So, I am very aware of my strangeness. It is something I feel great pride over, really, I do. And one thing I have a tendency to do is give things personalities when they really don't have them. Like punctuation. I know punctuation doesn't have a personality but to me the period is like the PC guy and the comma is a hipster and a colon is like Rambo and a semicolon is a big scaredy cat guy. Also 9's are really mean and capital letters are like a lonely rancher. Lower case letters are like the chimney sweeper in William Blake's "The Chimney Sweeper."
I have lot's more, actually it will get really weird. Letter's have personalities as well, Y is a gay guy. O is a christian creationist. G is just like Walt Disney.
Anyways, I have always thought that that was just me being super weird and shit and I never really put a whole lot of thought into it. Because, really, it doesn't matter what-so-ever.
But today I found out about this disorder called Ordinal Linguistic Personification. And basically it is just like what I explined to you about just giving shit personalities that don't really have personalities. It's a form of Synesthesia where your senses interpret things differently. Synesthesia is actually super common apparently, about 1 in 23 have it. So there could be a possiblity that I do have OLP. Not that it really matters in any way.
But I also give personalities to things that aren't things you find on a keyboard. Like pencils which are kind of goofy trouble makers. And soda cans are fat idiots like tweedle dee and tweedle dum. Hand lotion is a french woman. They didn't describe those things in that article so maybe I am just bizzare. Which is totally cool with me.
What do you think? Do I have OLP or Not?
Monday, January 31, 2011
Two pairs of pants: A true story.
I just pulled a pair of pants out of my pants. I am not even joking. I accidently left a pair of pants inside the pants I am now wearing and when I went to scratch my ankle i noticed there was something weird about my pants so I pulled on it and then I realized I was pulling another pair of pants out from inside my pants. I pulled the pair all the way out and stashed them in my desk.
What I want to know is how in the world did I manage to do this? How did I not notice there was a second pair of pants in my pants? Am I that unobservent? What else have I not been noticing my entire life? And also, is this the first time this has ever happened to me?
What I want to know is how in the world did I manage to do this? How did I not notice there was a second pair of pants in my pants? Am I that unobservent? What else have I not been noticing my entire life? And also, is this the first time this has ever happened to me?
Friday, January 28, 2011
Your 8 Personalities.
So I'm at work right now and I'm thinking: "Ana, let's face it: you are really super awesome! But, here's the problem: No one at work knows how awesome you are because if you exposed your true personality people might go insane from the awesomeness: actually, they would probably be very confused and just not get you, you know? Anyhoo, a lot of people don't know how awesome you really are because you seem to have a multiple personality disorder where you act very different in front of different people: well it's not so much different but a controlled output of what you are actually thinking: and it's probably not just you, everybody probably does this: but not everyone has what seems to be an unhealthy obession with colons: they aren't the same things as periods you know: okay, they are kind of similar: like a double period in case a single period wasn't badass enough for you: you should stop now though it's getting annoying: really stop: no, seriously Ana's brain, you need to stop now: AHHH!"
In that last part I killed my brain by injecting a condensed mountain dew syrum straight into it, through my pupil. That is why I got to use the exclamation mark. That is also why this might not be the best article. And because I damaged my pupil, there will be no pictures either.
8.) Your church personality
Like an onion, there are many layers to your personality. The fakest will be your personaliy in church. But first, I have to ask (shit I don't want to use colons, or maybe I really do?) *insert badass period-like thing that can also be the eyes in a smiley-face* Why the hell are you in church? Seriously, why would someone reading my blog be in church? Oh, I get it, you watched Hunchback of Notre Dam recently and saw that a church was a place of sanctuary where cops won't arrest you. Now you are on the lamb and are hiding out in a church to save yourself. That is also why you are lying out your ass to the nuns over there about why you are really here and exposing them to a part of your personality that could barely be qualified as you.
7.) Your work personality
So now that you got out of that on the run scenario, you are relaxing at work. Not really, you are still kind of up tight because you want them to like you enough to give you more money. Sure, you might crack a few jokes here and there, but you aren't going to tell them about that time you smuggled cuban cigars onto an american cruise ship and then almost got kicked out of the boat because you smoked them in your room. Yes, it was a hysterical story that ended with you getting shoved into a running shower with a still lit cigar while your cabin mate tries to explain to the captain that it was the steam that caused the smoke detectors to go off. But you can't tell your coworkers that because they are all old as shit and wont think it's funny, they will think you are depraved and then you won't get more money from them.
6.) Your dating personality
Alright, it's after work and you are on that blind date from OKCupid. You kind of like this guy and you might even tell him the cigar story, if he seems laid back enough. You can be funny in front of him, but you can't reveal any of the awful traits about your personality. Like your narcissism, or your crippiling emotional detachment issues. Or your awful grammer and spelling. You still have to watch every little thing you say in case you accidently tip him off to how psychotic you really are. You can't let him know about that time you roundhouse kicked a hobo just to see how it felt. He probably wouldn't think that that was as badass as as you think it was.
P.S. - that wasn't a hobo, it was a bag of trash.
P.S.S. - that wasn't a roundhouse kick, you barely got your foot off the ground.
P.S.S.S - good for you fo believing in yourself enough to believe you actually roundhouse kicked a hobo, you delusional bastard.
5.) Your family personality
If your family is anything like my family (the recipe goes - put 6 nutjobs in a 3 bedroom house together, add a dash of dysfunction and a an utter lack of modesty and you will get the lovable, adorable and comically hilarious Albinson family - seriously we should have our own sitcom, or reality show, but I hate reality T.V.. I forget where I was going with this...)then you can probably just be yourself, because you have forced them into accepting even the parts of you that rival David Hasselhoff. However, most people have to tone down their bizarreness. So you probably can't talk to them about drinking or really any of your Saturday/Friday/Sunday/Thursday/any day that ends in "day" nights. So you can't tell them about your personal life, but you could probably make all of your super inappropriate jokes. So that's cool.
