SUCK IT WORLD
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Proof that I am the voice of the future.
A while ago I wrote this article but now I have just read this Cracked article which proves I am the voice of the future.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
A funny thing happened at work.
A funny thing happened at work.
Someone was talking to me, but I wasn't paying attention because I was rigorously lotioning my hands (they become very dry in the winter). Anywho they were chatting away and I would pick up words here and there, but for the most part I was lotioning my hands and thinking about if I took any more Motrin whether or not my liver would collapse. Then they said:
"blah blah blah blah honesty."
And I immediately jerked my head up and said:
"Wait, I don't have any Tea."
Someone was talking to me, but I wasn't paying attention because I was rigorously lotioning my hands (they become very dry in the winter). Anywho they were chatting away and I would pick up words here and there, but for the most part I was lotioning my hands and thinking about if I took any more Motrin whether or not my liver would collapse. Then they said:
"blah blah blah blah honesty."
And I immediately jerked my head up and said:
"Wait, I don't have any Tea."
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
BRB
Man, have I been busy. And not even with fun stuff, just with work. I was stuck at the office till like 11:30 last night and had to come in at 5:30 this morning. Yuck.
Anywho, that is why I haven't had a chance to write on the blog for a while. Because I am trying to scrape together at least a little bit of a social life when I am not working. Even that is difficult when I don't have to worry about this blog on top of everything else.
I know, I know: you are so incredibly dissapointed that you don't have me here to entertain you. NEVER FEAR THOUGH! I will post something humorous soon enough. As soon as I finish working and after I figure out how to make it so my belly isn't making noises loud enough that my coworker thought that I was groaning due to an injury.
Seriously though, why is my tummy rumbling so loudly? I know I am not hungry, I just had lunch like an hour ago. Weheheheird.
Anywho, that is why I haven't had a chance to write on the blog for a while. Because I am trying to scrape together at least a little bit of a social life when I am not working. Even that is difficult when I don't have to worry about this blog on top of everything else.
I know, I know: you are so incredibly dissapointed that you don't have me here to entertain you. NEVER FEAR THOUGH! I will post something humorous soon enough. As soon as I finish working and after I figure out how to make it so my belly isn't making noises loud enough that my coworker thought that I was groaning due to an injury.
Seriously though, why is my tummy rumbling so loudly? I know I am not hungry, I just had lunch like an hour ago. Weheheheird.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Rat Kings: An Education
Above is a picture of a Rat King. This is essentially when rats who are living in a nest together get their tails entwined due to the filthy conditions. With each pull they become more stuck until they literally cannot get free of the other rats. Rat kings are considered to be the most unhealthly thing on the entire planet as they only exist when rats become excessively filthy. Think about that: take the dirtiest creature on the planet (a rat) and think of what they would consider dirty and then you understand why Rat Kings are supposed to be so incredibly gross.
Eventually all the rats die, either from starvation because they couldn't make it to any food, or from dimemberment because they struggle so much to get free they actually rip their own bodies in half.
In Medieval times they believed Rat Kings to be bad luck. Possibly because they consisted of terrifying wheels of enraged, crazed, disease infested rodents covered in their own shit. Yes, I could see how that might be bad luck.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Goddamn it MAX!
So through recent scientific sleuthing I have figured out that my older brother, Max, has pretty much effected almost every aspect of my personality.
Note: I have two younger siblings, Elle and Teddy, as well but they were adopted and this pertains more to genetics. So for the purposes of this article it is completely Max's fault.
He made me short.
OK, so maybe I'm not exactly short. Alright, I guess I'm tall at 5'9", but according to this article I read, if I was first born I could have been significantly taller. Like two inches taller. But because Max got to my mother's uterus first, he zapped all the good shit away and left me with a second hand one. They have actually proven this. And it's bullshit.
He shaped my entire personality.
So when I was growing up I was super-duper girly. Like really, really girly. I mean, I would watch Cinderella over and over and over again and everything in my room had to be pink or unicorns. I was also really into Ballet and Musical theater. But recently, I'm not really into any of that stuff anymore. I have started liking football and cigars and beer. Turns out this is Max's fault.
Younger siblings who grow up with the opposite sex have been scientifically proven to swing wholly into their gender stereotypes as children. Okay, this makes sense - I wanted to be as opposite as my brother as possible.
