever marry a man I tots McGoats name my son this. And mother, this is not a joke. Not like the soy sauce or the climbing mount Everest or the parallel universe of coats. This is for real what I plan on naming my son.

As for the daughter, this one is a little more tricky... I have it! I will name my baby daughter Vyvance Stiletto. We will call her Barbie for short. This is great because she will be named after 3 things I love so much, Vyvance- my time release Adderall, Stilettos - you know I love my shoes, and Barbies - yes, I have graduated college and I still have a Barbie collection, not to mention that my mother still gives me one for xmas every year.

Boo ya. Best. Child's. Names. Ever.

Ching Chong Ping Pong

So many people are aware of my weird and intense passion for salt. Well that love is carried over into soy sauce. Oh I could drink an entire Kikoman bottle of soy sauce if my friends didn't constantly deem it "inappropriate." They never let me have any fun. You know what would be a great money making scheme? Me taking bets from my friends over how much soy sauce I could drink.

If anyone would like to place a wager I would be happy to attempt the feat. Especially if I was able to pick the day that I could chug the elixer from heaven. When I am hungover, oh nothing seems too ridiculous to eat.

What if I mixed soy sauce and sake and drank that? Oh I bet that shet would be delicious. As many of you know, I like to keep the ingredients for sake bombs on hand in my apartment at all times. It is EXTREMELY important that I am able to do a sake bomb every Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. So what if I mixed it up this time and did a sake soy bomb! ohhhh I bet it would taste like buddha (I assume that buddha tastes very delicious).

But, I digress from my original point. Which was my love of soy sauce. To many people it seems a little contradictory that I love soy sauce and sake bombs, but I dislike Asians. Now let me clear this up for once and all. I DO NOT dislike Asians. I dislike China, and I don't even dislike all of China. I only dislike very specific aspects of China and I will list them all out for you here:

-Their government & lack of free speech.
-Anime
-Hello Kitty
-The weird ass meats that they eat.
-Those weird coffee shops where there are like 50 cats walking around.
-Their obsession with Ping Pong
-The crazy high population

I am sorry if you found that offensive, but I am not even gonna try to pretend like this blog is politically correct.

But their are somethings I love about China, mostly the weird stories my friend Chen Wang Pang tells me about her time in China. Yes her last name is Wang Pang, and that is one of the reasons why I love China, is that they have last names that just play into the racist stereotypes. Like the one that goes "You know how Chinese people name their kids? They drop a spoon down the stairs and the noises it makes on the way down become the kid's name" Wang Pang Ching Chong Ping Pong Shrimp Fried Rice.

But Asians really do have THE BEST NAMES! My favorite one comes from this guy who I work with. His name is, and this is seriously and literally his name, Phat Dong.

I feel like every man in America wishes that was his name.

I googled "Funny Chinese Pictures" and the below picture of a t-shirt came up. I really think I should buy this for Phat Dong because It would be HYSTERICAL when he wore it.

yo-yo master

When I saw this video I burst out laughing in the middle of my dead silent office.



Apparently this guy duped SEVERAL Midwestern news shows into believing that he was a yo-yo champ.

here is another clip:

Soooo Bored

I am a little bored right now, so I have been going through several websites, Like

askville.com

Tower of Teddy Bears

zombo.com

And

Idiot Test 2
I got to the "Crazy Smart" level before I failed, and then you have to restart it from the beginning which I don't wanna do so I am going to be a satisficer and be okay with the score I have.

And before I went through all these websites, I spent about 30 minutes trying to swallow my own tongue. I think I came incredibly close to actually doing it. But then I got freaked out about what would happen if I actually did swallow my own tongue. What if I choked to death in my cubicle because I tried to swallow my own tongue. That would be soooo funny. One of the weirdest deaths of all time.

I now know how I want to die.

Well according to this article about tongues, the only way I could swallow my own tongue would be if I cut it off and then tried to swallow it. Gross.

A friend of mine told me how he wanted to die once. He said he would go to the top of a building and tie one end of a piano wire around his neck and another end to the building. He would then super glue his hands to his head and jump from the building. The piano wire would completely decapitate him and he would fall to the ground with his head in his hands.