4.) Your friend personality
With these people you can totally talk about your drinking, tell inappropriate jokes, curse, do whatever - except you probably should always wear makeup around them and not walk around topless. If you walk around topless in front of people you don't know so well then they might fine you for public indecency. (Despite what you may think of me, I have never been fined for this so I am unsure if people or the police fine you for this.)3.) Your best friend personality
You meet up with this person after your date to talk about it. You now go over everything in deep detail about that person. You flesh out what you think his future hopes and dreams will be based on his comment about Pokemon. "Yo, I never really was all that in to Pokemon." Obviously, a man who made the previous comment is a man you can't trust because he hates kittens and everything awesome about life. You can also fart in front of your bff because sometimes that stuff just slips out. When you bend over to pick sugar packets. See on of my previous entries, I won't tell you which one because it is kind of obvious.
You meet up with this person after your date to talk about it. You now go over everything in deep detail about that person. You flesh out what you think his future hopes and dreams will be based on his comment about Pokemon. "Yo, I never really was all that in to Pokemon." Obviously, a man who made the previous comment is a man you can't trust because he hates kittens and everything awesome about life. You can also fart in front of your bff because sometimes that stuff just slips out. When you bend over to pick sugar packets. See on of my previous entries, I won't tell you which one because it is kind of obvious.
2.) Your cat personality
You can poop in front of them. They do it in front of you.1.) Your alone personality
After you talk about your date, you excuse yourself and now you are alone. When you are alone you can do all of the most weird, disgusting stuff you can't do in front of anyone else - including your cat. Yes, I am talking about watching "All Dogs Go to Heaven." You know you like it, but you can't do that in front of anyone else. Because your embarrassed. Of your terrible taste in movies. (but that is a funny movie. Wait, if you are a potential date then it as absolutely not. Not funny at all. But "The Pebble and The Penguin" is still a funny movie no matter what you say.)
After you talk about your date, you excuse yourself and now you are alone. When you are alone you can do all of the most weird, disgusting stuff you can't do in front of anyone else - including your cat. Yes, I am talking about watching "All Dogs Go to Heaven." You know you like it, but you can't do that in front of anyone else. Because your embarrassed. Of your terrible taste in movies. (but that is a funny movie. Wait, if you are a potential date then it as absolutely not. Not funny at all. But "The Pebble and The Penguin" is still a funny movie no matter what you say.)
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I have no words for this....
Apparently, in Cambodia, if you have enough money you can do anything. Read the below article from this site. It starts off slow but read till the end and you will be horrified by the Cambodians.
Well arrived in Siem Reap after a very short flight from Phnom Penh, Cambodia's capital. Since last entry i have left Vietnam and moved onto country number two, Cambodia.
Long day up the Mekong Delta in a longboat after leaving Saigon, Phnom Penh is definitely a lot less busy than Vietnam, reason being it has a much smaller population and therefore a lot less motobikes so less chance of getting run over or knocked down. One of the ladies who started the trip did in fact get run over by a motobike and had to be airlifted to Bangkok for plastic surgery about 8 days into the trip, her first holiday aboad as well.
Anywho having a great time, weather is very very hot and food is still bloody marvellous. Changed from the Dong back into the US Dollar so Cambodia is a little more expensive than Vietnam but still not too bad i guess
bridge at Hoan Kiem Lake, Hanoi. We visited the Cu Chi tunnels a few days ago, one of the main underground networks used by the Viet Cong during the war with America, very very cramped, they definitely weren't designed for big lads like me. Also got to use an old AK-47 and fire a few rounds off that, a bit hard to use cos it was soo old it kept on jamming but was still great fun.
Yesterday we visited the Tuol Sleng genocide museum and the Killing Fields in Phnom Penh which was a pretty depressing and horrific day, learnt how cruel this country's government has been to its people and the torture and hell millions had to go through, really quite disturbing. Phnom Penh is famous for 3things according to one of the books i read, guns, girls and ganja. The reality wasn't quite as bad as the book, at least the parts i seen, did get offered some weed though and did get to fire some more guns and we had a casino in our hotel so u can spend a lot of money very quickly in Phnom Penh.
There was an old story about how if u went to the shooting range, not only cud u pick from 100 different sorts of guns but u also got the opportunity to shoot a cow with a B-40 (rocket launcher) of course no one believes, at least no one who has never been to the firing range in Phnom Penh. Me and Greg got a tuk-tuk out to the range, which is about 40 mins outside the city and were greeted with a handshake from one of the nice men at the range
firing colt handgun at shooting range cambodia. We sat down and he handed us what i thought was a menu, and it was a menu of sorts i guess, only it listed all the weapons and all the prices, including the rocket launcher which was the main reason we went out. I decided to get one magazine for the AK-47 and a couple of handguns, at a dollar a bullet you had to give it a lot of thought, and i think if i had brought $200 more i would def have fired a rocket, little too expensive. Anyway i was first up on the AK-47 and before i started shooting the guy asked me would i like a moving target, i thought he meant he would press a button or pull a string and the paper target at the bottom of the range would move from side to side, but no, that wasn't it, he said for an extra $15 i could shoot the hell out of a live chicken. I had to think about it for a few seconds and then i thought i better not, wud feel a little bad shooting a poor wee white chicken with this sort of a gun, the guy told me it's much better if there's a moving target especially when it's on automatic fire, but i decided not to. So the magazine lasted about 15 seconds, few single shots to start at the target then i just kept the finger down, it was bloody brilliant, the kick off the recoil and the noise, Jack Bauer has nothing on me for sure. After that i got to shoot a colt and a reugger at a stationary target and hit it 7 times out of 8 both times, couple of head shots and one to the groin, he would definitely have been dead or else very very sore. So that was most of my money gone so i bought a t-shirt and then asked about the cow story to see if it was true and yep if u have enough money they will take u out to the mountain range out the back and u can shoot a B-40 at a live cow, unbelievable, if i'd enough money, well maybe not, perhaps next time. Mannis u wud love this place mate, think we'll def have to organise a trip when u finish uni!!
Well arrived in Siem Reap after a very short flight from Phnom Penh, Cambodia's capital. Since last entry i have left Vietnam and moved onto country number two, Cambodia.
