Italian man shot in head sneezes out bullet and lives

You read the original report Here.


An Italian man has astonished doctors by sneezing a bullet out through his nose after being shot in the head.

Darco Sangermano, 28, had been taken to hospital in Naples for emergency treatment after being hit by a stray bullet during New Year's Eve celebrations.

The bullet passed behind his right eye and lodged in his nostril, but miraculously did no serious damage.

He is expected to make a full recovery, doctors say.

Mr Sangermano had spent New Year's Eve with his girlfriend in Naples.

As the city sky exploded in a traditional celebration of fireworks, firecrackers - and the occasional high-spirited blast of firearms - he was wandering the streets when a stray .22 calibre bullet struck him on the side of the head, behind his right eye.

Bleeding heavily, he was rushed to hospital.

But while he was waiting for doctors he sneezed - and the bullet popped out of his right nostril.

Doctors say it had been slowed down when it hit his skull - which almost certainly saved his sight, as well as his life.

Mr Sangermano is expected to undergo laser surgery on his right eye's damaged retina.

The top 6 signs that you are psycho.

So I saw Black Swan this past Friday with some friends and let me tell you, Natalie Portman went batshit crazy in that movie. And yes, that is the correct medical terminology. Anyway, despite what you may think, this blog is deep down all about helping people, and since I am pretty crazy to begin with, who better to help you figure out if your crazy or not than me? No one. I am pretty much the only reliable source to figure out if you are loonier than Bugs Bunny. That is why I am posting this helpful little guide disclosing The top 6 signs that you are psycho. I watched several different documentaries and read one memoir concerning mental issues and from each one I found a new sign of mental illness. They are listed below.

6.) Thinking that winged creatures of myth are killing those around you.

This one goes pretty low on the list because, well, lets face it: doesn't everyone think this at some point in their life? Usually when I wake up in the mornings and I am still brushing the last remnants of sleep off my first thought will be, "Shit, I have to deal with those Valkyrie things again today." Then I'll open my eyes and be like, "Wait, no I don't, their not real. I forgot." And then I shrug and go on with my day.
Well I learned from watching the documentary Max Payne that if you think these things are after you, it's probably cool and you just took too much acid or something. The only thing you really have to worry about is if these things make you hurt yourself. Yes, that's right, Valkyrie will probably make you go crazy and jump out of a window or something. That's why if you see them, just be sure to ignore them and remember that they have feelings too. Wouldn't it hurt your feelings if half the people who saw you tried to kill themselves?

5.) Thinking the Russians are after you.

This is kind of a double edged sword. On one hand you will start trying to break codes that don't exist in the newest issue of "US Weekly," on the other hand your work will be the basis for modern economics as well as political science. Just like John Nash did in A Beautiful Mind. So if you can handle trying to discover Russian communications while reading about how Jennifer Aniston got her heart broken AGAIN, then maybe you can handle this kind of crazy. If just having to read one more story about Lindsay Lohan on drugs wants to make you rip your eyeballs out, then maybe this isn't the right crazy for you. I'd say stick to thinking Valkyrie are following you around.

4.) Killing people based on their sins.

"WHATS IN THE BOX?!? WHATS IN THE BOX!?!?!?!?"

Just a bit of advice: Don't scream the above words at work. Most people will not get that you are referencing Se7en and will instead think you are a crazy bitch.

Now killing a fat dude by suffocating him with food may seem like a good punishment, but only if you are crazy. If you think this, I would say you should probably check into a mental hospital ASAP. Also, if you are a female and were able to watch this documentary, especially the scene where he kills the prostitute, and not puke, then you might be crazy.

Here is another good test of crazyness. Look at a cork screw wine opener (you know the kind that if you push it up and down it looks like a man doing jumping jacks) now think about that scene with the hooker. If you will not forever be disturbed by this type of wine opener, you might be a little crazy.

3.) Going on a sojurn to the wilds of Alaska.

If you are a skinny white kid with absolutely no background in hunting or camping, maybe it wouldn't be such a great idea to have someone drop you off in the middle of an Alskan forest with your only supplies being two tuna melts. A tuna melt wouldn't even last very long without being refridgerated. You should probably bring a current map and possibly a compass at the very least.

You know what got me the most about this crap: This dude lived in a bus for a while right? And when he tried to make it back to civilization was when he starved to death. Now the bus has become some sort of shrine for him with 200+ letters for him being left there. Think about that. That means more than 200 people were able to make it there and back with out dying. And for some reason those 200+ people are worshiping the one dumbass who couldn't make it back.

So if you ever get the grand idea to go off into the Alaskan wilderness with no supplies, you are either completely insane, or incredibly dumb.

2.) Thinking you are trapped in a life boat with a tiger.

I read this memoir a while ago, and like most things, I don't really give a crap if what I remember about it is accurate by any accounts. But I will say, if you think that you are trapped in a life boat with a tiger, a hyena and a monkey, get the hell out of there. The tiger is not your friend, but the thing you really need to be worried about is the goddamned hyena. I saw a "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" episode where a group of hyena's ate a baby pig. They ate the principal too. The fact that you choose to stay in a small boat with a tiger and a hyena and a monkey (all animals that are known to eat humans and all are animals that are stronger than you) shows that you are madder than the mad hatter. I would rather jump and take my chances floating in the ocean than staying in that life boat. The kid also at one point tries to eat the tiger's poop. That does not seem like a wise choice.

And if I remember correctly, which is unlikely, they weren't even animals. The kid was soo crazy that he thought they were animals, but they were just humans. That means that kid tried to eat some human's poop instead of a tiger's. For some reason, this makes that even more disgusting.