Thats pretty clever. But if you are that bent on dying, are you really gonna wanna go through that much effort to die a certain way?

I'm the Quizmeister

I like to take quizzes, mostly because they just tell me how Awesome I am all the time. Here are some results:


Well we all knew this already.

You Have an Extremely Active Imagination

Your mind is vivid, lively, and colorful. There is a lot going on in your head. You have the ability to make pictures and movies in your mind. You are extremely visual. Your creativity knows no bounds. You don't put restrictions or limits on your thoughts. You have a gift that other people wish they had. So exercise that imagination as much as you want!

How Active is Your Imagination?

Blogthings: If Quizzes Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Take Quizzes

Not the Octagon? Oh well Beefy McManstick is a pretty sweet name for my penis.

Your Penis Name Is: Beefy McManstick

Keep it in your pants!

Penis Name Generator

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

Apparently in my past life I was a whale. Interesting. This would certainly explain my love of plankton. No seriously, Egg and Batter then deep fry some good plankton or krill, oh that shet is soo good.

You Were a Whale

You see the unseen and connect on the deepest level. You help others find their soul's song.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

Work is Hard. Time for Blogthings!

Don't they realize that this is my name already? Duh! Everyone knows that they are to address me as "Analbin, Empress of the Great Oceans."

Your Vampire Name Is: Empress of the Great Oceans

I never knew what life was until it ran out in a red gush over my lips, my hands!

What's Your Vampire Name?

Blogthings: Free Quizzes for Everyone

I am an artist right now. I mean haven't you seen these super sweet pictures I have posted?

You Should Be an Artist

You are incredibly creative, spontaneous, and unique. No one can guess what you're going to do next, but it's usually something amazing. You can't deal with routine, rules, or structure. You're easily bored. As long as you are able to innovate and break the rules, you are extremely successful. You do best when you: - Can work by yourself - Can express your personality in your work You would also be a good journalist or actor.

What Should You Be When You Grow Up?

Blogthings: We're Not Shrinks, But We Play Them On the Internet

Thats right the name Ana rocks. I inspire betches with my name!

You Have an Inspired First Name

You are a highly original and naturally creative person. You are always thinking outside the box. You are have adventurous spirit, and you are extremely energetic. If you love something, it's easy for you to stay motivated. You have your own unique take on the world. Your views are both independent and progressive. You aren't shy about living a bold and interesting life. You are a bit stubborn and headstrong when it comes to what you believe in.

What Kind of First Name Do You Have?

Blogthings: If Quizzes Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Take Quizzes

Well I am really not afraid of anyone. But it would be super Awesome if I actually did have horns like this. I read an article that discussed how you can shape coral into the shape of horns and attach them to your head. Apparently because of the high calcium content of coral, the human body will accept the horns and begin to attach them to your actual skull. Yeah that's right, I have done my homework, which included reading that one article and watching a certain Bones episode, don't be surprised if next time you see me I happen to have horns. I would look like a wood nymph. Once upon a time I played the role of a wood nymph in a staged production of "The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe."

As a method actor I insisted on living in the woods and scavenging for my food for 3 months before Opening Night. Ever since those wonderful, magical days where I truly embodied the character of a Wood Nymph, I have been longing to relive that experience, only with greater attention to detail. This is why I believe I will get horn implants and live out the rest of my days in a meadow, somewhere in Georgia (the biggest wood nymph population is in Georgia). I will frolic and jump and dance and twirl and spin and hop and skip...

You Believe That You're Fearless

You may not be the strongest person, but you have a lot of perseverance. You don't give up easily, and you're in it for the long run. You have incredible endurance. You respect people who are brave and try to do their best. Effort counts for a lot in your book. You have no respect for people who are paralyzed by their fears. In your opinion, that's just a life wasted.

The Horns Test

Blogthings: Take a Quiz. Annoy Your Friends.

I just took this one for Alyssa and Jessie:

Your Dream Guy is Edward

You are a true romantic, and for you, love is a very emotional and passionate thing. You want to be wooed, charmed, and even seduced. You have old fashioned ideas about romance. You don't mind being with a protective guy like Edward, as long as he has your best interests at heart. You like being taken care of completely, even if things get a little intense at times.

Who's Your Dream Guy: Jacob or Edward?

