Apparently our future kids will have a real problem with cold sores

BRB

Man, have I been busy. And not even with fun stuff, just with work. I was stuck at the office till like 11:30 last night and had to come in at 5:30 this morning. Yuck.

Anywho, that is why I haven't had a chance to write on the blog for a while. Because I am trying to scrape together at least a little bit of a social life when I am not working. Even that is difficult when I don't have to worry about this blog on top of everything else.

I know, I know: you are so incredibly dissapointed that you don't have me here to entertain you. NEVER FEAR THOUGH! I will post something humorous soon enough. As soon as I finish working and after I figure out how to make it so my belly isn't making noises loud enough that my coworker thought that I was groaning due to an injury.

Seriously though, why is my tummy rumbling so loudly? I know I am not hungry, I just had lunch like an hour ago. Weheheheird.

My BF is going to hate me for showing you these....

...but he is so darn cute, I can't help myself.

Rat Kings: An Education

Above is a picture of a Rat King. This is essentially when rats who are living in a nest together get their tails entwined due to the filthy conditions. With each pull they become more stuck until they literally cannot get free of the other rats. Rat kings are considered to be the most unhealthly thing on the entire planet as they only exist when rats become excessively filthy. Think about that: take the dirtiest creature on the planet (a rat) and think of what they would consider dirty and then you understand why Rat Kings are supposed to be so incredibly gross.

Eventually all the rats die, either from starvation because they couldn't make it to any food, or from dimemberment because they struggle so much to get free they actually rip their own bodies in half.

In Medieval times they believed Rat Kings to be bad luck. Possibly because they consisted of terrifying wheels of enraged, crazed, disease infested rodents covered in their own shit. Yes, I could see how that might be bad luck.

Goddamn it MAX!

So through recent scientific sleuthing I have figured out that my older brother, Max, has pretty much effected almost every aspect of my personality.

Note: I have two younger siblings, Elle and Teddy, as well but they were adopted and this pertains more to genetics. So for the purposes of this article it is completely Max's fault.

He made me short.
OK, so maybe I'm not exactly short. Alright, I guess I'm tall at 5'9", but according to this article I read, if I was first born I could have been significantly taller. Like two inches taller. But because Max got to my mother's uterus first, he zapped all the good shit away and left me with a second hand one. They have actually proven this. And it's bullshit.

He shaped my entire personality.
So when I was growing up I was super-duper girly. Like really, really girly. I mean, I would watch Cinderella over and over and over again and everything in my room had to be pink or unicorns. I was also really into Ballet and Musical theater. But recently, I'm not really into any of that stuff anymore. I have started liking football and cigars and beer. Turns out this is Max's fault.
Younger siblings who grow up with the opposite sex have been scientifically proven to swing wholly into their gender stereotypes as children. Okay, this makes sense - I wanted to be as opposite as my brother as possible.
Here is where it gets weird though: Once you no longer live and interact with your opposite sex older sibling, the majority of the younger siblings will swing in the opposite direction, taking on many traits that are considered "gender defining" of the opposite sex. Which makes complete sense. Pretty much as soon as Max and I stopped living together and seeing each other everyday I started getting into more manly things and less girly ones. But it really only applies to the younger sibling who is genetically related to the older one. Which is so strange. Like really, really weird. And the thing is, the scientists don't know why this happens.

Well, he deserves a pat on the back for making me funny
I know you all think I am funny. I am funny. You know that. Well apparently it's because of Max. UC Davis did a study where they recorded sets of siblings telling jokes and the younger siblings were always ranked funnier, even when they read the same jokes. Also, in London they did some sort of interview with thousands of sibling pairs and they found that everyone thinks the younger sibling is funnier. While it makes sense in an attention seeking sort of way, they believe it is genetic. I didn't really want to read about it because I was so lost but I think it was genetic.

He took all the smart genes
For pretty much the same reason that he made me short, he made me stupider. Because I got stuck with the used uterus. On average the first born is 2 IQ points smarter. Damnit!

Alright, he did one last nice thing for me, he made me nicer
I don't really understand this one either, but scientists are saying that younger siblings can express empathy better and that we are able to socialize better. Knowing my brother and I, that is completely true.

I think all of this crap applies to my little brother, Teddy, and my little sister, Elle. Elle is the older one and Teddy is shorter, pretty manly because they still live together, he is pretty funny, and he has trouble in school. The only problem here is that Elle is most definitely the nicer of the two. She is a totally sweethear.
But based on most sibling patterns, as soon as Elle goes away to college, Teddy is going to become super effeminante. That will be funny to see.

