Last night it occurred to my friends and I that if you simply replace the word "world" with the word "vaj" in the song "A Whole New World" the song becomes incredibly sexual. So I took the liberty of posting the revised version below. You will be surprised at exactly how little I had to change to make it this incredibly inappropriate. My favorite part is (and I seriously had to change none of this) when they say "Take you wonder by wonder/ Over, sideways and under/ On a magic carpet ride."
Girl: I can show you my vaj
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, drunk man, now when did
You last let your deck decide?
I can open your legs
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride
A whole new vaj
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming
Boy: A whole new vaj
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way down here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new vaj with you
Girl: Now I'm on a whole new deck with you
Boy: Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless carpet ride
Boy: A whole new vaj
Girl: Don't you dare close your eyes
Boy: A hundred thousand things to see
Girl: Hold your breath - it gets better
Boy: I'm like a shooting star
I've cum so far
I can't go back to where I used to be
Girl: A whole new vaj
Boy: Every move a surprise
Girl: With new positions to do
Boy: Every moment gets better
Girl: I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new vaj with you
Girl:A whole new vaj
Boy: A whole new vaj
Girl:That's where we'll be
Boy: That's where we'll be
Girl: A thrilling chase
Boy: A wondrous place
Girl: For you and me
Friday, May 7, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
One person's infection is another person's entire world
So I had to go buy a new pair of shoes while I was at work because the shoes I was wearing ripped in half. I taped them back together with packing tape, but my boss suggested that I go buy a new pair and not look like trailer park trash with one shoe being taped together.
I went and got and new pair of shoes and said pair of shoes gave me HUGE blisters. But being the kind of person I am, I decided to just pop them and go play kickball. Now one of my popped blisters is very infected. I would say that I regret this incident, but the infection vaguely looks like a cottonball or a mature dandylion. That in turn makes me think that I have a whole world filled with "Who" like creatures on my ankle.
Only I wouldn't have "Whos" I would have "Ands." "Ana asks an And" would be the title of my story. I would ask my Ands so many questions. I would ask my Ands really important philosophical questions like, "What if there was a fish who was really poisonous, and the Shark ate this fish and then died. Would you rather be the shark or the fish? Both died, but would you rather be eaten or poisoned?" These kind of questions say a lot about a person. Another really important question: "If you were to compare me to a character on Scrubs which one would I be?" And other questions that not only reveal a lot about someone else, but reveal a lot about how they see me. You see, I am an excellent dancer like Turk, I have intense daydreams like J.D., and I am a little bit of a spazz like Elliot. So I exhibit traits from all three of these characters, but which one do you think I most closely resemble? (Readers post your answers to both of these questions below.)
I would protect my Ands from those betchy monkeys and other birds. But if the mayor ever tried to lecture me about treating people right I would just douse him in some Neosporin, and be like "Betch please."
And my Ands wouldn't celebrate Christmas so there would be no Grinch. They celebrate the Sun God and the Spider Woman and a trickster named Eye-Juggler tries to steal all their feathers. There is not a Grinch stealing presents.
I went and got and new pair of shoes and said pair of shoes gave me HUGE blisters. But being the kind of person I am, I decided to just pop them and go play kickball. Now one of my popped blisters is very infected. I would say that I regret this incident, but the infection vaguely looks like a cottonball or a mature dandylion. That in turn makes me think that I have a whole world filled with "Who" like creatures on my ankle.
Only I wouldn't have "Whos" I would have "Ands." "Ana asks an And" would be the title of my story. I would ask my Ands so many questions. I would ask my Ands really important philosophical questions like, "What if there was a fish who was really poisonous, and the Shark ate this fish and then died. Would you rather be the shark or the fish? Both died, but would you rather be eaten or poisoned?" These kind of questions say a lot about a person. Another really important question: "If you were to compare me to a character on Scrubs which one would I be?" And other questions that not only reveal a lot about someone else, but reveal a lot about how they see me. You see, I am an excellent dancer like Turk, I have intense daydreams like J.D., and I am a little bit of a spazz like Elliot. So I exhibit traits from all three of these characters, but which one do you think I most closely resemble? (Readers post your answers to both of these questions below.)
I would protect my Ands from those betchy monkeys and other birds. But if the mayor ever tried to lecture me about treating people right I would just douse him in some Neosporin, and be like "Betch please."