So if you are stuck on a boat with a human, but think it's a tiger and try to eat whatever-it-is's poop, you might be a tad bit loopy.

1.) Stabbing yourself in the face with a nail file or stabbing yourself in the liver with a piece of broken mirror.

Self mutilation doesn't always equal crazy, but it does if you use a nail file to stab yourself in the face. I take back that previous sentence, disregarding piercings or tattoos, self mutilation means your batshit crazy. Especially if you use a nail file to stab yourself in the face. And that wasn't even Natalie Portman who did that. That was just Winona Ryder.

What makes you really crazy is if you stab yourself with a jagged piece of mirror and then don't notice it for an hour. I'd say that is pretty bad news for your mentail health. But don't worry, while you forgot about it for an hour your liver was slowly bleeding out and now you are dead. Cheers!

9 things every woman does, but no one admits to.

This article/post will gross you out, just fyi.

So this morning I discovered that I was getting even more facial hair. It was quite tragic, but no fears, I nipped it in the butt right away. But because Rhett, my mustache's name, is becomeing quite problematic I needed to confide in my roommate Cat. When I told her about the tragedy we got to talking and I realized that this wasn't unique to me, every girl has issues like me, just no one ever talks about it. Well that ends here. I will talk about all the gross stuff no one talks about, but wants to.


9.)Picks their nose

Weirdly enough, this is not the first post I have had that mentions picking your nose, nor will it be the last. This goes to number nine because it isn't just women who do this, men do it as well. It does seem like women are much less likely to admit to it though. I have never seen a problem with nose picking, I quite enjoy it actually and I believe everyone should be able to pick their nose whenever they feel like.

8.)Eats weird food

So maybe you wouldn't be extreme enough to eat the above foods, especially in their featured state, but odds are that you have at one point in time (an probably more than once) eated a piece of popcorn that fell down your shirt at the movies. Or something similar to that. All girls want to pretend that they don't eat as gross of things as guys would, but we do when we think no one is watching. I can't even begin to count the number of times I have eaten food off of the floor. And maybe I am not norm, but I know Cat is and I have definitely seen her eat food that fell on the couch.

And when a girl gets drunk? Well she will eat almost anything in almost any condition. As long as she thinks no one is watching, but even if someone is she might not care. Let's no longer be ashamed of this girls. Dwight Schrute believes that the more you expose yourself to germs, the stronger your immune system will become. Now there isn't any scientific evidence to support this, but I think that you will find it is true. I might be exception to this though because I am always sick. So is Cat.

7.)Pop their blisters / Pick their scabs

When I pop a blister or pick a scab, or even pop a pimple, I think it is one of the most satisfying feelings ever. In fact I have some pretty infected cuts on my legs because everytime a scab forms, I can't help but pick it off. Picking the dead skin off of a healing blister is super satisfying as well. Don't take my word for it, go a head and do it yourself. But I know you already have, and I know you enjoyed it. Because it feels sooo good.

6.)Gets their Period

You may say, "Duh! Of course every girl gets her period!" And its true, at least I am like 83% sure all girls get their period. But I am not talking about that, I am talking abotu the fact that no one ever talks about it. We should embrace our periods women! Like in the above picture, we should show a little appreciate, possibly with hugging your tampons, it depends on if you are into that or not. So maybe their might be the inconvenience of pads and tampons and cramping, but think about it this way: You get to wear really comfy granny panties, you don't really have to shave your legs, drugs can take care of the pain, you can eat all the chocolate you want, and you get to be a huge bitch to the male population with the perfect excuse.

Basically you can let go of all the crazy you have been bottling up the past month and spew it out to whatever guy comes a long and blame PMS. They will just take it too because they are so uncomfortable with talking about periods.

Which leads me to another point, the not talking about periods and the euphamisims (sp?). Why do girls not talk to each other about their periods more? And why use all euphamisims to avoid talking about it? Now some are awesome like "the crimson wave," but others are stupid like "that time of the month." I realize "period" is one of euphamisims and the correct term is "menstration," but "period" is the vernacular term so its not as stupid as "that time of the month." Anyways, talk about your menstration, women. I sure talk about mine. It might make Cat uncomfortable, but then half the things I do make Cat uncomfortable.

5.)Chew their cuticles

Man, oh man am I bad at this. My cuticles look so bad that when I took my little sister to get a manicure and they badgered me into getting one as well, they took one look at my nails and told me no. That's right, they ask me to get a manicure and when I finally give in they think my nails are so awful that they refuse to give me one. I didn't care so much, but that little anicdote gives you a good idea of how messed up my nails and cuticles are. Thing is, everyone bites their cuticles. You do so don't deny it.

You might say, "Ana, picking your nose is way grosser than biting your cuticles so why is this so high up on the list?" I will tell you why, because when you biting your cuticles you are cannablizing yourself. Yup. You know you have swallowed little bits of your skin and so technically you ate yourself. Weird huh? Thing is, I know this, yet I still choose to do it. You probably will as well. You just can't help yourself you sick, sick fool.


4.) Likes the taste of their own blood

So I am talking about when you prick yourself and you get a little bit of blood swelling up on the tip of your finger, just like in the picture above, what do you do? I'll tell you. You suck the blood away. Don't try and tell me it's because you don't want the blood to smear or some stupid excuse like that. I know really, truly why you do it. You do it because you like drinking your own blood. Just a little. Its the same as will the cannablism. You eat your own flesh and drink your own blood and it is because you like it. It's totally gross and totally normal. Don't worry. You are not alone in this. I like the metallic, salty taste of my own blood as well. Now, it's not like I am going to go fill a glass of my blood and drink it, that would be strange, I simply just lick it up if I so happen to get a cut. And I never have more than even half of a drop. Besides I don't think you really could drink a glass of your own blood if you wanted too. The human body automatically regurgitates your stomach contents if you ingest more than one pint of blood. But that is the maximum, most humans are unable to consume even that much before our stomachs feel the need to purge themselves. And besides, you are probably full after eating all of that flesh off your cuticles.