Long day up the Mekong Delta in a longboat after leaving Saigon, Phnom Penh is definitely a lot less busy than Vietnam, reason being it has a much smaller population and therefore a lot less motobikes so less chance of getting run over or knocked down. One of the ladies who started the trip did in fact get run over by a motobike and had to be airlifted to Bangkok for plastic surgery about 8 days into the trip, her first holiday aboad as well.
Anywho having a great time, weather is very very hot and food is still bloody marvellous. Changed from the Dong back into the US Dollar so Cambodia is a little more expensive than Vietnam but still not too bad i guess
bridge at Hoan Kiem Lake, Hanoi. We visited the Cu Chi tunnels a few days ago, one of the main underground networks used by the Viet Cong during the war with America, very very cramped, they definitely weren't designed for big lads like me. Also got to use an old AK-47 and fire a few rounds off that, a bit hard to use cos it was soo old it kept on jamming but was still great fun.
Yesterday we visited the Tuol Sleng genocide museum and the Killing Fields in Phnom Penh which was a pretty depressing and horrific day, learnt how cruel this country's government has been to its people and the torture and hell millions had to go through, really quite disturbing. Phnom Penh is famous for 3things according to one of the books i read, guns, girls and ganja. The reality wasn't quite as bad as the book, at least the parts i seen, did get offered some weed though and did get to fire some more guns and we had a casino in our hotel so u can spend a lot of money very quickly in Phnom Penh.
There was an old story about how if u went to the shooting range, not only cud u pick from 100 different sorts of guns but u also got the opportunity to shoot a cow with a B-40 (rocket launcher) of course no one believes, at least no one who has never been to the firing range in Phnom Penh. Me and Greg got a tuk-tuk out to the range, which is about 40 mins outside the city and were greeted with a handshake from one of the nice men at the range
firing colt handgun at shooting range cambodia. We sat down and he handed us what i thought was a menu, and it was a menu of sorts i guess, only it listed all the weapons and all the prices, including the rocket launcher which was the main reason we went out. I decided to get one magazine for the AK-47 and a couple of handguns, at a dollar a bullet you had to give it a lot of thought, and i think if i had brought $200 more i would def have fired a rocket, little too expensive. Anyway i was first up on the AK-47 and before i started shooting the guy asked me would i like a moving target, i thought he meant he would press a button or pull a string and the paper target at the bottom of the range would move from side to side, but no, that wasn't it, he said for an extra $15 i could shoot the hell out of a live chicken. I had to think about it for a few seconds and then i thought i better not, wud feel a little bad shooting a poor wee white chicken with this sort of a gun, the guy told me it's much better if there's a moving target especially when it's on automatic fire, but i decided not to. So the magazine lasted about 15 seconds, few single shots to start at the target then i just kept the finger down, it was bloody brilliant, the kick off the recoil and the noise, Jack Bauer has nothing on me for sure. After that i got to shoot a colt and a reugger at a stationary target and hit it 7 times out of 8 both times, couple of head shots and one to the groin, he would definitely have been dead or else very very sore. So that was most of my money gone so i bought a t-shirt and then asked about the cow story to see if it was true and yep if u have enough money they will take u out to the mountain range out the back and u can shoot a B-40 at a live cow, unbelievable, if i'd enough money, well maybe not, perhaps next time. Mannis u wud love this place mate, think we'll def have to organise a trip when u finish uni!!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Billy Bob Shakespeare: The Inventor
Prepare, I am about to get real English major-y on you.
I can respect and admire Shakespeare, but even I have difficulties reading and understanding every single detail and nuance about his work. Which means there is simply no hope for you whatsoever. But you still have to give ol Billy mad props for simply creating the Crap out of words. He isn't pulling some Sarah Palin bullshit, he actually straight-up invented words that we use constantly. I might have already used one so far, I'm not sure because there was over 1,700 ones he created. Insane right? Well I am about to blow your mind because I am going to list all of the crazy ones he created that you probably had no freaking idea weren't, like, always around.
Where it came from:
So here is the thing, Shakespeare didn't just willy nilly mash two words together to come up with some hybrid basterdization of the english language like "ridonkulous" which is is the combination of ridiculous and donkey. Why you would want to combine those two words, I am unsure of. I am also unsure what the hell it means. But I digress.
Shakespeare coined this term from the latin terms "contra" (against) and "rotulus" (a dimonstrative of rota or "wheel"), which literally means "against the wheel". This makes sense if you use this meaning in the above sentence. Othello is asking if he is able to determine his own fate. Wheels where a very common image for depicting fate in this time period. And so Othello is asking if he is able to go against the wheel of fate in motion, esentially determining his own outcome.
Why it's important now:
Genius, pure genius, especially because somehow this all let to the remote control which is honestly God's gift to man.
This is the first recorded use of this word and though it might only be lone+ly, you still have to give Shakey mad props for making this a common English word. I try to use this trick constantly and it never catches on. The other day I used the word gluteny in a sentence and the people around me were like "What? Gluttony?" And I was like "No, gluteny, as in filled with gluten, a protein found in wheats." And they were like "What?" And I was like "Just use it from now on." And they were like "No." And I was like "Oh."
Why it's important now:
Obvi because the above dude would have no way to express how emo he is. And don't even get me started on be nice to lonely people because you have to read the profile above and realize how much of a douche this guy is. I found him on OKcupid and he sent me this message:
Where it came from:
According to the Oxford English Dictionary Shakespeare developed the above use of the word "road" (meaning path on which one traveled) from the word "rode" (the action of riding or related senses). Billy Bob here wanted to convey not only the easy path which the man took, but also that the act of riding on them was easy as well. He wanted to ensure the audience was aware that it was an all around pleasant and easy trip. Unfortunately in prose you don't always have time to spell it out for the audience like I just did so Billy thought to himself, "Why, I'll just invent a new word and everyone will know what I mean." Unfortunately for Billy, no one really knows what he means half the time anyway so it was probably completely lost until now. Your welcome Billy.
There is also the unfortunate problem that Billy's audience was drunkards and prostitutes, meaning they wouldn't know if he made up a word or if the word was already there, because they didn't speak real English. And, before you even attempt to protest this, I must tell you Cockney rhyming slang is not real English. A language where you get Hampsteads means teeth because of Hampsteads Heath and than that rhymes with teeth is not a real language.