And my Ands wouldn't celebrate Christmas so there would be no Grinch. They celebrate the Sun God and the Spider Woman and a trickster named Eye-Juggler tries to steal all their feathers. There is not a Grinch stealing presents.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Oh Sylar, your eyebrows really turn me on
Like I love to do, I recently sat and watch every single episode of "Heroes" back to back. And while I was watching the show I fell madly in love with Sylar. So hot, so creepy, so smart, such perfectly groomed eyebrows. All my favorite traits in a man. How could I not fall in love. But on top of that he is HYSTERICAL as well. Too bad he swings the other way or I would so be tryina.
Check out this shet.
Also if you can, watch So NoTORIous. Even if you don't like Tori Spelling it is absolutely worth watching just for Zachary Quinto (Sylar).
Check out this shet.
Also if you can, watch So NoTORIous. Even if you don't like Tori Spelling it is absolutely worth watching just for Zachary Quinto (Sylar).
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Special Agent Ceily Booth is a HUGE Disappointment
I used to be madly in love with David Boreanaz. He was mister Ceily Booth, my true love! How can I ever love him again after this!
You broke my heart David.
You broke my heart David.
Tony Award Noms
So the Tony award nominations are in:
I am going to be really upset if Sherie Rene Scott doesn't win the Tony. There is no actress on broadway that is more talented than her.
Best Play
In the Next Room or the Vibrator Play
Next Fall
Red
Time Stands Still
Best Musical
American Idiot
Fela!
Memphis
Million Dollar Quartet
Best Revival of a Musical
Finian's Rainbow
La Cage aux Folles
A Little Night Music
Ragtime
Best Performance by a Leading Actor in a Play
Jude Law, Hamlet
Alfred Molina, Red
Liev Schreiber, A View from the Bridge
Christopher Walken, A Behanding in Spokane
Denzel Washington, Fences
Best Performance by a Leading Actress in a Play
Viola Davis, Fences
Valerie Harper, Looped
Linda Lavin, Collected Stories
Laura Linney, Time Stands Still
Jan Maxwell, The Royal Family
Best Performance by a Leading Actor in a Musical
Kelsey Grammer, La Cage aux Folles
Sean Hayes, Promises, Promises
Douglas Hodge, La Cage aux Folles
Chad Kimball, Memphis
Sahr Ngaujah, Fela!
Best Performance by a Leading Actress in a Musical
Kate Baldwin, Finian's Rainbow
Montego Glover, Memphis
Christiane Noll, Ragtime
Sherie Rene Scott, Everyday Rapture
Catherine Zeta-Jones, A Little Night Music
I am going to be really upset if Sherie Rene Scott doesn't win the Tony. There is no actress on broadway that is more talented than her.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Monday list of Hate
Since I have actually been doing work all day long I have unfortunately been unable to update my blog today. But don't worry my readers, this just means that you will have tons of awesome pictures throughout the rest of the week.
But, because it is Monday, here is my hate list for this week:
10. The Chinese Government.
Do I really need to explain this one? The best thing China ever did was give the US the plot line for Mulan, which in turn produced one of the greatest songs ever made: Make a man out of you. I love me some Donny Osmond.
9. When other people have fun while I am forced to do something boring.
If you had more fun then me, I really DO NOT want to hear about it. Just shut up and let me go on living in denial .
8. When people give me answers to the crossword puzzle.
This is not a two person activity. I don't want to hear what you have to say.
7. Gwyenth Paltrow
You can just look at this betch's face and know that she thinks she is better than you. With her stupid hair and her stupid husband. She is about as Aryan as you can get. I mean she married the lead singer of Coldplay for God's sake. Whore.
6. Blisters on the bottom of your feet.
Then you have to pop them, and while this can be fun and satisfying, you without a doubt forget to grab a cloth or something to wipe the juice coming out with. Now you have to go get a cloth but because the blister is on the bottom of your foot you are getting the juice all over the floor. Then when all the juice is out, your foot is still sore because there is only a thin layer of dead skin protecting the new skin. Hey body! I would rather just use a freakin bandaid. You unhelpful son of a shitcock.
5. Time's 100 Most Influential People of 2010.
Mostly I am just furious at Time for not naming me number 1. Who is Oprah? No one has ever heard of Oprah. Now Ana? Yeah, everyone knows who Ana is.