6 Awesome things you might not have known about Ancient Egypt.

So I know people are getting all hurt in Egypt and stuff. And that Anderson Cooper got punched in the head ten times. And while all of that is indeed sad and I feel bad for the state of their country, the thing that upsets me most is the looting and destruction of some of the famous artifacts.

History is so precious and to think that some of the most powerful artifacts we have ever discovered could cease to exist becuse of idiot looters is heart breaking. You may or may not be surprised to find that I love history. I read almost any historical information I can get my hands on and I used to love the History Channel so much that I would keep it on constantly. You know, back before it essentially became "The Ice Road Truckers" channel.

To make you understand how sad I am about potential ramifications of the looting in Egypt, I am going to tell you about 6 Awesome things you might not have known about Ancient Egypt.

6.) Invented "The Dick Cheney"

So you know how Dick Cheney was this shadowy figure that no one trusted who was behind Good Ol' Dubbya? Well Tutenkhamen or King Tut had one of those as well, his name was Ay. In the above pic you can see that Ay and Dick even look alike.

For most of Tut's reign he was a child so this Ay guy pretty much took over and ran Egypt for Tut. Some even believe that Ay killed Tut right after Tut became an adult. Ay was Tut's Dad's favorite advisor despite the fact that Ay was a commoner. So Tut becomes king even though he is like 8 or something and like most 8 year olds, he doesn't give a crap about being Pharoh. Ay does though and so he pretty much deals with everything right up until Tut becomes an adult. Then Tut dies and Ay becomes his immediate successor. Ay even marries Tut's royal wife to solidify his position.

So he was a behind the scenes power hungry Dick (pun intended), but in all reality he actually seemed to be a decent ruler. I mean he didn't do anything too bad to the Egyptian people and he got them to return to their religion. He only got to rule for like 4 years though because, like Dick, he was old as shit.

5.) Invented Animal Husbandry

I know what you're thinking: the only reason Ana want's to talk about this is because she can include a picture of two goats boning and it's actually relevant. And you're right. But that doesn't make this any less of an accomplishment for the Egyptians.

There really isn't much to say about this other than the Ancient Egyptians (I am talking super Ancient here, like back when they first started out) domesticated animals and perfected techniques we still used today for animal husbandry. I would get into the details, but trust me, no healthy individual wants to hear about animals sperm. You get the importance from the picture.

4.) Invented Wedding/Engagement/Commitment Rings

If you are anything like me you have wondered once before why we wear rings on our left ring finger. And who decided to call it the ring finger? Well I'll tell you, it was the Ancient Egyptians' fault. They aparently didn't have the best sense of anatomy - wait I am going to stop there. They had a pretty damn decent sense of anatomy due to all their mummifying and shit. Better than the European's during the Dark Ages, thats for sure.

But they believed that there was a vein in your left ring finger that ran all the way to your heart. I guess they got it confused with the Aorta or somethign because they thought you could bleed out if you cut it. So the would wear a ring of their loved one around this important artery to show that they were devoted for their life.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we even have wedding rings.

3.) Invented the black cat superstition

As we all know black cat's are not evil or bad luck. But they are unlucky because no one ever wants to adopt them. This is the Christians' fault.

The Ancient Egyptains were all about cats, they freaking loved cats man. And that was because they had this god who was call Bast and she looked like a black cat. So the Ancient Egyptians spent a crap load of time loving their cats and worshiping the black ones. They even bread the black ones to be black (through animal husbandry) by having cats with thicker stripes mate with cats who had darker fur, over time creating the black cat.

Then the Christians had to come along and screw everything up.

When they were trying to convince the Egyptians to join their religion they found that the cats were getting in their way. So they started this whole big lie about how the black cats were actually demons, not Bast. The Egyptians believed them and then they started coming up with more crap about the demon-cats. Like if one crossed in front of you, you would be cut off from God - essentially you would gain bad luck.

2.) Invented bling

So the Egyptians t0tally invented bling, I mean did you see the shit they were buried in? But they also invented building bling, their pyramids were the precurser to Times Square.

How you picture them is how they are now. How they really look is like the picture above which is shiney as shit. They did this by hauling blocks of limestone from around the country and then buffing the crap out of them. Much like that vietnamese lady from the nail salon buffs the crap out of your nails. So these limestone blocks were shinier than the newly waxed high school gymnasium and then were used as the outermost layer of the pyramid. Then the cap stone was coated in gold or electrum, whatever that is.
The reason it still doesn't look like that is because limestone wears down faster than the stone they used for the inside. Plus tourists kept stealing it for shit. Also, apparently before people figured out that historical monuments were important, they kept using it to build other shit. Dumbasses.

1.) Invented the most badass sports

The badass sport I am talking about is called "the fisherman's joust" and I have helpfully included above a photo of me dominating at it.