Why its important now:
Hello, have you been alive in the last 100 years? People say the word road constantly. I live on a road. We don't say "Path" or any bullshit like that. Think of all of the changes in childhood icons. No more "Yellow Brick Road" or "Roadrunner" or "Road to Eldorado" (which was actually an awesome movie that I wish I watch soon). There would be no "Abbey Road," "On the Road," or "The Road." No "road-rage," and we all know that is what we would miss the most.
Note: "On the Road" and "The Road" are VERY different books despite the title having a difference of only one word. The former is a coming of age tale of a road trip across America as well as the hipster bible, and the other is an apocolyptic novel drugging the depths of human darkness. I found this out the hardway while reading "The Road" and believing I was reading the other. Needless to say I could not figure out why in a story about a road trip there wasn't even a car and lots of cannibalism.
What's really cool about Billy Bob is that he also invented phrases that we use all the freaking time as well.
I can respect and admire Shakespeare, but even I have difficulties reading and understanding every single detail and nuance about his work. Which means there is simply no hope for you whatsoever. But you still have to give ol Billy mad props for simply creating the Crap out of words. He isn't pulling some Sarah Palin bullshit, he actually straight-up invented words that we use constantly. I might have already used one so far, I'm not sure because there was over 1,700 ones he created. Insane right? Well I am about to blow your mind because I am going to list all of the crazy ones he created that you probably had no freaking idea weren't, like, always around.
Control
"Who can control his fate?" - Othello in Othello, act 5, sc. II.
Where it came from:
So here is the thing, Shakespeare didn't just willy nilly mash two words together to come up with some hybrid basterdization of the english language like "ridonkulous" which is is the combination of ridiculous and donkey. Why you would want to combine those two words, I am unsure of. I am also unsure what the hell it means. But I digress.
Shakespeare coined this term from the latin terms "contra" (against) and "rotulus" (a dimonstrative of rota or "wheel"), which literally means "against the wheel". This makes sense if you use this meaning in the above sentence. Othello is asking if he is able to determine his own fate. Wheels where a very common image for depicting fate in this time period. And so Othello is asking if he is able to go against the wheel of fate in motion, esentially determining his own outcome.
Why it's important now:
Genius, pure genius, especially because somehow this all let to the remote control which is honestly God's gift to man.
Hurry
"Hold, there is forty ducats. Let me have A dram of poison, such soon-speeding gear As will disperse itself through all the veins That the life-weary taker may fall dead, And that the trunk may be discharged of breath As violently as hasty powder fired Doth hurry from the fatal cannon's womb. " - Romeo in Romeo and Juliet, act 5 sc. I.
Where it came from:
Shakespeare used this word a bunch of times, which is why it is so hard to pinpoint a single quote used. It is thought to come from "hurren" which in Middle Europe (the etyomology dictionaries I looked through didn't specify a certain language "hurren" came from though the Oxford English Dictionary implied Duestchland, the same wonderful place that gave us tulips, clogs, and Amsterdam) meant "to vibrate rapibly, buzz." Shakespeare took this meaning and developed "hurry" as rapid movement. Though, some etyomologists believe it is derived from the Swedish "hurra" (to whirl around) which is where "hurl" developed from. However, except from the above quote, the Shakespearian use of "hurry" does not necessarily involve objects in air, nor does it in modern context. Therefore it is most likely a modification of "hurren."
Why it's important now:
Because what eles would you say while someone is trying to diffuse a bomb. "Hurry up!" is clearly the best answer.
Lonely
"My hazards still have been your solace: and
Believe't not lightly--though I go alone,
Like to a lonely dragon, that his fen
Makes fear'd and talk'd of more than seen--your son
Will or exceed the common or be caught
With cautelous baits and practise." - Coriolanus in Coriolanus, act IV, sc. I.
This is the first recorded use of this word and though it might only be lone+ly, you still have to give Shakey mad props for making this a common English word. I try to use this trick constantly and it never catches on. The other day I used the word gluteny in a sentence and the people around me were like "What? Gluttony?" And I was like "No, gluteny, as in filled with gluten, a protein found in wheats." And they were like "What?" And I was like "Just use it from now on." And they were like "No." And I was like "Oh."
Why it's important now:
Obvi because the above dude would have no way to express how emo he is. And don't even get me started on be nice to lonely people because you have to read the profile above and realize how much of a douche this guy is. I found him on OKcupid and he sent me this message:
Yes, this guy told me that he liked is men like he likes his coffee: Black. Really, a great way to show you are interested in a girl.
Also, lonely is an important word because it allows Kim Jong Il to express how lonely he is:
Road
"AT last, with easy roads, he came to Leicester,
Lodg'd in the abbey; where the reverend abbot,
With all his convent, honourably receiv'd him;"
Lodg'd in the abbey; where the reverend abbot,
With all his convent, honourably receiv'd him;"
- Griffith in King Henry VIII, act 4, sc. II.
Where it came from:
According to the Oxford English Dictionary Shakespeare developed the above use of the word "road" (meaning path on which one traveled) from the word "rode" (the action of riding or related senses). Billy Bob here wanted to convey not only the easy path which the man took, but also that the act of riding on them was easy as well. He wanted to ensure the audience was aware that it was an all around pleasant and easy trip. Unfortunately in prose you don't always have time to spell it out for the audience like I just did so Billy thought to himself, "Why, I'll just invent a new word and everyone will know what I mean." Unfortunately for Billy, no one really knows what he means half the time anyway so it was probably completely lost until now. Your welcome Billy.
There is also the unfortunate problem that Billy's audience was drunkards and prostitutes, meaning they wouldn't know if he made up a word or if the word was already there, because they didn't speak real English. And, before you even attempt to protest this, I must tell you Cockney rhyming slang is not real English. A language where you get Hampsteads means teeth because of Hampsteads Heath and than that rhymes with teeth is not a real language.