Ever notice how flesh sounds more disturbing than skin?

3.)Groom their facial hair

I am not Italian, and I am pretty sure that I have no Italian in me what-so-ever as evidenced by the fact that evn though I took almost two years of Italian in college I can barely speak a lick of it. However, I sure have the facial hair of an Italian, and Italian man that is. I swear to God that I have more of a mustache than my 15, almost 16 year old brother. While I was doing my daily trimming of said mustache and previously unreported unibrow, I discovered something so horrifying, so disturbing that if you have a weak heart I suggest you stop reading this right now. I discovered muttonchops.

Thats right folks, I have mutton chops. No worries though, I went Rambo on my facial hair with a pair of scissors this morning so that there should be nothing there anymore. But if I stopped trimming and plucking for only one week, I swear I would look like the doppleganger of civil war general Ambrose Burnside.

"Ambrose Burnside"

Yes I would indeed look like the man who invented sideburns. (Little know fact: the name "sideburns" is actually a corruptions of "Burnside" which the facial hair is named after.) The worst part is? I can't nair them because the nair will actually burn my skin off before it removes the hair. I can't wax because it grows back so fast I would have to wax every other day and I don't have that kind of money. This means I have to trim my hair with scissors every morning. It is quite depressing.

So my shame should make it easier for the rest of the female population to be more upfront about the facial hair you have to trim. I know you have something, whether it be a mole that has some strange hairs sprouting, or muttonchops like me, don't feel too bad about your facial hair.

2.)Groom their boob / weird body hair

Don't worry, that is a man's nipple. But you girls know that you get hairs on your nipples. I do. Carla on Scrubs does. It happens. The only shame would be if you didn't get rid of them.

And you probably have weird patchs of hair on other parts of your body, or for that matter a lack of hair. I personally have hairy knuckles and toes that I have to shave. It's disturbing, but I take care of it. And I hope you take care of your shit too.

1.)Poops/farts

Half the reason this one got number 1 was because of the awesome toilet house picture I found. Really though, it's sweet.

The other half of the reason I made this number one was because I have heard so many times from guys, "Girls don't poop."

Yes we do. And to deny us that is just wrong. What? Do you want us to be constipated our entire lives? That wont be pleasant for either sex.

My little sister had a friend once who really didn't poop for like 3 months or something and she got so sick. Think about what a trash can smells like in 98 degree weather. It smells bad because all that crap is going rotten and rancid in the heat. Now imagine that trash in your body sitting in 98 degrees for more than a day. It's gross right? That is why it is much less gross to poop. At least that way the trash is out of your body, not in it.

So you poop, I poop, everybody poops. And shame on men for making women feel like their normal, healthy bodily functions make them less attractive. Its not like unwanted hair where there is a quick fix to get rid of the unattractiveness. Pooping is okay. Its normal and it's good for you.

Kit Carson: As told by Ana

Inspired by Drunk History from College Humor and a comment Cat made, I have decided to create a new segment where I retell the history of badass historical figures. I will probably do most of my research on wikipedia and cracked.com so I wouldn't take what I write here as the truth. Unless you trust those sources, which I do.

Today I will tell the tale of Kit Carson, a frontiersman and a generally terrible person.

Kit Carson grew up in Missouri during frontier time, I assume it was something like Fifel Goes West. Anyways he had a buttload of siblings and then his dad died because a tree fell on him. So then Kit has to drop out of school and start hunting because his family was starving. Then when he is 16 some guy he meets decides to go to Santa Fe, presumably because he heard that song in Rent where we all learn that Santa Fe is awesome and if you go there you magically become upper middle class. So this dude is like "Hey, Kit, come to Santa Fe with me." and Kit is like "Okay, dude, It's not like I am doing anything else, I already chopped up that tree that killed my dad." So off they go to Santa Fe and on his way Kit learns every single Native American language ever spoken.

So now Kit is out in California and what not and just trapping away collecting a bunch of beavers and also hunting animals. He goes to this mountain men meet up thing-a-ma-jig, which historical accounts say was equivalent to Burning Man (the Nicholas Cage movie). There he meets this Native American girl called Singing-Grass and he decideds he wants her, but this other trapper named Mr. C wants her too. Then Singing-Grass chooses Kit, but wait, because it's the olden days the men decide to have a duel over her. So they get up on horses and start running at each other when Kit shoots off Mr. C's thumb and Mr. C fails to shoot Kit. In Mr. C's defense, he was holding a rifle and I bet that would be hard as balls to aim while riding a horse.

Kit then gets mad street cred for beating Mr. C and getting the girl, but then he knocks her up a couple of times and dumps her. Then he gets another chick and she leaves him, all the while they have pretty much killed all of the beavers that they could kill and fashions are changing and whatnot so business is pretty slow. Because of all the bad luck with women and business Kit is like, "What the hell? I might as well become Catholic." So he does and he marries a 14 year old as his third wife. I know that back in the day that wasn't sooooo creepy, but it's still a little creepy. Especially because they ended up having like 10 billion kids. Ouch. I sympathize with that woman.