Blogthings: We're Not Shrinks, But We Play Them On the Internet

Well now that you are all now aware of how incredibly impressive I am, I will now actually do the work I am paid for. You know, after I am updated on my perez. As a ta ta for now present I will leave you with an image of a b-e-a-utiful man:


Dear Mr. Beau Biden,

I am hear to comfort you as you are going through these very emotionally and physically taxing times. Let me know if you need anything, and I mean anything (Wink). Please don't let this stroke ruin your very handsome face.

Love,
Ana

But you can call me Bananarama if you want Beau.

Why Hello Mr. Biden you are S-E-X-Y

I don't know how many of you readers are aware of hot HOT Beau Biden, Joe Biden's son, is, but he is really cute. He is like a sexy Michael Scott. My new celebrity crush.

Ana's Top Ten Most Disgusting or Strange Pick-up Lines That DID NOT Actually Deter the Man.

Many of those who know me are aware of my compulsive lying. Now, I don't do this to just anyone, mostly just men I meet at the bar. I feel a deep urge to just make up the most ridiculous lies I can, or I say the most ridiculous things I can. I really enjoy pushing it as far as I can possibly go and see how much a man will take. In College Park it is especially funny because men will deal with just about anything to get laid.

So with that bit of background information, I introduce "Ana's Top Ten Most Disgusting or Strange Pick-up Lines That DID NOT Actually Deter the Man." (Yes, I hate to admit it, but these lines sometimes actually made men become MORE interested in me.)

10. "Our names are Anastasia and Katrina and we are Russian twins."
Ok so you might say, "Well men LOVE twins why is this so strange?" The strangeness mostly has to do with the fact that this was what I would tell men FROM EUROPE about Cat and I while we clearly had only American accents. Yet, they still seemed to believe us. Not to mention that I still don't really see much of a resemblance between Cat and I.

9. "You look like you just walked out of a 'Lord of the Gays' parade."
It was really the shirt he was wearing. But this one goes so low on the list because I think that most men might try harder to actually change my mind after I would say this to them.

8."I'm a Mexican Chicken."
Oh this one is an inside joke, but it involves a sombrero, the cluck-u chicken man, and many cervezas.

7. "Look I really physically do not have a cellphone"
This man COULD NOT take a hint.

6. "blah-haha-blugh-hem"
That was the sound of me vomiting. This is one of the most iconic of all my anecdotes, but it is ranked so low because it actually wasn't a pick up line. Basically I was seeing this guy (we will call him Wings because of the intense amount of hair on his back and the manner in which this hair was shaped) and when he asked me to be his girlfriend I vomited all over his face. No, I wasn't very drunk at all. Yes, being his girlfriend seemed that disgusting to me. Surprisingly he continued to try and date me. I had to end it though after he took me to his away weekend and I saw him with his shirt off for the first time.

5. "How do you feel about Light-saber lava? I really only date men who are world wide champions."
Now this line I actually use pretty frequently. You see it does two things, it filters out the jocks and jerks while it draws in the nerds and geeks. Yes, I am proud to admit that I am a nerd and geek lover. The dorkier the better. So while to some men they find this a really strange thing to say, other men think that it is the hottest thing I could ever say. But regardless of drawing in men, I really, truly do refuse to date anyone who won't play light-saber lava with me. It is truly and deeply my favorite sport.

4. "I am actually only 14, I just hit puberty really early."
This one sometimes has an unexpected effect. When men become more interested in me after I say this I get a little creeped out.

3. "The smell of vomit is such a turn on."
I use this one at Santa Fe in CP a lot. For some unknown and appalling reason that bar ALWAYS smells like vomit. So when a man approached me in Fe the other night I had the PERFECT opportunity to send him running. Only he really didn't seemed that disturbed by what I had just said.

2. "I polished these buttons with my own urine."
I really don't know what possessed me to say this, especially since I liked the guy I was talking to. Maybe I just have the weirdest sense of humor. But he actually thought that that was the most hysterical thing ever.

1. "I am actually still a man and I am just waiting on my sex change operation."
I really thought that this would be the most offensive thing I could possibly say to a guy at Cornerstone, but for GOD knows why he actually offered to buy me a drink. This just goes to show you HOW desperate men are to get their decks slippery when wet.