Why its important now:
Hello, have you been alive in the last 100 years? People say the word road constantly. I live on a road. We don't say "Path" or any bullshit like that. Think of all of the changes in childhood icons. No more "Yellow Brick Road" or "Roadrunner" or "Road to Eldorado" (which was actually an awesome movie that I wish I watch soon). There would be no "Abbey Road," "On the Road," or "The Road." No "road-rage," and we all know that is what we would miss the most.
Note: "On the Road" and "The Road" are VERY different books despite the title having a difference of only one word. The former is a coming of age tale of a road trip across America as well as the hipster bible, and the other is an apocolyptic novel drugging the depths of human darkness. I found this out the hardway while reading "The Road" and believing I was reading the other. Needless to say I could not figure out why in a story about a road trip there wasn't even a car and lots of cannibalism.
What's really cool about Billy Bob is that he also invented phrases that we use all the freaking time as well.
Break the Ice
"If it be so, sir, that you are the man
Must stead us all and me amongst the rest,
And if you break the ice and do this feat,
Achieve the elder, set the younger free
For our access, whose hap shall be to have her
Will not so graceless be to be ingrate."
- Tranio in Taming of the Shrew, act I, sc II
Where it came from:
Most people's complete knowledge of Taming of the Shrew comes from Ten Things I Hate About You, and while that is very entertaining and Heath Ledger looks AMAZINGLY hot in it, it's not exactly accurate.
Above: Hot Guy?
However, it is accurate enough to get the point of this quote across. In the quote abouve Tranio (the guy equivalent to the Douchey modeling guy) has just been convinced by Hortensio (The adorable, vest-wearing Joseph Gordon Levitt) to fund Petruchio's (Heath Ledger) courtship of Katherine (That blonde girl who looks like she has down syndrom) because then her little sister Bianca (The hot sister) will be available to be wed. Make sense? Better, because I am not going through that one again. Anywhoo, Tranio then says to Petruchio the above quote, and when he says "break the ice" they aren't thinking what we mean, they are thinking that Kate is an ice cold bitch and they have to litterally break her like you would a horse. Petruchio is determined to do it because, frankly, he will do anything for some pun-tang and some mula.
Note: Shakespeare also invented the word pun-tang.
Why it's important now:
How many "ice breakers" do you hear all the time? They invented games to break the ice, and I am not talking about the one featured above (although that one is awesome), I am talking about the ones where you go around in a circle and have to say your dream car or something ridiculous like that. Imagine if Liam here didn't write this, there would be no more really awkward moments the first day of class, no way for your teacher to single you out as a trouble maker when you say "a Kia" is your dream car.
There would also no longer be any wonderful one liners and bad jokes, like this one:
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice!
Oh man, 0h man. Those are classic.
Catch a Cold
"Why, that’s certain. 'Tis dangerous to catch a cold, to sleep, to drink; but I tell you, my lord fool, out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety."
- Hotspur in Henry IV Part 1, act 2, sc III.
Where it came from:
So the set up here is Hotspur comes up with a plan and someone is like, "Naw, trick, that be dangerous." And Hotspur is like "Bitch, pleezz, e'rythang be dangerous. Getting a cold is danger, sleepin' be dangerous. Damn, even drankin be dangers. Hold up tho, if my plan gets yo stupid ass outta trouble then we goin ta straight up pick a flower, cuz' that shit be safe."
Why it's important now:
You say I "caught a cold" every time you call in sick to your boss. You know you do, because if you told him you had a stomach virus he would know the truth, you are hungover. I find the best way to lie and get your boss to believe you is to go for something really embaressing that he figures you wouldn't say if it wasn't true. Such things as, I ripped one of my intestineds, I have explosive diarehha, I ate some fukku. These are all things no one is going to question, simply because no one is ever going to want to hear the details of that shit. Or maybe you really did catch a cold. That is also a probability.
Naked Truth
"The naked truth of it is, I have no
shirt. I go woolward for penance."
-Don Armando in Love's Labour's Lost, act 5, sc. II.
Where it came from:
In this quote Shakey uses the phrase as a pun because the dude didn't have a shirt. Get it? Haha. But, what is really interesting about this quote is that Billy here only put into words an image that had been around for centuries.
See the image above? Well it is called "Calumny of Appelles" and it was painted by Boticelli. Alright so get ready for some original Ana theorizing here, straight from the two semesters I skeeted by in Shakespeare and the one semester of Art History where I pretty much blew my instrutor's mind.
The above image was widely circurculated in Shakespeare's time as it was made in the Rennaisance and so it was finished in 1494ish. Anywho, Boticelli painted this image directly of off a description this other dude saw of a painting called "Calumny." While no one really know whats the original Calumny looked like or whatever, we have this guy, Appelles' description of it:
"On the right of it sits a man with very large ears, almost like those of Midas, extending his hand to Slander while she is still at some distance from him. Near him, on one side, stand two women—Ignorance, I think, and Suspicion. On the other side, Slander is coming up, a woman beautiful beyond measure, but full of passion and excitement, evincing as she does fury and wrath by carrying in her left hand a blazing torch and with the other dragging by the hair a young man who stretches out his hands to heaven and calls the gods to witness his innocence. She is conducted by a pale ugly man who has piercing eye and looks as if he had wasted away in long illness; he may be supposed to be envy. Besides, there are two women in attendance on Slander, egging her on, tiring [dressing] her and tricking her out. According to the interpretation of them given me by the guide of the picture, one was Treachery and the other Deceit. They were followed by a woman dressed in deep mourning, with black clothes all in tatters—Repentance, I think her name was. At all events, she was turning back with tears in her eyes and casting a stealthy glance, full of shame, at Truth, who was approaching."
So, you can see that the naked bitch is clearly supposed to be Truth. Shakespeare lived in a time where paintings from the Renn Fest were deeply revered and though you couldn't just look them up on google, there were still reproductions in engravings and etchings being passed around, as well as the descriptions being way more detailed than the one above. My theory is that my old friend Billy totes McGoats saw the picture, or a version of it and when he was writing is play later he was all like "Truth is totally a naked lady. haha." So then he used the words "naked truth" as both a pun as well as a reference to the Boticelli painting.
And what?!