Kit then hooks up with this other frontiersman, Freemont or somthing like that, and they decide to finish mapping the second half of the Oregon Trail. These guys are wandering through what is now Nevada and getting attacked by Native Americans all the time and starving and what not. Only because Kit is a badass are they able to survive because apparently he was the only one in the expedition that could hunt. They end up proving on their second expedition that there wasnt a river connecting the Great Lakes to the Pacific Ocean. I know that sounds super dumb, but people actually believed that shit back then. Kit also ends up rescuing some mexcian dude and his son after Native Americans killed their family. But, apparently rescuing wasn't good enough, so Kit tracks down the Natives and ends up killing a bunch for vengance.

Then the same two dudes, as well as a bunch of other dudes, decide to go back out for a third expedition. While they are out and about Freemont is a total douche and is picking fights with everyone: Mexicans, Native Americans, and Immigrants, I mean everyone. Then one night they are all going to bed and Kit is like "Wait, dude, you didn't post a night guard for our camp." and Freemont is like, "Nah dude, but it's safe I don't hear shit out there. Plus, we are badass enough that we don't need a guard." Then Kit is like "Though I am troubled by these actions, I do not percieve any danger and so I shall take rest." They all go to bed and are sleeping like babies. But then kit hears a noise and looks over and sees his friend and cuddle partner is dead and covered in blood. They were being attacked by Native Americans who killed 3 of their men. Kit kills one Native American before they could escape and he ends up going psycho and bashing the guys face in beyond recognition. I am talking like people had to pull him away psycho. Now Freemont and Kit are all like "We have to get revenge!" So they pretty much spend the day wandering around looking for any tribe they can and when they find one, even though it wasn't their attackers, they go barbaric on the tribe. They killed women and children and raped and plundered and set fire too. It was real bad, especially becuase this tribe was a pacifist tribe.

In case you hadn't noticed, this is around the time Kit becomes a terrible human being. And example of this would be when he captures a Mexican dude and his two sons who were pretty much innocents and had committed no crimes other than being Mexican and happend to be carrying official documents on them. Kit takes these dude to Freemont and asks what he want to do with them and Freemont is like "I don't want shit to do with them." So Kit kills them and leaves their bodies to be robbed and disgraced. It doesn't matter that he regrets it, it was awful.

Then Kit fights in the Mexican American war which wasn't too eventful other than they were loosing pretty badly so Kit snuck off to get reinforcements. He apparently traveled over 100 miles barefoot because his boots made too much noise. He got the reinforcements and they didn't loose. Hooray.

Then, because Americans were still super racist back then, Kit became the equivalent of a modern day action hero because people thought his mercilessly slaying Native Americans was a good thing. They wrote books about him being a badass and stuff.

This is where he just becomes satan. Kit is told by the government to get the Navajos to move to the reservation the government designated for them. The reservation was essentially a wasteland (I can confirm this, I have been there) and the Navajos were like "Feck no, we won't go." So instead of trying to reach some sort of peaceful agreetment, Kit poisens their crops, kills their livestock and destroying their villages. The Navajo become so poor because their entire trading system was in shambles, they were forced to surrender to the U.S., aka Kit.

Don't worry, reader, not all of the Navajo surrendered. About half of them, or 8,000 decided to tough it out in the back country. Like super badasses.

The most redeeming quality of Kit Carson was his famous last words. "I just wish I had time for one more bowl of chili." Was the last thing he said before he died of an anyerism or however you spell that.

The thing that really gets me about this dude was that it didn't matter how terrible he was to Native Americans or Mexicans, he is still viewed as a heroic frontiersman. Americans can be super dickholes sometimes.

12 Reasons why I think the world will end in 2012

Usually I am right - scratch that - I am always right. That's better.
Yes, I am always right, which is why you should being paying my words heed when I proclaim that the world is ending in 2012. I may have no "scientific" evidence to back this claim up, but then you can't spell "scientology" with out "Scient" and we all know scientology is a load of crap so we can only assume that science is as well. But I do know that as readers you will want evidence as to why I think that the world will end in 2012 so I have created a list of 12 reasons why I think the world will end in 2012.

12.) The recent vampire craze / Stepheney Meyer.

I am not condeming all vampire realted TV Shows, books, movies, or what have you, in fact, I am an avid fan of True Blood. No, I am specifically pointing to the Twilight Series. The fact that this piece of shit masquarading as a novel was able to become a phenomenom is absolutely mind blowing. Call me a literature snob or whatever but I attempted to give this book series a fair shot. I read the whole first book. And then I vomited. I felt as though I might have actually have become stupider after reading it. Dear God, it is one of the most read books in America. Why can't our youth have such an appreciation for Wuthering Heights, or if they are into fantasy, The Stand. I think the fact that this book became a best seller is a sure sign of our impending doom.

11.) FourLoko gets outlawed.

When they out lawed Four Loko, it seemed like the governement was taking an intentional dump on me. I loved Four Loko, I loved it like it was a family member. It was therefore me through the goodtimes, like my graduation party, and the bad times, like that terrible camping trip my friends convinced me to go on. Four Loko never deserted me, until now. Don't worry Four Loko, I know it's not your fault, it's the U.S. governments fault. And when the U.S. government starts taking away my best friends like this, I think it's safe to say that this is a sign that the end of the world is near.

10.) Hulu Plus.

In the early 1900's Aliens invaded the earth using a subtle strategy that was to lead to their eventual take over. They began invading the arts. Then, in the 70's, they invented Hulu as a way to speed up their takeover. It was ingenious, by getting us addicted to watching the T.V. on the computer, they were melting our minds away. In a 2009(or around that time) ad campaign they came right out and explained it all to us, usuing one of their most successful creatures, Alec Baldwin. But America never realized that Hulu wasn't joking. America just laughed away. Perhaps this has to do with our brains already melting.