Mother: Don't read this post.

Last night it occurred to my friends and I that if you simply replace the word "world" with the word "vaj" in the song "A Whole New World" the song becomes incredibly sexual. So I took the liberty of posting the revised version below. You will be surprised at exactly how little I had to change to make it this incredibly inappropriate. My favorite part is (and I seriously had to change none of this) when they say "Take you wonder by wonder/ Over, sideways and under/ On a magic carpet ride."

Girl: I can show you my vaj
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, drunk man, now when did
You last let your deck decide?

I can open your legs
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new vaj
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

Boy: A whole new vaj
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way down here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new vaj with you

Girl: Now I'm on a whole new deck with you

Boy: Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless carpet ride

Boy: A whole new vaj
Girl: Don't you dare close your eyes
Boy: A hundred thousand things to see
Girl: Hold your breath - it gets better
Boy: I'm like a shooting star
I've cum so far
I can't go back to where I used to be
Girl: A whole new vaj
Boy: Every move a surprise
Girl: With new positions to do
Boy: Every moment gets better
Girl: I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new vaj with you

Girl:A whole new vaj
Boy: A whole new vaj
Girl:That's where we'll be
Boy: That's where we'll be
Girl: A thrilling chase
Boy: A wondrous place
Girl: For you and me

One person's infection is another person's entire world

So I had to go buy a new pair of shoes while I was at work because the shoes I was wearing ripped in half. I taped them back together with packing tape, but my boss suggested that I go buy a new pair and not look like trailer park trash with one shoe being taped together.

I went and got and new pair of shoes and said pair of shoes gave me HUGE blisters. But being the kind of person I am, I decided to just pop them and go play kickball. Now one of my popped blisters is very infected. I would say that I regret this incident, but the infection vaguely looks like a cottonball or a mature dandylion. That in turn makes me think that I have a whole world filled with "Who" like creatures on my ankle.

Only I wouldn't have "Whos" I would have "Ands." "Ana asks an And" would be the title of my story. I would ask my Ands so many questions. I would ask my Ands really important philosophical questions like, "What if there was a fish who was really poisonous, and the Shark ate this fish and then died. Would you rather be the shark or the fish? Both died, but would you rather be eaten or poisoned?" These kind of questions say a lot about a person. Another really important question: "If you were to compare me to a character on Scrubs which one would I be?" And other questions that not only reveal a lot about someone else, but reveal a lot about how they see me. You see, I am an excellent dancer like Turk, I have intense daydreams like J.D., and I am a little bit of a spazz like Elliot. So I exhibit traits from all three of these characters, but which one do you think I most closely resemble? (Readers post your answers to both of these questions below.)

I would protect my Ands from those betchy monkeys and other birds. But if the mayor ever tried to lecture me about treating people right I would just douse him in some Neosporin, and be like "Betch please."

And my Ands wouldn't celebrate Christmas so there would be no Grinch. They celebrate the Sun God and the Spider Woman and a trickster named Eye-Juggler tries to steal all their feathers. There is not a Grinch stealing presents.

Oh Sylar, your eyebrows really turn me on

Like I love to do, I recently sat and watch every single episode of "Heroes" back to back. And while I was watching the show I fell madly in love with Sylar. So hot, so creepy, so smart, such perfectly groomed eyebrows. All my favorite traits in a man. How could I not fall in love. But on top of that he is HYSTERICAL as well. Too bad he swings the other way or I would so be tryina.

Check out this shet.

Also if you can, watch So NoTORIous. Even if you don't like Tori Spelling it is absolutely worth watching just for Zachary Quinto (Sylar).

Special Agent Ceily Booth is a HUGE Disappointment

I used to be madly in love with David Boreanaz. He was mister Ceily Booth, my true love! How can I ever love him again after this!

You broke my heart David.

Team Kicktease

Here is the logo I created for my kickball team, Kicktease:

so hot.

