6 Awesome things you might not have known about Ancient Egypt.

So I know people are getting all hurt in Egypt and stuff. And that Anderson Cooper got punched in the head ten times. And while all of that is indeed sad and I feel bad for the state of their country, the thing that upsets me most is the looting and destruction of some of the famous artifacts.

History is so precious and to think that some of the most powerful artifacts we have ever discovered could cease to exist becuse of idiot looters is heart breaking. You may or may not be surprised to find that I love history. I read almost any historical information I can get my hands on and I used to love the History Channel so much that I would keep it on constantly. You know, back before it essentially became "The Ice Road Truckers" channel.

To make you understand how sad I am about potential ramifications of the looting in Egypt, I am going to tell you about 6 Awesome things you might not have known about Ancient Egypt.

6.) Invented "The Dick Cheney"

So you know how Dick Cheney was this shadowy figure that no one trusted who was behind Good Ol' Dubbya? Well Tutenkhamen or King Tut had one of those as well, his name was Ay. In the above pic you can see that Ay and Dick even look alike.

For most of Tut's reign he was a child so this Ay guy pretty much took over and ran Egypt for Tut. Some even believe that Ay killed Tut right after Tut became an adult. Ay was Tut's Dad's favorite advisor despite the fact that Ay was a commoner. So Tut becomes king even though he is like 8 or something and like most 8 year olds, he doesn't give a crap about being Pharoh. Ay does though and so he pretty much deals with everything right up until Tut becomes an adult. Then Tut dies and Ay becomes his immediate successor. Ay even marries Tut's royal wife to solidify his position.

So he was a behind the scenes power hungry Dick (pun intended), but in all reality he actually seemed to be a decent ruler. I mean he didn't do anything too bad to the Egyptian people and he got them to return to their religion. He only got to rule for like 4 years though because, like Dick, he was old as shit.

5.) Invented Animal Husbandry

I know what you're thinking: the only reason Ana want's to talk about this is because she can include a picture of two goats boning and it's actually relevant. And you're right. But that doesn't make this any less of an accomplishment for the Egyptians.

There really isn't much to say about this other than the Ancient Egyptians (I am talking super Ancient here, like back when they first started out) domesticated animals and perfected techniques we still used today for animal husbandry. I would get into the details, but trust me, no healthy individual wants to hear about animals sperm. You get the importance from the picture.

4.) Invented Wedding/Engagement/Commitment Rings

If you are anything like me you have wondered once before why we wear rings on our left ring finger. And who decided to call it the ring finger? Well I'll tell you, it was the Ancient Egyptians' fault. They aparently didn't have the best sense of anatomy - wait I am going to stop there. They had a pretty damn decent sense of anatomy due to all their mummifying and shit. Better than the European's during the Dark Ages, thats for sure.

But they believed that there was a vein in your left ring finger that ran all the way to your heart. I guess they got it confused with the Aorta or somethign because they thought you could bleed out if you cut it. So the would wear a ring of their loved one around this important artery to show that they were devoted for their life.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we even have wedding rings.

3.) Invented the black cat superstition

As we all know black cat's are not evil or bad luck. But they are unlucky because no one ever wants to adopt them. This is the Christians' fault.

The Ancient Egyptains were all about cats, they freaking loved cats man. And that was because they had this god who was call Bast and she looked like a black cat. So the Ancient Egyptians spent a crap load of time loving their cats and worshiping the black ones. They even bread the black ones to be black (through animal husbandry) by having cats with thicker stripes mate with cats who had darker fur, over time creating the black cat.

Then the Christians had to come along and screw everything up.

When they were trying to convince the Egyptians to join their religion they found that the cats were getting in their way. So they started this whole big lie about how the black cats were actually demons, not Bast. The Egyptians believed them and then they started coming up with more crap about the demon-cats. Like if one crossed in front of you, you would be cut off from God - essentially you would gain bad luck.

2.) Invented bling

So the Egyptians t0tally invented bling, I mean did you see the shit they were buried in? But they also invented building bling, their pyramids were the precurser to Times Square.

How you picture them is how they are now. How they really look is like the picture above which is shiney as shit. They did this by hauling blocks of limestone from around the country and then buffing the crap out of them. Much like that vietnamese lady from the nail salon buffs the crap out of your nails. So these limestone blocks were shinier than the newly waxed high school gymnasium and then were used as the outermost layer of the pyramid. Then the cap stone was coated in gold or electrum, whatever that is.
The reason it still doesn't look like that is because limestone wears down faster than the stone they used for the inside. Plus tourists kept stealing it for shit. Also, apparently before people figured out that historical monuments were important, they kept using it to build other shit. Dumbasses.

1.) Invented the most badass sports

The badass sport I am talking about is called "the fisherman's joust" and I have helpfully included above a photo of me dominating at it.

It's a sport where the fisherman would go on these boats of papyrus and then stab at each other with long poles. Eventually someone, or both, would fall off and not really anyone in Egypt knows how to swim. So a lot of them would straight up drown. Those that could have survived were probably eated by crocodiles and hippos. That's right crocodiles and hippos were more populous in the Nile than litter is in the Potomac.

Ok, that was an exaggeration, there is a lot more litter in the Potomac, but the point is there are a lot of things in the Nile that you don't want to have to face. This is why this sport is so badass. If you lost, you pretty much died.