Now Hulu has taken another step towards their ultimate goal of world domination, Hulu plus. Hulu plus is the most magnificently horrible thing to ever happen to me. It keeps me trapped in my bed for hours at a time, unable to accomplish even the most menial task because I cannot stop watching every single episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in order. Soon, everyone will be paralyzed by the convenience of having every episode of your favorite shows available for your watching for only a small monthly fee. We will watch these shows with a hypnotic obedience and eventually we will no longer have brains at all. At this point the Aliens will assasinate all public political leaders and secure their position as the human race's new masters. This will happen in December, 2012.

9.) Starbucks downsize.

Just like the animals who have a supernatural ability to sense when something is inherently wrong with the earth so they retreat, Starbucks has begun it's retreat. It used to be that you couldn't through your empty soy mocha cup without hitting a Starbucks, now, you might have to walk up to two whole blocks before encountering one. GASP. The Starbucks are downsizing because they know the world will end and they are utilizing their escape plan while they still have time. By the time December 2012 rolls around, there won't be a Starbucks in sight.

8.) MonsterQuest.

By proving that so many monsters (which had become staples in not only my child development, but in my view and perception of the world and how it works) don't exist, this show has fractured the delicate human psyche. I know I am not the only one who cried when it was proven that the Loch Ness Monster doesn't exist. This show's lack of boundries when it comes to the human condition is a recipe for disaster. People will begin to riot if they are ever able to prove Bigfoot doesn't exist. These riot will grow in size until there will be no SWAT team in the world that can supress the people. Think: UMD riot where the couch was lit on fire times one billion. Yes, that big. And all because the producers at MonsterQuest coudln't control themselves.

Note: The MonsterQuest crew has not been able to prove that Bigfoot isn't real, they were unable to find evidence that suggested he wasn't real, however they haven't found any evidence to suggest that he is real. They have been able to prove that Hogzilla is real, or at least a form of him is, so there's that.

7.) Global warming.

I don't really have anything to say about Global warming other than it ruined my graduation by dumping a foot of snow on it and then tried to ruin my graduation party by sending snowmaggedon. Bitch. I will say that this is definitely a sign that the end of the world is close.

6.) Reality TV.

The complete downward spiral that television has taken recently is a clear indication of the end of the world. I think the above picture is all the explanation needed.

5.) The economy.

Even though I currently work in Investor Relations, I don't even begin to grasp all of the components of the economy. I also don't even try to keep up with politics so I am unsure of what the politically correct thing to say about the economy is now-a-days. What I do know is that it is in the shitter. I know this mostly because it is extremly difficult to get a job. I think that this will ad a lot of desperation to the riot started by MonsterQuest. It will add looting as well.

4.) Nostradamus.

Below is the quatrain by Nostradamus about the world ending in 2012:

"During the appearance of
The Bearded Star, the three
great princes will be made
enemies. The shaky peace on
earth will be struck by fire
from the skies. Po, The
winding Tiber, a serpent placed
on the shore."

MABUS will soon die,
Then will come a horrible
slaughter of people and animals
At once vengance revealed coming
from a hundred hands
Thirst and Famine when
The Comet shall pass"

Continue reading for my explanation of this.

3.) John Cusack.

John Cusack made a movie about how the world will end in 2012 and he doesn't lie. If he says the world is ending in 2012, it is. Though not in the way the movie says it is.

2.) Mayan Calandar.

I went and visited the Yucatan peninsula once and while I was there I saw a whole bunch of Mayan ruins. This makes me a certifyable expert on Mayans, according to myself. Now their calandar says the world will end in 12/2012. I have looked at the calandar and verified this information myself. The Mayans, like John Cusack and Shakira's hips, don't lie. If their calander ends in 12/2012 it's because thats when the world ends, not because they simply ran out of space like the above completely inaccurate, though somewhat amusing cartoon depicts.

1.) Because I said so / Little Women.

In Little Women one of the girls dies, and right before she dies she says something along the lines of "I don't really care that I die becuase while you guys were planning for your futures, I wasn't really planning on anything. So I am not disappointed at all because I never planned anything for me to miss out on. I think this is a sign that I am supposed to die."

So here is my deal, I haven't really planned out my future either. I guess I have a lot of different things that I would like to be, but nothing that I felt an intense need to be. In fact I can't really see myself past Decemeber 2012. Now, I don't think this is due to my impending death (well maybe it is in a way), but I think this is due to my impending death and ressurection.

Check it: I am reasonable sure that my body is going to be the vessel to house the anti-christ. This is why I drew the above picture where my eyes are shooting laser beams to cause an explosion.

My theory about all of this crap: MonsterQuest will start a riot and the terrible economy will fuel the anger of the rioters. I will join in the riots because MonsterQuest upsets me so much and due to the fact that I don't have a job so I have nothing better to do. During the riot I will raid the Jersey Shore house because I honestly cannot figure out why any of them are famous. In an attempt to defend himself from me, Pauly D will start DJing as a defense mechanism. The simplistic and annoying beats, along with his attempt to dance and Snooki's squealing will eventually kill me. Do not fear readers! I will rise again relatively quickly as the anti-christ.

As the anti-christ I will incite the rapture which will allow the aliens to begin their takeover. Me and my minions will battle the Hulu aliens and eventually win. Global Warming isn't global warming at all, but instead it is the earth gradually turning into hell and I begin my reign of terror.