Tony Award Noms

So the Tony award nominations are in:

Best Play

In the Next Room or the Vibrator Play
Next Fall
Red
Time Stands Still

Best Musical

American Idiot
Fela!
Memphis
Million Dollar Quartet

Best Revival of a Musical

Finian's Rainbow
La Cage aux Folles
A Little Night Music
Ragtime

Best Performance by a Leading Actor in a Play

Jude Law, Hamlet
Alfred Molina, Red
Liev Schreiber, A View from the Bridge
Christopher Walken, A Behanding in Spokane
Denzel Washington, Fences

Best Performance by a Leading Actress in a Play

Viola Davis, Fences
Valerie Harper, Looped
Linda Lavin, Collected Stories
Laura Linney, Time Stands Still
Jan Maxwell, The Royal Family

Best Performance by a Leading Actor in a Musical

Kelsey Grammer, La Cage aux Folles
Sean Hayes, Promises, Promises
Douglas Hodge, La Cage aux Folles
Chad Kimball, Memphis
Sahr Ngaujah, Fela!

Best Performance by a Leading Actress in a Musical

Kate Baldwin, Finian's Rainbow
Montego Glover, Memphis
Christiane Noll, Ragtime
Sherie Rene Scott, Everyday Rapture
Catherine Zeta-Jones, A Little Night Music

I am going to be really upset if Sherie Rene Scott doesn't win the Tony. There is no actress on broadway that is more talented than her.

Monday list of Hate

Since I have actually been doing work all day long I have unfortunately been unable to update my blog today. But don't worry my readers, this just means that you will have tons of awesome pictures throughout the rest of the week.

But, because it is Monday, here is my hate list for this week:

10. The Chinese Government.
Do I really need to explain this one? The best thing China ever did was give the US the plot line for Mulan, which in turn produced one of the greatest songs ever made: Make a man out of you. I love me some Donny Osmond.

9. When other people have fun while I am forced to do something boring.
If you had more fun then me, I really DO NOT want to hear about it. Just shut up and let me go on living in denial .

8. When people give me answers to the crossword puzzle.
This is not a two person activity. I don't want to hear what you have to say.

7. Gwyenth Paltrow
You can just look at this betch's face and know that she thinks she is better than you. With her stupid hair and her stupid husband. She is about as Aryan as you can get. I mean she married the lead singer of Coldplay for God's sake. Whore.

6. Blisters on the bottom of your feet.
Then you have to pop them, and while this can be fun and satisfying, you without a doubt forget to grab a cloth or something to wipe the juice coming out with. Now you have to go get a cloth but because the blister is on the bottom of your foot you are getting the juice all over the floor. Then when all the juice is out, your foot is still sore because there is only a thin layer of dead skin protecting the new skin. Hey body! I would rather just use a freakin bandaid. You unhelpful son of a shitcock.

5. Time's 100 Most Influential People of 2010.
Mostly I am just furious at Time for not naming me number 1. Who is Oprah? No one has ever heard of Oprah. Now Ana? Yeah, everyone knows who Ana is.

4. Kangaroos
I know I may seem like the most logical, rational person ever, but I have a deep seeded hatred for Kangaroos that is really unexplainable. I think its their pouches. That's just disturbing. I think about if I had a giant pocket on my stomach, permanently attached, would I put my spawn in there? Hell no, I would put my shet in there so I would never have to carry a purse again. I dislike all animals that aren't inherently selfish. I think that is why I hate kangaroos.

3. When people open their mouths while they are chewing.
If you do this, you are disgusting. Nothing is less appetizing (except for chocoteeth) than watching someone eat with their mouth open. It is actually repulsive.

2. Lefty Standers
This is especially annoying at stations like Dupont Circle, Adams Morgan and Friendship Heights, where the escalators are so incredibly long that if you don't walk down/up them you will spend 10 minutes riding them. So I HATE it when lefty standers make it so that I can't walk down/up. And what I hate even more are the lefty standers that actually give me attitude when I tell them to move. You are ruining my day. RUINING MY DAY.

1. Chocoteeth
So those who know me know that I find poop to be pretty hysterical. One might even say my sense of humor is on par with a 5 year old boy when it comes to poop jokes. But I accidentally stumbled upon a poop joke that is so incredibly disturbing and disgusting that I puked a little when I saw it. If you google Chocoteeth, you will come upon a video of a man actually brushing his teeth with his own poop. This is one of the few times that I am ashamed of a poop joke. So incredibly repulsive.