Why it's important now:
This is the section where I am supposed to list all the famous things this phrase is in, but instead I am going to discuss Leslie Neilson. He is the only comedian who can take a terrible joke and make it hysterical by doing nothing other than just reading it aloud. This is why Naked Gun really deserves more consideration in pop culture. It is a hysterical movie. No one ever mentions it though. I just don't understand. Really, Leslie Neils and Shakespeare are like two peas in a pod.
The Best Thing about William Shakespeare:
Want to know why no one really thinks he is a real person? Because the name William Shakespeare, in his time, literally meant "Penis Masterbation." Look at it. It totally does mean that. It would be the modern equivalent of "Dick Jackoff." No one would take a guy named that seriously at all. But everyone knows Willy was a dirty old pervert and half of his shows, even the "serious" ones, were chock full of dirty, dirty jokes. Maybe that was because his audience was full of whores.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Six Things Society Outright Lied to Me About.
So my roommate Cat wrote this article recently called "Ten Things I wasn't prepared for in my post-graduate life" and it's pretty good, I wasn't prepared for a lot of those things either, but I think a more helpful article would be "Six Things Society Outright Lied to Me About." So I am going to write that article. Right now.
6.) If you are pretty, you will get free things.
If by free things you mean a case of syphalis and a hangover, then yes, if you are pretty you will get free things. The only truly free thing you will recieve as an attractive woman is sex and that usually comes with bad, bad consequences. Everything else that seems free is most definitly not. You get a bunch of free drinks? Well that guy will eventually expect something from you, whether it be your phone number or a hook up. He isn't just giving you those drinks to be nice. And now you feel awkward because he pressured you into accepting the drinks and now he is pressuring you for something else. This is why you have to remember that nothing is really free, so just don't accept the drinks to begin with if you don't want to turn the guy down later. Here is another good hint: Almost every guy you meet at a bar will be a huge dissapointment to you.
Guys who are creeping around bars aren't looking for girlfriends, they are looking for a one night stand. So never think a guy that you meet randomly at a bar has relationship potential. I don't know a single one of my friends who is in a relationship who met a guy at a bar. But just to be clear here, I mean meet a guy you have never met, nor have any ties to at a bar. If you meet a guy at a bar through a mutual friend it is a different story.
Back to my original point though, being pretty means that people want something from you. Just like every other good aspect about you.Your smart? People want to exploit that. Your funny? People want to exploit that as well. The world is basically filled with people who want to exploit you for your god given gifts and unless you are a jaded, sarcastic bitch like me, you will probably get taken advantage of. Just try to remember that nothing is truly for free.
5.) Chicks before dicks.
Every girl has heard this before. Guys have their own variation of it: Bros before hos. And both of these slogans might have been very helpful when you were in highschool, but once you graduate college they aren't true anymore. A guy that you are serious about will almost always come before a friend. Heres why: Money. Marriage isn't just a union of love, it's a union of money. And now that your money and his money are tied together, he is going to matter a little more than your friends do. It's just the truth. This is why when you start to feel seriously about a guy, even before you get married, he will come before your friends. Because eventually money will be involved. Those stupid slogans that society throws at us only work when you have an immature notion of love and no experience in it.
4.) If you have more than 4 drinks 3 times a week, you are an alocholic.
Alright this might horrify my mother, but I know that it is actually completely normal behavior for a young twenty-something. I drink almost every single night of the week and 4-5 of those days I blow right past 4 drinks. Am I an alocholic? Most likely not. If I am, then I am a very highly functioning one. With the above, very loose definition of alcoholism, I would be very definitely able to say that all of my friends and almost everyone I know is an alcoholic. With the exception of pregnant women.
People think you drink a lot in college. Untrue. You don't drink that often, but when you do drink, you drink enough to shame your family. When you graduate and are working full time you drink almost every day, and you have at least 3 drinks every day. Why? Because you hate your life and you want to drown it in alchohol. Really though, you do it because when you come home from work you can't exactly go out on a bender, and you don't have anything else to do, so you stay home and drink enough that you think your life is actually interesting.
3.) Working out will make you happy.
We have all heard that working out gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy. I think that is a whole lot of horseshit. I have never, ever felt happy after working out. I feel miserable because now I am tired and sweaty and in pain. Maybe I feel slightly accomplished, but in general I am usually still punnishing myself for eating that bag of popcorn and wondering if I burned enough calories to make up for it. And just like with the alcohol, no one really talks about it, but I am pretty sure the majority of Americans feel this way. Yeah, we all pretend we like to go running, because if we tell other people that then they will think we aren't as out of shape as we really are and also, maybe it will come true.
Yes, there are always exceptions, like the freaks like my little sister who really do like to run, but most of us hate it and are secretly scared to admit it because we think the world will then think we are fat. Here it is though, the world will think you are fat if you are fat, regardless if you claim to like running. Here is another thing, historically, beauty is based on what is hardest to accomplish. Back in the day being fat was considered hot because it was damn hard to be fat when you were poor and working the fields all day. Now being skinny is hot because it is damn hard to be skinny when you sit on your ass in front of a computer all day. So no, you won't like working out, but you have to do it if you want to be attractive, so like getting a job and paying taxes you just have to suck it up and do it.
Just a thought though: Wouldn't people be skinnier if we still played games like hide and seek like we would when we were kids? Why don't we do that anymore? Man, I would kill to play a good game of hide and seek.
2.) If you are dedicated, and work hard, you will succeed.
This is bull shit. Yes, if you are dedicated and work hard you will do well, but I think you learn pretty early on that there is no real quantifiable way to determine success in real life. Most base it on happiness and in todays society you will probably never achieve complete happiness. This is why no matter how hard I work, I am still unhappy, because my career means nothing to me. Maybe if I was on a different track I would be happier.
Its also bullshit because 50% of success is based purely on who you know. That's a damn fact.
1.) That there is such a thing as "the love of your life."
I don't even want to go too deep into explaining this one at the risk of giving you readers far too much insight into my psyche. It's pretty much a deep, disturbing cave that you can never find a way back from. Nevertheless I will say this, find someone good enough and stick with them. Its the difference between being a satisficer and a maximizer. Satisficers are almost always the happier of the two. If you keep rejecting men because they weren't your "Mr. Perfect" you are going to end up all sad and alone and at the ripe old age of 40 where you can't even really procreate anymore. Get married and pop out kids while you can, you are gonna love your kids a whole lot more than whoever the heck you married anyways.