Now when I am the anti-christ, you all are going to love me for a while because you are oblivious to my evilness. Then you will figure out what I am and half of you will hate me, because I am the anti-christ, and the other half will love me still because you have it in your twisted minds that things that are inherently evil (like vampires) are actually good inside. Next thing you know it looks like this huge comet is hurtling right at the earth, a la Nostradumus' prediction. I call up Bruce Willis and convince him to take out the comet with some sort of missile or whatever they use in the movie. My immediate reaction to call on Bruce Willis pisses off Robert Duvall and John Cusack and the three fight, just like Nostradamus said they would. But Bruce Willis ends up destorying the comet and the earth is all good.

I realize that I didn't need the comet to destroy earth, because I was already destroying it, and even though I am the anti-christ, I turn over a new leaf. I become super good. So good that the Jews think that I am their Messiah. The Devil gets pissed at me, but I'm like "Whatevs" and go on doing my humanitarian thing. But I shouldn't have ignored the Devil like that because then he kills me and the earth gets super destroyed. Then the Russian end up nuking everyone on 12/21/2012, including themselves.

Incase you hadn't guessed it, I am MABUS. I know this because if you give numerical values to each of the letters they add up to 56 and if you give a numberical value to each of the letters in my college nickname, analbin (It's not what you think I'll tell you in a sec), they add up to 53. Both of those solutions are in the 50's, proving that I am MABUS in Nostradamus' quatrain as well as the anti-christ.

BAM! I just blew your mind.

Note: My college nickname was analbin not because I was a bin for anal but because of an unfortunate screen name my mother created for me for a housing website. They combined my first and last name together in possibly the most humiliating way possible. It was very hard to find a room mate on that website because of this name. I embraced it though and ended up with possibly the most awesome graduation cap ever. Maybe I'll post a picture of it sometime.

6 Historical Figures I Fell in Love with

There is a slight possibility that I am not particularly open with my emotions. Therefore I have decided to explain the 6 Historical Figures I have fallen in love with and the reasoning behing my love. Consequently, this will probably be my only article that is factually accurate and heavily researched.

6.)Benedict Arnold

Arnold is always getting a bad rap for crossing sides to the British during the revolutionary war, but wouldn't you if you were constantly getting shit on no matter how awesome you fought? Before he switched sides he was kicking some major ass for the Americans, but not only did they pass him over for a promotion, they told him that he actually owed Congress money. This is after he had already spend a crap load of his own money on the war.
He was alos a TOTAL badass when it came to fighting. The most beast battle he ever fought was the Battle of Valcor Island. Now listen to this shit: The British Army was coming after the Americans with this huge navy and the Colonies had pretty much nada. So, like a total badass, Arnold was like "Feck this shit" and pretty much grabbed anything that could float and strapped a cannon to it. Think: the door Kate Winslet is floating on at the end of Titanic - yeah, Arnold grabbed shit like that and strapped a cannon to it.
Obviously he was smart enough to know that cannons attached to doors weren't going to beat the English, these were diversions. He basically led the English on a wild goose chase all around Lake Champlain with pretty much no troups. Now the Colonies totally lost this battle, but by the time the English had won, it was too late and they had to retreat back to Canada. A butload of historians agree that if it wasn't for Arnold and his awsome plan, the British would have invaded America and we would have lost the war. Arnold bought us some major time to gather our troops.
But even after he did awesome stuff like this, we still wouldn't give him a promotion. No wonder he switched to the British who were offereing mad money! Look, some people care about what side you are fighting on and stuff, but I don't know that it would have been that bad if the British had won the war. I mean, hey, we would all have awesome accents. Have you ever noticed that every accent from anywhere sounds awesome but an American accent sounds stupid? I have and it sucks. English come here and they sound smart, we go there and we sound like dickheads. All Arnold was trying to do was make sure we kept the sweet accents. And that, my reader, is why I love him.

5.) Winston Churchill

Look at him when he was younger, wasn't he a cutie?

So not only was he the greatest wartime leader the war has ever seen, but he is also the only British Prime Minister to win the Nobel Prize in Literature. You see, he was also an author and a historian. Not to mention he actually got a size of a cigar named after him. I also read somewhere that he hated math. I do too! We totally would have been a perfect match.

One thing he did that was super awesome and so brave was after he retired from the military, he acted as a war correspondant for some English newspaper in the Second Boer War in 1899. For this he traveled to South Africa where he went on a scouting expedition on some train. Here is where he becomes awesome (remember he wasn't in the military, he was just a journalist at this point) he gets captured and held as a prisoner of war in some prison camp made out of a converted school for girls. Like the badass that he is, he escapes from prision and with the help of some miner dude he travels 300 miles to a Portugese territory. He was supposed to get the British equivalent of the Medal of Honor for this, but they gyped him. Then, instead of going home like normal escaped POW's would do, he decided to stay to continue covering the war.

From there I am sure everyone knows about all the great shit he did, but not only was he a great strategist and an extremely intelligent man, he was also a badass. Who wouldn't love a guy like that?

4.) John Nash

There is the high likely hood that I am actually in love with Russell Crowe's depiction of John Nash in "A Beautiful Mind" rather than the actual John Nash. But the man did create the "Nash Equilibrium" and his advanced work with game theory was the basis for modern economics and the reason he earned the Nobel Prize in 1994. Yes, he did have an intense struggle with Paranoid Schizophrenia, but don't all geniuses have a few flaws? I am sure it made like much more interesting, like a movie.

Apparently he was convinced that men who wore red ties were attempting to usurp the U.S. government and start their own in some sort of political coup. He wrote frantic letters to embassies attempting to explain his fears. His wife admitted him to a hospital for his Schizophrenia but he was released after a while. He then withdrew from his teaching career at MIT. He then "went to Europe, unsuccessfully seeking political asylum in France and East Germany. He tried to renounce his U.S. citizenship. After a problematic stay in Paris and Geneva, he was arrested by the French police and deported back to the United States at the request of the U.S. government."
Ok so most of his badass stuff was made up, but he still was incredibly intelligent and successful and pathetic. How could you not love a man like that?