Here is where it gets weird though: Once you no longer live and interact with your opposite sex older sibling, the majority of the younger siblings will swing in the opposite direction, taking on many traits that are considered "gender defining" of the opposite sex. Which makes complete sense. Pretty much as soon as Max and I stopped living together and seeing each other everyday I started getting into more manly things and less girly ones. But it really only applies to the younger sibling who is genetically related to the older one. Which is so strange. Like really, really weird. And the thing is, the scientists don't know why this happens.
Well, he deserves a pat on the back for making me funny
I know you all think I am funny. I am funny. You know that. Well apparently it's because of Max. UC Davis did a study where they recorded sets of siblings telling jokes and the younger siblings were always ranked funnier, even when they read the same jokes. Also, in London they did some sort of interview with thousands of sibling pairs and they found that everyone thinks the younger sibling is funnier. While it makes sense in an attention seeking sort of way, they believe it is genetic. I didn't really want to read about it because I was so lost but I think it was genetic.
He took all the smart genes
For pretty much the same reason that he made me short, he made me stupider. Because I got stuck with the used uterus. On average the first born is 2 IQ points smarter. Damnit!
Alright, he did one last nice thing for me, he made me nicer
I don't really understand this one either, but scientists are saying that younger siblings can express empathy better and that we are able to socialize better. Knowing my brother and I, that is completely true.
I think all of this crap applies to my little brother, Teddy, and my little sister, Elle. Elle is the older one and Teddy is shorter, pretty manly because they still live together, he is pretty funny, and he has trouble in school. The only problem here is that Elle is most definitely the nicer of the two. She is a totally sweethear.
But based on most sibling patterns, as soon as Elle goes away to college, Teddy is going to become super effeminante. That will be funny to see.
Note: I have two younger siblings, Elle and Teddy, as well but they were adopted and this pertains more to genetics. So for the purposes of this article it is completely Max's fault.
He made me short.
OK, so maybe I'm not exactly short. Alright, I guess I'm tall at 5'9", but according to this article I read, if I was first born I could have been significantly taller. Like two inches taller. But because Max got to my mother's uterus first, he zapped all the good shit away and left me with a second hand one. They have actually proven this. And it's bullshit.
He shaped my entire personality.
So when I was growing up I was super-duper girly. Like really, really girly. I mean, I would watch Cinderella over and over and over again and everything in my room had to be pink or unicorns. I was also really into Ballet and Musical theater. But recently, I'm not really into any of that stuff anymore. I have started liking football and cigars and beer. Turns out this is Max's fault.
Younger siblings who grow up with the opposite sex have been scientifically proven to swing wholly into their gender stereotypes as children. Okay, this makes sense - I wanted to be as opposite as my brother as possible.
Here is where it gets weird though: Once you no longer live and interact with your opposite sex older sibling, the majority of the younger siblings will swing in the opposite direction, taking on many traits that are considered "gender defining" of the opposite sex. Which makes complete sense. Pretty much as soon as Max and I stopped living together and seeing each other everyday I started getting into more manly things and less girly ones. But it really only applies to the younger sibling who is genetically related to the older one. Which is so strange. Like really, really weird. And the thing is, the scientists don't know why this happens.
Well, he deserves a pat on the back for making me funny
I know you all think I am funny. I am funny. You know that. Well apparently it's because of Max. UC Davis did a study where they recorded sets of siblings telling jokes and the younger siblings were always ranked funnier, even when they read the same jokes. Also, in London they did some sort of interview with thousands of sibling pairs and they found that everyone thinks the younger sibling is funnier. While it makes sense in an attention seeking sort of way, they believe it is genetic. I didn't really want to read about it because I was so lost but I think it was genetic.
He took all the smart genes
For pretty much the same reason that he made me short, he made me stupider. Because I got stuck with the used uterus. On average the first born is 2 IQ points smarter. Damnit!
Alright, he did one last nice thing for me, he made me nicer
I don't really understand this one either, but scientists are saying that younger siblings can express empathy better and that we are able to socialize better. Knowing my brother and I, that is completely true.
I think all of this crap applies to my little brother, Teddy, and my little sister, Elle. Elle is the older one and Teddy is shorter, pretty manly because they still live together, he is pretty funny, and he has trouble in school. The only problem here is that Elle is most definitely the nicer of the two. She is a totally sweethear.
But based on most sibling patterns, as soon as Elle goes away to college, Teddy is going to become super effeminante. That will be funny to see.
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