6.) If you are pretty, you will get free things.
If by free things you mean a case of syphalis and a hangover, then yes, if you are pretty you will get free things. The only truly free thing you will recieve as an attractive woman is sex and that usually comes with bad, bad consequences. Everything else that seems free is most definitly not. You get a bunch of free drinks? Well that guy will eventually expect something from you, whether it be your phone number or a hook up. He isn't just giving you those drinks to be nice. And now you feel awkward because he pressured you into accepting the drinks and now he is pressuring you for something else. This is why you have to remember that nothing is really free, so just don't accept the drinks to begin with if you don't want to turn the guy down later. Here is another good hint: Almost every guy you meet at a bar will be a huge dissapointment to you.
Guys who are creeping around bars aren't looking for girlfriends, they are looking for a one night stand. So never think a guy that you meet randomly at a bar has relationship potential. I don't know a single one of my friends who is in a relationship who met a guy at a bar. But just to be clear here, I mean meet a guy you have never met, nor have any ties to at a bar. If you meet a guy at a bar through a mutual friend it is a different story.
Back to my original point though, being pretty means that people want something from you. Just like every other good aspect about you.Your smart? People want to exploit that. Your funny? People want to exploit that as well. The world is basically filled with people who want to exploit you for your god given gifts and unless you are a jaded, sarcastic bitch like me, you will probably get taken advantage of. Just try to remember that nothing is truly for free.
5.) Chicks before dicks.
Every girl has heard this before. Guys have their own variation of it: Bros before hos. And both of these slogans might have been very helpful when you were in highschool, but once you graduate college they aren't true anymore. A guy that you are serious about will almost always come before a friend. Heres why: Money. Marriage isn't just a union of love, it's a union of money. And now that your money and his money are tied together, he is going to matter a little more than your friends do. It's just the truth. This is why when you start to feel seriously about a guy, even before you get married, he will come before your friends. Because eventually money will be involved. Those stupid slogans that society throws at us only work when you have an immature notion of love and no experience in it.
4.) If you have more than 4 drinks 3 times a week, you are an alocholic.
Alright this might horrify my mother, but I know that it is actually completely normal behavior for a young twenty-something. I drink almost every single night of the week and 4-5 of those days I blow right past 4 drinks. Am I an alocholic? Most likely not. If I am, then I am a very highly functioning one. With the above, very loose definition of alcoholism, I would be very definitely able to say that all of my friends and almost everyone I know is an alcoholic. With the exception of pregnant women.
People think you drink a lot in college. Untrue. You don't drink that often, but when you do drink, you drink enough to shame your family. When you graduate and are working full time you drink almost every day, and you have at least 3 drinks every day. Why? Because you hate your life and you want to drown it in alchohol. Really though, you do it because when you come home from work you can't exactly go out on a bender, and you don't have anything else to do, so you stay home and drink enough that you think your life is actually interesting.
3.) Working out will make you happy.
We have all heard that working out gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy. I think that is a whole lot of horseshit. I have never, ever felt happy after working out. I feel miserable because now I am tired and sweaty and in pain. Maybe I feel slightly accomplished, but in general I am usually still punnishing myself for eating that bag of popcorn and wondering if I burned enough calories to make up for it. And just like with the alcohol, no one really talks about it, but I am pretty sure the majority of Americans feel this way. Yeah, we all pretend we like to go running, because if we tell other people that then they will think we aren't as out of shape as we really are and also, maybe it will come true.
Yes, there are always exceptions, like the freaks like my little sister who really do like to run, but most of us hate it and are secretly scared to admit it because we think the world will then think we are fat. Here it is though, the world will think you are fat if you are fat, regardless if you claim to like running. Here is another thing, historically, beauty is based on what is hardest to accomplish. Back in the day being fat was considered hot because it was damn hard to be fat when you were poor and working the fields all day. Now being skinny is hot because it is damn hard to be skinny when you sit on your ass in front of a computer all day. So no, you won't like working out, but you have to do it if you want to be attractive, so like getting a job and paying taxes you just have to suck it up and do it.
Just a thought though: Wouldn't people be skinnier if we still played games like hide and seek like we would when we were kids? Why don't we do that anymore? Man, I would kill to play a good game of hide and seek.
2.) If you are dedicated, and work hard, you will succeed.
This is bull shit. Yes, if you are dedicated and work hard you will do well, but I think you learn pretty early on that there is no real quantifiable way to determine success in real life. Most base it on happiness and in todays society you will probably never achieve complete happiness. This is why no matter how hard I work, I am still unhappy, because my career means nothing to me. Maybe if I was on a different track I would be happier.
Its also bullshit because 50% of success is based purely on who you know. That's a damn fact.
1.) That there is such a thing as "the love of your life."
I don't even want to go too deep into explaining this one at the risk of giving you readers far too much insight into my psyche. It's pretty much a deep, disturbing cave that you can never find a way back from. Nevertheless I will say this, find someone good enough and stick with them. Its the difference between being a satisficer and a maximizer. Satisficers are almost always the happier of the two. If you keep rejecting men because they weren't your "Mr. Perfect" you are going to end up all sad and alone and at the ripe old age of 40 where you can't even really procreate anymore. Get married and pop out kids while you can, you are gonna love your kids a whole lot more than whoever the heck you married anyways.
Love Advice
I know, I know, I am not necessarily the best person to give out relationship advice, but in case you are an idiot and do want to hear my advice, I am prepared to give it.
While I was searching the web trying to think of cheap but fun dates (I have pretty much decided that they can't exist in the winter time) I stumbled across possibly the biggest idiot of all when it comes to love. This man, Greg Godek, has possibly the stupidest relationship tips I have ever read, yet the man has written several books and has even been on Oprah.
Now the man writes books that are supposed to advise men on how to treat their woman, and some of the tips are cute but overplayed. But some, some are down right creepy. Creppy enough that if a guy did them to me I would run away screaming in fear.