It's a sport where the fisherman would go on these boats of papyrus and then stab at each other with long poles. Eventually someone, or both, would fall off and not really anyone in Egypt knows how to swim. So a lot of them would straight up drown. Those that could have survived were probably eated by crocodiles and hippos. That's right crocodiles and hippos were more populous in the Nile than litter is in the Potomac.

Ok, that was an exaggeration, there is a lot more litter in the Potomac, but the point is there are a lot of things in the Nile that you don't want to have to face. This is why this sport is so badass. If you lost, you pretty much died.

Molasses Tidal Wave

Another reason why I kind of want to move to Boston: The Boston Molasses Disaster.

Apparently in 1918 this guy built a really shitty quality molasses tank. But it was super huge. And it kept leaking a whole bunch but the locals were like "if we paint the tank the same color as molasses, no one will notice the leaks." And so they continued to do that. Meanwhile fermentation of the molasses and the CO2 it was giving off built up and built up in the tank. Then on January 15, 1919, the giant tank exploded, knocking cars off the road a releasing a wave of molasses into Boston. The wave of molasses went rushing through the city at 35 MPH, which is super fast for freaking molasses! It lifted a train off of the tracks and killed 21 people and injured 150. This all happened in the North End of Boston and supposedly if you go there it still smells like molasses.

Oh and by the way, apparently all of this molasses was about to be turned into rum and then there was a huge rum shortage in Boston which led to a freak out.

This is why I think I belong in Boston, they have molasses tidal waves and almost riots when there is a shortage of rum. It sounds like something that happens in Candyland, not an actual city.

If I was a billionaire...

Just like most people, and in the words of a true poet, I want to be a billionare so fucking bad. Mostly for all of the completely useless shit I could buy. I dream and dream about the stables full of horses with narwhal horns glued to their heads that I would have and a bowling ally where humans are pins and you put yourself in a big ball and run at them and try to knock them down. I know, I do dream big. So right now I am about to make a list of all the crap I would buy if I had billions of dollars.

1. Tanks to blow up.
OK, I know usually my lists are longer, but this is what I want above all else. Apparently in the U.K., when they buy too much of something for the military, they remove the weapons and sell it to the civillians. So you can buy a tank for pretty cheap. And buy cheap I mean like $40,000+. Which is cheaper than I thought an acual tank would be. I don't know, but for some reason tanks aren't that bad. And they are perfectly legal to own. So I would buy a tank (or two, or three) and a giant field and place the tank in the field. I'm talking a really big field though, like bigger than a football stadium.
Then I would have to make a bunker of sorts for myself that would probably cost a good amount of money if I really wanted it to be safe.
At this point I would have to undergo severe weapons training so that I coul get a class a Class 2 gun permit. This is very important as it would allow me to purchase a M134 General Electric Minigun. Which, in case you were wondering, looks like this:

This gun can shoot 2,000 to 6,000 rounds a minute and 166 times per second. And you can pretty much only afford to own one if you are a billionare because it costs $400,000 or more to begin with and the ammo is incredibly expensive. 166 shots, which is one second, costs about $60. Here is the worst part about it though, there are only about 10 of them in civilian hands, and there will never be more. So you have to seek out who ever owns these things and then try to buy it off of them. Most people wouldn't find "I need it for my tank explosion expeirement" a compelling argument. So I would need to pay a very high amount for it.
Now I would have to contruct some thermite, which is surprisingly cheap. Its about 2 parts rust to 1 part aluminum shavings in weight and about half and half in volume. It is also the hottest burning substance on earth, reaching up to temperatures that are about half of the temperature of the sun. Also, it's totally legal because the government can't tell you that you can't have aluminum and rust. Once I made this I would set it inside the tank. One down fall about thermite is that it is hard to set on fire because it needs a really hot fire to start it. The only readily available substance that burns hot enough is magnesium. So I would place a bunch of thermite in the tank and ring it with magnesium.
It's really starting to come together guys. Listen for my next highly legal step. I would order tannerite and just coat the outside of the tank in it. Tannerite is a biannary explosive compound so there would be the step of mixing the two harmless on their own, but explosive together compounds. You can buy this from contruction company distributors and they don't regulate it so you can get as much as you need.
The thing about tannerite is that once the two compounds mix, it is highly explosive. I mean a single gun shot and it will go up in flames. - Now see why the mini gun is important.
I coat the tank, that is filled with thermite and magnesium, in tannerite and then I stand in my bunker and shoot at the tank with my mini gun. The tannerite will explode and the out side of the tank will be in flames, this will cause the magnesium to ignite and therefore the thermite to ignite and the whole thing will result in an enormous explosion that I will be glad I built my bunker for.

If I had a billion dollars I would do this, I would do this every single week. It would be so. very. badass.