3.) Martin Luther King Jr.

Maybe I have a thing for Nobel Prize winners, after all 3 of the guys on this list won them including Martin Luther King Jr. who was the youngest person to recieve the Nobel Peace Prize. Now I am sure it is clear to everyone why I love this man. Everyone knows of his awesome deeds, and unlike some of the guys on this list, he was really into peace and stuff. Because of this I wont spend a lot of time on explaining why I love him, but I would like you guys to notice that he was an attractive man. No one ever points that out, but he totally was.

2.) Abraham Lincoln

Even this man's childhood was awesome, he grew up on the American frontier. How amazing would it have been to have been on the cutting edge of exploration. One of the first settlers of the American wilderness. And he was there. He was there for so many amazing moments in American history, as well as created several of them.
He was also 6'4" which means he is as tall as Jason Segal, or the height of that tall dude from "How I Met Your Mother."

I am sure you all know the story about how after becoming the 16th president of the United States the south secession began the civil war. Then came the war and then the Emancipation Proclomation and yada yada yada. You all know the rest and there is no way I could possibly sum up the Civil War and Lincoln's life in a small blurb about my love for him.

I constantly think about what my actions would be if I was in Nazi Germany during WWII. Would I have continued living my life and hoped I didn't get killed? Would I have taken a stand against the Nazis? In all likelyhood I probably would have deserted Eroupe for America and then worked in one of those mills as a Rosey the Riviter type so that I could kinda feel good about myself while the whole time wishing I had the balls to be like that chick in Inglorious Bastards. And this is totally not off topic because I wonder if I was Abe Lincoln if I would have had the balls to free the slaves. Not that I am pro-slavery, but I am a bit selfish and I would would have been far to scared for my own neck to do something for others. And I don't think that this makes me a terrible person at all. I think most people are like this. It is easy to look back and say you would have hid Anne Frank or whatever, but would you really have if you are going to be honest with yourself? I think that I would want to, but I would be way too much of a pussy to actually do it. I'm just being honest here.

And this is why I love Abraham Lincoln. Because he is not a big pussy like me. Plus, when he was younger, he was totally hot.

1.) John Keats

It should come as a surprise to no one that John Keats made number one on this list. I still cry over his death, and that isn't even sarcastic or a joke. He was the greatest poet that every lived, in my opinion, and I think it is incredibly tragic that he died at the young age of 26 in 1821.

"Ode to a Nightengale" is one of the most hauntingly sweet poems I have ever read and it inspired me to actually attempt to get my PhD.

He was never a rich man, but he was still able to enjoy and worship the most beautiful things in life. When reading his poems if almost seems as though you are wading around in the luxoury of his words.

The movie "Bright Star" tells the tale of his life and his one true love Fanny Brawne. What a lucky bitch. I wish I had the greatest poet who ever lived in love with me. When he dies at the end of that movie, I can't stop sobbing for hours. It hits me so hard.

Another great poem of his is "Isabella; or the Pot of Basil." That is one creepy ass poem. Its about this chick who carries around the head of her dead lover in a bot of Basil. Someone should really make a movie out of it with like Jennifer Connelly starring as Isabella or something.

The greatest thing about this guy is that he didn't make his living as a poet, no, he was a doctor. His entire family was sick with consumption, which was incredibly deadly and contagious in that day and instead of running for the hills like most people would have, he stayed and took care of them. He stayed and used his training to ease their pain while watching them die a slow, slow death and the entire time he watched them die, he knew he was going to die the same way. He knew he was going to die of the disease because he was already coming down with it while he was caring for his family. Here is the kicker though, there are plenty of reports that say if John had removed himself from his sick family members when he first fell ill, he would have recovered and lived till who knows when. He choose to stay and take care of his dying family because it was his duty and this is what killed him.

Shortly after the last of his family died, but before he was seriously ill himself, he meets Fanny and they fall madly in love. He writes her all of these beautiful letters that are just hearbreaking. He can't really see her though because he is so ill. Then his friends and the doctors get this idea that John should go to Italy because the warmer weather would make him better. Fanny can't come though because they aren't married and they can't get married because he is in a lower class than her and has no money. Her parents won't let her marry him for that reason, not to mention he is deathly ill. So he goes off to Italy to try and get better and find inspiration. He's thinking in Italy he might get inspired like Lord Byron did and then become a wealthy, healthy poet who can come back and marry Fanny. Then the voyage to Italy was so strenuous on his health he ends up dying in Italy before he can ever see her face again. Fanny never got married.

See? Tragic, right?

Oh man, I love him so much just for his writing talents, but then his bravery in the face of death, well lets just say its overwhelming.

My plan to win a zombie apocalypse. By Ana, Age 21.

Lending to my obsession with fantasy and a dash of sci-fi, I have several different survival plans based on different apocalyptic scenarios. I gather this information from movies, books, and scientific articles I made up. Now my plans for a vampire insurgence pretty much equates to becoming one. The werewolf one involves just staying near a beach at all times (seriously though, when have you ever heard of a werewolf going anywhere near a beach?). Most of my other plans have similar simplistic solutions. The only one that is worth going into any detail over is my plan in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Now, zombie movies/books/t.v. shows never seem to get the survival plan exactly right. I don’t understand this. Especially when Bert from Tremors has pretty much handed us a fool proof plan. I know what you are going to say, Graboids and zombies are completely different. But the basic concepts are the same.