Here I'll give you some examples:
Tip: Gift wrap a wishbone in a jewelry box. Send it to her with a note that says, "I wish you were here."
My Response: Why the hell are you sending me the bones of a deceased bird? Why is this a romantic gesture?!? "Oh hey, if you ever leave me I'll kill you and keep your bones" Is the message I get out of this insanly creepy gift.
Tip:Want to jazz up the presentation of a special meal?
Buy a little hunk of dry ice from a local ice house. Put it in a bowl of water and place it on your serving tray. You'll create wondrous, billowing white clouds!
My Response:You know what is really, very closely associated with dry ice and billowing smoke? Witches and Halloween. Are you trying to to make our house into a horror movie where no one can see and a murder and run around hidden in the haze? What's next? Are you going to break out a cauldron and start casting spells?
Tip:Hire a pianist to play during a romantic dinner at home.
My Response: So it's just me, you and a complete stranger at our meal right now? Is this supposed to be a hint that you want a threesome or something?
Tip:Best movie kisses:
The Way We Were: When Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford kiss in front of her fireplace.
Life Is Beautiful: The kiss underneath the banquet table.
Gone with the Wind: When Rhett steals a major kiss from Scarlett while he's helping her escape as Atlanta burns.
My Response: Ok so this wasn't even a hint. How is this supposed to be helpful at all to men who are looking for relationship advice? Also, doesn't this seem like it was written by a gay man or a woman? Supposedly he is married, but I don't know a single straight male who would use the word "major" in that way or has ever enjoyed any Barbra Streisand movie. Also I don't think a straight man would ever even entertain a thought concerning the best movie kisses.
Tip: Mary was a Beanie Baby fanatic. Her husband, Bob, hired a custom doll-maker to create a "Beanie Bob" for her.
Tip: This guy starts off with tips about hearts (why you need tips about hearts, I don't know), at it begins with things like "Make a heart-shaped pizza" or "Trace a heart shape in fogged up windows," but then it just jumps to "Have a heart-shaped pool built" and "Get a heart-shaped tattoo with her initials in it."
My Response: I feel as though the ridiculousness between the gestures is aparent enough that there is no need for me to even point it out, however I must say that any man who thinks drawing a heart in a fogged up window is akin to getting a heart tattoo with her initials in it is a man who is clearly insane.
And this is honestly the last tip he gives:
Tip: Best way to create more time in your life: Shoot your TV
While I was searching the web trying to think of cheap but fun dates (I have pretty much decided that they can't exist in the winter time) I stumbled across possibly the biggest idiot of all when it comes to love. This man, Greg Godek, has possibly the stupidest relationship tips I have ever read, yet the man has written several books and has even been on Oprah.
Now the man writes books that are supposed to advise men on how to treat their woman, and some of the tips are cute but overplayed. But some, some are down right creepy. Creppy enough that if a guy did them to me I would run away screaming in fear.
Here I'll give you some examples:
Tip: Gift wrap a wishbone in a jewelry box. Send it to her with a note that says, "I wish you were here."
Above: The only type of bones I am okay with accepting as a gift.
My Response: Why the hell are you sending me the bones of a deceased bird? Why is this a romantic gesture?!? "Oh hey, if you ever leave me I'll kill you and keep your bones" Is the message I get out of this insanly creepy gift.
Tip:Want to jazz up the presentation of a special meal?
Buy a little hunk of dry ice from a local ice house. Put it in a bowl of water and place it on your serving tray. You'll create wondrous, billowing white clouds!
"What are you hiding in the mist, honey? What is that? WHAT IS THAT!?!?"
Tip:Hire a pianist to play during a romantic dinner at home.
Unless it's him. He is the only way this isn't creepy.
My Response: So it's just me, you and a complete stranger at our meal right now? Is this supposed to be a hint that you want a threesome or something?
Tip:Best movie kisses:
The Way We Were: When Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford kiss in front of her fireplace.
Life Is Beautiful: The kiss underneath the banquet table.
Gone with the Wind: When Rhett steals a major kiss from Scarlett while he's helping her escape as Atlanta burns.
I don't know how this wasn't considered the best kiss of all time.
My Response: Ok so this wasn't even a hint. How is this supposed to be helpful at all to men who are looking for relationship advice? Also, doesn't this seem like it was written by a gay man or a woman? Supposedly he is married, but I don't know a single straight male who would use the word "major" in that way or has ever enjoyed any Barbra Streisand movie. Also I don't think a straight man would ever even entertain a thought concerning the best movie kisses.
Tip: Mary was a Beanie Baby fanatic. Her husband, Bob, hired a custom doll-maker to create a "Beanie Bob" for her.
Above: The only appropriate doll to have of your husband.
My Response: 1.) What grown woman is collecting Beanie Babies? Is Bob actually a child molestore? 2.) I do not, nor do I ever want, a doll version of anyone I am dating. I honestly think that that might be the creepiest thing I have ever heard, well the wishbone thing was creepier.
Tip: This guy starts off with tips about hearts (why you need tips about hearts, I don't know), at it begins with things like "Make a heart-shaped pizza" or "Trace a heart shape in fogged up windows," but then it just jumps to "Have a heart-shaped pool built" and "Get a heart-shaped tattoo with her initials in it."
Above: The ONLY acceptable heart Tattoo to get. That is, unless your me because I have an ADORABLE set of hearts tattooed on my ankle.
My Response: I feel as though the ridiculousness between the gestures is aparent enough that there is no need for me to even point it out, however I must say that any man who thinks drawing a heart in a fogged up window is akin to getting a heart tattoo with her initials in it is a man who is clearly insane.
And this is honestly the last tip he gives:
Tip: Best way to create more time in your life: Shoot your TV
My Response: I dont know in what situation bringing a gun into your relationship would be acceptable. I think I would immediately break up with a guy who just shot his T.V. for no discernable reason and if he shot MY T.V. well I would take his creepy wishbone and shove it so far up his ass that his body would be ready to hibernate for winter. Any man who thinks that shooting something is a reasonable way to deal with your problems is a man you need to run from. I don't know how this Godek passed a psych evalutation let alone ended up making millions from his relationship advice books.
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