4. Kangaroos
I know I may seem like the most logical, rational person ever, but I have a deep seeded hatred for Kangaroos that is really unexplainable. I think its their pouches. That's just disturbing. I think about if I had a giant pocket on my stomach, permanently attached, would I put my spawn in there? Hell no, I would put my shet in there so I would never have to carry a purse again. I dislike all animals that aren't inherently selfish. I think that is why I hate kangaroos.
3. When people open their mouths while they are chewing.
If you do this, you are disgusting. Nothing is less appetizing (except for chocoteeth) than watching someone eat with their mouth open. It is actually repulsive.
2. Lefty Standers
This is especially annoying at stations like Dupont Circle, Adams Morgan and Friendship Heights, where the escalators are so incredibly long that if you don't walk down/up them you will spend 10 minutes riding them. So I HATE it when lefty standers make it so that I can't walk down/up. And what I hate even more are the lefty standers that actually give me attitude when I tell them to move. You are ruining my day. RUINING MY DAY.
1. Chocoteeth
So those who know me know that I find poop to be pretty hysterical. One might even say my sense of humor is on par with a 5 year old boy when it comes to poop jokes. But I accidentally stumbled upon a poop joke that is so incredibly disturbing and disgusting that I puked a little when I saw it. If you google Chocoteeth, you will come upon a video of a man actually brushing his teeth with his own poop. This is one of the few times that I am ashamed of a poop joke. So incredibly repulsive.
But, because it is Monday, here is my hate list for this week:
10. The Chinese Government.
Do I really need to explain this one? The best thing China ever did was give the US the plot line for Mulan, which in turn produced one of the greatest songs ever made: Make a man out of you. I love me some Donny Osmond.
9. When other people have fun while I am forced to do something boring.
If you had more fun then me, I really DO NOT want to hear about it. Just shut up and let me go on living in denial .
8. When people give me answers to the crossword puzzle.
This is not a two person activity. I don't want to hear what you have to say.
7. Gwyenth Paltrow
You can just look at this betch's face and know that she thinks she is better than you. With her stupid hair and her stupid husband. She is about as Aryan as you can get. I mean she married the lead singer of Coldplay for God's sake. Whore.
6. Blisters on the bottom of your feet.
Then you have to pop them, and while this can be fun and satisfying, you without a doubt forget to grab a cloth or something to wipe the juice coming out with. Now you have to go get a cloth but because the blister is on the bottom of your foot you are getting the juice all over the floor. Then when all the juice is out, your foot is still sore because there is only a thin layer of dead skin protecting the new skin. Hey body! I would rather just use a freakin bandaid. You unhelpful son of a shitcock.
5. Time's 100 Most Influential People of 2010.
Mostly I am just furious at Time for not naming me number 1. Who is Oprah? No one has ever heard of Oprah. Now Ana? Yeah, everyone knows who Ana is.
4. Kangaroos
I know I may seem like the most logical, rational person ever, but I have a deep seeded hatred for Kangaroos that is really unexplainable. I think its their pouches. That's just disturbing. I think about if I had a giant pocket on my stomach, permanently attached, would I put my spawn in there? Hell no, I would put my shet in there so I would never have to carry a purse again. I dislike all animals that aren't inherently selfish. I think that is why I hate kangaroos.
3. When people open their mouths while they are chewing.
If you do this, you are disgusting. Nothing is less appetizing (except for chocoteeth) than watching someone eat with their mouth open. It is actually repulsive.
2. Lefty Standers
This is especially annoying at stations like Dupont Circle, Adams Morgan and Friendship Heights, where the escalators are so incredibly long that if you don't walk down/up them you will spend 10 minutes riding them. So I HATE it when lefty standers make it so that I can't walk down/up. And what I hate even more are the lefty standers that actually give me attitude when I tell them to move. You are ruining my day. RUINING MY DAY.
1. Chocoteeth
So those who know me know that I find poop to be pretty hysterical. One might even say my sense of humor is on par with a 5 year old boy when it comes to poop jokes. But I accidentally stumbled upon a poop joke that is so incredibly disturbing and disgusting that I puked a little when I saw it. If you google Chocoteeth, you will come upon a video of a man actually brushing his teeth with his own poop. This is one of the few times that I am ashamed of a poop joke. So incredibly repulsive.
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