Step 1.0 Get a fortress.
I have a couple of places I keep in mind at all times that would be good fortresses. If there was a zombie attack, I would get my ass over there immediately. One place is Eleanor Roosevelt High School in Greenbelt, MD. This high school has no windows and is constructed completely of brick. No zombie would be able to break into that thing. There is also a working kitchen due to it being a highschool. The same merits of this building are also the same reasons why a prison would be an excellent strategic fortress.
I just realized what the last sentence says about the high school.
But travelling to this fortess would be quite easy I believe due to the fact that it is not exactly out of the city. Therefore there would be only slight traffic towards it. I think if you could travel along the Metro tunnels you could make it to the Greenbelt station. From there we would be able to travel via dirtbike and ATV across Greenbelt park and avoid most major roads.

Also living in MD would be the perfect place to fend off zombies, mostly due to the ridiculous weather. Think about it, in the summer it is unreasonably warm and the zombies would probably rot. In the winter it is unreasonably cold and the zombies would get freezer burn or something.

Step 1.2 Get MREs
Bert taught me that MREs , or Meals Ready to Eat, are the perfect nutrition in any battle scenario. Steal as many as you possibly can.

Step 1.3 Make sure you have some sort of water supply.
It doesn’t necessarily have to be clean because you can boil the water later on. Most public buildings, schools and prisons, have access to emergency water supplies. Check the building plans.
Now that you have your fortress problems solved it’s time to discuss who you want on your rag tag team of helpers. Now don’t think about current friends or family, think more along the lines of central casting stereotypes.


Step 2.0 Figure out where you lie in the band of brothers.
Once you peg yourself into a certain stereotype, then build the rest of the group around what you are missing. I myself am the strong female who wasn’t a warrior before, but isn’t afraid to kick some ass. I am ruthless, but will sacrifice myself to make sure others survive. I am also the main love interest for all of the males.

Step 2.1 Find a guy who is battle hardened (aka Hero)
Now he has to know his way around a fight, but he also has to be hot. And he has to have a hard shell that you break down with your witticisms and good looks to reveal a gooey center that means he will do anything to protect you. He also should know some good battle strategies.

Step 2.2 Find a techno nerd.
Find someone, preferably a cute guy, who knows how to fix any computer/hack into anything/create power sources/fix all technological problems. They should also wear funny T-shirts, have black glasses, and be dashingly attractive while endearingly shy.

Step 2.3 Get a doctor.
This should be an ER doctor or someone of this nature that can think well under stress an perform MacGuiver-like surgeries during the heat of the battle. Also should be a handsome man.
Step 2.4 Get a girl.
It doesn’t really matter who she is, or what she does. She just has to be less attractive than you and whinier than you. Her only purpose is to make you more likeable no matter how big your head gets from all the men falling in love with you.
Now that you have the cast that you need, you should probably let everyone else die. I know it sounds harsh but they will just slow you down and serve no purpose. If you have these people in your group of friends, great, otherwise stop worrying about your loved ones. If you really care about them, share these plans with them now so that they will be able to survive without you.


Step 3.0 Get a stockpile of weapons.
This is where your gang will come in handy. Before the complete takeover of the zombies, get the battle hardened due to tell you where a huge stockpile of government weapons is. Next get the techno nerd to hack into the security system for you. Then go along with the Hero to steal all of the weapons and hightail it back to your fortress.

Ok, I revise this statement. Most zombies are attracted to noise, so therefore get a crossbow and a crap load of arrows. Always stay far enough away that you can shoot the arrows, but aren't close enough to get sprayed by the zombis blood.

Step 3.1 Raid a home depot.
Similar to Step 3.0, but on home depot. You really don’t know about the tools and shit you might need, so take as much as you can.

Step 3.2 Jack everything you can from Best Buy.
Just like Step 3.0 and Step 3.1, you don’t know what computer shit you might need for Techno nerd, so steal everything you can now.

Step 3.3 Rob an army surplus store.
I am sure you are capable of imagining the usefulness of this, but I must metion that it is incredibly important to keep your body covered at all times. If you get the tiniest bit of zombie blood in your system, you are done. So if you even have a nick from shaving, make sure it stays covered by biohazard level gear, underneath army quality camo. You can find all of this at a surplus store.

Step 3.4 Hoard as much Gas as possible.
In every disaster movie a lack of gas is a huge problem. If you hoard as much of it as you can you will be much better off.


Step 4.0 Be able to shoot those who you used to love.
Now I understand the problem most might have with shooting a loved one, but if they are a zombie, you have to shoot them. Otherwise they will eat you. I am very sorry Mommy, but if you become a zombie and try to eat me, I will kill you. I mean you were already dead, so it’s not like I would be really killing you. I don’t think a whole lot of people would be able to kill their own mothers, even in this scenario, which is one of the reasons I told you to ditch everyone but your gang.


Now you need to think of defense strategies:

Step 5.0 Keep livestock around.
Just in case a zombie crowd discovers your hide out, you should use livestock to distract them while you make your escape.

Step 5.1 Dig a moat.
I don’t know how plausible this is, but seeing how impossible a zombie apocalypse is to begin with, I am gonna say this might be possible. Dig a moat. Zombies can’t swim, they can barely walk. If you dig a moat around your fortress the zombies will fall in and won’t be able to get out.


Ok so I think that is pretty much it when it comes to my zombie apocalypse plan. If I need to add anything I will let you know. It’s pretty much foolproof though. Also, fyi, the government, or anyone really, won’t be able to organize society again after the apocalypse so you should pretty much not give birth to any kids and let your species die out. You don’t really want to give a zombie ridden world to your kids do you?